I need help/advice.. Something

[ThisisanAE]

This is not MUD and I'm on my phone, sorry for errors

Basically, I feel like a failure as a mother and I don't know what to do. My kids are awesome typical behaved toddlers, my DH and I have our issues but it's nothing major. Just normal disagreements that come along with being married and raising little people. We have good communication and he is aware of how I am feeling.

I want to leave. I love my kids, but I feel like I'm going to screw them up somehow and that they would be better without me. I don't know how to do it. Do I move away and never come back? I don't WANT to miss out on their lives, but feel I have to put my wishes aside to give them the best life they can have.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess just to hear what this sounds like to someone on the outside?

[smock]

Well, I'm not a parent, but why do you feel like a failure? It sounds like you're having an anxiety problem, since your post isn't "I'm a failure as a mother because I let my dog watch the toddlers while I get high in the bathroom every night."

Don't move away and never come back, THAT would screw up your kids! How about getting some therapy?

[statlerwaldorf]

I think you need to get yourself into therapy right away and figure out why you are feeling this way.

[ThisisanAE]

May 28, 2012 10:14:18 GMT -5 smock said:

Well, I'm not a parent, but why do you feel like a failure? It sounds like you're having an anxiety problem, since your post isn't "I'm a failure as a mother because I let my dog watch the toddlers while I get high in the bathroom every night."

Don't move away and never come back, THAT would screw up your kids! How about getting some therapy?

Nope, the dog doesnt babysit while i get high. I think for the most part i try so hard to not make my parents mistakes and read too much About how i could screw them up that im destined to fail. DH's mom is june cleaver, mine is a finctioning alcoholic.. I feel like my past is bound to catch up and they wont suceed in life. I'll look into therepy, not really sure what I call and say to make the appt "hi my name is X, I would like to run away and never come back"

[Deleted]

That is exactly what you say. I think that is a lot better than bye kids nice knowing you!
Something is missing from the story. This is not a normal im stressed out post...for a mother to want to leave her kids there is something definitely that we arent hearing.

[ThisisanAE]

I honestly can't think of added stresses. My life is normal. My kids are my world, I've never felt like I missed out on anything or didn't get to follow any dream that would make me resent them. I deal with the normal working mom guilt, but mostly because I feel guilty that I'm one of the moms that likes going to work everyday.

Honestly my best camparison to how I feel (and it's awful) is like when Andrea Yates killed her kids because she said she thought the devil was going to get them. Obviously, I would never in a million years hurt my kids or myself. But I just can't help but feel like they deserve a super awesome mom, and I'm just not. I'm normal, and I struggle, and while they'll never miss out on the material crap that they'll want in HS and they have parents and an extended family that loves them to pieces, maybe I'm just not enough. Maybe they would be better if I wasn't around.

[lostlenore]

The way you are talking sounds exactly like me when I had Post-Partum Depression. I also wanted to run away b/c I felt like DS would be better off without having known me. Looking back, I can't believe how twisted my thoughts were.

I talked to a counselor and went on Zoloft and things got so much better. I still have my bad days, but overall I love my life and I love being a mom. And I have two boys who tell me daily how much they love me...so I definitely know that they are better off with me here.

Please get help...you don't have to feel like this. Talk to your doctor or a nurse at your doctor's office and ask them to refer you to a therapist.

You obviously want what is best for your kids...what is best for them is for you to be happy, so please do not wait any longer to get the help you need.

I'm usually just a lurker, but if you need to talk, please pm me...I will try to reply as soon as possible.

[statlerwaldorf]

I don't think there necessarily has to be more to the story. There could be an underlying depression or anxiety disorder. I don't think any of us are qualified to diagnose one and even if we were I wouldn't rely on random internet doctors. I would make an appointment and tell them exactly how you feel. I don't think you will be the first mom to feel this way. Your mental health is just as important as physical health and the best thing you can do for your kids is to get help.

[MixedBerryJam]

I was just about to mention ppd. I had a little bit of it after my first, but after my second, I quite literally thought they would all be better off without me. In addition to giving birth to 2 in 15 months, after my second I started using ... I want to say depo, but I'm not sure ... it was the shot, anyway (looong time ago now). I think the combination of pp hormones and bc hormones is what did me in. Once I got the depo out of my system things honestly did start turning aroud for me. This was, maybe 4-6 months after my second was born.

I hope you turn a corner soon. Your doctor or np can really help you here - please don't try to "fix it" alone. Good luck!

BTW, NONE of us is a super-awesome-mom. We all just love our kids and do the best we can for them, and if some days that means cereal for dinner, well, at least the kids ate!

[heightsyankee]

Or if your kids aren't babies, you could just have depression, rather than PPD. Depression is tough because you don't know why you feel the way you do. Luckily, there are ways to help. A therapist is going to be such a great starting point for you. If you leave, you'll probably just be more depressed without the love and support of your family.

Nothing will screw up your kids more than you walking out. They'll live their entire lives feeling like they did something to make you leave. They need you. You just need some help right now. What you're going through is not something you can effectively deal with on your own. Please search out a therapist soon and keep us updated!

