MOOKS — driving with friends

[erbear]

DD1 (15) is a freshman in HS and friendly with some juniors and seniors thanks to sports. Since it has come up, I’m wondering what others’ rules on driving with teens are. (I know the state laws…I’m wondering what others do when driving with young drivers is legal)

[livinitup]

As an issue, we’ve only had it come up that DD has a permit and is driving with a parent to learn and qualify for her driving test. I do not allow her to drive with minors/friends in the car (even with me as the adult in the car). I figured that other people’s parents have not given permission for a non-liscenced (although permitted) driver to drive them around. And I’m not dealing with asking.

I don’t know what we will allow for her to be driven by newly liscenced friends. Lordy, help us. I guess locally for sports is okay.

[penguingrrl]

I generally need to know the teen who is driving or meet them if I haven’t yet (we go from a very small K-8 district to a fairly large regional HS, so lots of new friends in HS). In general we haven’t had an issue as the kids my kid has asked to ride with are kids we’ve known and trusted before they got their licenses and all have good heads on their shoulders. It also comes down to my kid making safe choices since they’re at the end of junior year, so I won’t have a say in a little over a year, so I’m trying to let them make some decisions of this within reason. They have several friends they love but won’t get in the car with because they don’t trust them, which I’m really impressed by. I’ll also see when the situation arises with my younger two since they tend towards less self awareness and sense of safety than my oldest.

It hasn’t come up nearly as often as it did when I was a teen, though, since NJ is a state where you have to be older to drive (17) and now you have to have your license for a full year before you can have more than one passenger, so there’s less opportunity.

[InBetweenDays]

As long as they are following the rules of the road and the restrictions our state has for new drivers, I am ok with them driving with others.

DD is 17 (almost 18) and DS is 15. DD and her friends drive each other around quite a bit - including on a 200 mile road trip. She also often drives DS and his friends places, and DS' friends older siblings often drive him places. DS also occasionally gets rides from teammates to/from practices and/or games.

ETA: DS starts driver's ed tomorrow. We have yet to determine how we'll handle him driving with friends in the car once he reaches the age that is allowed. He is a MUCH different child than DD so it is very possible he'll have more restrictions than she did.

[1confused1]

As long as I know the kid, I have no issue. My kids are pretty smart about who they will or will not get into a car with.

[expectantsteelerfan]

My ds (almost 15), has gotten rides for marching band stuff from the older kids. I didn't love it, but it was at a time that I wasn't able to drive him (they would have section dinners before the games, so I'd drop him off at the dinner, and he'd get a ride from an older kid from the dinner to the school). I honestly didn't know the kids who were driving him or even WHO he was getting a ride from, so it caused anxiety, but it was kind of a necessary evil. He hasn't asked to get rides from kids for things other than a necessary activity yet, but I'm guessing as much as it will also cause me anxiety, as long as they are legally allowed to drive other minors, I will allow it.

[thebreakfastclub]

Someone I work with uses an app - I think it's Life 360 - to track driving habits when his kids are passengers.

That's how he found out his son was a passenger in his friend's car that was going 100 mph on the freeway one evening.

[cjcouple]

Driver's Licenses are not done until age 16 and 4 months with drivers ed where I live.  Plus they have a 1 year restriction where they cannot drive with friends, and a state curfew of midnight.  We followed it very strictly but he had friends who were older so he started driving with them when he was an older 15, but they were not out joy riding or anything, it was often to a place and home.  I also needed to know the driver well enough to know his driving skills.  You can see the kids who are reckless when we were picking up from school and practice and such. I also have Life360 on his phone and it tracks his speed, even as a passenger so I could see they were at least not speeding.

Now my son is an older 17 and one of his close friends is almost 19 and has had is license for over 2 years and I do allow him to go with him over an hour's drive at times.  A group of them have been going to different fried chicken places and some were a good hour away but my son is really good about asking and telling me where they are heading, etc. 

Many of his friends/parents were not as strict with the rules and he got annoyed a few times but I wasn't the only parent being strict.  When my son was a Sophomore, he did have a teammate (Senior - 17) that was out past curfew who was killed in a car accident over spring break because he was driving too quickly and hit a tree (not under the influence or anything).  Its was devastating and it did make an impact on his friends.  I worry about this coming month or so because graduation time is often when the car accidents happen.  Every year it seems a local school/town has a loss.   
     
ETA: there are certain nights I didn't allow him to drive/be driven even at 17 (Prom, NYE, to/from grad parties, weather etc)    

[eddy]

My 16 year old drives and has a car. We allow friends in the car. He is to stay in city limits which is all under 45 mph. Before that, our general rule was just stay in town when he was a passenger. 

This has been a big year for me pushing my general anxiety down. It is hard to take these steps, but also important for development. 

[intheden]

May 14, 2024 7:33:41 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Someone I work with uses an app - I think it's Life 360 - to track driving habits when his kids are passengers.

That's how he found out his son was a passenger in his friend's car that was going 100 mph on the freeway one evening.

Yikes

[jinkies]

I struggle with this, because car accidents are a major (the primary??) source of anxiety for me.

The bottom line, there is only so much I can control. I had approved him driving with a couple 18 year olds that I know and trust. Then I dropped him at a friend's house to go to a school event, and found out after the fact that the parents put the kid's 17 year old sister in charge of driving them (DS reported that she was a scary driver and he'd never go anywhere with her again...). Neither of us knew she was driving before hand, and I feel like these types of situations will arise more and more. For example, he accepted an offer from a kid that I have never met for a ride between tech school and his home school. A kid that I only sort-of know stopped by our house to hang out for a little bit, and offered to drive them both to Rita's for water ice.

All of this stuff was completely normal for me in high school, so I am trying to release my anxiety and trust his judgement. He's not really going to parties or in situations where kids are driving him somewhere questionable. It's generally to and from his regular activities. I would strongly prefer that he is the only the passenger, as opposed to car full of kids. Legally, that's supposed to be the case anyway, but I'm not sure how much it's enforced.

[devonpow]

We live in a city where almost everything is walkable or accessible via subway so this isn’t a huge issue here so far. DS1 is 17 and doesn’t have his license yet, but his girlfriend drives him around and he gets occassional rides with other kids. It’s generally an infrequent occurance. I stress to him that we will always pick him up no matter the time, and he can be drunk/whatever and we will not ask any questions, just pick him up. He also has access to our Uber app so he can just call an Uber and we will pay if he needs a ride.

[jlt19]

DD is almost 14 but she’s extremely close with our niece who turned 16 in March. We’ve let her go driving with her around nieces’ “city”. I know she’d never be under the influence and they just go grab food or to Target. I definitely didn’t think we’d be “dealing” with this so young, but it’s honestly the best “starter” situation to get my anxiety settled before she starts HS in the fall. She’ll always be the youngest, so at least for now she’s only with her cousin, whom I trust more than any teen I know.