9 mths after filing, STBX wants to reconcile

[sweetchix]

We are 9 months in after I filed for divorce back in March. At that time, STBX never professed his love or fought for us to stay together. He wasn't happy about it, but he said he wasn't going to make me do anything I didn't want to do. Basically saying he would give me the divorce if that's what I wanted.

Fast forward to summer. Things were starting to get ugly when it came to custody of our kids. I thought we were heading to court for a custody battle for sure. But, we came to an agreement, although it hasn't been signed yet (we go to court on Monday).

Anyway, last night the 4 of us watched part of a show together before the girls went to bed. He made a comment to me about how nice that was. Then this morning, he says to me, "can't we work this out? I know we both have faults but I think we can be a strong family". I told him that I felt he wasn't saying that because he wants US back together, but that he wants our FAMILY back together. And I am one who does not agree that a couple should stay together for the kids.

Geez, this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I went to counseling before filing because I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing by filing for divorce. She said it sounded like I knew what I wanted and that she felt I'd be ok moving forward with it. I don't want to stay together. We do not make a good husband and wife for each other. I just, I don't know, I guess I'm just so confused! Why oh why must he keep pushing us back? Why won't he just accept it so we can move on??

[bullygirl979]

Honestly I think sometimes something smacks the other person in the face to make them think/feel like they want to be with the other person.

My XH initially told me he thought he wanted a divorce. Then I started thinking about it and started feeling it was the right decision. As soon as I said that to him he did a complete 180 stating that he wanted to work things out, would go to counseling, etc. Long story short, none of these things happened and I moved forward with the divorce. It wasn't until he felt threatened that he acted.

Your STBXH may be realizing that grass is not greener on the other side or that it is much easier/comfortable to stay as a family even if it a bad choice for the 2 of you. Stick to your convictions, no matter what they are. You know what is right for you!

[StormyDixon]

Stop spending so much time together as a family, it sends him and the children mixed signals.

[sweetchix]

Dec 8, 2012 15:25:40 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Stop spending so much time together as a family, it sends him and the children mixed signals.

Oops, I meant to modify, not delete.
We are still living together and our DDs don't know yet. We don't want them to be confused so we are waiting to tell them until we have a "final" date to work with.

[doriswe]

Dec 8, 2012 15:00:48 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Honestly I think sometimes something smacks the other person in the face to make them think/feel like they want to be with the other person.

My XH initially told me he thought he wanted a divorce. Then I started thinking about it and started feeling it was the right decision. As soon as I said that to him he did a complete 180 stating that he wanted to work things out, would go to counseling, etc. Long story short, none of these things happened and I moved forward with the divorce. It wasn't until he felt threatened that he acted.

Your STBXH may be realizing that grass is not greener on the other side or that it is much easier/comfortable to stay as a family even if it a bad choice for the 2 of you. Stick to your convictions, no matter what they are. You know what is right for you!

ITA with this. Sounds like this might be feeling a little more "real" to him and he's probably panicking a little because the unknown is scary! He's clutching on to what he knows.

[sweetchix]

Dec 8, 2012 16:43:05 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Dec 8, 2012 15:00:48 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Honestly I think sometimes something smacks the other person in the face to make them think/feel like they want to be with the other person.

My XH initially told me he thought he wanted a divorce. Then I started thinking about it and started feeling it was the right decision. As soon as I said that to him he did a complete 180 stating that he wanted to work things out, would go to counseling, etc. Long story short, none of these things happened and I moved forward with the divorce. It wasn't until he felt threatened that he acted.

Your STBXH may be realizing that grass is not greener on the other side or that it is much easier/comfortable to stay as a family even if it a bad choice for the 2 of you. Stick to your convictions, no matter what they are. You know what is right for you!

ITA with this. Sounds like this might be feeling a little more "real" to him and he's probably panicking a little because the unknown is scary! He's clutching on to what he knows.

My thought exactly. The timing is just so off.

[stephbfan]

Dec 8, 2012 15:25:40 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Stop spending so much time together as a family, it sends him and the children mixed signals.

What mixed signals are you talking about? Parents getting along and spending time with their children even though they are not together? The horror!!

[sweetchix]

So I just get a call from my sister, apparently my STBX called her an left her a message to call him back. I am wondering if he is going to try to get her to talk to me about reconciling. She said she saw it was him and didn't answer. I am a little nervous about this new development.

[mandimija]

It could also be the 'bargaining' stage of his grief. I agree with PPs that it's smacking him in the face that this life change really is going to happen, so he's doing anything he can to abate it. He's probably thinking "Maybe it's not so bad, maybe we can make it work, if I can just make her see..." Bollocks. The divorce is happening. Good news is that this will pass. It's not easy, and it's hard on you, but it will pass. Don't be nervous (I don't blame you, though, for being that way. I would be too), but don't engage him either. This is his deal, not yours.

If it helps, my XH called about two months after I filed and did the same damn thing, complete with teary voicemails. If I didn't like my phone so damn much, I would have thrown it through the wall. It, too, passed (though at times he cycled back). The more that you realize that he's grieving and not wanting to deal with change rather than actually making a change the easier it will be to move forward.

Good luck, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Stay strong! You're making the right decision.