Long time lurker and needing some advice

[shoxfan369]

I was a lurker on the bump when I was pregnant and started following the nest and then followed it over here. Anyways, I am really struggling and am looking to anyone for a little advice or support.

I have a really long ugly back story, but I will try and make it short. I am 23 now. I married my high school sweetheart when I was 18 and since he was in the military we moved away pretty soon. He was discharged about 2 years later and we moved home. I got pregnant 6 months later. When I was about 8 months pregnant, he came home one night and told me he was gay. After the birth of my son, we divorced and I really had no choice but to accept what happened and do our best to co-parent.

Fast forward a couple months and I met a new guy (who happened to know my XH). We got married 2 years later. He is 32 now. It has been rocky since we got married and my son and I moved in with him. He never really wanted kids of his own but he adapted better than I thought. We would bicker occasionally about some of the rules he had. He didn't want my son running in the house, touching the walls, didn't like him on our bed, etc. A little OCD in my opinion. Over the past year he has softened up some but still i feel like i would be parenting my son differently if it weren't for him.

My XH and I still communicate daily. We share custody of my son 50/50. He still cares about me and I do the same for him. We always back each other up and try to co-parent the best we can. My husband now is 100% opposite of my XH. He is much more business oriented and doesn't really get emotional about ANYTHING. I know i moved too fast but I think i was just in such a state of shock of what happened and it was someone who cared about me.

Lately we had some issues with him and my son and the way he disciplines. We started going to counseling which has been helping a lot. We have several really really good days and then one bad day and I go back to square one and want to leave. He called my XH a fag yesterday and it just really killed me that he would say that about my son's father. I went to our room and started crying because i was upset at the things he was saying. He came upstairs and asked why i was crying like a baby. Sometimes I just don't think he udnerstands how hard it is to be caught in the middle of my XH and him and my son as well. I just want for everyone to be happy and I can't make that happen. My XH DOES NOT like the way my husband treats me or my son and has threatened many times to have him taken away. I don't know if he would really be successful at that but just the thought makes me sick.

There is much more to the story and issues we have had but I guess I was just looking for a place to get this out and get some feedback. We have another counseling appt today at which i will definitely bring up the remarks my husband said about my XH.

Sorry this is long. I am just mentally and emotionally exhausted and feel completely stuck in the middle. All i want is to do what is best for my son and I will do anything to protect him.

[wrathofkuus]

Do you even like your current husband?

[Daria Morgandorffer]

I think you know you made a bad choice here. Just cut your losses. It sounds like your XH would support you in this as well.

[sake]

I don't have any advice, but I'm sure that someone on here will. I hope that things get better for you, and possibly counseling will help that. Although if I was in your shoes, I would probably leave if I had the means to do so.

[LLL]

your current husband sounds like a real big asshole. you need to tell him to respect your son's father and not call him names. and certainly not around you or the child.
you are in a tough spot, keep making your child a priority though.

[papie]

First I am sorry you are having such a hard time. From what you are posting here, your H sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm very uncomfortable with the fact that he interferes with parenting decisions and doesn't treat your son the way you and your son's father feel he should be treated.
Have you gone to therapy alone, for yourself? I'm having a hard time understanding why you married this asshole and why you are still married to him.

[MWOS]

No more babies
No more husbands
Lots more therapy

[saraandmichael]

i am mega judging you for marrying a guy that didn't want kids when you have one. and he, presumably, wasn't cool with the kid running in the house or touching the walls before you got hitched.

so, uh...i think you need to divorce this guy. and find some self worth.

[tulip]

As fast as you jumped into a relationship with your new H, you need to get out. ASAP.

Your son will pick up on his controlling & verbal abuse.

He can't touch the walls or run? Sounds like he can't be a kid. Poor thing.

[sneetch]

So he insulted the father of your child, who sounds like a great parent, then called you a baby for being upset about it? What a loser. I think you need to keep reminding yourself that your son if your first priority, and do what is best for the two of you. Good luck.

[flex]

I'm agreeing with the PP's. Your current DH sounds like a real peach.

[Deleted]

If your current husband is mistreating your son to the point that your ex-husband is threatening to take your son away - the only option is to take your son and get as far away from your husband as possible.

If anyone mistreated my son, I'd be gone so quick it's not even funny.

Good luck.

[RobotLegs]

I think your XH is right to be concerned with the way your H is treating you. He sounds like a dick. Who doesn't let a little kid on the parents bed? And he called you a baby for crying?

Counseling is always worth a shot, but I think this dude may be a lost cause.

[iamgrace]

This sounds like a terrible situation. It also sounds like your XH is a good guy and will help you with whatever you need help with if you decide to leave. This can't be a good environment for your child.

[ECB]

May 29, 2012 13:58:50 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

i am mega judging you for marrying a guy that didn't want kids when you have one. and he, presumably, wasn't cool with the kid running in the house or touching the walls before you got hitched.

so, uh...i think you need to divorce this guy. and find some self worth.

I almost stopped reading when I got to that line. He doesn't want kids, but you thought it would be a good idea to pursue a relationship w/ him?

You're a mother now and your son HAS to come first. HAS to. On so many levels your DH sounds like a total douche, and the final straw being that he calls the father of your son a "fag". Nasty on any level, much less the fact that this is your ex.

Your son WILL hear this eventually.

