married people that have separated

[jeekerbeeker]

For those that have gone through a trial separation, how did it effect your relationship in the long run? Did it help you get past your issues or did it end up making things worse? How long did it last?

I'm strongly considering this but I'm just at a loss. It's a conversation I am dreading and finding the words are SO hard. Most likely, I'll go stay at my mom's who has already said that I can stay at long as I need.

Things have been okay lately but I'm still not happy like I once was. I feel like some time apart might help me figure things out.

Sorry if this sounds all over the place.

[walterismydog]

First, I am terribly sorry about your marital troubles. It's a very difficult place to be in.

In my experience, when XH and I separated (for one week, mind you) that was it. That was enough for both of us to know that it was soooo over. Which was good, I think...better than continuing to live together and be miserable. I think a separation is helpful because it allows you to view your life from your own perspective and see what is or is not missing.

[Vally]

we separated for 4 months at the end of 2011, but I was moved back in around the holidays.

honestly it was very good for us at the time. we both had space and addressed issues that needed to be addressed. I was seeing someone on my own, he was seeing someone on his own and when we reconciled we both went back to marital counseling.

however we are now officially separated again (not a trial separation). but I am glad that we tried everything we could.

[sherbanator]

My parents seperated for a year when I was younger and they have been married 35 years now and are happy.

[chalupabatman]

I forget, are you both in counseling?

[jeekerbeeker]

We are not in counseling at this time. I am planning to start going on my own to try to figure out why I'm feeling the way I am then I would like to go together.

Thank you for all of your input. We took a 6 month break before we got married and ended up realizing we wanted to be together. Whether that will happen this time or not, I guess only time will tell.

[EmilieMadison]

I separated from my first husband primarily as a means to show him that I was serious about how shitty I felt about things. It ended up making me realize that I was much happier without him and gave me the push I needed to file for divorce. In the end, it was a great decision and I dont regret it at all. I'm not sure that's what you wanted to hear, but that was my experience. Best of luck.

[chalupabatman]

Jan 9, 2013 9:57:34 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

We are not in counseling at this time. I am planning to start going on my own to try to figure out why I'm feeling the way I am then I would like to go together.

Thank you for all of your input. We took a 6 month break before we got married and ended up realizing we wanted to be together. Whether that will happen this time or not, I guess only time will tell.

I don't think you've explicitly stated what the issues are on here, but DH and I have had some issues this year. Not been close to separating, but issues. We have both been in individual counseling and it has been a huge help. Six months in and I think our relationship is the best it has ever been. I would probably try to go once or twice to counseling before you make the decision to separate. My therapist helped me realize that the issues we were having felt absolutely shitty but were not insurmountable. It put things in perspective and helped me figure out what I wanted to do going forward.

All of this is based on the fact that it sounds like you want to work on the marriage, not just get out.

[Vally]

Thanks TR

[fuckyourcouch]

i'm sorry jeeker. i don't have any personal experience, but i hope you get some answers and can make the best decision for you.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:02:55 GMT -5 chalupabatman said:

Jan 9, 2013 9:57:34 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

We are not in counseling at this time. I am planning to start going on my own to try to figure out why I'm feeling the way I am then I would like to go together.

Thank you for all of your input. We took a 6 month break before we got married and ended up realizing we wanted to be together. Whether that will happen this time or not, I guess only time will tell.

I don't think you've explicitly stated what the issues are on here, but DH and I have had some issues this year. Not been close to separating, but issues. We have both been in individual counseling and it has been a huge help. Six months in and I think our relationship is the best it has ever been. I would probably try to go once or twice to counseling before you make the decision to separate. My therapist helped me realize that the issues we were having felt absolutely shitty but were not insurmountable. It put things in perspective and helped me figure out what I wanted to do going forward.

All of this is based on the fact that it sounds like you want to work on the marriage, not just get out.

Pinpointing the issues are hard which is what I need to figure out. Right now I just kind of feel like I am outgrowing him. He's wonderful and I love him and I DO want it to work but I need to get the feelings that I used to have for him back. Right now I just feel like we are best friends that live together.

[BieberMyBalls]

About 4 years ago, H and I did a trial separation for 6 months. We were dangerously close to calling it quits, but neither one of us were ready to give up just yet. We had a young child, and the environment our home was turning into wasn't one we wanted for him. We tried marriage counseling, but it just wasn't working. We needed to take a step back, and have a chance to work through our individual problems that were contributing to our marital problems, without the tension and constant fighting that became our marriage. When we were ready, we eased into becoming a couple again, going on dates, family outings, spending more time together. We were then able to do marriage counseling, and focus entirely on what we needed to improve as a couple. It was a blessing for us, and 4 years later we're better than we've ever been.

That said, I think its important that you really evaluate things before you take that route. Have you tried everything you can as a married couple to make it work? In your heart, do you feel its over, and are afraid to fully admit it? Is this something your H would be on board with, with the intention of working towards getting back together? If one or both of you are completely checked out, a separation is just going to prolong the inevitable. My point: I believe it can work for some, but its not for everyone.

Sorry for the novel, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I hope things improve for you.

