Post by heyrebekah on Jan 14, 2013 13:59:19 GMT -5
Your budget looks okay but your husband sounds like a dick. When you have your MBA and you're making bank, he has no room to complain when things are still split 50/50.
Post by zacksbride on Jan 14, 2013 14:02:19 GMT -5
this situation would not work for us AT ALL! did you guys discuss finances before marriage? considering finances are one of the most common reasons for divorce, i suggest a come to jesus talk before this set up builds a ton of resentment in the marriage. this does not sound like much of a partnership.
at the very least, you need to get him to agree to not split shared finances 50/50. if he makes more than you, then he needs to contribute more to those expenses based on what % net income each of you earn.
also, i would not agree to letting him use tax refund for lawn mower. you need part of that that to help with repayment of debt.
you should show him this thread to maybe shed some light to him that a bunch of internet strangers think he is being a complete ass to his wife.
I don't know that your H is coming off well here. He doesn't want to support you financially (or at least, make things "even" in terms of actual income). He wants you to work 2 jobs plus go to school full time. Does he do some of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping?
I mean, if you like that sort of thing, fine, but I would have a hard time with a guy who could be described as a stubborn bull, and who wanted to keep "his" money separate like that. He sounds like a selfish jerk right now, to me.
He does maybe 10% of the cooking. As far as cleaning... never on his own. I always have to ask or he'll chip in if he sees I'm doing something. I do 100% of the grocery shopping. It is frustrating but I do try to set some limits. I do not pick up after him and I do not do his laundry or pack his lunch, etc.
Did you guys talk about finances before getting married? That was one of the biggest parts of our premarital counseling, and if I knew that my DH was going to have that kind of attitude about money, I would have seriously reconsidered going through with the marriage.
Haven't been through a tax time married yet... we'll see how it works out. I already agreed that we could use our refund (if we get one) to buy a lawn mower.
no no no to so much of this. However, if you are splitting 50/50, big no to him getting all the tax refund. Did you not have an ytaxes taken out of your check? Half is yours and could go on your loans. I get the impression that you handle inside chores and he does the outside stuff. He should buy the lawnmower with his own money. If yall don't have one, he can get out there with some scissors.
If you have a major house repair or car repair or medical bill or something like that, how does that work financially. What if one of you does not have the money saved up?
Does he pay for his own health insurance? Does he have access to the HSA?
He does "do" the outside stuff but we just bought this house last year and didn't have a lawn mower all summer so we paid for lawn care. So he really has no excuse for not helping me inside the house.
He does pay his own health insurance.
The HSA is mine, he does not have access to it.
If anything were to go wrong with the house he would step up and pay for it if I didn't have any money to contribute. He's done this before.
He does "do" the outside stuff but we just bought this house last year and didn't have a lawn mower all summer so we paid for lawn care. So he really has no excuse for not helping me inside the house.
He does pay his own health insurance.
The HSA is mine, he does not have access to it.
If anything were to go wrong with the house he would step up and pay for it if I didn't have any money to contribute. He's done this before.
That's good he will at least step up in an emergency.
Say you need new pots and pans. Does that come from your money or a household savings? What about towels? Who buys those? I'm just trying to figure out the lawn mower thing.
Why don't you charge him for your housekeeping fees? About $160 per month sounds good. Also, your cooking and meal prep..that's another $150 per month depending on how good your cooking is. Also, if he eats more than you, I would tell him to pay 60-70% of the grocery bill instead of 50:50. You can use call this your part-time job and use the extra income to pay down your sls. Or maybe he will see how the nickel and diming is ridiculous.
I don't know that your H is coming off well here. He doesn't want to support you financially (or at least, make things "even" in terms of actual income). He wants you to work 2 jobs plus go to school full time. Does he do some of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping?
I mean, if you like that sort of thing, fine, but I would have a hard time with a guy who could be described as a stubborn bull, and who wanted to keep "his" money separate like that. He sounds like a selfish jerk right now, to me.
He does maybe 10% of the cooking. As far as cleaning... never on his own. I always have to ask or he'll chip in if he sees I'm doing something. I do 100% of the grocery shopping. It is frustrating but I do try to set some limits. I do not pick up after him and I do not do his laundry or pack his lunch, etc.
And on top of all this he wants you to get another job? I was mistaken before. Your husband isn't acting like a roommate, he's acting like a slave owner. A roommate does half the chores. You definitely need to add a line item to your budget for either therapy or a divorce lawyer, maybe for both.
Post by HoneySpider on Jan 14, 2013 14:17:21 GMT -5
Budget aside, this situation seems very, very unfair to you.
I work FT, teach PT, commute 2 hours a day and am finishing my dissertation. And I'm having a high-risk pregnancy. There is NO WAY I could do that and do all of the chores around the house too. MH does almost all of the grocery shopping and the cooking, cuts the lawn, and shares with the inside chores as well. Marriage can't always be 50/50 - I'm sure he wishes I did more but it's just not possible right now. You deserve someone who works with you, not against you.
I don't know that your H is coming off well here. He doesn't want to support you financially (or at least, make things "even" in terms of actual income). He wants you to work 2 jobs plus go to school full time. Does he do some of the cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping?
I mean, if you like that sort of thing, fine, but I would have a hard time with a guy who could be described as a stubborn bull, and who wanted to keep "his" money separate like that. He sounds like a selfish jerk right now, to me.
He does maybe 10% of the cooking. As far as cleaning... never on his own. I always have to ask or he'll chip in if he sees I'm doing something. I do 100% of the grocery shopping. It is frustrating but I do try to set some limits. I do not pick up after him and I do not do his laundry or pack his lunch, etc.
You know, MH & I maintain separate finances, but what you're describing is utter bullshit that wouldn't fly in our household. You can have separate finances but still have a joint approach to bill paying and financial goals.
Thank you all for the input. I'm going to have to get a backbone and have a serious talk with H. This has been an ongoing, constantly evolving issue with my husband and I. We've been together for over six years but married for less than one. I need to lay the law down and he needs to step up and help me.
I appreciate the chance to get some of these thoughts out of my head, hopefully keeping myself sane at least for another day. Thank you so much!
Thank you all for the input. I'm going to have to get a backbone and have a serious talk with H. This has been an ongoing, constantly evolving issue with my husband and I. We've been together for over six years but married for less than one. I need to lay the law down and he needs to step up and help me.
I appreciate the chance to get some of these thoughts out of my head, hopefully keeping myself sane at least for another day. Thank you so much!
i think i can speak for everyone here and say that we are really rooting for you! you deserve so much better than this, whether it's your h getting his head on straight, or potentially looking to end the relationship. you don't, and shouldn't, have to live like this. nothing in this relationship seems remotely fair for you.
Post by phunluvin82 on Jan 14, 2013 14:47:55 GMT -5
GL talking to your H. As many PP pointed out, it is possible to have separate finances, and still have it be fair and doable. But the way you two currently have things set up is not fair to you.
Tell him that some changes to your financial arrangement need to be made. I agree with the PP that mentioned to show him this thread if you need to!
Post by heyrebekah on Jan 14, 2013 14:52:35 GMT -5
You're not an idiot, don't say that! It can be tough to transition to thinking as a team. But remind him that you ARE a team, and if you are really planning to spend your lives together he needs to act like it. There will be changes in fortune where now he makes more, then you make more, one of you could lose a job, etc... When you plan to be with someone forever you need to look at the big picture and long-term goals, not just the current situation. Good luck talking to him.
Oh and I forgot to mention... he works harder than me because I have a 40 hr/week desk job and he works 50 hrs physical labor.
And I'm co-signed on his truck.
I'm an idiot. Thanks!
You are not an idiot. And, I do think that it is reasonable to consider overall time worked when dividing up household chores. (For example, when DH had a slow time working just 20-30 hrs/week compared to my regular 50-60, he did nearly all of the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, etc.; at other times when he's been busier I've picked up the slack.) However, your time in school absolutely needs to be added to your 40 hrs/week, and if he thinks he deserves all of your caretaking around the house just because his job involves more physical labor then he's a jerk.
As for the money split, I agree with everyone else that the only possible way I'd consider putting up with that 50/50 is if it meant I was going to be rich in 2 years when I finished my degree and could do everything I wanted while leaving him impoverished. But of course the marriage wouldn't work out in that case, so why should it when the tables are turned?
Why don't you charge him for your housekeeping fees? About $160 per month sounds good. Also, your cooking and meal prep..that's another $150 per month depending on how good your cooking is. Also, if he eats more than you, I would tell him to pay 60-70% of the grocery bill instead of 50:50. You can use call this your part-time job and use the extra income to pay down your sls. Or maybe he will see how the nickel and diming is ridiculous.
I like this idea. Look at all of the household chores (inside and out) and divide 50/50 by time spent. If he doesn't want to do anything more than what he is currently doing (which I suspect is less than 50%), he can contribute towards your time maintaining the household.
I don't have this setup for my marriage and I wouldn't fault you if it was working for you and you were happy. But, it doesn't seem like it is working and I am guessing being stressed about money will not make you happy.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
You said that the marriage is new, but the serious dating is not. It seems like he never made the mental switch from the wall you should have up while dating to a joint effort of a married team. You'd been in that routine for so long, it can be hard to switch it the day rings are traded.
Probably need a sit down to really work through this together. No reason to protect yourself from the other now, joing long term goal/strategies and all that. You may benefit from a financial counselor to work through it (not just a planner, because there is more than just a dollars and cents issue here).
Now if that doesn't work, probably should start thinking about either your exit strategy or at least protecting yourself for when he leaves.
Why don't you charge him for your housekeeping fees? About $160 per month sounds good. Also, your cooking and meal prep..that's another $150 per month depending on how good your cooking is. Also, if he eats more than you, I would tell him to pay 60-70% of the grocery bill instead of 50:50. You can use call this your part-time job and use the extra income to pay down your sls. Or maybe he will see how the nickel and diming is ridiculous.
Thank you all for the input. I'm going to have to get a backbone and have a serious talk with H. This has been an ongoing, constantly evolving issue with my husband and I. We've been together for over six years but married for less than one. I need to lay the law down and he needs to step up and help me.
I appreciate the chance to get some of these thoughts out of my head, hopefully keeping myself sane at least for another day. Thank you so much!
Did you live together before you got married? If so, I could see the 50/50 split before you combined finances. However, that should have changed when you got married and started combining things.
How old are you? How long have you two been together? You say you and your husband were together from when you were in undergrad through now, so at least 2 years? And never once did finances come up?
Ditto whoever said you should announce you are moving out for financial reasons, lol. You need to have some serious conversations if you really want this relationship to work out. Good luck. :drink:
First you are not an idiot. I recently got married myself and we are in the process of merging our finances, it isn't an easy thing to do. We have a joint account and we each maintain seperate accounts as well. 50% of each of our salaries go into the joint account to pay for household items this includes all bills and joint savings. I make more than H and it wasn't fair to say that they should be split 50/50. An equal percentage of our take home pay made more sense than 50/50.
We each have 50% of our income to do with as we please whether that is paying off individual debt, savings, or spending it frivolously.
Thank you all for the input. I'm going to have to get a backbone and have a serious talk with H. This has been an ongoing, constantly evolving issue with my husband and I. We've been together for over six years but married for less than one. I need to lay the law down and he needs to step up and help me.
I appreciate the chance to get some of these thoughts out of my head, hopefully keeping myself sane at least for another day. Thank you so much!
One thing that might help is to not frame the issue as him helping you, but more like the two of you are in this together, and thus how should we work things.
DH and my finances are almost completely physically separate, but we still view all assets and debts as communal.
How old are you? How long have you two been together? You say you and your husband were together from when you were in undergrad through now, so at least 2 years? And never once did finances come up?
Ditto whoever said you should announce you are moving out for financial reasons, lol. You need to have some serious conversations if you really want this relationship to work out. Good luck.
I'm 24, he's 28. We've been together for over 6 years. Living together for over 4 years. Before we were married and had a house to take care of our situation seemed to work. Now we have higher bills and more things that need to be paid for so it's no longer working.
For some reason or another I don't think he trusts me with access to all of his money. I don't understand this because I've never done anything to betray his trust when it comes to finances. It's like he thinks I'm going to drain the bank account buying clothes and shoes. Sometimes I think he forgets that he was the one with the crap credit score who had delinquent loans.