Update: My mother is having an affair

[rdgove]

Previous post: pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=mm&thread=95000&page=1

My sister couldn't keep the information to herself. At 18 yrs old, she just couldn't stay out of it. She told my Dad. Dad called Mom, who lied and told him it wasn't true. Dad believed her. Then Dad called me. I couldn't lie to him, so I told him he needed to believe my sister. He called Mom again. This time, she admitted everything.

He immediately told her that he is quitting his job (he is 65 and months away from retiring, so not a big deal there), moving back, and they will then work out the finances and living arrangements. He blames himself for taking a job away from the family for 3 out of every 4 weeks. He was not angry with my sister at all...just sad, I guess.

My mother then called me and told me everything. Details I never wanted to know...OMG, I so didn't need to hear the things my mother confessed to. And then you know what she tells me? That 30 yrs ago, while she was pregnant with me, my Dad had an affair with a coworker that lasted for YEARS!! Apparently she moved out for 6 months with me and then worked it out and she moved back in. Gave me intimate details of all this.

She did take responsibility for her own affair and how much she is to blame for all this, but every other sentence tried to place at least some blame on my Dad's previous affair, his stubbornness in taking his current job (which he took against her objections and without getting anything in writing - then once he had moved and started the job, he realized it was terrible and they lied to him about basically everything), his inability to manage finances, etc.

So they are now splitting up. Dad sent me a horrible text bashing my mother tonight...it's already getting ugly. My sister and I are right in the middle. My Dad said things I would never have expected him to say about my Mom. He's getting a lawyer, expecting her to hide assets, making her pay. He's hurt, which I totally get, but also vindictive, which is so unlike him. Then again, apparently both my parents have had affairs and I never knew, so maybe I don't know them at all...

My sister is devastated. I'm torn. I wish I didn't know everything that I now know. I'm really sad for my kids, who will never know a fun family holiday with the two of them together (and they were really good together, at least in front of me and my kids).

This sucks soooo much.

[pitterwoo]

I'm so sorry for you and this whole situation. I hope for your sanity you can get them to have some boundaries with you and your sister and not be burdening you with more than you need to hear.

[limey]

Jesus, that sucks. I'm so sorry you and yourself are dealing with this.

I can certainly understand how an 18 year old wouldn't be able to keep quiet about this.

[bunch]

Shit. I'm sorry. That's so much to handle.

[Deleted]

Woah... That is a LOT to lay on a person, much less a child. Even as an adult, you are still their child and it is unfair for them to lay it on you.

Please remember, your parent's marriage has no bearing on yours. Their issues are THEIR issues.

Giant hugs to you; I wish I had better advice or words of encouragement.

[Pilsy]

I'm so sorry. I would be devastated.

[Deleted]

Wow. I am so sorry. I hope that things will smooth out and that they can at least be civil to one another. Make sure to put your own family first no matter what. Don't let their fighting affect your relationships with your H or kids.

[lindyanne]

I'm sorry. I went through all of this when I was like uh 6-16. My dad wasn't as bad but my mother was absolutely horrible. Just tell them it is between them and you're not going to discuss their relationship and you don't want to hear about it.

[SusanBAnthony]

Yikes. Sounds like you are going to have to start setting some serious boundaries.

My parents hit a really rough patch this summer. I knew it was bad and I was pretty upset about it. Come to find out it literally got the point that my mom set an ultimatum and my dad backed down at the last minute some didn't leave. Holy crap is it ever upsetting when your formerly happily married parents are suddenly melting down.

[Deleted]

Stay out of it except to encourage each of them to talk to a therapist.

Good luck.

[Deleted]

({) (})

I'm so sorry.

Please don't be afraid to set boundaries with your parents. For example, "Dad, I want to support you but I can't listen to you say those things about Mom. If you are going to do so, I'm going to end this phone call." They can talk about how things are affecting them without bashing each other, but if you allow it, they may not stop.

Also, I wanted to share my experience. My parents divorced during my senior year of high school. Things were pretty rough, including my mom getting a restraining order against my dad and each saying bad things about one another. My dad remarried a few years later. After several years, we were able to do things with both of them present, and we often celebrate things with both at once. My mom will even call my dad to ask for a favor here and there. While I doubt this is common, I want to give you hope that things can get better - they hopefully won't always be so bitter about everything and will be able to be civil regarding one another.

[imojoebunny]

I am sorry for all of you. Most of all for you and your sister who had no part in this. I would tell my parents straight out, "I don't want to hear it." They are both your parents and have been and will be when they figure things out. It is not fair of them to put you and your sister in the middle and expect you to handle playing both sides of the fence. There is no way for you to win, if they put you in the middle. Their marriage is their responsibility. Hugs to you and your sister.

