Who is Right?

[flatlan]

We purchased our house a few years ago from the daughter of the deceased couple that used to live here. They were the original owners who bought the house in 1940. The husband died many years ago but the wife died about 6 months before we bought the house.

About a year after we moved in, I got a post card addressed to the deceased wife telling her about her 60th High School Reunion that was being held a few states away from us. I felt bad about all these old people wondering about the wife that used to live here so I wrote them back a letter telling them that she was deceased and that her daughter lived out of state but I had no address for her. I though that they would like to know what happened to her classmate.

We told this to a neighbor (that was not close to wife) and he was very disapproving and told me that I should have minded my own business. Now I am feeling bad and second guessing my decision.

[vanillacourage]

You're not wrong, but for a 60th HS reunion I don't know that her absence would have been worried over, KWIM?

[steph96]

I have wondered about this too. We still get a ton of mail for the deceased couple. I don't know how to handle the recurring mail.

One time a large check came in the mail (the written amount line was showing in the clear window box) and I wrote "addressee deceased--return to sender". After I dropped it in the mailbox I felt really weird like I did something very inappropriate.

I think it it sort of odd that you wrote a letter back to them. Simply marking out the address and sending it back to the HS probably would have been less awkward.

[StJess80]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I do agree that at a 60th reunion, her absence probably would have been assumed to be from death, but I think it's sweet that you let them know.

[flatlan]

[quote author=steph96 board=mm thread=112823 post=1883186 time=1356930275}

I think it it sort of odd that you wrote a letter back to them. Simply marking out the address and sending it back to the HS probably would have been less awkward.[/quote]

I kept thinking about the rest of the really old people wondering about her and felt that since they had no other way to contact a relative ( this had been her address for over 50 years) that I should give them an explanation. As long as it is not such a horrible, horrible thing that I did then I will quit worrying about it.

[limey]

I don't think it was horrible.

I would have just returned to sender, though.

[pacificrules]

She wouldn't have been the only one to be a 'no show' at a 60th reunion. They would have assumed that she had passed away. I don't think you were wrong, but writing back definitely wasn't necessary.

[dexteroni]

It was nice of you and I'm sure they appreciated it. I don't even get where "minding your own business" plays into it; it's not like you gave private information.

I think the real lesson here is don't tell your neighbors stuff. lol.

[wannabe]

I think it was a nice gesture, and I hope it was appreciated.

[LoveTrains]

I think it was nice! I wish more people would do that for the school I work for. It is such a waste to mail to deceased ppl and it is nice for the classmates to know.

[justjen]

I think that was really sweet

[pacificrules]

Dec 31, 2012 0:30:19 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

It was nice of you and I'm sure they appreciated it. I don't even get where "minding your own business" plays into it; it's not like you gave private information.

I think the real lesson here is don't tell your neighbors stuff. lol.

Ha! This is truth!

[heygrey]

It might not be necessary, but you certainly aren't wrong.

[Nonny]

You weren't wrong, and it was a very nice and considerate thing to do.

My mom is very involved in the planning of her class reunions (she just had her 50th) and they work very hard to know what happened to everyone. I'm sure your letter was very much appreciated.

[birdmom]

Not showing up doesn't necessarily mean that she passed away. She could have been too ill to go, or any number of reasons. It was nice of you to let them know so that her friends wouldn't wonder what happened to her.

[Deleted]

The only odd thing is telling your neighbor. Did you want recognition for it?

[sa]

Dec 31, 2012 8:39:58 GMT -5 birdmom said:

Not showing up doesn't necessarily mean that she passed away. She could have been too ill to go, or any number of reasons. It was nice of you to let them know so that her friends wouldn't wonder what happened to her.

Agreed.

[drloretta]

Your neighbor is weird. Now you know not to tell him anything.

It's very sweet of you to do this.

[jackie011]

I see nothing wrong with what you did. You shared information that anyone could have recovered from public records, so it's not really a MYOB kind of thing.

[ECB]

We can debate the need for a letter or not, but I really find it funny/weird that someone told you that you were wrong to do anything at all! I think it's kind of sad that informing people of the death of someone is seen as "not minding your own business".

[Deleted]

I guess I'm the odd ball but I don't think it was your place. I'd ignored it or hunted down the daughters address & forwarded it to her.

[GailGoldie]

I think it's funny so many think that they would "have assumed she passed away"--- as if that's the only reason for a no-show or no-response.... but either way - it wouldn't be a big deal at all - i would have returned to sender.

I don't think what you did was WRONG but yeah, kind of getting into someone's personal life that you didn't know in a strange way - but nothing wrong or bad about it... though, if the neighbor knew her I can see where he might be a little annoyed thinking how odd it was that you spent time to tell people she was dead, etc.

[Deleted]

Totally nice of you. Your neighbor sounds like a jerk.

[thegooser]

Isn't death a matter of public record?

I think it was very thoughtful of you and it in no way overstepped bounds.

[Deleted]

I think what you did was fine. You were letting the classmates know what happened to her, not gossiping.

[minzy]

I don't think you were wrong at all; I might have done the same thing. Yes, the classmates could have searched her out on the Social Security death index or an online obit, but it's not like you opened mail as this was a postcard, or that your response was written as if you were a close relative.

To be honest, I think it's little acts like yours that make the world a smaller, nicer, kinder place to be. Team You.

[whitepicketfence]

Dec 31, 2012 1:18:15 GMT -5 heygrey said:

It might not be necessary, but you certainly aren't wrong.

Ditto.

[mrssavy42112]

I think what you did was nice in notifying them, that way they don't continue trying to contact her. I don't really know if I would feel compelled to tell my neighbor. I find that part weird. Then again, I have only seen my neighbors 3-4x in the past year & live in an apartment complex. Soooo, we don't exactly talk much!

[LoveTrains]

Dec 31, 2012 9:41:40 GMT -5 minzy said:

To be honest, I think it's little acts like yours that make the world a smaller, nicer, kinder place to be. Team You.

I agree with this 100%.

[GailGoldie]

did the neighbor know it was a postcard? I could see the neighbor thinking it was intrusive if it was in an envelope that you opened.... so maybe that's what the neighbor thought?