Career Women w/o Kids

[MrsMB]

We're under major heck at work right now. I feel like I get a brunt of the work because they know I'll work 80 hours before I'll let anything slide. I'm their go-to when we're slammed.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically and everything I love has fallen to the side...my husband is the only thing that hasn't gone to pot. He works second shift. If I work late we just get home at the same time.

The new girl came by my office and said she "just couldn't think about staying late...ya know since I have kids and all."

Because I don't have kids yet I'm not allowed to have a life outside of work?

I know the obvious answer is to look for a job. I"m not talking about that. What makes it right for it to be excusable that the childless one has to stay late while the Mom gets to go home? I GET IT...you have little ones. But why make the darn comment? Ya know??

[drloretta]

Because where you work, she can. And because you let her. It might be worth it to either 1) discuss your concerns with your boss, 2) take a sick day just for mental health purposes, or 3) leave early or on time every so often and delegate stuff to someone else.

On the flip side, my work just turned down a very promising candidate for a position because she has to leave at 5:15 every day to pick up her child. That will not work in the position she was applying for. So she lost a job opportunity and my company lost the opportunity for a decent person at that position.

[kscarlett]

I don't think that was appropriate for her to say, but I think an important thing here is that they know you'll do it.

I have had coworkers who did more work, and complained about doing more work, but they were taking it on themselves. They weren't delegating, or telling other people how they could help.

Start asserting that you sometimes have things to do after work as well. You need to start taking care of yourself, and resting is a very important part of that. (I'm saying this as much to me as to you right now.)

[Lucille Bluth]

This strikes a big nerve with me.

People don't know, nor do they need to necessarily know, what goes on in your day to day life. Hypothetically you could be trying for a child, having infertility problems, or have no interest in having children ever. The point is your time is just as valuable as theirs so they should not be able to dictate it.

Sure, you may have a husband who can be more understanding than a small child, but that in no way should affect how much you are in the office.

Due to the mommy wars it's a very delicate and fine line, but try to find small instances when you can speak up, leave earlier, or not be a work place doormat. Unless you own the company or have a majority stake in it then relinquishing a little bit of control may help.

My husband is also struggling with this currently. Many of the mothers work half days, so they are unavailable to travel and essentially get 50% pay for less than 50% of the work. Just because they have children does not make their home or work lives more important than ours.

I hope you are able to find a solution that helps long term.

[MrsMB]

I appreciate the feedback, suggestions, and the help. Last night, I got so frustrated and cried because I literally had not had time to pee yesterday and this little comment she made right as she was leaving just sent me over the edge. There was at least 3 more hours to go for me.

I went and met with our Employee Relations Specialist to discuss the problems. The information that keeps getting repeated to me over and over is "you're the glue that's holding this department together." (We've had 75% of our staff resign this year alone that we have had to replace and I'm one of the few people who have been here longer than 6 months.) I laugh at these people because I can't keep holding us together.

Delegating would be a great option...if I could. To answer kscarlett, I'm not doing this so someone will give me a cookie and a pat on the back. I want my life back. Recently they have removed our support staff to save money. We don't have it. The big problem is they assign more departments to me because they have said I have the "capacity" to handle it, meaning, I don't have little ones at home and can work the 80 hours required for it. It's been like this for the past 6 months. It was made worse because the other person they were doing this to resigned and therefore I inherited majority of the departments she serviced. The problem is...I can't. I'm crumbling.

I do need to take a day off just to try and think things through...I know. You're all right. I'd like to just rest and do nothing. I think it would be better if I do this if I asked them NOT to text me when they have a question and to please give me 24 hours. The last time, I was texted simply because my boss at the time didn't know how to do our job fully even after being here a full year.

Lucille - I appreciate your feedback as well. Thank you. It just feels better knowing someone understands. Due to my husbands work, this job's late hours have required that we put off trying for a while...until things calm down. I couldn't focus on trying when I'm working as late as he is and I work first and he works second. I've got to be in a place where they don't need me to stay as late to absorb this extra activity so that I COULD pick up a future child from daycare. Also, I'm not involved in a ton after work. I quit things I was involved in at least 12-18 months ago to be able to focus on JUST the few things like exercise and a weekly 1 hour class I take because I wanted to narrow my focus on my interests and have more down time. Now this recent leadership came in around the same time, they implemented processes that increased the load, took away any administrative help we had...and then she realized how much of a workhorse I am..and it just went downhill. I understand completely why the family people have to leave when they do or why they may not be assigned as much. I get that completely. It just stinks. I know the obvious answer is to look for something else...and I am. This idea that I'm able to take more because of my current status..just hurts.

[ECB]

Look for a new job and take this as a lesson learned - learn to say "no" when you need to. You have a life too. It sounds like you have a strong work ethic and you want to be reliable employee. You just need to make sure you keep some balance.

