AITA: tell us yours

[Jalapeñomel]

Am I the asshole…?


please feel free to add your own.

I’ll put mine in the comments.

[Jalapeñomel]

So over the years of wine drinking, and coffee, and general life, my teeth have aged, as have my DH’s. I’ve been using a teeth whitener, and it’s made a big difference. I’ve passive aggressively asked DH if he wants to use it…so am I the asshole if I just tell him he should to whiten his teeth?

It’s so superficial, it’s easily fixed, and, as far as I know, he doesn’t have any issues like sensitivity or a gag reflex that would prevent him from doing so.

I’m not sure how I’d feel if DH told me, so I need an outsider’s perspective!

[TR]

Yeah, I think you'd be a little bit of an asshole. I wouldn't want H telling me I need to change something about my appearance. Presumably he's an adult with eyes so if he had a problem with it, he'd fix it.

[ssmjlm]

Jalapeñomel, NTA. I would probably tell him, but DH and I have had many a teeth conversations in our relationship, so it would be NBD for us.

[holly116]

My DH is vain enough that he asks me to help shave his back before we're at the beach/pool. If I'm doing that, I'm suggesting that he bleach his teeth if needed lol.

[rachers]

I could see myself saying something like “I’ve been using this whitener and really like it if you ever want to try it!”

But I wouldn’t push it at all. Im really self conscious about my teeth though so my feelings would be a little hurt.

[UMaineTeach]

A little bit. I’m thinking you work in a comment about how you are so happy with the treatment results and see where it goes.

[donutsmakemegonuts]

I guess it depends on your approach and your relationship.

[Jalapeñomel]

TBF, my brain could also be really skewed about this, since teeth, like all parts of the body age, but on tv every single person has super white teeth, often abnormally so.

[mention]tr [/mention] yes, this is my thought as well—-would I want DH to tell me something about my appearance? No. And I’d be hurt if he did.

But then I’m like, what if it’s an easy fix, not like my apron belly or cellulite?

Is it the same as if I had food in my teeth?

[puppyluv]

Why do you care so much about what his teeth look like? If he doesnt care, then yes you being an AH to bring it up and criticize him about something so vein.

[mokes]

My H recently told me I needed to, so he'd say NTA   I wasn't offended though, my teeth are really sensitive so I have been trying to whiten them but I feel like the stuff for sensitive teeth isn't as effective.

My requests for this type of feedback are:

• Don't tell me something I can't change
• Don't tell me something I can't change at the moment -- like telling me my teeth look extra yellow today while we're out somewhere. Nothing I can do with that info now but be self-conscious and also really annoyed with you! 

Given you're asking in advance, I'm guessing you'll be kind and not do the latter. 

[bex1973]

Yeah, kinda the AH but I don't know if this would be "normal" for your relationship. If it was me I'd mention how much I like the whitener and am impressed with the results and leave it at that.


But also (LOL) - what are you using?

[nicolewi]

I don’t think that’s an asshole move at all! I mean, we’ve certainly been married long enough that I’d feel fine saying hey, I’ve been doing this tooth whitener and I think it works great. You might wanna try it too. I would have zero qualms about seeing this. I hope that doesn’t make me an asshole.

[deadwing]

I think suggesting is fine, but straight up telling YH he needs to whiten is assholish. This is something you are self-conscious about. If he isn't, that's OK.

[eb777888]

If you passive aggressively asked him and he said no, then I'd definitely drop it! I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

[Jalapeñomel]

May 13, 2024 15:38:29 GMT -5 bex1973 said:

Yeah, kinda the AH but I don't know if this would be "normal" for your relationship. If it was me I'd mention how much I like the whitener and am impressed with the results and leave it at that.


But also (LOL) - what are you using?

Purely White Deluxe

And surprisingly, I haven’t had much sensitivity.

[TR]

She already asked him if he wants to use it, y'all.

[Jalapeñomel]

May 13, 2024 15:48:16 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

If you passive aggressively asked him and he said no, then I'd definitely drop it! I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

As I’ve been whitening mine, I said that I bought enough for both is us to do it. He responded with something like “yeah that’s a good idea!”