[thisisanAE]

Thank you for the advice and for not making me feel worse then I already do.

I've googled some counsolers and will call them this week. I'm absolutly terrified to do it though. I know I want to talk to someone (why else would I have posted?) However, it seems really scary to walk in somewhere when I'm not in the middle of my nervous breakdown and re-hash it all over again.

I think I've calmed down a little bit since I first posted (as in I am longer ready to fill the car up with gas). I am not sure if it is PPD depression since my kids are almost 2 and 4. I'm sure it could have started 2 years ago and maybe elevated to this? Who knows, I'll let the Dr figure it out what they want to call it. I just know that right now I feel like sh!t for feeling the way that I do and that just starts the cycle over again.

I'll come back and update when I have one.

Thanks again

[fussbucket]

TBH I think you need medical attention. I think you need to make an appointment with your PCP or OB/GYN and tell them exactly what you posted here, that you truly believe your family would be better off without you. You sound like you need medications and close medical observation.

You sound so numb, so desensitized -- which would be very typical for someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent. But you don't have to go through life that way.

Please get help. Medical help. And yes, lots of therapy too. You can do this, and yes you can be a great mom to your kids despite your own parents' failings. It won't be an easy road, but people do it every day, and you can too.

[MixedBerryJam]

I'm glad you're feeling better. And even if it's not post-partum (I don't know what the timeframe is for that, officially) two and four SUCK! So there's that.

Really, no matter what you tell the therapist, I promise you they've heard worse! Good luck!

[jena]

May 28, 2012 11:03:09 GMT -5 @ThisisanAE said:

But I just can't help but feel like they deserve a super awesome mom, and I'm just not. I'm normal, and I struggle, and while they'll never miss out on the material crap that they'll want in HS and they have parents and an extended family that loves them to pieces, maybe I'm just not enough. Maybe they would be better if I wasn't around.

First of all, normal moms are best. Really. Super-moms are either screwed up, faking it, or just non-super in ways that you don't see. Don't believe the fronts that people project.

There is no way in this world that they'd be better off without you. No way.

You seem to be thinking that the counselor will think you're not crazy enough to be there. That's not true. I'm sure they see people everyday who range from mildly feeling "off" to completely whack-a-doo crazy. I'm not doctor but I'm guessing that (when possible) it's much better to go get help when you're just a little crazy and still have loved ones who support you and not wait until you're whack-a-doo crazy and have destroyed all your relationships.

Also, random thought... you can get PPD whenever you wean if you've been BFing until recently. When you stop, your hormones go off-kilter again just like when you give birth.

[BettyBookWorm]

As other said, this sounds like a depressive episode that is in need of medical attention ASAP. Please don't wait. If you have to, print off this post and bring it with you.

I am a first-time mom and always wonder if I am fucking up. However, my kid is happy, healthy and I get compliments on my attempts. So, I have to remind myself that kids don't come with a manual. If you don't have any other issues eating at you other than your self-worth as a mom (are there things that make you feel specifically like you are failing at being an awesome mom?) then it could be depression that really does need attention.

You don't have to be June Clever to be an awesome mom. Are you just striving for "perfection" or what you think should be as opposed to what you can do realistically? No matter what please get a medical consult ASAP.

Please keep us updated if you can please.

[vccake]

Hey - I scanned the responses and they are good - I'm wondering too about unresolved ppd. There is no stigma in my opinion to needing meds to help you cope and enjoy your life and family. Please - you DESERVE less anxiety about this.

And look - you will to some extent fuck up your kids. Obviously there is no rule book to parenting. Try to aim for the average -- you will screw up some things and nail others but in general they will be ok. And kids are early decision makers --- meaning regardless of parental guidance, they will start to do some things that are super smart and super stupid. It's just the way it is.

The only other thing I can think of is that loving someone so deeply is incredibly overwhelming at times I find myself almost NOT hugging my kid - distancing myself for a bit bc the thought of loving my kid so much and then possibly seeing him hurt is more then I think I can bear. And it's truth -- pure love will involve some pain and some of it unfathomable. But the alternative is total fucking aloneness misery - a major suck ass alternative and far more damaging to your kids. Please be around to give your kids that solid foundation of love.

[ThisisanAE]

Ok, I don't want to make a bunch of quotes so I'm just responding to a few different posters.

- I am desensitized from this. I think because I truly do feel like I would be leaving with their best interests in mind. This isn't a "being a mom is hard, I quit" post. It's "I want to make them the most well adjusted people I can, I'm out" post.

- I don't think I'm not crazy enough for therapy. If anything I feel like I'm pretty close to the top of the crazy charts. I still have some of my logical side and know I'm not throw-away-the-key crazy, but yea they'll probably load me up on drugs.

- along with the small bit a common sense I have thru all this, I know I'm going to F my kids up in some way, and they would be weirder if I was perfect. But they deserve to have perfect and a mom that knows wtf she's doing. I constantly feel like if I give them the wrong apple juice or they watch an hour of tv while eating McDonald's they are destined to be giving bj's for crack in truck stop bathrooms. I know that makes me sound nuts! Honestly, I've never been this high strung before. It's like having this anxious/OCD/depressed psycho lady on one shoulder and my real self on the other saying "calm the fuckk down"

[vccake]

Please please tell a professional (and your DH) what is going on. 'Loading you up on meds' - please - don't not say anything bc you fear this. This train of thought you are having that your kids need absolute perfection in a mother, mentioning the Yates mother and saying that you are desensitized -- - there is something brewing and you need to tell someone who will act on your behalf.

