The feeling of hopelessness

[ondaflipside]

I found out yesterday that the guy I went to high school with tried to kill his wife and successfully killed himself.

This is a guy that could not kill an ant if you see him. He was my exbf/now exh's best friend. We hung out a lot for the most part of my high school years.

I woke up last night and looked at all of the photos I have of him. He looked so happy, sheepishly shy, a very good looking guy. Not someone that you would suspect would do what he did. He grew up without a father. Then his mother bailed on him as well. So for the most part of his growing years, he was raised by his grandmother. We grew up in my hometown - - a predominantly low class neighborhood in a tourist town. My ex took a liking to him. We all hung out and went to church, friends' parties, back to ex's house, beach, etc. He was one of our groomsmen at our wedding.

Ex and I got divorced, I moved out of state, and I really am no longer connected to anyone in his circle, including T, our friend. The most info I get is FB, and I'm hardly even on there. I just heard that he moved back to town after trying to live with relatives at another state. He's down and out, and ended up living in a duplex behind ex's house. He married, and for a while, lived a quiet, blue-collar life.

He found out that his wife is texting some other guy. So he went ballistic and tried to kill her. Cops were called, and this guy killed himself. His wife is in critical condition.

I just don't get how someone like him can never get a break in life. And granted I don't condone what he did, I can see the feeling of hopelessness that he felt, that drove him to the point of his actions. I just wish he had someone to talk to before he got to this point.

I wish him well. It's a wasted life. A very good man. His wife is in an upgraded condition, but still in the hospital.

[McGavin]

Sorry. That's terrible

[ondaflipside]

Thanks, ladies. I just wanted to get this out. I also feel like people have the wrong impression about this guy, based on their limited knowledge of this person. I don't know the full story of course, but it hurts to hear/read what people says about him and everyone else involved. There's no winner in this situation. I just wish people like him had the strength to reach out to anyone before it escalated to this point.

[vanillacourage]

Mental health assistance should be easier to get than a gun.

[thegooser]

I'm with Jenny. I'm really sorry for your loss. But it turns out your friend was capable of murder, because of text messages.

I'm not really sure where you're coming from with the "could never catch a break in life" claim either. It's sad that both his parents left him, but plenty of people were raised by grandparents. His life sounds sort of average, really, as far as hardship goes. And hardship is no excuse anyway.

My point is not to flame you. But I think you are having a hard time seeing that something was very wrong with your friend.

[ondaflipside]

Dec 22, 2012 20:17:46 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I'm really sorry for your loss. But wrong impression? He tried to kill his wife?

That part I understand. It's just some of the speculations about his background that was spewed out online (his ethnicity, etc.) were just downright uncalled for.

[insominac]

That's really sad.

[ondaflipside]

Dec 22, 2012 20:24:42 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I'm with Jenny. I'm really sorry for your loss. But it turns out your friend was capable of murder, because of text messages.

I'm not really sure where you're coming from with the "could never catch a break in life" claim either. It's sad that both his parents left him, but plenty of people were raised by grandparents. His life sounds sort of average, really, as far as hardship goes. And hardship is no excuse anyway.

My point is not to flame you. But I think you are having a hard time seeing that something was very wrong with your friend.

Of course not. I'm not trying to make an excuse for my friend. There is something wrong for him to flip that way. I can see that.

But you are right. I think my initial shock to the event and my old and dated knowledge of his temperament makes it hard for me to understand what happened.

I guess my biggest point is; it's never too late to reach out to anyone. I just wish he did.

[thegooser]

Dec 22, 2012 20:30:48 GMT -5 ondaflipside said:

Dec 22, 2012 20:24:42 GMT -5 thegooser said:

I'm with Jenny. I'm really sorry for your loss. But it turns out your friend was capable of murder, because of text messages.

I'm not really sure where you're coming from with the "could never catch a break in life" claim either. It's sad that both his parents left him, but plenty of people were raised by grandparents. His life sounds sort of average, really, as far as hardship goes. And hardship is no excuse anyway.

My point is not to flame you. But I think you are having a hard time seeing that something was very wrong with your friend.

Of course not. I'm not trying to make an excuse for my friend. There is something wrong for him to flip that way. I can see that.

But you are right. I think my initial shock to the event and my old and dated knowledge of his temperament makes it hard for me to understand what happened.

I guess my biggest point is; it's never too late to reach out to anyone. I just wish he did.

Agreed. Sorry again about all this.

[sweetnsour]

It must be hard that someone that you were once close to did something sooo horrible. He could have had mental issues after high school. Sometimes you really don't know what is going on in someones head.

[dexteroni]

I'm so sorry. I hope his wife pulls through.

[KaraOrNot]

I am so sorry.

