s/o infertility post

[georgeharrison]

FTL brought this up in the post below:

Another conversation H and I had before marriage:
Say you're pregnant and the baby is able to sustain life on it's own is something were to happen.. If it came down to being in the hospital and your H has to choose between YOU and BABY, which should he choose?

Tough conversation to have, but I think it's also an important one to be on the same page (especially if you are in a state where you're unable to help make the decision) since it's dealing with life/death.

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How would you expect your H to handle this situation? Have you discussed it?

[Deleted]

When we talked to H's parents about this they said that before they had HAD children, they agreed to choose wife over baby.. but once they had H (he is the first born) that completely changed. That they both agreed if anything came down to one of them or their child, they would ALWAYS choose child first.
I totally get it.. I mean.. I have no children, so I don't know the whole "love of a child" yet. But I have heard that as a very common response.

H about died when we had this conversation. He hated the idea that he would have our child and our child would be without his/her mom. He practically started crying just discussing it. THe thought of him having to raise our baby that is part him and part me, but not have me near just crushed him.
So as of NOW, if it comes down to me or baby, he would choose me. IF we have children, I'm sure that will be reevaluated after we have a child and try for a second.

[Deleted]

So, I thought you meant if both are clinging to life but it's touch and go, which room in the hospital would he be in. But after reading your response, I think you mean if it were a choice between saving baby at risk of mom or vice verse? If that's the case, I'm pretty sure H would choose me and while I'm not pregnant yet or anything, that's what I would want him to choose as well since in theory, we could potentially have another child.

[Deleted]

sfgal- Yeah, that's why we had a LONG conversation over this (like.. hours. lol.. We talk everything to death)
It's hard because after months of having baby in you, you have already bonded.. You already have started to learn his/her personality, love him/her, talk, sing, dance for him/her etc. (so they say. ) You are so in love as a couple with this baby that the idea of having it just.. be taken from you is terrifying. Especially because it's not the baby's fault. baby didn't do anything wrong, and hasn't had the years of life that you have already.
Should you then let baby have a chance to live since you already has to many wonderful years?

These were all things H and I discussed. It was hard. He hesitated at first when I brought this up and it reeeeally hurt my feelings. I thought it was a no brainer. Mom over child. You know mom. You lOOOOVE her. You don't know baby yet!! But it's just not that simple in reality.

sf that's how we feel to!! We are sooo solid of a couple, but we get so little time right now with his career that we couldn't imagine added another life into ours that would take even MORE time away from each other. H is turning 30 so his clock is ticking, but since we got married, he seems much more relaxed about waiting because we love our life right now together. We're totally worried about how a baby should change our dynamic (and I'm sure it will) from what it is now..
We're still several years away from it, so I'm not stressing it, but it's always good to get this kinda stuff on the table early to discuss it multiple times because TTC

[georgeharrison]

May 30, 2012 15:20:04 GMT -5 @firsttimersluck said:

When we talked to H's parents about this they said that before they had HAD children, they agreed to choose wife over baby.. but once they had H (he is the first born) that completely changed. That they both agreed if anything came down to one of them or their child, they would ALWAYS choose child first.
I totally get it.. I mean.. I have no children, so I don't know the whole "love of a child" yet. But I have heard that as a very common response.

This is us, too. We talked about it when I was pregnant and he said he'd save me. When we talked about it after Tman was born, we agreed, save the child. Although it would be SUPER sad to not have his/her mama.

[sarack]

he said he'd save the child. i told him he better save me.

[Deleted]

*** I do not mean this to be offensive in any way towards people on here with children ***

sf- This is what I don't get.. .For those of us that don't have kids and are nowhere interested in that journey yet (if ever), why are we selfish? How is it less selfish to add a child to this overpopulated world of starving children just because it has YOUR genes?
That's always my argument.