Leave. And as a PP said - no more marriages for a long, long while and lots of therapy for you.

Put your son first. This is NOT a good environment for him. And honestly - if you don't leave, I hope your ex does sue for full custody and wins.

[EmilieMadison]

Like toledo, I wonder what's keeping you in this marriage: money, security, guilt that this marriage was a mistake? Whatever it is, it's NOT worth staying with someone who treats you so poorly, and that's to say nothing of how he treats your CHILD, who will be emotionally damaged by him AND by you staying with him. Get out now.

[ECB]

May 29, 2012 14:02:24 GMT -5 @lazerus24 said:

If anyone mistreated my son, I'd be gone so quick it's not even funny.

Seriously. I can't fathom posts like this. I can't see ALLOWING anyone to mistreat my son. So deep to my core - this kind of situation pisses me off.

[Deleted]

[

Put your son first. This is NOT a good environment for him. And honestly - if you don't leave, I hope your ex does sue for full custody and wins. [/quote]

Agreed.

[wrathofkuus]

People. She was a KID. That's why she married a grownass man who probably knew exactly what to do in order to make her think he was her savior.

[eatsrainbows]

May 29, 2012 13:58:24 GMT -5 MWOS said:

No more babies
No more husbands
Lots more therapy

Mary is wise, listen to her.

[Deleted]

Get out. Now.

[shoxfan369]

For the most part you are all right. Especially the fact that XH would be very supportive if I chose to leave. He would do everything to help us get back on our feet. Thank you for the advice and wisdom. And for the record, my son was not around when my H said those nasty things about my XH but that's not to say that someday he won't hear them. I obviously know what I need to do and what is right. But it also isn't my fault that my XH decided he was gay so to say that I haven't been successful in picking long term mates is a little harsh. I thought I was doing the right thing and making the right move and I was wrong.

Thanks again for the encouragement.

[papie]

Of course, you couldn't have known he was gay if he didn't know it himself. regardless, getting married at 18, when most people have no idea who the fuck they are, was pretty stupid.

[Deleted]

We all have made bad decisions at one time or another. You did pick a bad long term mate. You married a man who does not like children, when you had a child yourself.

No one was trying to be mean, they were being truthful. Just take your son and leave.

Then get yourself into therapy and you will understand what PP meant about choosing the wrong mate.

Good luck and for now - focus on your son. It seems you have a great support system in your XH.

[sprky79]

Look, this is not the place where things are coated in sunshine, so know that when you read these responses.

You have two men in your life. One is threatening to take your child away and one is making being married a giant nightmare. You need to distance yourself from these as best you can.

And, what Mary said. You need bunches of therapy to address why you keep falling back into the same loser relationships, why you felt the need to marry at 18, and how to set some healthy tools into place for you so that you do not keep writing the same failing script. I wish the best for you.

[ECB]

May 29, 2012 14:48:52 GMT -5 @sprky79 said:

One is threatening to take your child away and one is making being married a giant nightmare. You need to distance yourself from these as best you can.

And the first is happening because of the second. Her son is his child too and I'd do everything I could to make sure my child wasn't around her present DH if I could too. I applaud him for taking the situation seriously enough to want to get his child out of there.

OP - I'm glad to see you're taking our advice to heart and I hope you really do move to action. Protect your son. That has to matter more than anything. He may not have heard "that" comment from your DH, but fo ryour DH to talk like that at all -he is NOT a good role model.

[sprky79]

I guess I'm not necessarily seeing his threats as helpful. Maybe he is a great parent, but absent some actual awareness of physical abuse or addiction issues, "leave your husband or I will try to take your child away" just does not sound all that awesome or helpful, it just sounds like someone else bullying the OP around, and that maybe the OP has a habit of falling for people who try to control her.

OP needs some hard core therapy, and she needs it yesterday. Once she has some better tools to manage her life under her belt, she can work on what to do with regards to the marriage she is in, and any future relationships she might have, and the XH

[ECB]

May 29, 2012 15:11:22 GMT -5 @sprky79 said:

I guess I'm not necessarily seeing his threats as helpful. Maybe he is a great parent, but absent some actual awareness of physical abuse or addiction issues, "leave your husband or I will try to take your child away" just does not sound all that awesome or helpful, it just sounds like someone else bullying the OP around, and that maybe the OP has a habit of falling for people who try to control her.

OP needs some hard core therapy, and she needs it yesterday. Once she has some better tools to manage her life under her belt, she can work on what to do with regards to the marriage she is in, and any future relationships she might have, and the XH

I see where you're coming from.

[marynjoe]

First, I think we should cut the OP a bit of slack about her mistakes. Yes, she's made mistakes, and so have all of us. She's going to therapy with her husband. At least she sees that the current situation isn't working and is trying to figure out what to do next.

So, to the OP, I think you should consider individual counseling. You need to figure out how make better choices in the future and have the confidence to stand on your own two feet. I agree with the rest on here that your husband isn't the ideal father figure for your son. He's probably not going to change, either. You need to put your son and yourself first.

Have you spoken to your ex husband about this? If you moved out, would he be able to help you? Heck, could you move in with your ex in a roommate type situation for a while? Do you have family that would take you in while you get on your feet?

[caffeinebean]

You and your son need to run far and fast from this dick. You need get lots of therapy and not date for a very, very long time. Figure out who you are, as an individual.