[LoveTrains]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, but that is why I initially said everyone needed to MYOB. No good can come out of interfering in the relationships of others like this.

I agree with the advice to try to set some boundaries. Tell Mom and tell Dad that you are there to support them but you don't want to hear them bashing the other one.

[shortstax]

Jan 5, 2013 23:14:36 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this, but that is why I initially said everyone needed to MYOB.

I'm pretty sure an "I told you so" isn't helpful here. OP I'm very sorry that you and your sis are being dragged through all this. looks like you' 've gotten good advice about setting boundaries above. good luck!

[Deleted]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry. I went through this at 27-28. I was the one who found out, but I never said anything to anyone. It got ugly for quite some time. Being the adult child of childish parents going through something like this is awful.

I absolutely agree with setting boundaries.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry.

Sent from my DROID3 using proboards

[dexteroni]

Woah. I'm really sorry for everything that's going on and for all that's being dumped on you. It sounds like your mom has been harboring some anger for a loooong time. For what it's worth, it probably feels awesome for her to finally be able to release it now, even though she should probably be unloading it to a therapist and not her daughter.

I wonder if your parents wouldn't have been better off splitting up years ago instead of going through the motions for all this time only to still have it go down in flames. There's no point to this other than speculating, but maybe they could have each found better and happier marriages had they split the first time.

Anyway, hang in there and hopefully you can set some limits with both parents regarding what kinds of conversation you will and won't entertain. Good luck ({) (})

[nonsenseabound]

Hugs. Can your little sis come and stay with you when your dad gets back into town? That way she doesn't have to be there?

[mskitkat]

I've been there. My parents divorced when I was 24. My mom had an affair that she told me way too much about, etc. I completely agree you need boundaries. I can't tell my mom anything about my dad's life, because she blames him for her cheating, and any hint he is doing okay upsets her. I finally started ignoring every time she asked about him and answering a completely different question. *hugs* I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[yellowbrkrd]

Ugh, I'm sorry you're dealing this. That's a lot to process.

My parents just split a year and a half ago and even though I'm a married adult myself it is still so hard.

[vtdiamond]

I'm so sorry, that is a lot to deal with. But I agree you're going to need to establish boundaries with them.

[gibbinator]

Ugh that's an awful situation to be put in the middle of. I'm so sorry you're dealing with it.

My parents divorced when I was a kid (over my dad's drinking and I suspect an affair with my best friend's mom) . then for some reason when I was 16 or so, mom started telling me all about how awful my dad was and how he made her miserable etc. Dad suddenly started commenting on her being crazy.

I eventually had to straight out remind them that I loved them both and didn't care to hear anything that would jeopardize our relationships since I was stuck with them as my parents - strengths and faults. They saw the light.

[protozoa]

I am sorry. What a mess. I agree with the PPs to set boundaries and not let either parent trash talk each other to you. Hopefully things will improve in time once everyone settles down.

My dad would trash talk my mom and her BF to me when I was really young which was totally inappropriate. But they get along well now and my dad is friends with my mom's BF (same guy) so hopefully they can be around each other for family events, in time.

[jm1982]

I'm so sorry that you and your sister are being put through this right now.

I don't have any new advice, but I know when DH was in middle school and his parents were going through a bad divorce, they would badmouth each other to him. nothing as graphic as revealing past affairs, but stuff like "well your DAD won't be here this weekend." DH told them both to stop doing that, because they were still speaking about a parent of his. i hear that this was relatively successful for him.

i

[Deleted]

You need to tell both of them you DON'T want to hear about their thoughts on the other parent or divorce. Hang up if you have to. And probably help you sister with setting the same boundaries. Can she stay with you for a bit so she's away from their fighting?

[dancingirl21]

I'm so sorry. My parents divorced when I was 16 (I'm now 30), and since then so much information has come out. My mom was cheating on my dad with women and he knew for a long time. Like you, I've heard so much more than I've ever wanted to know. My best advice is to say that you have your own, separate life from them and don't let this affect everything else. It truly has taken me the 14 years it had been to realize this and to try and move on. I'm the oldest and expecting my first soon, and I totally know what you mean about my children not seeing a happy grandparent home on my side. My parents had a nasty divorce and do not speak at all.

Hang in there. It's a hard time but hopefully you and your sister can lean on each other.

[allaboutme]

Great advice given from the others.... Sorry this is happening to you and your sister.