Socially Inappropriate Brother and how to deal?

[AAM2012]

Stop inviting him. No reason is needed but if she asks tell her that he is rude and makes people uncomfortable.

Nothing will ever change if your mom doesn't see his behavior has a problem.

[pugz]

I recommend the book Boundaries and maybe talking to a therapist about these issues too, can help you work through it and get better at saying no.

[bluejen22]

My mom said to me earlier "I don't know what to do to help him. Just remind him about his behavior."

[Deleted]

It is really a tough thing to deal with. Your mom is I am sure, frustrated, feeling hopeless, guilty, embarrassed... If you can tap in to that, try to bring everyone together. i mean except your brother. Like a "Hey Mom, this must be horrible for you". Let's recognize it.

If not, you need to maintain some boundaries.

[mrsfarmer]

My sister stopped inviting my bother to her house a few years ago. Luckily, he has moved to another state. He claims to have "found religion" now. Then he posts crap on FB contrary to his supposed religion. The kicker was that he has not been home for holidays for a few years because he couldn't afford it. Then somehow this year was able to fly from Texas to Canada to meet his FB "girlfriend" he had never met before. Still couldn't make it home this year to see 90 something grandma. Yea, no card, no nothing from me this year.

[auntie]

Dec 31, 2012 18:00:47 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

At my sisters graduation party, he picked my 75 yr old grandpa off the ground. He does things without thinking and I am done dealing with it. You guys are making me feel better about cutting him out.

Your party, your house, your rules.

But you're describing someone who is either mentally ill or developmentally disabled. I know autistic adults who behave that way. Yeah, the can be weird and annoying, but it's not their choice to be.

If you knew he wasn't playing with the same deck you are, how would you feel about excluding him? If he had something dx'd, like schizophrenia or Down Syndrome, would you feel differently?

And you do realize this sort of stuff is heritable and that should you have a child, you could end up in your mother's shoes?

[Deleted]

Dec 31, 2012 21:41:25 GMT -5 auntie said:

Dec 31, 2012 18:00:47 GMT -5 bluejen22 said:

At my sisters graduation party, he picked my 75 yr old grandpa off the ground. He does things without thinking and I am done dealing with it. You guys are making me feel better about cutting him out.

Your party, your house, your rules.

But you're describing someone who is either mentally ill or developmentally disabled. I know autistic adults who behave that way. Yeah, the can be weird and annoying, but it's not their choice to be.

If you knew he wasn't playing with the same deck you are, how would you feel about excluding him? If he had something dx'd, like schizophrenia or Down Syndrome, would you feel differently?

And you do realize this sort of stuff is heritable and that should you have a child, you could end up in your mother's shoes?

So what are you suggesting? That everyone keep ignoring it? Even if he has a diagnosable condition he needs to seek help for it, not just have his family enable poor behavior.

[allaboutme]

I am wondering if he has had some sort of head trauma or ?? I have seen people that have experienced head trauma like in an accident (car) and then afterwards become this way. If not then I would lean towards mental illness, surely he is in need of seeing a professional. Either way I am sorry you are going through this...

[bluejen22]

Mental illness does run rampant on my moms side of the family. He was on prozac lin high school but then stopped taking it.

[SusanBAnthony]

I understand what you are saying auntie. I also think if no one is willing to face this head on with the brother and try ti get him help, then what can you do other than avoid? Regardless, it would probably be better to keep everything off of Facebook. If you feel the need to talk to him directly, or to your mom about it, call them.

I don't know how far away your mom lives, but can you clearly outline with your brother in advance what you expect, in a polite way, without bringing up past issues? And then leave if he doesn't comply? Is it worth it, or can you just avoid him while you are there? Are other family members mad enough about it to either talk to him and/or your mom about intervening in some way,or to plan a separate holiday gathering that doesn't include him? Are there certain things that trigger him- like alcohol, as you mentioned, and can the family agree not to have that present to help him out?

[Deleted]

Does he have any insight?

[bluejen22]

I live about 20 minutes from mom and 15 from brother. Mom and dad are dealing with a divorce now so its. Been kinda weird. Mom drove him to Xmas eve and he bright his own beer with him. I only responded on facebook Bc he posted something first....I guess I was wrong to call him out but I was so irritated! He always calls me "mangina" in front of everyone and my little cousins said " did he call her vagina?" So embarrassing!

