How would you handle this? (kids & death related)

[prettyinpearls]

How would you/would you include two children, ages 6 and 7, in a visitation and funeral for their mother? Would you have them attend the funeral service or stay at home? View their mom privately? Have them there the entire time to visit with family members during the viewing?

I’m just interested in seeing the differing opinions out there.

Just for reference, the actual children in this situation only saw their mom privately at the open casket viewing, and then were taken home before it opened to family/friends. At the funeral, their father brought their DS games for them to play with so they’d sit still during the service.

[prettyinpearls]

Dec 10, 2012 10:36:49 GMT -5 @tjenbell said:

I think this is such a personal thing. I think it would be totally appropriate for them to be at the funeral, but if they were my own children at that age, I would not have them at the viewing. But I do think it's a decision only family can make based on the maturity level and ability to cope of the children.

I completely agree. That’s why I’m interested to see how everyone would handle it.

[doriswe]

I'm not sure....I took a class on death and dying and think our culture is a little too "don't ask, don't tell" when it comes to death and kids. I think there's something to be said for having the kids be able to participate in the process, if that makes sense.

At the same time, I have no clue what I'd do if it were my kids.

[Bernadine]

Generally, I would say no to kids at viewings and funerals, but for their mother, I'd lean towards having them attend both.

[prettyinpearls]

Dec 10, 2012 10:43:55 GMT -5 doriswe said:

I'm not sure....I took a class on death and dying and think our culture is a little too "don't ask, don't tell" when it comes to death and kids. I think there's something to be said for having the kids be able to participate in the process, if that makes sense.

At the same time, I have no clue what I'd do if it were my kids.

This is pretty much where I stand too. I feel like at 6/7 they're old enough to start to understand what death is, even though they might not fully comprehend the true meaning. Kids are much more perceptive than we as adults give them credit for, and maybe experiencing the viewing/funeral is what they would need to help with the greiving process.

That being said, it's definitely a personal situation and there are a lot of individual factors that need to be taken into consideration.

[doriswe]

Back in the "old days", kids were part of the death rituals in the family's home. Death is a inevitable and I think if there are ways we can alleviate some of the scary stuff surrounding death for kids, I'm all for it.

[moolarkey]

My children haven't lost their mom (me) but when they were little they were close to my grandparents. When my grandmother died they were 2 and 5. When my grandfather died they were 5 and 8. They attended calling hours and the funerals. (We typically refer to viewings as calling hours in this area).

H and I took them to the funeral home early, before anyone else and let them walk around, look at things. See my grandmother (and then my grandfather). I let them touch her and ask questions. The funeral director happened to be an old family friend, in fact he'd gone to school with my grandmother from kindergarten on) and he came in and answered questions too.

Death is part of life and my personal belief is that kids should be exposed to it when it happens but there is the need to be tactful and gentle about it. I am an advisor for a group for girls from 11-20. We had a member who had never been to a funeral or even in a funeral home. She was extremely close to her grandparents. Her grandmother died when she was 18. She literally grabbed the door jam, braced her feet against it and would not go in the funeral home. Her grandfather died 6 weeks later. An 18 year old should not be facing death for the first time, if it's occurred in their family/close friends before. I supposed it is possible to get to 18 and never have anyone you know die but I'd think that is rare.

It's better to use it as a teaching moment as much as possible. It is part of life.