Part of the reason they are making the decisions they do is that they "know" you'll keep taking on more.

But this is where I think you need to let start letting stuff go. When you're told "you're the glue", what did you say in response? I'd be tempted to ask "And what happens if I leave?".

Or at a minimum tell them VERY clearly that you may be the glue, but the glue is starting to crack if you don't get help.

HOPEFULLY, though, if you do leave, you won't end up at another job that does this.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds not only stressful from the POV that you have so much work to do, but also from the perspective that the bigwigs are putting all the pressure on you by saying that you're the glue that holds them together.

My best advice? Stop being that glue. Give them fair warning of some sort (a week, two?) and then tell them that you're not going to be able to work that many hours without end. If you want to scare them a bit, tell them that you're feeling yourself burning out and that either your qualify of work will suffer, or you'll just totally collapse and be out for a prolonged time.

[froggy76]

Who says the mom gets to go home and you don't? You are prioritizing work over your home life and she is not. Period. Hopefully, your dedication to your work will payoff and you'll progress in your career faster than the mom. If you don't feel that's the case, look for a new job and/or stop working such long hours. Learn to say no.

I have a 1-year-old and I don't work the hours I used to. If I don't leave at a reasonable hour, I don't get to see my kid at all before she goes to bed. Maybe my career will suffer a little because I don't work late anymore, but I am making that choice.

ETA: I also meant to say that it was a shitty comment that mom made to you!

[MrsMB]

Our Employee Relations Team felt I needed to take medical leave for a while after meeting with one of the counselors. I just don't feel that I can do that right now....

It's hard. YOU feel the pressure to keep running on the hamster wheel because when you're not on their good side, they force people out. I'm unhappy, but I don't want to get fired. I've never worked in an environment that has been this toxic.

I've started interviewing. I've started telling them that I have to have a balance. I'm not going to even going to pretend I can work crazy hours. This is just ridiculous.

[drloretta]

So now they're *telling* you to take leave, but you don't feel you can? I'm confused.

[MrsMB]

This is not someone in our department. We are a very large company so the employee relations department is completely separate from the department I report to. Please don't start flaming. This is a counselor with the institution that takes employee concerns.

My department isn't even aware I met with them. I just needed to talk with someone about my concerns.

[MrsMB]

I appreciate everyone's feedback and suggestions. Thank you for letting a burnout vent a little. I appreciate the feedback and needed to hear it. Overall, like I said, I understand why the Moms have to go. I hope for a little one one day myself and will be doing what I need to for my family.

I feel like I'm sharing too much about how this is affecting me personally so I make back off a little. This has been good to get some perspective from different sides. I REALLY appreciate it.

[Laura Palmer]

I hear you. I often joke that I'm going to invent a fake kid so I can take off when it's sick, has a Dr. appt, stubs his toe, etc. so someone else can shoulder all the work.

I used to be you, working 90-hours week with regularity and 2 AM with horrifying frequency. Finally I started to let things fall off - making mistakes, not finishing things on time, and generally making it very known I couldn't keep doing it all. Once the client work started to suffer, management couldn't ignore it.

Take a few days off - who cares if you "can", you need to - and don't respond to texts, emails, or calls. What if you got hit by a bus? They'd figure a way to get it all done....they can manage for a few days.

[Deleted]

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[snippylynn]

If there's one thing I've learned from working in Europe- it's that your company WILL survive without you. They will. If you don't answer that one last email; take that last call or work until 10pm every night, everything will still be okay the next day. And rather than pick everything up yourself, you just have to draw a line in the sand and tell them it is not okay.

It's a shame that we, as Americans, cannot figure out a proper work/life balance. We are certain that we are the glue and everything will go to shit if we aren't there- regardless of our position in the company.

Here's the thing.

Your company can and will replace you. You are expendable. So even if you do kill yourself like this for them, you are replaceable. All of us. Things might be tough and get crazy in that department, but they'll work through. Because there are always more people right behind you, lining up to do your job.

The moral?

Keep your life. It's what keeps you sane. It's what is always there for you OUTSIDE of work. It is what keeps you going and will be your support for you when and if you lose your job.

I've really had to struggle with this myself as I am child-less by choice, but everyone in Sweden is popping kids out left and right. They get 18 months paid maternity leave, and are out of work every day by 4pm-- rain, shine, work, or no. They will stand up in a meeting and say they have to pick up their kid and walk out. And it's okay. But the same goes for me. If I have to leave- I do, and no one gives me any grief.

It sounds like you really just need to learn your own boundaries and not let them take advantage of you. Because they are. They're veiling it in compliments, but it's done so they can cheap out on hiring anyone else. Don't let them get away with it.