My oldest (almost 5) really struggles when my husband travels (which is pretty frequently) and I'm having trouble figuring out how much to discipline when he's gone. I am far and away the disciplinarian in our house, so when he's gone she's missing the goofy/cuddling/playful parent (not that she doesn't get any of that, but she definitely gets less) and she tends to act out. I know she misses him and it's hard on her, but at the same time I don't feel like I can really allow her to act in a way I'm not okay with when he's gone (lots of talking back, attitude, not listening, etc). How do I find a balance between understanding that she's upset, but still being firm with her behavior? The other think we're struggling with is that she wants to sleep in bed with me when he's gone, which I'm not really okay with. But she tries to tell me she's "scared" and can't sleep alone. I'm 99.9% sure she's just faking so she can sleep in our bed, but I don't really know how to handle that without seeming cold hearted. Any thoughts?
With regard to the sleeping issue - could she be given something of his to sleep with the nights that he's away? One of his favorite tees, a pj shirt of his, or even a special stuffed animal that he hands over to her before he leaves on each trip? That way she could have something that smelled like him or came from him that only comes out when he's gone or at bedtime when he's gone?
My dad was not fun or even really nice when I was growing up. But he left on a 6 month business trip (several times) and I only saw him once during that time. As much as I didn't care for him to be around day to day, I still had this sense of loss. I kept one of his bed shirts under my pillow while he was away, and it was comforting. (This instance I think I was 8, but every few years he left us for 6 months as a contracted employee for the govt/military.)
They also have those recordable books (Hallmark?) where he could read the story/hit record, and she could listen to him read a story to her every night. Or the inserts that you record a message on and put inside a Build a Bear. My sister's girls each have one of those at their dad's house, and it really helps with the adjustment of being away from her overnight.
Or if she's missing some of the goofiness that he brings to the household when he's home, could he leave her daily notes with an idea for a fun evening activity? It could be something she can do alone, but bring a little more of that fun back that's directly from him. "Tonight can you draw me a picture of a dog on a skateboard and tape it to the fridge so I can see it when I get home?" That sort of thing. Interactive and randomy/goofy.
I'd answer her acting out by addressing the travel aspect. "I know you miss Daddy, and I'm sure that makes you frustrated, but you need to clean your room anyway." That sort of thing. And maybe a special thing you do together, like going out to lunch or having her pick a favorite book or game you can read/do together.
As for the bed thing, we did that when my dad was deployed. I'm pretty sure my mom just instituted a night a week where we could sleep in her bed, or had us camp out on the floor in our sleeping bags.
FWIW, DD just this week started with the whole "I want you to sleep with me, I'm scared" routine. I told her the door is open and I'm downstairs. She has a hissy fit, then calms down. And I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness for Caillou. His mom flips his pillow so he can have good dreams instead of bad, and that resonated with DD. We do it every time she goes to sleep now.
I like the special item of H's - or daily notes, that's a good idea! I can usually stay strong when she's falling asleep, but last night she woke up at 3:30 crying hysterically because she was "so scared." And at 3:30 I want to just go to sleep. Maybe letting her choose 1 night to sleep with me when he's gone will help.
My DH works 2 weeks on/ 2 off and when he goes back to work, I'm always dealing with DS missing daddy.
I do NOT let him sleep in my bed. He can always come and get me, I'll lay down w/ him for a bit in his bed, etc - but I'm not going to go down that path.
He now has 2 pictures of daddy that he keeps in/ near his bed so that when he feels sad, he can look at the pictures. One picture DH actually just gave him recently- and I htink it resonated a bit too because it was DADDY who said "Look what I have for you! A picture of me for when I'm at work!".