Think we might be one and done

[Cheerio]

I'm an occasional poster, but I just need to get this out and don't want to talk to anyone about it in my real life.

I've posted a couple of times about my 18-month-old DS, who has an issue with his Calcium levels. We found out about this when he was 13 months old. The doctors can not figure out what is causing it. We just entered in a study at our local hospital that will map DH, DS, and my entire genomes. They will look for any mutations that may cause the high Calcium levels.

When we discussed the study with the doctor, he mentioned that we would probably want to talk to Genetics before having another child. He said that if they can find a genetic abnormality during the study, we may want to test any possible future babies for the same abnormality. In my mind, this means a lot of intervention when trying for another baby -- possibly including PGD.

Prior to having DS, DH and I talked about the possibility of infertility and we agreed that we would not want to do any infertility treatments. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, as I am happy that people who have trouble have all of the options they want, but I just don't see it as a path we would go down.

I also had a very tough time transitioning to motherhood. DH and I were married for over five years before DS was born and we were very used to the way things were. I knew it would change, but my world was totally turned upside-down. He also requires more care because of the Calcium, including three shots everyday, one at 1 am. I can't imagine adding a newborn on top of everything else.

So, we talked last night about being one and done. We both imagined a sibling for DS, and it makes me sad that he may never have one, but I can't imagine going through this all again.

If you made it to the end, thanks for reading. I don't really know what I'm looking for -- I'm just sad that this is kind of where we've ended up.

[Deleted]

Hugs. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. Maybe you should just table the sibling issue for the time being. It might turn out that the condition is not genetic or there is a less invasive way to prevent it than through IVF/PDG. Or maybe at some point such treatment won't seem like such a high hurdle for you. Hopefully with time the extra care your son needs will feel less overwhelming. Hang in there.

[SusanBAnthony]

I can definitely identify. We have two kids, one with special needs. I was sure I wanted a third, but never felt ready (unless I could afford a nanny to help me during the day!). We were still waffling, literally every month when I was fertile we would have a should-we-or-shouldn't-we fight. Then DH had some major heart problems, and surgery, and I just decided I couldn't do it. I still would love to nurse another baby, but I have no desire to be pg or actually have a a newborn. I do really feel like our family is meant to have three kids, so we plan to be open to the option of foster to adopt in a few more years. In the mean time we are just enjoying sleeping all night, and not having a car payment for a minivan!

[baconlettucetomato]

I'm so sorry you guys are having such a rough time. I'd table the sibling conversation for now. Maybe in a couple years adoption or foster parenting may be an option? *hugs*

[karinothing]

I am sorry, that is a lot for anyoen to handle. I can see why you would be hesitant to have more kids. I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say I am sorry that you have to go through all of this.

[froggy76]

Huge hugs. You have been dealing with so much. I think the most important thing is that you don't need to make a decision on another child right now. You can just try to wrap your head around the idea of your DS being an only, and if you change your mind later, you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

My DD doesn't have health issues but I am feeling much the same way as you about another child. I have definitely struggled to adjust to motherhood. Maybe I will feel ready for another kid someday, but right now the thought completely overwhelms me. I always imagined having 2-3 kids, so I'm trying to re-imagine my life with just DD. I'm sure the decision is so much more difficult and complicated with the health issues you're dealing with.

[elocrates]

You have so much going on right now. I think many people in your circumstances may feel the same way. It is okay. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

[Cheerio]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I know that it's nothing that has to be decided right now, but it seems like everyday someone I know announces a pregnancy and many of them have children DS's age or younger.

Another thing is that DH is much younger than his siblings (8 years between him and the next youngest) and we really wanted our kids to be close in age.

I would be open to adoption, but I don't think DH would.

[cvillern]

That's such a hard decision to make. But as an only child I will tell you I LOVED not having siblings. I was also high maintenance health wise (emphysema, scoliosis, leukemia). My mom wanted more kids but knew it would be too hard with all my issues.

Good luck. Siblings or not you DS will thrive.

[whitepicketfence]

I'm so sorry. From all that you've gone (and are going through), it's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't want more children. It's also ok to grieve the loss of what could have been - the thought of a 2nd child.

We're currently undecided on having another child. We waffle back and forth almost daily. I almost feel like at this point I could be happy either way. While I'd be thrilled to have another, I'm also very content with the family we have now. If we decide that we're done, there will still be a part of me the will mourn the fact that we didn't have as many kids as we've always imagined. I hope that makes sense.

[auntie]

You'll make the right choice for you whatever it is.

I am one and done. DS has a mild form of autism and I struggled as his mother pre-dx. He was an intense and high maintnance kid and I assumed I just sucked at being a mother until he was nearly 7 and we figured out why. DH and I were older when he was born and there would be an increased risk of another child on spectrum, but I sometimes regret not having another now that DS is doing so well.

[Deleted]

Sorry you're going through this.

[statlerwaldorf]

That is a lot to go through in 5 months. You don't have to make that decision right now.