How did you tell your kids about your divorce?

[sweetchix]

We went to court today, which was really a waste of our time (we didn't even see the judge). Anyway, I asked my attorney's partner when things should be finalized and he said shortly after the new year.

Given that timeframe, I think it's time we told our DDs (3 & 5- almost 6). We have not told them yet since we are still living together and thought it would be too confusing to tell them we're splitting but yet continue to live together.

How did you tell your kids? What are some things be sure to say? What about to avoid saying?

[jojoandleo]

I don't have any kids, just bumping this in case others have some good advice and this was posted last night when not many were on.

[itbachic12]

I was in a similar situation where XH still lived at the house with us until a month after the divorce was finalized.

At the time, DDs were 5 & 2, so we had to keep it pretty simple, especially for DD2. We told her that she was going to live with mommy and Daddy wouldn't live there eventually, but she would have Daddy weekends and Mommy weekends.

We sat down with the oldest and explained to her that we weren't going to be married anymore but that we would always be her family. Made sure she knew that we both loved her and that would never change. The main questions she had were about when she would get to spend time with each of us, and where she would live etc. We also told her that she could call the other parent if she was missing them, things like that so she didn't feel like she was losing either one of us.

I also read a book with her called "It's Not Your Fault Koko Bear" which is written specifically for young children about divorce. After we read the book, she seemed to have an easier time asking us questions.

My attorney suggested a book I also read before we told them called "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way". It's really helpful as it talks about the different ages and how they may act or interpret things, and what level of detail they'll understand.

[stephbfan]

I ended the relationship when I was pregnant so I didn't have any news to break to DD but I actually had a talk with her on Saturday.

We were at a Bday party for one of her friends. DD's Bday was on Sunday but we are having her Bday party one week later so her dad can be here for it. The other friend started saying that her dad lived with her and he doesn't have to travel. DD thought nothing of it but I used it as a perfect moment to talk about the situation.

I said, both of your parents love you very much and we really care about each other but sometimes, people have to live in separate houses to be happier. You know that you can count on us both if you need anything. Tell them that you and your ex are friends and under no circumstances show any animosity towards your ex in front of the kids. If you can, spend some time together as a family (if the relationship is good enough) because even though you will not be married to him or even stop loving him, you 4 will still be a family.

If I were in your situation, I would say something like that plus saying that their dad will come to see them and they can talk to him whenever they feel like it. If you already have a visitation schedule, I would mention something about it if you know that your ex is serious about it (my ex has NEVER missed visitation) so DD knows when she sees her dad on Skype and when dad is coming to pick her up.

Are you guys moving out of the house? If so, I would make it a point to involve them in the decoration of the new space. Let them pick colors and things for their room so it feels more like home to them.

I wish I had better advice to give you though.

[ro]

We basically just sat down with the younger boys (5 and 2 - almost 3) and told them that Mommy had bought a new house, and they would live there with her, and that Daddy would still have this house and they would still see Daddy a lot. We made sure to tell them that Mommy and Daddy both love them very much, and it wasn't their fault that this was happening but sometimes, even though people care about each other, they don't always get along and can't live with each other. We made sure to ask if they had any questions, and answered them openly and honestly at their age levels and continue to do so if they ask now.

It's been hard, and they will go through an adjustment, but kids are resilient. I just moved in Oct, and the 5 yr old sill says he likes Daddy's house better, but it doesn't last long. I don't take it to heart because I know he's 5 and doesn't understand the big picture. I just make sure to give him lots of hugs and take time for just him so he knows that everything is ok.

[sweetchix]

Dec 11, 2012 8:48:05 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I don't have any kids, just bumping this in case others have some good advice and this was posted last night when not many were on.

Thank you jojo!

[sweetchix]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have heard that there are a lot of good books to read to kids that will help them better understand the situation. I know my little one will likely not understand much, but when it comes time for me to move and we start sharing time, I'm sure she'll have some questions. She's already asked why daddy sleeps out on the couch. My older one is quite sharp. I'm sure she's caught on to some things already, so I'm sure she'll have lots of questions.

We'll make sure we reassure them that we both love them very much and that this is not going to change that and that this is not their fault whatsoever. And I like the idea of letting them know that they can talk to the other parent if and when they're missing them or feeling sad.

Thanks again!