My brother is 32 years old and very socially unacceptable in his behavior. He uses the F word every other sentence, has no friends, mooches off my parents, etc. I barely spoke to him on Xmas Eve and he came up to me and said "Why the F*** are you ignoring me- and "Merry F***ing Xmas to You." He was farting constantly, belching, and just acting bizzare. It seems like my parents enable this behavior and I don't want to be around him. I posted on our family board on Facebook what food we would be having and he wrote "a lot for my fatass." I then reminded him that we are paying for the caterer and to be respectful of this (it is my husbands Graduation party-Masters degree), then I also wrote something about him behaving and my mom said "Since when did this post turn into a talk shit on J post?" It's not, but if my parents can't control him, I feel like I need to remind him. He has gotten worse over the years- I feel like he needs to be evaluated, see a counselor, or on meds.
Last year, his apartment was so trashed, my mom came over here crying and asked me to help clean it. It was something like you would see off Hoarders. My mom also had to bring hm a new toothbrush b/c she found a dead flea on his toothbrush. They were checking in on him to make sure he was ok. She also called the Humane Society on him b/c his dog was being neglected and lost most of its hair. They came out, said the dog was OK. My mom took it to the vet and has paid for all of its meds.
I just don't know what to do about him or if there is anything i can do. I just want to distance myself, but even the extended family admitted to me that his behavior was unacceptable on Xmas Eve, and I'm the only one to say anything to him?!
Different circumstances, but I have a similar brother, 41. Do not put up with it. I tortured myself or years thinking I could help. I hide him on FB and have left him to his own devices.
Yes I helped clean. It was sooooo gross. I didn't even get a thank you. I got into it with my mother today about it. We'll see how long we stay mad at each other. My grandma and aunt sent me messages and told me his behavior was HORRIBLE!
My oldest bro is nothing like that but he treated me very terrible as a kid & continued to make fun of me every time the family got together even as an adult (he's 6yrs older). When I met my DH & knew he'd be coming to family events I put my foot down & told my family I would no longer go to anything where he was present. I would not be embarrassed, humiliated, harassed anymore. My mom finally got it & she, my dad & my other older brother (2yrs older than me) sat him down & basically did an intervention. I was in Europe & not there. Anyway they said he would be the one who is no longer welcome at family events if he acted that way ever again. He was about 34 at the time. He's never treated me badly since...that was over 10yrs ago. It's like it finally was serious & sunk in. If I was you I would not participate not tolerate it.
I have tried to not invite him before and she always says " you cant leave him out."
You have to start responding with, "yes, I can." And then outline the reasons why. This may create a distance between you and your mother but there is no reason for both of you to support your brother's bad behavior.
At my sisters graduation party, he picked my 75 yr old grandpa off the ground. He does things without thinking and I am done dealing with it. You guys are making me feel better about cutting him out.
I have tried to not invite him before and she always says " you cant leave him out."
Yes, you can. You are the host. You get to set the guest list. He is an adult. If he can not behave appropriately, you are under no obligation to include him. If she doesn't understand that, she can go hang out with him instead of attending your event.
She said I shouldn't have put anything about his behavior for the family to see. She said he was rude to her on Xmas eve and talked to him about it....blah blah blah!!
She said I shouldn't have put anything about his behavior for the family to see. She said he was rude to her on Xmas eve and talked to him about it....blah blah blah!!
Why? Because the rest of the family has never met him and experienced his behavior personally? Or because he manages to behave around them, just not around you?
Not mentioning the crapping elephant in the room doesn't mean no one can smell the pile of crap.
No they all saw it and even my aunt posted about it! Come to find out- my grandma and aunt discussed it at Xmas. So people can do it behind his back but when I call it out- I'm the bad guy?!
You're not the "bad guy" but you are the only one who is bringing the dysfunction to light among a group of enablers. If everyone was doing this, there wouldn't be this dynamic.
This is really your problem. You helped clean your brother's filthy apartment because of your mom. You only invited him to your party because of your mom. No one else minded that you called him out on his behavior except your mom. Your brother isn't the problem here; well, he is, but you know how to handle him. Your biggest problem is your mom; you haven't yet figured out how to handle her. I recommend you start by realizing that you are an adult and can handle this situation in the way you want. Whatever you want to do about this situation, you don't need her permission, nor can she forbid you from doing it. Good luck!
Leave him out he's toxic. It's no different than not inviting someone who is an addict. You choose who YOU want. If you're mom throws a fit she can stay home too.
Post by Velvetshady on Dec 31, 2012 18:25:24 GMT -5
You are not the "bad guy" here. Back to the crapping elephant example:
The crapping elephant (your brother) is a "bad guy" for crapping in the middle of the living room floor. The elephant trainer (your mom) is a "bad guy" for not stopping the elephant's bad behavior 30 years ago. The person pointing out that crapping in the living room is not appropriate behavior is not the "bad guy" here. And you are not the "bad guy" for stating you will not allow the elephant to crap on *your* living room floor either.
You need to stop placing so much of your self worth on your mother's opinion here. She is not going to admit that she is part of the problem and she will continue to try to shift her guilt on to you--don't accept it.