WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED

[gmail]

To my sweet little boy?

He just turned 2 and holyshit. I don't know what happened.

I know the screaming tantrums are normal. I know the mommy/daddy leg-clinging crying fits are normal.

But how the hell do I deal with them??

We tried the Happiest Toddler and it's not working. Probably b/c DS goes from 0-hysterics in .5 seconds.

"Banana?"
"You want this banana?"
"::tears screams meltdown:: NOOOOOOOOO"

We do time-out if he does something really bad like hitting us or the dog, and that's usually okay. However, when he's in hysterics for NO REASON, a time out doesn't seem consistent. Are we punishing him for being sad/mad? We try to say "You're having a tantrum. Go calm down and then you can come back here" but he'll just get louder and louder and more hysterical.

So when they have a screaming hysterical meltdown, do you time out? Just walk away without saying a thing? Say something?


And yes, I've heard 3 is worse. I don't wanna think about it.

[Deleted]

DS is only 1.5, but the tantrums are HUGE. He mostly goes limp and cries with his face in the floor.

My general strategy is to sit just a little bit away from him and say "when you want a hug, I'm here". And he usually comes for a hug after a good wail into the carpet. And then we move on. He's especially easily frustrated because he's not really talking, I think. I don't consider it rewarding the tantrum to offer hugs, because I'll give him hugs any time. I don't negotiate over whatever he's freaking out over (getting dressed, having some item he's never been allowed to have, the cat looking at him funny, I have no idea).

[everam01]

My 1.5 year olds beat their heads on the floor.

I do something similar to token. I sit near them but don't engage until they come over to me when they're done.

[Deleted]

Often offering a distraction will help. The other day DD was out of control and I announced that I was going to put on Gangnam Style and dance around the kitchen. (She LOVES that stupid song, can't get enough of it.) She said NO NO NO NO NO and continued to scream and cry so I went ahead and put on the song and started dancing. Within ten seconds she had run over to join me with a big grin on her face. Then, when she was feeling calmer and happier, we talked about why she had been upset/what emotions set her off/etc. and hugged it out.

If that doesn't work I announce that I am going to leave the room but will be nearby and would love to give her a hug when she feels like she would like one, but that as long as she is being unpleasant I will do other things. Again, we always take a moment to identify her feelings once she is in a calmer place.

[mswax]

DS1 went through this stage around 20 months, and DS2 hit it right at 2. It SUCKS, but it doesn't last forever. I think we had 2-3 months of monster children, and then the tantrums/meltdowns became less frequent.

I'll try to figure out what is wrong and help, but often my involvement will just make things worse, so I'll tell him I'm letting him calm down and then check in every couple of minutes. He needs to decide when he's done...I can't have any role in that.

[SusanBAnthony]

Dd has tons of tantrums, and DS had virtually zero. She has so much drama, it is hilarious. I mostly tell her firmly to snap out of it, or mommy will go in the other room bc it hurts my ears. Or sometimes, I will take her to her room, and she can come out and/or I will go in and give her cuddles whenever she is ready to stop screaming.

I don't want to punish her for having strong feelings, but I also don't want to hear it. Sometimes the threat of not having an audience is enough to stop her in her tracks. Other times she really gets going and she spends 20 minutes screaming bloody murder.

[SusanBAnthony]

Also, she can rarely identify her feelings even after she is calm. We gets so upset that she just has no clue. So I tell her something like "it is ok to be angry/sad/mad but you don't need to scream so much. You can just tell me how you feel". I don't expect her to be able to do that anytime soon but I am hoping someday she will figure it out.

[gmail]

Thanks, all.

If you don't mind sharing, how exactly do you phrase it to your LO?

I have tried:
Eli, you're having a tantrum and you can come find Mommy when you're calm/all done
Eli, you need to calm down and come find Mommy when you're done crying. (Usually, he's screaming for me during the meltdown)

[Deleted]

I see that you are very frustrated/angry/sad because of X reason. Would you like a hug?
(If the answer is no)
Okay. I see that I can't help you. I am going to go into (whatever room) and do (whatever). I could use your help. I hope you will join me when you are feeling better.

[gmail]

Thanks

Do you say it once and then walk away? Do you check in/repeat?

DH and I need to get on the same page with our responses, too.

[Deleted]

I don't think the words matter so much as a calm tone. Does he accept cuddles when he yells for you, or does he try to hit you? If he wants to be held and isn't violent, I would hold him. I think things just overwhelm them, especially at this point where communicating is hard and they're not very reasonable yet.

[gmail]

He wants to be held. At least, that's in the past few days.

Usually, though, it's a fit b/c *something* set him off, like giving him the wrong banana and then it's just a freak out.

Do you hold them even when you're trying to do something? Like if you're trying to get dinner ready or them into the bath, would you stop everything and hold them for as long as they need? Or would you do the "I'm going to ....... you can join me when you're calm?"

Sorry, I know there isn't one magic answer for this. it just feels like it came on SO SUDDENLY for us.

[Deleted]

I would take a minute to try to help him calm down, but not ten minutes. You really just have to balance things as best you can. And I hear you about not really always knowing what set him off, or how to avoid it. I know it's worse when he's tired, but that's about it.

[whitepicketfence]

Dec 17, 2012 15:54:02 GMT -5 everam01 said:

My 1.5 year olds beat their heads on the floor.

I do something similar to token. I sit near them but don't engage until they come over to me when they're done.

DD2 does the head banging thing. It's awful

[Deleted]

What I do is sort of situationally dependent. There is a learning curve involved but I can usually tell now whether ignoring will be best or whether being hands on will be best. If I feel there is a true need for hands on time, yes, I will stop what I am doing to the best of my ability (i.e. I wouldn't leave dinner burning on the stove) and just take a loving and peaceful "time out" together until we are both calm. In some situations I can tell that giving special attention will make things worse so I tell her she is being unpleasant and that I will go do my own thing until she is ready to be pleasant.

Typically if I choose to ignore I will ignore until the behavior stops unless a) I am concerned about her causing damage to life, limb, or property (her own or anyone else's), or b) I suspect that she truly needs a cuddle and that will solve it.

Honestly it is kind of trial and error at first. I am not perfect at it by a long shot still.

[gmail]

Thanks everyone.

I'll start trying these suggestions and see how it goes.

YAY 2!!

[Deleted]

Ignore and/or distract, redirect, avoid triggers, and reinforce good behavior.

Three was worse for us. The tantrums were far less frequent but when he had them, watch out. They were doozies, lol. I have to say that I'm really loving four though. He's such a little sweetheart and so curious about the world. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Ignore it. It's really the only way.

I'd say, "Abigail is mad, mad, mad!!! When you're ready to calm down, mommy will be right over there."

Then I'd ignore her. Once she calmed down, I'd remind her that she could come over for a hug.

Is it sad that I kind of miss the two year old tantrums? They're so much worse now!!!

[Deleted]

totally normal!!

I ignore DD when she throws tantrums. Now that she is older, she will come up to me and say she is sorry. I usually have to prompt her to say what she did wrong during the tantrum (ie- its not nice to throw your dolls at mommy) but its something.

Usually she throws them because she is overtired or not getting her way.

[knitty]

Pretty much what Token does. But, the words matter a LOT. At two, their brain is far ahead of their body, so providing words for them to express themselves is huge.