[kwynn]

Edited: To amend an inaccurate statement

Mental illness is not always apparent to those interacting with the person. As has been mentioned many times on these boards (it kind of affects everything in my life, obviously, so I do bring it up a lot and I apologize for that), my husband took his own life completely unexpectedly in April.

You would never, ever, ever have seen it coming, not up until the day he died--he was the nicest, sweetest man I've ever met (hence why I married him). He never even once yelled at me; I'm not saying that with rose-colored glasses on, he seriously never lost his cool or even got a tiny bit mad in the 8 years we dated and the 17 years I've known him (since middle school). So you are not alone in that shock. People hide it well, some people have psychotic breaks, and it's sometimes the ones you never saw it coming that complete suicide versus attempt.

I think something to remember is (my opinion): it was *not* about the text messaging. Not really.

It's a perfect storm of issues and mental illness. The CAUSE is not the catalyst. The catalyst is the straw that broke the camel's back, and if it wasn't the texting, it could have been a dirty dish in the sink or getting a flat tire on the highway or a holiday coming up or someone getting smart with you at work. It isn't a cause--it's just the last little thing.

The cause is: your whole life and your mental illness combined with this usually stressful but could be happy/exciting period of time in your life for whatever reason. A perfect terrible storm of things that comes together in one way that, if it only came together in a different way, might never have resulted in suicide.

It hurts so much to be questioned by police, even kindly, about "What happened between you two yesterday? What set him off?" as though you did something even inadvertently. I still don't know my husband's catalyst. I know the overall causes in his life, vaguely, due to his note he left, but I have no idea what made him decide he was doing this now. When he wrote the note (in advance we believe due to references in it), it doesn't appear the catalyst had happened yet. We had no fights, no disagreements, no troubling issues come up---our life was better than it had ever been, actually---we had celebrated an anniversary, went to Disney recently, had the best Valentine's day in a long time right before, and it was a slow month at work, less stress, so more time to spend together. The day he died, we watched funny movies all day and I started cooking a big dinner--it was so calm and relaxing and I replay it in my mind a hundred times of what I did or said, even innocuously, that could have triggered this in his mind.

Was it reminding him we had to do laundry? Was his life feeling mundane?
Was it asking him to call if he was going to be late from work that night? Was that nagging?
Was it asking him to go for a hike earlier rather than watch movies (if he wanted) and he just felt so depressed he didn't want to go?
Was it us talking about a doctor's appt he was making with his primary because he felt down and tired? Like the fear of telling someone he felt depressed or someone finding out?

I'll never know. That's what's hard about suicide--you will never have the answers.

My husband didn't harm me like your friend did his wife, but I often think about that. He didn't have the means and I have no reason to believe he would have hurt me, but some people with some types mental illness can be unpredictable (depending on treatment and of course it varies by individual) that I can't say for 100% certainty how he would have acted. It's truly so horrible.

Hugs to you, it's very hard.

[Deleted]

Kwynn, sorry for your loss. But when you say all people with mental illness are unpredictable it is untrue, incredibly stigmatizing and cruel.

[kwynn]

Dec 22, 2012 22:35:27 GMT -5 @spenjamins said:

Kwynn, sorry for your loss. But when you say all people with mental illness are unpredictable it is untrue, incredibly stigmatizing and cruel.

I'm sorry.

You're right, not all people with mental illnesses are unpredictable. I stand corrected and amend my statement-that did come off as harsh and overgeneralizing-*some* people with mental illnesses are unpredictable especially if untreated and it is hard to predict (for the layperson) who will become mentally ill and at when since it can affect anyone. How can someone be totally fine and be dead three days later? It was very unpredictable to me.

Like with the OP's situation, I doubt the wife could have ever predicted that he would act that way. I could have never predicted my husband would have killed himself. Sometimes the symptoms (at least to me, a totally untrained person---you have much more insight, obviously) are *not* what they tell you in health class or those simple brochures.

I have anxiety, and I don't think I'm unpredictable, so that does make sense, but some disorders may have unpredictable behavior if not treated, right?

I don't know--I've been very hurt by what I feel was a very shocking, completely unexpected, out of character behavior from my husband, and so it takes a lot for me to trust someone, and I just don't trust people and their behavior anymore-I feel like anyone could do something totally unexpected at any time, and I'm talking anyone-not just those with mental illness.

I hope that doesn't seem cruel that I don't really trust people's behaviors or what they seem like on the outside. I only have my own experience to base it on with my late husband and then a few mentally ill family members and that is not really any experience at all compared to someone that is a doctor in the field.

[insominac]

Oh kwynn... I truly wish I could give you a hug right now. I hope you find MM supportive and know that you're always welcome here. One of my friends committed suicide a couple of years ago and your comments bring all those feelings back. I'm so sorry and frustrated and angry and sad for you. :sigh: