I am kinda mad at my H but feel bad.

[hannamaren]

My H brother died 3 yrs ago this Thursday.
I assumed that my H might want to do something, go to the cemetary, etc on the day. We have the last 2 yrs.
i asked him last week if I should take the day off. He replied, "I dont even know if I will take the day off" so i didnt bother.
Thenyesterday, he says, "can you get next Thursday off so we can do something with my family?"
No, I cant. It is way too last minute. He understands, but his family is going to think I am rude and insensitive.
And I feel rude and insensitive. If my H is going to be mopey and sad all day, I would like to be there for him.

[dexteroni]

Yeah, since you've done something the past two years, I would have probably taken the day off automatically. You don't have fill ins? What happens when someone gets sick?

But don't feel too badly. He told you not to bother, and he'll be with his family, so it's not like he'll be alone.

[Deleted]

Ugh. That sucks. I totally get where you are coming from. I know how hard it is to get coverage last minute, but I might ask around to see if there is any way you can get off.

[hannamaren]

I am going to see if I can go home early.
But I was sick last week and asked for coverage for Saturday (tomorrow) already. I dont want to be the annoying person.

[liveintheville]

I'd feel the same way as you. Guilty and irrationally annoyed at being made to feel guilty.

[pamela]

I'd feel a little bad, but he told you no and should know by now how taking a day off works for you. It sucks, but you're not a mind reader and you did try.

[hannamaren]

Jan 11, 2013 21:32:18 GMT -5 liveintheville said:

I'd feel the same way as you. Guilty and irrationally annoyed at being made to feel guilty.

He knows this is the way I feel.
He is fine with me working.
I just dont want anyone to think that I think 3 yrs later, we can forget about brother.

[Deleted]

Would your hours allow you to do an after-work dinner with his family?

[dexteroni]

Jan 11, 2013 21:53:57 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

I just dont want anyone to think that I think 3 yrs later, we can forget about brother.

I doubt anyone who knows you would think that you feel that way. I think this is a case of you being too hard on yourself again.

[kwynn]

Don't be hard on yourself. I wouldn't expect anyone to take off for the anniversary of my husband's death---I honestly don't take it personally and neither will his family.

[Deleted]

Jan 11, 2013 22:19:17 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Jan 11, 2013 21:53:57 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

I just dont want anyone to think that I think 3 yrs later, we can forget about brother.

I doubt anyone who knows you would think that you feel that way. I think this is a case of you being too hard on yourself again.

I agree. If you can't find someone to cover for you, your husband will tell them you tried your best. Don't beat yourself up about it. I would have done the same as you.

[hannamaren]

Jan 12, 2013 21:00:09 GMT -5 kwynn said:

Don't be hard on yourself. I wouldn't expect anyone to take off for the anniversary of my husband's death---I honestly don't take it personally and neither will his family.

Well, the only part that makes me feel better is that BIL wife doesnt commemorate things with the family. She keeps her kids with her and does her own thing. So I am not a gaping hole.

[steph96]

Can send your husband with flowers or something like that? Or maybe join them before or after work?

[minzy]

If you wind up not taking the day off, is there some other way you can remember your BIL that day, even if it's just telling your husband and in-laws that you are thinking about them? (My husband brought me flowers in my mom's favorite color on the anniversary of her death last year, and I was really touched by that). Is there something similar you can do as a little nod to him that day that the in-laws would see even if you're not there in person?

I remember you posting about this when it was happening... I can't believe it's been that long.