[nk]

Jan 9, 2013 10:07:13 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:02:55 GMT -5 chalupabatman said:

I don't think you've explicitly stated what the issues are on here, but DH and I have had some issues this year. Not been close to separating, but issues. We have both been in individual counseling and it has been a huge help. Six months in and I think our relationship is the best it has ever been. I would probably try to go once or twice to counseling before you make the decision to separate. My therapist helped me realize that the issues we were having felt absolutely shitty but were not insurmountable. It put things in perspective and helped me figure out what I wanted to do going forward.

All of this is based on the fact that it sounds like you want to work on the marriage, not just get out.

Pinpointing the issues are hard which is what I need to figure out. Right now I just kind of feel like I am outgrowing him. He's wonderful and I love him and I DO want it to work but I need to get the feelings that I used to have for him back. Right now I just feel like we are best friends that live together.

I'm kinda in the same place right now. We're going to start counseling but DH isn't really on board with it. He seems to think these are my issues vs us issues.
I definitely feel the bolded part some days. sucks. big time.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:07:52 GMT -5 BieberMyBalls said:

About 4 years ago, H and I did a trial separation for 6 months. We were dangerously close to calling it quits, but neither one of us were ready to give up just yet. We had a young child, and the environment our home was turning into wasn't one we wanted for him. We tried marriage counseling, but it just wasn't working. We needed to take a step back, and have a chance to work through our individual problems that were contributing to our marital problems, without the tension and constant fighting that became our marriage. When we were ready, we eased into becoming a couple again, going on dates, family outings, spending more time together. We were then able to do marriage counseling, and focus entirely on what we needed to improve as a couple. It was a blessing for us, and 4 years later we're better than we've ever been.

That said, I think its important that you really evaluate things before you take that route. Have you tried everything you can as a married couple to make it work? In your heart, do you feel its over, and are afraid to fully admit it? Is this something your H would be on board with, with the intention of working towards getting back together? If one or both of you are completely checked out, a separation is just going to prolong the inevitable. My point: I believe it can work for some, but its not for everyone.

Sorry for the novel, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I hope things improve for you.

I'm glad to hear that everything has worked out for you! That is wonderful.

I don't feel like it's over but there is definitely something missing. Unfortunately, I think my H will be blindsided. He knows that I haven't been that happy lately and we have talked about it but I think this is the last thing he will expect.

[wrathofkuus]

This may sound obvious, but why not try individual counseling and see what your therapist thinks you should do?

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:20:36 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

This may sound obvious, but why not try individual counseling and see what your therapist thinks you should do?

I definitely plan to do this. I just need to find someone to go to. I am slammed at work all this week but next week this is at the top of my to do list.

[bleubook]

Separating will probably not help.
I separated from my Dh and it sped up the divorce if anything.

[BieberMyBalls]

Based on what you've said, my advice would be to try counseling (marriage and individual) before separation. I obviously don't know the details of your relationship, but it sounds like you both may be in a rut, and speaking to someone could really help you focus on what each of you need to improve on, to be happier in your marriage. Separation should be a last resort (imo) and if your H doesn't understand just how unhappy you are and why, suggesting separation might do more harm than good.

[cleo29]

What feelings are missing? The butterflies? Just excitement in general?

I do think some of these feelings will ebb and flow during a marriage, especially when you throw in stress, work issues, finances and kids. Are you sure your feelings are about him and the marriage and not about you? I ask because I have been feeling personal unhappiness but I think it has more to do with me than with my marriage.

[Vally]

I agree with Bieber that separation should be a last resort. And don't blindside your H.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:31:45 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

What feelings are missing? The butterflies? Just excitement in general?

I do think some of these feelings will ebb and flow during a marriage, especially when you throw in stress, work issues, finances and kids. Are you sure your feelings are about him and the marriage and not about you? I ask because I have been feeling personal unhappiness but I think it has more to do with me than with my marriage.

Hell, maybe it is more me than the marriage and that's what I need to figure out. I love him but sometimes wonder if I might not be IN love anymore. He's a great partner and I really can't say anything bad about him.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:33:27 GMT -5 Vally said:

I agree with Bieber that separation should be a last resort. And don't blindside your H.

I think you guys are right and I appreciate the advice. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

[cleo29]

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:00 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:31:45 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

What feelings are missing? The butterflies? Just excitement in general?

I do think some of these feelings will ebb and flow during a marriage, especially when you throw in stress, work issues, finances and kids. Are you sure your feelings are about him and the marriage and not about you? I ask because I have been feeling personal unhappiness but I think it has more to do with me than with my marriage.

Hell, maybe it is more me than the marriage and that's what I need to figure out. I love him but sometimes wonder if I might not be IN love anymore. He's a great partner and I really can't say anything bad about him.

I also think you fall in and out of love (while still loving them at a basic level) during a marriage. We continue to change and grow, so it makes sense that you can fall in love all over again.

I don't know if I would say I feel in love with my H right now, but we have so much going on and we are in it together and for now, that is good enough for me. Now, I just need to get me figured out.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 10:37:08 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:00 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Hell, maybe it is more me than the marriage and that's what I need to figure out. I love him but sometimes wonder if I might not be IN love anymore. He's a great partner and I really can't say anything bad about him.

