Cutting ties...

[explorer2001]

After years of abuse, I'm cutting ties with my family. I saw a lot of them over the holidays. Usually I deal with them by restricting contact but that wasn't possible with extended family in from out of town and staying at my house and my parents'. My brother dislocated one of my fingers and torqued my wrist. My mother said and did too many emotionally and mentally abusive things to list. My dad just watched in silence and did nothing. I deserve better.

I'm not sure if this needs to be permanent or if I can give them a chance again later. I really don't want to try to figure that out now. There's a part of my (well actually several parts of me) that are very hurt and hate this idea, but my family is dangerous to my health (mentally, emotionally, and physically). I just can't subject myself to it anymore.

Has anyone done this? Does anyone have any advice?

Sad way to start the new year but I made a resolution not to subject myself to inhumanity.

[LoveTrains]

I am so sorry you have to deal with a crappy family. How the heck did your brother do that to you?!

[Deleted]

I don't really have any advice but I made the same decision to cut ties with my grandmother over the holidays. It's easier because she is my grandma and not my parents; I don't see her as often and she will probably die soon anyway (that feels mean to say but it's true). I am very sad that our last interaction was a screaming match/me crying and trying to make things right and her saying hateful things to me; that soon she will die and her last words to me will have been terribly ugly ones. But I am reminding myself that she chose her actions and now it is time for me to choose mine. She is toxic and I cannot ever allow her around my child(ren) again.

Sorry, not trying to make this about me, just letting you know you are not alone. You are right not to expose yourself to these people anymore and you will have a happier and richer life because of it. You can always re-evaluate in the future but remind yourself that you cannot control anyone's actions--only the way you respond to them--and sometimes the best and most appropriate response is to end a relationship.

Good luck and hugs.

[birdmom]

Your brother physically injured you? WTF? Sorry that you have to deal with all of that.

[limey]

I cut my dad off in 2004. One of the best things I have ever done.

You don't have to make a big announcement. You can just take it one day at a time and not have contact for a while, during which time you can sort out your feelings and decide how you wish to proceed.

The most important thing here is that when they push your boundaries, you need to stay strong.

I think you've said before that you are seeing a therapist? Mine helped me immensely with this process.

[womet]

Explorer, I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with the emotional and physical abuse from your family. And I applaud you for ceasing all contact with them. {{{hugs}}}

[explorer2001]

Jan 2, 2013 12:01:17 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I am so sorry you have to deal with a crappy family. How the heck did your brother do that to you?!

During the sign of peace at church, you are supposed to shake hands. Instead of civilly shaking my hand, he grabbed my fingers crunching them, popping my pinkie out of socket, and shook really hard while I was trying to pull away, torquing my wrist. Cute, how he made what is supposed to be a sign of peace a disguised attack, isn't it ironic?

[explorer2001]

Jan 2, 2013 12:05:17 GMT -5 limey said:

I think you've said before that you are seeing a therapist? Mine helped me immensely with this process.

Yes I am. She went on vacation for New Years. I have an appointment on the 8th.

[LoveTrains]

Jan 2, 2013 12:06:21 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

Jan 2, 2013 12:01:17 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I am so sorry you have to deal with a crappy family. How the heck did your brother do that to you?!

During the sign of peace at church, you are supposed to shake hands. Instead of civilly shaking my hand, he grabbed my fingers crunching them, popping my pinkie out of socket, and shook really hard while I was trying to pull away, torquing my wrist. Cute, how he made what is supposed to be a sign of peace a disguised attack, isn't it ironic?

I am so sorry to hear that.
({) explorer (})

[Deleted]

I'm sorry.

I have cut out a sibling, but so did my parents, so it was a different scenario (and much easier, I think.)

DH has cut off his immediate family. I think it hurts him a lot still. There was a lot of abuse in his childhood and I think his parents and siblings are still mentally abusive and very manipulative. This weekend MIL left him a voicemail saying she was dying, literally, one sentence, no explanation (she's not dying, or even close.) It was the first time she had called him in forever and when he called her back she immediately started asking for things.

We have our friends, and a few other extended family members that we reach out to and also some really good friends. I think having other people in your life that you can spend the holidays and have fun with is crucial.

He's also taken to just being 100% straight up honest with them and they got the hint, for the most part. Don't dance around the point. Tell them how it is.

[Awkward]

Oh explorer, I just want to give you a big hug for dealing with this. I know you haven't come to this decision lightly, and no one deserves to be treated like that. I hope you gain peace from this.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using proboards

[yourmom]

I cut my brother out of my life about 8 years ago - he was toxic and I didn't want anything to do with him. My parents still have a relationship with him. It was hard at the beginning (comments from my mom), but I stayed strong, got mean at times to my mom when she pushed it (told her if he got hit by a bus tomorrow and died, it would make no difference in my life), and eventually my parents respected my decision.

Honestly, it was the best decision I ever made.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry Explorer. It sounds like something that is really needed.

