Dating/exclusive ?

[starryfish]

When dating someone new....how long do you wait to bring up dating exclusively?

I have been on 6 dates with the same guy now, spread out over 4 weekends (and some of them have been sleepovers). So we have been "dating" for 4 weeks now. We met online. I brought it up over text last week and he said he is "only seeing me at the moment but still texting other girls from online."

So my question is, when should I bring it up again? When do you normally bring it up? I just feel that after 1 month you should kinda know if you want to be with this person or not exclusively. Am I nuts?

[Deleted]

I don't think you're nuts. I think I was dating DH for about 6 weeks before we had the, "Are you my boyfriend because I called you my boyfriend to someone the other day" talk, but we moved very slowly in the beginning.

Are you really into this guy? What kinds of things do you like about him?

[Deleted]

I'm not sure because I haven't gotten to that point yet, but I would probably have it before we started sleeping together (just a personal preference, no judgement on others). Based on his response it doesn't sound like he's that interested in being exclusive and if you are it may be time to move on.

[fairydust]

I don't think you're crazy either especially if you're sleeping with him. I think that's a pretty big step in my opinion. And he's only texting with these women? My mindset is, if he's still texting other people it's because he's still open to dating other people....

[jade28]

I don't think there is a set timeframe for when the exclusivity talk should happen. It just depends on when you want it to happen and when you feel like you want him to be your boyfriend. I mean I wouldn't have it just to have it and because it's been a certain amount of time. It's okay to wait a bit and see how you feel or how he feels.

My bf and I dated for about a month when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I know pretty quickly if someone is bf material and I am cool with being exclusive early on...but for others it can take much longer so I don't think a month is that long yet. Since you just brought it up last week, I might not bring it up again unless it naturally comes up.

[Bernadine]

Neither J or I like to see multiple people at once. We had talked about that while discussing our online dating adventures, lol, so we were exclusive almost right away.

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 14:23:49 GMT -5 doglove said:

I don't think you're nuts. I think I was dating DH for about 6 weeks before we had the, "Are you my boyfriend because I called you my boyfriend to someone the other day" talk, but we moved very slowly in the beginning.

Are you really into this guy? What kinds of things do you like about him?

Yea I just need to suck it up and talk to him about it. He says he is a shy/quiet person (but is not with me), so maybe thats why he hasnt brought it up?

I do like him, he has no red flags so far, no deal breakers and has what I am looking for. I do enjoy spending time with him but am trying to take this at a "normal" pace since the last guy I dated went SUPER fast emotionally and hurt when it ended.

[redredwine]

I totally agree with everyone else. His response wouldn't sit right with me and I think the right thing for me to do at that point would be to move along, because he's clearly not aware of how awesome I am (I kid, but you know what I mean)

I do think it's different for every situation, but I don't think I'd assume that 1 month of dating=only dating each other.

[jade28]

Yeah that part is odd but I guess it's good he is being honest. To me though that response means he is not ready to be exclusive and he is open to dating other people. I'm not sure what bringing it up again at this time would accomplish. If you do bring it up, it should focus on what you want to be and it should be in person so he takes it seriously.

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 14:30:54 GMT -5 superduper said:

I don't know why, but his response really rubs me the wrong way. I mean, why not just leave it at "only seeing you", why even tell you that he's still texting other women? If he was interested in being exclusive, then he should have actually answered the question. IDK, is he always so assy or does he actually have some redeeming qualities?

Yea it rubbed me the wrong way too BUT he normally doest act like that at all. Hes a gentlemen in person, so maybe it just came across weird via text?

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 14:34:33 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Yeah that part is odd but I guess it's good he is being honest. To me though that response means he is not ready to be exclusive and he is open to dating other people. I'm not sure what bringing it up again at this time would accomplish. If you do bring it up, it should focus on what you want to be and it should be in person so he takes it seriously.

Yea, I "know" i need to do it in person, but I was being a baby/wimp.