I also think you fall in and out of love (while still loving them at a basic level) during a marriage. We continue to change and grow, so it makes sense that you can fall in love all over again.

I don't know if I would say I feel in love with my H right now, but we have so much going on and we are in it together and for now, that is good enough for me. Now, I just need to get me figured out.

My mom has told me this same thing. Peaks and valleys...we've just been stuck in a valley for SO long. Sometimes it's hard to imagine getting out of it.

[hisno1girl]

My husband and I separated for six weeks in the fall of 2011 and it was because of the problems he was having dealing with his illness (He has cancer). He had so much anger and he was taking it all out on me (nothing physical). I had/have been in counseling with our priest because of how it was destroying our marriage. I felt resentful for him treating me so poorly while I was killing myself taking care of him. All of the weight was on my shoulders and a few of those feelings have recently resurface over the past six months while he was in chemo again.

I was having anxiety attacks and drinking way too much (I think this was an issue for you too?) and after being in therapy, and speaking with my priest, I finally told him he had to move out and he couldn't come back until he went to therapy and got help for his depression and anger.

Having him out of the house was the best and worst time of my life. I was able to come home and not have him screaming at me the second I walked in the door. I had peace and quiet. It was also the worst time because I missed him so much. We saw each other every day and ate dinner together but he had to leave at night and that was really hard for me. For both of us, actually.

He finally let his guard down and got on ADs and went to therapy and we went to counseling with our priest. It was hard for me to trust him to keep going to counseling when I decided he could come home but he did and it made a huge improvement on our relationship.

He's still on ADs but he's not going to therapy anymore. He meets with our priest for counseling when he feels like things are getting to be too much for him and that works for him. I realize not everyone would consider counseling from a priest to be "real" counseling but we're really comfortable with our priest and faith is a huge part of our life.

I hope things work out for you Jeeker. I really like you and am glad you're a part of ML. Good luck.

(((hugs)))

[cleo29]

Jan 9, 2013 10:40:34 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:37:08 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

I also think you fall in and out of love (while still loving them at a basic level) during a marriage. We continue to change and grow, so it makes sense that you can fall in love all over again.

I don't know if I would say I feel in love with my H right now, but we have so much going on and we are in it together and for now, that is good enough for me. Now, I just need to get me figured out.

My mom has told me this same thing. Peaks and valleys...we've just been stuck in a valley for SO long. Sometimes it's hard to imagine getting out of it.

I understand that feeling, believe me. This past year has been really hard for us. adjusting to two kids including one whose health was just not as great and made for a fussy baby. add to that financial pressure and yeah, it was not good.

But, we are figuring out a plan together and we are going to try to go away for a weekend, just the two of us. I don't know what to tell you, other than it may take awhile. As much as my H can drive me nuts or make me angry, I wouldn't want to go through all of this with anyone else and that is what keeps me going.

[jeekerbeeker]

His-I'm really glad that everything worked out for you guys. I have followed your post regarding his illness and I admire your strength. I can only imgaine how difficult it must be to go through that. And yes, drinking has been an issue for me but I am working on that. I'm actually not drinking at all right now. I won't lie and say it's been easy but I'm trying to focus that energy into other things like working out. It's helping.

Cleo-I'm sorry to hear that you've had a rough year. We do not have children but I know how much it can change things which is why TTC is definitely not on the table at the moment. A weekend away sounds like a great idea. I might try to arrange something for us in the near future.

[jeekerbeeker]

Jan 9, 2013 11:03:49 GMT -5 somebodyelse said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:00 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Hell, maybe it is more me than the marriage and that's what I need to figure out. I love him but sometimes wonder if I might not be IN love anymore. He's a great partner and I really can't say anything bad about him.

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:31 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

I think you guys are right and I appreciate the advice. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

You are a selfish brat. If he's your best friend and you don't want to hurt him, then get off your ass and go to counseling. Oh, but you're so busy with work and stuff.

He sounds like a nice guy. Divorce him now so that he can find someone who will be fully invested in a marriage.

Well, why don't you just fuck right off. This is not helpful at all. If you read my posts you will notice that I said I do want to go to counseling.

[speckledfrog]

jeeker, were you the poster who was taking turns with her H sleeping in the house? If so, then it doesn't sound like it will blind side him. I agree with therapy. Either it is an issue within yourself or an issue between the two of you and therapy will help either of those.

[BieberMyBalls]

Jan 9, 2013 11:03:49 GMT -5 somebodyelse said:

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:00 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

Hell, maybe it is more me than the marriage and that's what I need to figure out. I love him but sometimes wonder if I might not be IN love anymore. He's a great partner and I really can't say anything bad about him.

Jan 9, 2013 10:34:31 GMT -5 jeekerbeeker said:

I think you guys are right and I appreciate the advice. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.

You are a selfish brat. If he's your best friend and you don't want to hurt him, then get off your ass and go to counseling. Oh, but you're so busy with work and stuff.

He sounds like a nice guy. Divorce him now so that he can find someone who will be fully invested in a marriage.

Because THIS is constructive