[limey]

Jan 2, 2013 12:13:27 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

This weekend MIL left him a voicemail saying she was dying, literally, one sentence, no explanation (she's not dying, or even close.) It was the first time she had called him in forever and when he called her back she immediately started asking for things.

This brings up a good point that I forgot to mention on boundaries. When I cut my dad off, I decided that even if I got a "OMG, he's dying" call, I wasn't going to contact him or go see him.
The most important thing, to me, in my father's eventual death is my mental health. Not his physical health, not his mental health, but mine. I get to put myself first.

[ssmjlm]

I think from what you've shared, this sounds like a great way for you to start the year. We're here for you and I wish you lots of strength.

[rubytue]

I have cut off contact with my mother. Several times for a few months, once for 10 years, and we are now 4 months into what is hopefully the final time. The first few times were just ignoring phone calls -never answering, never returning messages. That didn't work too well, bc she would do things like call the police and report me missing.

I worked with a counselor I found through my EAP at work on the long one. We worked together to write a letter explaining that I did not want contact. I can't say it's really worked. Every few years she would try again. I gave in last summer, and it was horrible. 2 months later I had to say stop. She has not stopped. *sigh*

My advice would be to spend some time avoiding all contact while you work everything out in your head. If you have a counselor or have access to an EAP, work with them to process. It only took 3 or 4 sessions to get through it all for me. One thing I was told was, to be fair, I should eventually explain what I was doing. Of course, my mom doesn't respect that. But at least I can say I have told her and she continues to not respect that.

[aspentosh]

I am so sorry you're dealing with this

No experience, but I would probably just stop contact and not make a big deal out of it. No announcement or notification of your intent. Just don't answer the phone. Don't open mail/emails/texts. GL.

[Myrrhine]

I'm so sorry. Your family's behavior, especially your brother's, sounds sickening.

[explorer2001]

Rubytue, you make a good point. I have explained thing to.them before. I'm at the point of trying to decide if I should write a letter or not. Thankfully tax season is starting and I have a valid excuse to disappear for the next few months, since ill be too busy at work.for any social engagements (at least with them).

I am very lucky to have great friends so I have some support. I was able to talk a lot of it out with one of them last night.

[kateross]

I'm sorry your family sucked at being easy to deal with.

It's hard to deal with craptastic family members, and I don't have the guts to tell them off. Sometimes I just take a break from them, and that works for me. Like you said, they don't expect you to be available until after tax season. Hopefully that should give you time to heal and get back to the point of being able to hang out (or at least tolerate) them.

[Deleted]

First I want to say I am sorry that you ( and others too) have to go thru things like this.
and
Second, I want to say that I am truly grateful for the family I have.
I wish everyone had what I have.

[winnied]

Don't make a big deal out of it. Just cut them out. Block them from even being able to call your phone, block them from your email, etc. When I cut my parents out and they called my phone they got a message that the phone was not available or no longer in service.

Is there any way you'd want to reunite? Is therapy as a family (and individually) an option? It was only after I completely cut out my parents that they finally agreed to counseling and it worked. It's not perfect all the time now, but it's drastically improved.

[stephm0188]

I cut off my family. It's been almost 7 years now.

I started out by sticking up for myself and making it clear what my expectations were. "That's really unkind. If you're going to continue to speak to me that way, I'm going to hang up/ leave/ ask you to leave." And then I followed through.

Nothing changed. I couldn't do it anymore. It was taking a toll on every aspect of my life. I was seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants and I was miserable. The thought of seeing them made me sick. When I had a chance to move out of town for my job, I decided to make the cut. "Please do not contact me. I can't have a relationship with you because ________."

It will be hard. It will hurt. They may not respect your wishes. I changed my phone number and it is unlisted, so I don't get phone calls. But I would get phone calls at work. I get emails and they find ways to get through on FB or wherever. I would be lying if I said that even after all this time, seeing a note from one of them in my inbox didn't make my heart race and my palms sweat. I don't know that I'll ever feel like I'm not just waiting for them.

But I don't regret my decision. I have never been happier. I don't need therapy to help me deal. I don't need medication to get through a day. I can live my life the way I choose without ever having to worry about what is going to be said. It's lonely sometimes, especially around the holidays, but it's because I miss having a family to share it with. I don't miss MY family. I just mourn not really ever having one.

If you do it, prepare for it to be permanent. It's very, VERY unlikely that they'll ever change. The only thing that can change is how you deal with them. Going back and accepting their behavior just gives them further ammo to say "It's not us, it's you." And in a way, it's true. They suck and they're abusive, but they're not going to change. You are the only one who can control you and how you deal.

[mrshandy]

You're making the right decision.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

((((HUGS))))

[formerlyak]

Sorry, E. But I know you have been struggling with them for a while, and in the long run this may be what is best for you. Hugs.

[Deleted]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to write and say that you're making the right decision.

It's painful but really good for YOU and your mental health. I'm sorry you have to go through this.