I know he has told his family about me, so its kinda confusing. He knows from talking before that I have gone on a lot more dates than he has thru online dating, so maybe hes waiting for me to decide that I want only him?>

[jade28]

Dec 17, 2012 14:34:34 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Dec 17, 2012 14:30:54 GMT -5 superduper said:

I don't know why, but his response really rubs me the wrong way. I mean, why not just leave it at "only seeing you", why even tell you that he's still texting other women? If he was interested in being exclusive, then he should have actually answered the question. IDK, is he always so assy or does he actually have some redeeming qualities?

Yea it rubbed me the wrong way too BUT he normally doest act like that at all. Hes a gentlemen in person, so maybe it just came across weird via text?

He could also just be really honest (which is a good thing, I'd rather know then have him lie). I think you need to clarify if his response was just stating a fact or if he is indicating he still wants to date around.

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 14:37:04 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Dec 17, 2012 14:34:34 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Yea it rubbed me the wrong way too BUT he normally doest act like that at all. Hes a gentlemen in person, so maybe it just came across weird via text?

He could also just be really honest (which is a good thing, I'd rather know then have him lie). I think you need to clarify if his response was just stating a fact or if he is indicating he still wants to date around.

Yea good point. He is a very open/honest person, which i am too.

i guess I just need to talk about it the next time I see him

[achase123]

I know sometimes people seem more reluctant to get exclusive with the online dating because there are SO many prospects out there. Especially if he hasn't been online dating for very long.

Just feel him out on it. If you want to be exclusive, I think it's important you speak your mind.

[jade28]

Dec 17, 2012 14:38:06 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I know sometimes people seem more reluctant to get exclusive with the online dating because there are SO many prospects out there. Especially if he hasn't been online dating for very long.

Just feel him out on it. If you want to be exclusive, I think it's important you speak your mind.

Agree. Don't ask him what he wants and then do whatever he wants. If you want to be exclusive and it's important to you, then share that. I have stayed in dating relationships for far too long waiting for the guy to want to be exclusive when I wanted to be all along, it's not worth it.

[fairydust]

I also think that if a guy wants to be exclusive, he'll let you know and it won't come across as "well, i'm still texting other girls." Just like I believe if a guy wants to see you again, he'll make plans to see you again. Like MCC, her cowboy-cop guy was obviously a bit smothering but he made it known he wanted to see her. There were no doubts about that.

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 14:46:43 GMT -5 superduper said:

Dec 17, 2012 14:45:39 GMT -5 fairydust said:

I also think that if a guy wants to be exclusive, he'll let you know and it won't come across as "well, i'm still texting other girls." Just like I believe if a guy wants to see you again, he'll make plans to see you again. Like MCC, her cowboy-cop guy was obviously a bit smothering but he made it known he wanted to see her. There were no doubts about that.

I agree with this too!

Yea I hear ya too. He makes the plans 1/2 the time and I do the other half. He initiates a lot of the communication. He has also told his family about me and some other stuff. So I feel like its heading in the right direction, but need to discuss this with him in person to confirm I guess.

[bowies]

His response seems off to me too. From the other women's perspective, I'd be pissed if I was texting with a guy who was sleeping with someone else. I'd feel like he was leading everyone on.

Definitely talk about it, but proceed with caution. If I saw boyfriend potential in someone, I'd always have the conversation prior to sleeping with him. If I didn't care, then I didn't care about defining it. He might be thinking that you're seeing/texting other guys too - has he asked you the same question? I think that speaks volumes as well.

[starryfish]

Dec 17, 2012 15:15:34 GMT -5 bowies said:

His response seems off to me too. From the other women's perspective, I'd be pissed if I was texting with a guy who was sleeping with someone else. I'd feel like he was leading everyone on.