[statlerwaldorf]

I was medicated for anxiety. The quality of my life increased considerably. It was very hard just to make that first appointment. I was very happy once I got in there. I almost didn't even go in. They were used to dealing with anxiety disorders and it was not nearly as hard or scary as I imagined. I was scared that I wouldn't even be able to tell them what my problem was. I was on medication for a while and eventually I weaned off of it. I was off of it for over a year and went back on it for a couple of months. I've been off of it for over 2 years now.

[jena]

Meds are a good thing!! Really. The point of a lot of meds is to let you get your head clear long enough to figure out what's really going on and do something about it. They are not usually a forever thing. But even if they are a forever thing, it's ok.

I think they're much more likely to end up working it at the truckstop if you leave. Stay and get help. You are not your mother. You do not need to make her mistakes. Like the rest of us, you'll make your own mistakes. It's ok. Nobody knows wtf they are doing.

[marynjoe]

No parent is perfect. You are being way to hard on yourself and it sounds like depression. You need to get to a doctor ASAP. There is nothing you can say that the doctor hasn't heard before, and the sooner you get to a doctor, the sooner you'll bee better about yourself.

Also, if you were a crappy mom, you wouldn't care about how your kids turn out. The fact that you do care shows that you are a good mom.

[maucat]

You're right to reach out, now you need to reach out to professionals. They will be able to help you, you may or may not need medication. If you are prescribed medication, it's to help stabilize the chemicals in your brain to give the talk therapy time to work. You may be able to wean off later.

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, our brain chemistry goes out of balance. The good news is that there truly are effective treatments. Medication, if you're open to it, can help even out the brain chemistry, and talk therapy can help you deal with all the negative things you're saying to yourself, about yourself. It can also help you address the underlying family of origin issues (your mom). You are NOT your mother. You are not perfect, either. No one is. But there's a hell of a lot of room between functional alcoholic and perfect. Give yourself credit, you're trying to do things differently. I'll bet you are a better mother than you give yourself credit for, and that you'll be an even better mother once you get help through this. And you can absolutely just tell a therapist you feel like walking/running away from everything...that's a good place to start.

[penelope]

Please get yourself some professional help. I have a friend who felt this way, and eventually attempted to overdose, in an attempt to give her children a better life. Come to find out, she was bi-polar, and with the right meds, and lots of therapy, she is a happy mother. She was always a good mother, just not a happy one.

Please reach out to the resources that are out there and find out if there are issues beyond your control.

[gbck]

as well as the therapist, try an adult-children-of-alcoholics meeting.

Because the shit moms can do can be far-reaching. and, to quote the party line "alcoholism is a family disease"

www.adultchildren.org/

[idris]

You sound like I did a few years ago when I went through PPP. I was convinced I had to "disappear" because my husband and children deserved better. Please talk to a doctor or someone you trust. I was terrified they would take my children away if I told anyone what I was feeling, but the dr recognized the problem right away. Please seek help.

ETA: My son was almost a year old before I spoke to anyone about what I was feeling and seeing (added fun of hallucinations). They don't have to be babies for it to be PPD.

[dev22]

This sounds like PPD or PPA - get yourself into therapy immediately, and tell someone, ANYONE, in your life how you are feeling today. Not tomorrow.

The thoughts you are having are not true, and they are the result of the depression and/or anxiety.

If the thoughts get worse or you feel like you are going to break down, go to the hospital. I know that sounds extreme, but they can get you started on meds ASAP and get you feeling better much much faster in an inpatient setting.

[tmonoxide]

See a professional -- and everybody's advice is spot on, as usual.

What doesn't help: all of these "supermom" stories you hear, along with the "having it all" theory. Sorry, but it's nigh impossible to balance everything (couplehood, wifehood, employeehood and motherhood) and balance it all with a guaranee that will be no problems at all and everything will be perfect and sterling.

[clickerish]

Look, OP. My mother was a horrible mother who made my childhood scary and confusing. Why? Not because somewhere in there she didn't give damn, but because she was too stubborn to ever do the therapy or take the meds. Please don't be that person. Your children can't get another mother--even if you always feed them crap, you are still their mother, and you being gone will mess up their life. You disappearing will not magically mean they have a replacement awesome mother. It will mean they get to blame themselves for you not being there. Do you want that? And the mere fact you can SAY that maybe they're better off without you despite not having a crack habit means that you really DO NEED professional help.

I get you don't want to be your mother. I get you don't want to admit that maybe you're facing a similar issue because that could mean you become your mother. But if you actually care about your kids as you say you do, even if you're terrified going to therapy or getting medication will mean you have something in common with your mother, you will DO IT FOR THEM. You will haul yourself to a therapist, take the medication, do whatever the hell you have to do to figure this out, because they matter most. Look at it that way instead.