Post by fussbucket on Dec 19, 2012 18:28:55 GMT -5
Forget gifts for his family. Forget gifts for your family. Get gifts for your kid. DTMFA. None of the gifts you sacrificed to get anyone but your DS will matter after you DTMFA. If your ILs ask where their gifts are, politely, and with a kind smile, ask your H to show them his new gun.
Post by fussbucket on Dec 19, 2012 18:31:04 GMT -5
And stop letting your DS get roped into your emotional turmoil. TOTALLY inappropriate. Stop this immediately, or your divorce will be MUCH more traumatic for him than it needs to be. Yes, really.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 19, 2012 18:41:36 GMT -5
Yes, fuss, you're absolutely right. My emotional state on Thanksgiving was inappropriate for DS to see. I am not going to make excuses for it. I should have been more in careful, and will be in the future.
Starrie, you need to stop worrying about what all these people think of you and take care of yourself and your kid. What have these people done for you? Why are you so concerned about pleasing them ?
I'm still confused about why you need to see all of these people on Christmas and pretend to be a happy couple. Who cares if his family knows something's wrong? Their son is the problem here.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 20, 2012 11:26:47 GMT -5
Doglove, I spent a lot of time last night thinking about why I care what they think... To be honest, I don't know. I just know that I do. Part of it is that I want them to know that I am not the selfish, awful person that they think I am (which is what I found out on Thanksgiving). And part of it is that I feel like if I make waves with them on Christmas and point the finger at H where it rightfully belongs, it will only piss H off more and turn into a huge fight in front of both of our families, thus ruining Christmas for all involved.
My family will understand cutting back on Christmas. I know that they will. But H and his family will not. Purchasing gifts for some of those people who will be attending but not all will create hard feelings, and some of the gifts for my family members have already been purchased. I guess I feel like it's kind of an all or nothing thing at this point.
I know that's probably not right, but I really just want the day to go smoothly, because I know that there will be rough days ahead.
Starry, they don't sound like the kinds of people you NEED to be pleasing. If they think something awful about you, that's their loss. All their negative attention and judgement is on them, not you, and the less time you spend trying to "convince" them, the better. Step out of the crazy zone, you know? The people who are worthwhile to you already know you're awesome.
And really, at this point it no longer matters if you were right about such and such, or if your H is. What matters is how happy, healthy and productive your FUTURE will be.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 20, 2012 11:49:09 GMT -5
I know that their happiness does not need to be a priority. It shouldn't be. The logical part of my brain knows this. I can't explain why I feel the need to prove to them that I'm a good person, because honestly, it makes no sense to me either.
Part of it is that I want them to know that I am not the selfish, awful person that they think I am (which is what I found out on Thanksgiving).
You can't make people think anything about you though. And it seems like these people are unlikely to think the above regardless of whatever you continue to do for them. The important question to ask yourself is - why isn't it enough that you know the above about yourself? That's all that really matters here. You are giving these people way too much control over how you feel about yourself. Especially your DH.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 20, 2012 17:35:43 GMT -5
My mom paid me a surprise visit at lunch today.
I told her that I am having trouble making Christmas gifts happen this year, and (just like I knew she would) told me not to get anything for them. But then she told me that she thought it was important to get something for the ILs as an "olive branch" to help mend fences from Thanksgiving and offered to help me pay for it.
I declined the offer. I don't feel like I should have to buy something for H's parents if I'm not getting anything for my parents. The idea was to treat everyone equally so there were no hurt feelings and bitterness to put a damper on the holiday.
UGH! I'm so over Christmas! It shouldn't be this hard.
Your H's parents are his responsibility. If he wants to get them gifts, he will.
You could maybe pass out your gifts not in front of them because that would be nice.
Asking for gifts is rude, but if they do, you just pass them along to H. Or hell, tell them that you got dental work as your gift this year and you thought about sharing the love, but didn't think it would be appreciated.
I just can't get over the heights of doucheocity this fucker is able to achieve.
When your wife is asking for BASIC DENTAL CARE for Christmas, it means your finances are fucked. It means that any bonus has to be used for bills (ie dental bills, Christmas gifts). That is NOT free money that you then go and buy yourself a gift with (mere DAYS before Christmas) when he hasn't purchased anything for anyone AND he knows that his wife is stressed out about where Christmas money is going to come from.
