Does your partner: Embarrass you with put-downs? Look at you or act in ways that scare you? Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go? Stop you from seeing your friends or family members? Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money? Make all of the decisions? Prevent you from working or attending school? Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it? Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets? Threaten to commit suicide? Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.
You may be in an abusive relationship if he or she: Is jealous or possessive toward you. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also a core component of Sexual Addictions and Love Addiction.) Tries to control you by being very bossy or demanding. Tries to isolate you by demanding you cut off social contacts and friendships. Is violent and / or loses his or her temper quickly. Pressures you sexually, demands sexual activities you are not comfortable with. Abuses drugs or alcohol. Claims you are responsible for his or her emotional state. (This is a core diagnostic criteria for Codependency.) Blames you when he or she mistreats you. Has a history of bad relationships. Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you that they are concerned for your safety or emotional well being. You frequently worry about how he or she will react to things you say or do. Makes "jokes" that shame, humiliate, demean or embarrass you, weather privately or around family and friends. Your partner grew up witnessing an abusive parental relationship, and/or was abused as a child. Your partner "rages" when they feel hurt, shame, fear or loss of control. Both parties in abusive relationships may develop or progress in drug or alcohol dependence in a (dysfunctional) attempt to cope with the pain. You leave and then return to your partner repeatedly, against the advice of your friends, family and loved ones. You have trouble ending the relationship, even though you know inside it's the right thing to do.
Does the person you love... • constantly keep track of your time?
• act jealous and possessive?
• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
• discourage your relationships with friends and family?
• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
• constantly criticize or belittle you?
• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
• have affairs?
• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?
I also want you to know that we're here for you. Even if you meet him, even if you go back, even if you don't do a thing we said, we're here to talk, any time.
It's not easy getting out. I know you think we're saying it is. I know it's hard to make that step especially given everything he's said and done in all these years. So if you can't do it now, that's understandable. I read somewhere that it often takes more than one attempt. You just need to know that you can get out. Maybe not today but you can.
I hope today since you are already out. Today can be your day.
I hope you don't meet him, but if you do decide to meet him, please, please, please don't let him talk you out of meeting in a public place. But I hope you don't meet him.
I agree with everything that has been said here. Even if you think you'll get flamed because you didn't follow our advice... Please come back and talk to us!
Leaving is hard, realizing that this is who your partner is is hard. There are resources to help you. Habbsies posted excellent ones. Your local YWCA may also offer services. Please be safe, and keep us updated. From the first post I read, he sounded like an abuser...the mental and emotional control was a huge tip off. Now that you're starting to assert yourself, it's important to be safe. The hotline can help you create a safety plan (for now, if you're back with him, when you're ready to leave, etc.).
Also, please find a way to meet with your therapist individually and tell her what's really going on, being honest. If she still thinks the marriage can be fixed, find another therapist. It's unethical for her to do therapy in a marriage where there's active abuse, so that woled be a prime indicator you need to find someone new.