Flameful Sex ?

[bonuts]

Backstory: Very recently decided to separate. I am confident in this decision, H is not sure. H and I have not been sexually active since sometime in Sept.


I know this question has been asked before, but does anyone feel like discussing when in the divorce process it is okay to see other people? This is such a personal decision, but I would like to see it through others' eyes.

Does it matter if it's dating vs. just sex? I personally have no interest in dating what so ever, but I miss sex :-(

Am I a horrible person for asking so soon?

[bullygirl979]

First of all, you're not a horrible person. The fact that you are struggling with this is proof.

Second, I need some clarification. Are you separating wtih the intent of divorcing? Or trying to work it out? Are you looking to discuss it with him? Sorry, I am confused as to who you are looking to discuss this with.

[DirtyMartini]

I'm glad you asked, because I have been thinking of this, too. We haven't had sex since JUNE!!! JUNE!!!! I need to get laid, like bad. I have kids, though. And STBXH still lives at home...and he fucking cheated on me. But whatever, after court date in Jan he will probably be asked to temporairly leave the residence.

Back to your question. My lawyer told me not to start dating until after the divorce process because it can negatively effect the proceedings. I'm sure there are different opinions on this, but this is what I was told.

I'm not ready to date, but man, what wouldn't do to get laid....

[bonuts]

Dec 7, 2012 8:58:18 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

First of all, you're not a horrible person. The fact that you are struggling with this is proof.

Second, I need some clarification. Are you separating wtih the intent of divorcing? Or trying to work it out? Are you looking to discuss it with him? Sorry, I am confused as to who you are looking to discuss this with.

I am separating with the intention of filing for divorce. H is separating because he is unhappy. I had originally hoped we would have this amicable, chill divorce, but it is becoming obvious that he is not as sure as I am.

This question is brought to you by the long-time friend who propositioned me for a FWB relationship last night. However, I would not initiate until at least a month from now. I need to get into therapy before I do anything, and I would also like to get tested just to be on the safe side.

[udscoobychick]

Dec 7, 2012 8:58:43 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

I was fearful that my XH would counter with adultery so I talked t my lawyer and asked her if I could have sex with someone without fear of retribution if XH were to find out. Her exact words were, "MCC, you could be gangbanged and XH could do nothing to you legally...from the sound of it, that's just what you need!" Haha, I loved her and we're still friends.

This depends on the state and is worth checking on, esp. if things are contested in the OP's divorce!!!

[bullygirl979]

Gotcha.

Okay, my thoughts: It is TOTALLY normal to want sex during a divorce or separation process. 1) We have needs, dammit! 2) Divorce is such a raw and emotional rollercoaster that I think we crave that intimacy with someone. It is nice to feel wanted and desired as well as feel that connection with someone. I know my self esteem took a huge hit when I was divorcing so even though I wasn't ready to open up emotionally to someone, it still felt good knowing I was desirable.

Personally, I am pretty open sexually. I have a FWB now and I love it. Some people aren't able to do the FWB situation. If you are at all afraid that you are going to develop feelings for this person, or that it will go further than sex, do NOT do it. It isn't worth it. But if you are confident it will JUST be sex, then go enjoy yourself!

[bonuts]

MCC, thanks, and I promise I won't hump! lol

Yeah, I wasn't even thinking about legal consequences. Whoops. I need to change that way of thinking. We had originally planned to separate for 3ish months and then file and use the same lawyer. After everything I have read here though, I realize I need my own lawyer. I guess I need to get on that when I get home next week.

[DirtyMartini]

OP- do you have kids? If so, then get your own lawyer like MCC said! If not, and you think that this can truly be an amicable split (although the situation with your H makes me wonder) then I guess sharing a lawyer can cut costs greatly....but seriously think about what is best for YOU!! Don't let him bully you into something. My H is doing that now, and although it isn't working, man it can be a mind fuck.

[bonuts]

Nope, no kids.

And yes, I was hoping to use the same lawyer to save money, but I am unsure now. Based on everyone's suggestions, and the fact that I feel guilty, I think it might be nice to have someone who is sticking up for my best interests. It's just we don't have much at all to argue over, so I can't imagine needing one.

So far, H is going along with everything. Earlier this week he bought a new vehicle(in his name) so that I could have the car (that is paid off, in my name).


ETA: I am a student with no income at the moment.

[bonuts]

Nope, no home. I have student loans, which I will obviously be responsible for, but no other debt, not even CC debt. In the state we would file, the standard is 50-50 split of assets/debt. You can get alimony/spousal support, but I am not asking for any. H has agreed to pay my cell and car insurance until I get a job. I am moving in with my mom! Yay lol

Our only assets are the car, and I have a Roth IRA. It was completely funded by H's income so we just withdrew half already(called my bank before doing so to double check tax consequences). I hope I don't get burned for that. I mean, I just don't see what a lawyer will need to do. lol But I guess I am a little worried that he will ask for money for something.

[baa1981]

My XH and I did not use a lawyer. Our situation was similar, but we did own a home. Originally we were going to sell it, but that fell through a week before closing. At that time I decided to keep it. I just refinanced it in my name only (there were a few extra papers that we had to sign but the mortgage people did all that work for us). I think he could have asked me to pay him for his portion of the equity (which was very little), but he didn't and I wasn't offering. The divorce only cost us $300 and was very fast and easy.

Does your STBX's company have EAP? They might have a resource that can help you out.

[bonuts]

Dec 7, 2012 10:14:32 GMT -5 baa1981 said:

My XH and I did not use a lawyer. Our situation was similar, but we did own a home. Originally we were going to sell it, but that fell through a week before closing. At that time I decided to keep it. I just refinanced it in my name only (there were a few extra papers that we had to sign but the mortgage people did all that work for us). I think he could have asked me to pay him for his portion of the equity (which was very little), but he didn't and I wasn't offering. The divorce only cost us $300 and was very fast and easy.

Does your STBX's company have EAP? They might have a resource that can help you out.

Really? It would be awesome if it could happen that simply. H is military, so yes, I believe, for EAP. Good suggestion! I never thought of calling Mil OneSource or anything like that.

[kaneen]

If H is military they will provide free legal services for divorce. ExH was military and we used one of their lawyers so only had to pay the state filing fees.

[bonuts]

Dec 7, 2012 10:33:34 GMT -5 kaneen said:

If H is military they will provide free legal services for divorce. ExH was military and we used one of their lawyers so only had to pay the state filing fees.

Ah, thank you! I probably should have thought of that.

[gozf]

Even if you don't retain a lawyer, it can't hurt to meet with one to get advice -- particularly about your state's rules regarding dating and such. And meet with the toughest, scariest one around. Once that person's met with you, he or she can't represent your spouse.

My lawyer told me that once I was separated, I could date and sleep with whomever I chose. He told me that I could do anything legally except remarry. But that's my state. Yours might be different, and the military aspect might put a different spin on it.

[mcgee]

I wouldn't start dating until you've spoken to your lawyer. Mine said not to date until our divorce was final in February.

I guess invest in a good toy?

[glitzyglow]

My lawyer told me if I wanted to date, feel free because the state I was living in was a no-fault state and any infidelity was a moot point in court.

That said, I waited until the divorced was finalized. I didn't want to have sex with anyone else while still married, even if my ex had. I waited one whole week after the finalization of the divorce, lol.