And I agree, although I know you know it's not rational... Fuck your ILs and what they think about you. They raised the douche who would buy something for himself over a Christmas gift for his son... Their judgment blooooows.
And stop letting your DS get roped into your emotional turmoil. TOTALLY inappropriate. Stop this immediately, or your divorce will be MUCH more traumatic for him than it needs to be. Yes, really.
Oh god, yes. Your kid shouldn't be comforting you. Stop fucking crying and start getting angry.
Post by partiallysunny on Dec 21, 2012 9:09:41 GMT -5
Your H is making this more difficult than it had to be. The only thing you're doing is caring way too much about not hurting people's feelings. People who don't deserve it.
Think about you. Think about your son. Fuck the rest.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 21, 2012 11:33:25 GMT -5
I got home from work last night and H had filled my stocking with stocking stuffers... Now I kind of feel like a bitch. He's still buying the gun, but at least he got me things I needed and wanted too (he's not so good at wrapping things discreetly). I'm still pissed that he didn't pick out a gift for DS, but I've got that covered so I guess no harm done on that front.
And I told him that my mom said not to get them anything, so I'm not getting his parents anything either. If he wants to get them something else, he can. He gave me the side eye, but whatever.
What? Stocking stuffers do not make up for his actions. Why would you tell him that your mother told you not to get them anything? Why are you putting her in the middle of all this mess?
Fucking STOCKING STUFFERS?! Here, I'm going to smack you across the face but here's a pack of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers and a cute pair of socks... we're TOTES cool now, right?!
Starrieskies... you're smarter than this. At this point, you're desperately grasping at (invisible) straws. And yes, there WAS harm done. It doesn't matter that YOU made sure your son had a Christmas gift (because you're clearly the better parent and the better person... so no shit you'd make sure of that). This manchild, mere DAYS before Christmas, bought HIMSELF an expensive gift when it's obvious that the finances aren't in good shape at your house, when your wife is to a point where she's asking for basic medical care from Santa, when your wife already TOLD you she's stressing about how to buy YOUR child and YOUR family gifts this year...
I'm sorry to say this starries (actually, I'm not)... but your H is a piece of shit. That is not a man that you have there. It's a selfish doucher who doesn't give a shit about ANYONE but himself.
Post by partiallysunny on Dec 21, 2012 12:14:02 GMT -5
If you don't think that he knows a token gesture like the stocking suffers was going to make you feel guilty and keep things civil until after Christmas, you are fooling yourself. He's playing you like a fiddle.
Post by starrieskies on Dec 21, 2012 12:18:27 GMT -5
No, I'm not saying all is forgiven. Not at all. This does not magically "make everything better". I guess I just feel a little guilty that I was all "he never thinks about anyone but himself!" when in fact, it appears he did at least a little bit.
Yeah, I am grasping at straws. Part (small, unrealistic part) of me keeps clinging to hope that he will magically turn into the person he made me think he was when we got married. Again, logic in this area is apparently not my strong suit... Something like packing my stocking full of things unexpectedly I guess gives me a very small glimpse of the person I though he was, and I find myself clinging to that fantasy.
It might do you good to make a list of some of the shittier things that have happened w/you and H. The reasons why your marriage is falling apart.
That way when he buys you flowers or stocking stuffers or is sweet for one day or what have you, you have something concrete to remind you that that ONE act does not negate the years of other shit you've put up with.
I do understand - it's really easy to cling to the few "good" things and hope that they dominate over the bad. But you know better
Post by aliceinfairyland on Dec 21, 2012 12:39:52 GMT -5
Starries, take a piece of paper and make two columns. In one column, write all the good, happy things that you are CURRENTLY getting from this relationship, in the other column, write all the bad, crappy things that you are CURRENTLY getting from this relationship.
Then write the worst that could happen if you leave, and if you stay. Then the best that can happen if you leave any if you stay. Realistically, what will happen if your relationship stays exactly the same as it is right now.
I think that you will have all the evidence you need right there to decide this isn't what you want to be, or how you want to raise your son.