[bronxgirl]

As pps have pointed out, his behavior sounds consistent with someone with a traumatic brain injury, mental illness or developmental disability. Has he been this way his whole life or did he have a marked change of behavior at some point? I agree with Auntie about not completely cutting him out of your life, but you have to set boundaries about what you will tolerate and what is not acceptable and then stick to those boundaries. While your mother could be described as enabler, at the same tiime, as a parent I can't imagine how painful it must be to watch your child be this way. Do you think there is anyone your brother has a connection with who might be able to convince him to seek treatment? I'm sorry you and your family (including your brother) are going through this.

[auntie]

It's hard.

Unfortunately, sometimes these situations don't become obvious until there's little that can be done. Sometimes rose-tinted mommy googles prevent parents from seeing the scope of a problem until their child is too old to force into therapy. Sometimes parents have been let down by schools and physicians who assured them their child was just quirky or a little immature.

Once an individual is 18, you can't force help on them. And even if you could, you might have trouble finding someone willing to work with an adult under such circumstances. And chances are such a clinician would have a waitlist and not accept insurance- DS's therapist is $185 a visit and someone starting out would be seen weekly.

I get where the OP is coming from. I had a younger sister who had a bipolar dx (DS's psych thinks she was probably more borderline or sociopathic) and an addict. It was challenging to deal with her because she had children I wanted to protect. Sis avoided tx and preferred to self medicate.

In the years that she was actively using and really out there, I compartmentalized my life around her. I saw her, but only on my terms. I would agree to attend family functions if she was there, but mostly I saw her for short visits in public places or when she was hospitalized. My situation was a bit different, she was terminally ill and died at 33, so there was an end point which made it easier to protect myself emotionally when the inevidable happened.

Her younger DD is also mentally ill. I tried very hard to get her help when she was younger and open to it. But she just refused to do the heavy lifting needed to give up self medication and the thrills of an untreat bipolar life. Eventually I chose to not include her in my life. My father does not agree with my stance and would prefer I be a go between for them, but I refuse. He moved 1000 miles away to avoid her drama. She called last week looking for their phone numbers; I was asked not to share them. It's ugly stuff.

[lurkergirl123]

Pretty sure he's mentally ill. Sounds a lot like my brother. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree with everyone who said don't invite him. Mom can have him at her house if she wants.

[chessie]

Dec 31, 2012 17:44:18 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

Your mother enables him. If they refuse to do anything you either 1.) deal with it or 2.) stop going to gatherings where he is present.

Sorry.

This pretty much. We are dealing with something similar, its sorta situation we have to cut that half out, what is worse right now there are kids involved now which we will probably get to know.

[kellbell191]

Not the same thing, but my brother has some issues; failed out of cOllege, lived at home and unemployed for a long time. I used to struggle with how to treat it with my parents. I basically point blank told them that I thought he needed some help, I did not think he would do anything about it until they pushed him to, but he wasn't my kid so it wasn't my decision. Every time they would call to complain or whatever after that, I would reiterate that I was concerned also but didn't think he would resolve it until they made him. Different bc I enjoy spending time with him, but absolving myself of any responsibility to fix it and refusing to get dragged into the emotional angst of my parents decisions made it possible for me to have a healthy relationship with him. They did finally give him an ultimatum and he is working and much happier now.

In your case I would probably look up some mental health resources, have a one time chat with your Mom telling her the ability to push him to get help is in her power and control, but in the meantime you can't sit by and watch him hurt everyone. Continue to support her and encourage her to seek help, but limit contact with him.

Mental health experts may disagree with me, but it almost sounds like he is pushing some boundaries because he knows he doesn't fit in. I would tell him point blank that you love him and want him around but you need him to please stop farting, burping, and calling you mangina. Instead of judging and pushing him away give him the chance to participate. I think my brother had so many years of me being the "good child" that he felt judged regardless and pushed the envelope. We had a
Huge fight one day, afterwards I told him how much I adore him, everything I respect about him, and made sure not to butt my
Nose in, try to regulate him, or say snide/judgmental things that embarrassed him. By stepping back and allowing my parents to handle the situation (they were the only ones with the power to fix it) I came out with a stronger relationship with my brother and my parents. It was for them to resolve, not in my power to fix.

[insominac]

Stop posting on Facebook. Start handling things IRL.