Definitely talk about it, but proceed with caution. If I saw boyfriend potential in someone, I'd always have the conversation prior to sleeping with him. If I didn't care, then I didn't care about defining it. He might be thinking that you're seeing/texting other guys too - has he asked you the same question? I think that speaks volumes as well.

Yes he did ask me the question back. I told him I was only seeing him but that I still get messages on the websites (meaning I havent removed my account yet).

[jojoandleo]

I agree with everyone that his response was weird. Personally, when I like someone, I tend to let anyone else I was dating just fall to the wayside and we are exclusive long before talking about it. I do not talk about it before the sex. I am a ho and I like the sex. I KNOW H and I were exclusive before doing it, but we hadn't talked about it.

[jade28]

Dec 17, 2012 15:15:34 GMT -5 bowies said:

His response seems off to me too. From the other women's perspective, I'd be pissed if I was texting with a guy who was sleeping with someone else. I'd feel like he was leading everyone on.

Definitely talk about it, but proceed with caution. If I saw boyfriend potential in someone, I'd always have the conversation prior to sleeping with him. If I didn't care, then I didn't care about defining it. He might be thinking that you're seeing/texting other guys too - has he asked you the same question? I think that speaks volumes as well.

I don't know, I never have any expectations until I am exclusive with someone. This goes both ways. I would never assume that someone would end all contact with others if we were only dating and I would hope they wouldn't assume that about me. When I was dating my now boyfriend, I was dating other people and texting. Even though I knew immediately I wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket until we got closer and had the talk.

When we become exclusive, there were a few people I had to tell that I had met someone.

However, I was not sleeping with anyone. My bf and I did not sleep together until we were exclusive. I only sleep with one person at a time and tell guys they must do the same .

[bowies]

Dec 17, 2012 15:21:07 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Dec 17, 2012 15:15:34 GMT -5 bowies said:

His response seems off to me too. From the other women's perspective, I'd be pissed if I was texting with a guy who was sleeping with someone else. I'd feel like he was leading everyone on.

Definitely talk about it, but proceed with caution. If I saw boyfriend potential in someone, I'd always have the conversation prior to sleeping with him. If I didn't care, then I didn't care about defining it. He might be thinking that you're seeing/texting other guys too - has he asked you the same question? I think that speaks volumes as well.

I don't know, I never have any expectations until I am exclusive with someone. This goes both ways. I would never assume that someone would end all contact with others if we were only dating and I would hope they wouldn't assume that about me. When I was dating my now boyfriend, I was dating other people and texting. Even though I knew immediately I wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket until we got closer and had the talk.

When we become exclusive, there were a few people I had to tell that I had met someone.

However, I was not sleeping with anyone. My bf and I did not sleep together until we were exclusive. I only sleep with one person at a time and tell guys they must do the same .

I think we're in violent agreement here. If I'm just seeing someone, then I might be seeing a lot of someones (ditto for him). But as soon as I want to be in a relationship/sleep with someone, some conversations need to happen.

[hobs209]

Dec 17, 2012 15:21:05 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I agree with everyone that his response was weird. Personally, when I like someone, I tend to let anyone else I was dating just fall to the wayside and we are exclusive long before talking about it. I do not talk about it before the sex. I am a ho and I like the sex. I KNOW H and I were exclusive before doing it, but we hadn't talked about it.

This was exactly how A and I were. I stopped seeing people before we had sex (but we still didn't have the exclusivity talk. Label me a big ol' skank) and he realized after like the 3rd date that he didn't want to see other people. We actually never had a full on conversation about it but we took down our OkC profiles after about 6 weeks.

[jojoandleo]

Dec 17, 2012 15:52:15 GMT -5 hobs209 said:

Dec 17, 2012 15:21:05 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I agree with everyone that his response was weird. Personally, when I like someone, I tend to let anyone else I was dating just fall to the wayside and we are exclusive long before talking about it. I do not talk about it before the sex. I am a ho and I like the sex. I KNOW H and I were exclusive before doing it, but we hadn't talked about it.

