But extrapolating that if we don't teach 4 and 5 year olds to fall in line that they'll be teased into high school is sad.
I agree to an extent, and I certainly let my 5 year old wear/do/say all kinds of things that won't be acceptable in 10 years. But I think it is unfair to not even attempt to guide a 5 year old or teach him about social norms, only to turn around when he turns 12 and say, "Sorry, all that stuff we taught you about being yourself and wearing anything you want is bogus. Conform, kid!" Ideally, I think there should be a gentle process of helping kids learn how to fit in, while still giving them some space to decide later on that fitting in is simply not a goal that they care to strive for.
FWIW, I think it was totally wrong of the teacher to take the clip out without the child's consent, assuming that is what happened. I am speaking more to the general issue of whether there is any value in reinforcing gender norms with little kids at all.
I understand the varying viewpoints on this but I still find it disturbing that the solution would be to stifle one child's individual choice as opposed to disciplining the children who may be teasing him about that choice.
Obviously the ideal would be to move away from such a gendered view of the world so that kids grow up thinking that wearing a hair clip is simply a matter of personal choice and not an expression of gender. I am all for striving for that. But I think that as parents we also have to recognize that the ideal we may strive for looks much different than the reality that our kids have to live with. Teaching a child that any individual choice they make with respect to their appearance and how they present themselves is good does not set them up to succeed in a world where how you present yourself matters a great deal.
It's a hair clip on a preschooler. If something that trivial is worth changing, you're not really "striving" for anything. Now is when we can teach them that teasing/bullying is wrong. Now. The older they get, the harder it is. I think that teaching children to embrace their individuality as well as that of others is just as important as teaching them that presentation matters.
I think that teaching children to embrace their individuality as well as that of others is just as important as teaching them that presentation matters.
I agree. And I also agree that the hairclip is trivial. I was thinking more about the larger issues that auntie was posting about and the need for balance between helping kids be themselves and helping them learn to fit in with their peers, which I think it a genuinely difficult issue that we all face as parents. I am not out to squealch anyone's individuality, and I certainly don't care if a 5 year old boy wears a hairclip.
Kids get picked on much earlier than middle school or high school. I was picked on a lot as a kid and it started in 2nd grade. It didn't really get better until high school. I think without knowing if the OPs kid was getting picked on, it's hard to say what the right thing is. If this kid can go to school wearing hair clips and no one teases him, I think that's completely fantastic! But it is not realistic to think that every kid who teases another kid will be disciplined for it and if he's getting teased or left out socially because of his choices, I have to think it's better off in the long run to gently guide him to follow social norms that won't make him a target.
With that said also, if there is real reason to think your child might have a gender identity issue or otherwise exhibits that wearing girl clothing or playing with girl toys is his "true self" - well, I feel like that's a different story. If this is just a case of being a kid who doesn't know the difference between girl things and boy things, I might be more inclined to guide him in a direction that causes less grief.