We're just not ready. I think H's clock was ticking because of all of his friends getting married and having kids, but now that we are married, I think he feels more "caught up" and is happy (thank goodness... haha)

I just have never been baby crazy. My mom runs Child and Youth Services (dare cares, teen centers, family advocacy, does home checks on private "in-home" dare cares, etc) for the Navy so I always volunteered around kids. I think I got my "fill" early on lol. Now I'm all set.
I feel badly because when we visit H's family they just EXPECT that we are going to go craaaazy over the newest additions...eh... no thanks. It's kinda like a wedding. I like hearing about your babies, sure. I can help if you need anything, but don't expect me to go gaga like you are over YOUR child.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 15:51:50 GMT -5 sarack said:

he said he'd save the child. i told him he better save me.

bahahaha sarack. Short and blunt.

[tacocat]

I feel like H would save me, but if it was our cat however, I just don't know.

[sarack]

May 30, 2012 15:53:20 GMT -5 @firsttimersluck said:

May 30, 2012 15:51:50 GMT -5 sarack said:

he said he'd save the child. i told him he better save me.

bahahaha sarack. Short and blunt.

always. you know how i roll.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 16:04:23 GMT -5 tacocat said:

I feel like H would save me, but if it was our cat however, I just don't know.

BAHAHAHAHAA, I BIG PUFFY HEART YOU!!!! I *think* H would save me over the cat, because that's what he's claimed...but I'm not so sure. (He has told Ivan, "I love you but not quite as much as I love your mom.")

[Deleted]

May 30, 2012 16:19:43 GMT -5 @jennuinne said:

We've had this conversation, but I don't remember what, if anything, we decided.

I feel like it "makes sense" to save mom. But, when you want a baby and are pregant and start to bond, I feel like instinct would be to do anything to save your child. I don't know what we'd/he'd do...

Yeah, I agree.. I think that's why H's parents came to the conclusion they did.. and like BabyA mentioned as well.
It makes sense.. That will be an interesting change in mentality to experience come that time, that's for sure.

[MrsH2010]

This is one thing we actually havent talked about (now I am curious to see what DH thinks so I will probably ask him tonight).

It is easy for me right now to say me over baby but I have a feeling the second I know I am carrying a child protecting it is going to be top priority to me.

I think this is something we are going to have to decide when we get a couple months into a pregnancy.

I think it also depends on the individual situation. If I am hanging by a thread and theres the possibility that if they decide to try to save me, I will still die too but if they decide to save baby odd are in their favor, then I would probably say baby.

This is really tough to think about though.

[picksthemusic]

We did right before M was born.

We decided that we'd ask the medical staff to do everything they could to save us both, but if he had to choose one or the other, we decided he should choose me. Our reasoning was that we can always make another baby, we can't replace our marriage.

That being said - it almost came to that with M's birth, and I can tell you with complete honesty that I would have given my life that day to make sure M lived. Thankfully I was fine, it was just M that was having troubles.

[Deleted]

I don't know, because I don't believe it is right to have to choose if one should "get" to live or not. So this is a tough one.. I think in the end he wouldn't choose either of us but try everything to have both of us make it, and if not then have to accept that God knows best.

[MrsH2010]

May 30, 2012 16:04:23 GMT -5 tacocat said:

I feel like H would save me, but if it was our cat however, I just don't know.

Haha, my husband would probably save his fish before me. He is fish obsessed.

[Deleted]

H and I had this discussion both before and after E. We both agreed that they would do everything they could to save us both but if that wasn't possible to save me. I can't imagine him going through life raising a child by himself and honestly I wouldn't want for him to. I also don't want to miss out on anything that E does. We can always try to have another child even though there would always be a hole in our hearts where the one would be but at this time we both can live with that.

[jennlin]

we had this discussion before we got ktfu, and we decided that he would save me. the quality of life of the baby just wouldn't be the same w/o mommy...although not incomplete, it wouldn't be ideal. h would need to heal in losing his wife, and having a newborn too, would just be too difficult. if we chose me, then we could cope with the loss together.