This was exactly how A and I were. I stopped seeing people before we had sex (but we still didn't have the exclusivity talk. Label me a big ol' skank) and he realized after like the 3rd date that he didn't want to see other people. We actually never had a full on conversation about it but we took down our OkC profiles after about 6 weeks.

Yeah, he got that we were exclusive when I up and moved in with him after 4 months.

[starburst604]

Dec 17, 2012 15:21:05 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I agree with everyone that his response was weird. Personally, when I like someone, I tend to let anyone else I was dating just fall to the wayside and we are exclusive long before talking about it. I do not talk about it before the sex. I am a ho and I like the sex. I KNOW H and I were exclusive before doing it, but we hadn't talked about it.

Haha this is totally me. I never went out with anyone else after my first date with T, neither did he. We didn't have a serious talk before the sex but he let me know he wasn't interested in seeing anyone else. I think we were "FB official" at 2 months.

[GilliC]

Dec 17, 2012 15:21:07 GMT -5 jade28 said:

Dec 17, 2012 15:15:34 GMT -5 bowies said:

His response seems off to me too. From the other women's perspective, I'd be pissed if I was texting with a guy who was sleeping with someone else. I'd feel like he was leading everyone on.

Definitely talk about it, but proceed with caution. If I saw boyfriend potential in someone, I'd always have the conversation prior to sleeping with him. If I didn't care, then I didn't care about defining it. He might be thinking that you're seeing/texting other guys too - has he asked you the same question? I think that speaks volumes as well.

I don't know, I never have any expectations until I am exclusive with someone. This goes both ways. I would never assume that someone would end all contact with others if we were only dating and I would hope they wouldn't assume that about me. When I was dating my now boyfriend, I was dating other people and texting. Even though I knew immediately I wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to put all my eggs in one basket until we got closer and had the talk.

When we become exclusive, there were a few people I had to tell that I had met someone.

However, I was not sleeping with anyone. My bf and I did not sleep together until we were exclusive. I only sleep with one person at a time and tell guys they must do the same .

This was my situation as well (aside from the not sleeping with anyone, because I'm a little hussy).

In a few cases, where I thought it wasn't clear, I explicitly said that we were not exclusive and I was seeing other people. In other cases, I just left it assumed. When I was sure I wanted to be exclusive, I broke it off with the others, and I told the guy that I had decided I didn't want to see anyone else. I think I even told him that his decision was up to him, but that I like him so much that I didn't want to see other people (because that was true). He felt the same way, so that was good, but I was willing to accept if he didn't, because I knew I would just feel bad going out with other guys when I was so into someone else.

Re: his response, it does sound like he's not ready to be exclusive yet, but that doesn't mean he never will. Like everyone said, it's just something you have to talk about.

[missbetty1]

Dec 17, 2012 14:17:13 GMT -5 starryfish said:

When dating someone new....how long do you wait to bring up dating exclusively?

So my question is, when should I bring it up again? When do you normally bring it up? I just feel that after 1 month you should kinda know if you want to be with this person or not exclusively. Am I nuts?

In my current relationship I didn't bring it up, he brought it up on our 4 date (we hadn't slept together yet). I did tell him through previous conversations that I only sleep with people I'm in an exclusive relationship with... I think that if he hadn't bought it up I would have maybe after a couple of months because he was occupying alot of my time and I would have needed clarity at a certain point...

[greenmom]

I've enjoyed following this thread. I've been dating someone new for just a couple weeks and I'm debating when to have the exclusivity talk. I was casually dating around (many first dates, a few second dates) until I met him, now I'm not interested in seeing anyone else and want to focus on seeing what can develop here. I don't want to rush into any super duper committed deep thing so I think I'm just gonna stop seeing others and if it keeps going well I'll bring up exclusivity at some point down the line. Hopefully it just comes up naturally.

To the OP - Did you have the talk yet? How did it go?

[starryfish]

He's coming over tomorrow