(That’s in response to the PA approach)

[eb777888]

I also want to add that passive aggressively asking his is kinda telling him he needs to. FTR, I don't think you're an asshole but I'd drop it!

[minzy]

My twin had this exact suggestion for me this weekend. The first time she mentioned it, I was open to it (she had some spare strips) but I had just brushed my teeth for the night and didn’t feel like getting them all goopy. The second time I was like “yeah, maybe,” but didn’t pursue it then either, we were about to head out I think. The third time she brought it up, a little more insistent about what a huge difference it made (I didn’t really see it), I got kind of pissy about it like “aw geez, bugger off!” So I would advise suggesting it, if you decide to say anything at all, not more than two times, haha.

[InBetweenDays]

Yeah, since you have already passive aggressively asked him if he wants to use it and he didn't take you up on it, I'd lean towards it being assholey to tell him to use it. But it really depends on your relationship.

Edited after seeing your last post: sounds like he was interested in using it. So maybe just leave it out in the bathroom and say something like "sounded like you wanted to try this so I'll just leave it here."

[Jalapeñomel]

Yeah, I think I’d be an asshole to mention it again.

[sent]

I think I would have to objectively see how not-white his teeth were to know if this is an AITA situation or not.

But I don't like passive aggressive anything so if you haven't directly asked him and directly received an answer of when he's going to do it or why he doesn't want to, then NTA.

[mofongo]

Totally relationship dependent. H and I are not super sensitive, I’d probably tell him.

[mcppalmbeach]

Idk I think now that you said it I would leave it alone for a while/

[noodleoo]

May 13, 2024 16:08:20 GMT -5 sent said:

I think I would have to objectively see how not-white his teeth were to know if this is an AITA situation or not.

But I don't like passive aggressive anything so if you haven't directly asked him and directly received an answer of when he's going to do it or why he doesn't want to, then NTA.

Aren't these teeth whitening kits really bad for your teeth?

[mofongo]

May 13, 2024 17:17:57 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

May 13, 2024 16:08:20 GMT -5 sent said:

I think I would have to objectively see how not-white his teeth were to know if this is an AITA situation or not.

But I don't like passive aggressive anything so if you haven't directly asked him and directly received an answer of when he's going to do it or why he doesn't want to, then NTA.

Aren't these teeth whitening kits really bad for your teeth?

They can cause sensitivity, especially if you already have sensitive teeth, but otherwise I don’t really think so. 

[notsopicky]

May 13, 2024 15:19:40 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

So over the years of wine drinking, and coffee, and general life, my teeth have aged, as have my DH’s. I’ve been using a teeth whitener, and it’s made a big difference. I’ve passive aggressively asked DH if he wants to use it…so am I the asshole if I just tell him he should to whiten his teeth?

It’s so superficial, it’s easily fixed, and, as far as I know, he doesn’t have any issues like sensitivity or a gag reflex that would prevent him from doing so.

I’m not sure how I’d feel if DH told me, so I need an outsider’s perspective!

Which one do you use? I want to start doing that. I had them professionally whitened at my dentist's office long ago and I had a bad experience (the chemicals hitting the gums, OMG).  

Would be helpful to read the ENTIRE thread before I post. 🤣

[sofamonkey]

May 13, 2024 15:57:24 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Yeah, I think I’d be an asshole to mention it again.

It depends on how you approach it. Since it seemed like he was interested, I might follow up. Something simple like, “hey, if you are still interested, I have the bleach. If not, no big deal and I’ll quit bugging you about it.”

Simple, effective, kind. I suggest this because sometimes my H forgets things.

[scm1011]

Mine: DH has gained a significant amount of weight (which whatever, not the issue). The thing is he’s still wearing all the same shirts he wore 60lbs ago and he looks ridiculous in many of them. Soooo I’ve been hiding the ones that look particularly awful one by one. He’s asked a couple times if I’ve seen a few specific shirts I’ve hidden and I am all “no, sorry”.

I feel like I’m going on someone’s list for this but honestly he’ll wear a button down that no longer buttons over a shirt and it looks like he’s wearing a bolero jacket. I just can’t.