Post by phunluvin82 on Jan 14, 2013 16:39:23 GMT -5
Getting on the same page financially once you get married is not always easy. H and I have really struggled with it, for different reasons, but it's been a struggle just the same.
I would sit down with your H and show him some hard numbers. Don't expect it to change overnight...but try to work on one issue at a time. #1 issue for me would be the way the bills are split. Give him and show him the reasons why the 50/50 situation is not fair to you and show him what it would look like to do a 60/40 or whatever scenario acurately reflects the income that you each bring in.
Also, point out to him that, while he may work more hours, you do the bulk of maintaining the household...so don't let him pull that crap that he works harder. That, I would nip right in the bud. I personally do almost all of the housework (though H does cook a fair amount) and the grocery shopping, pet care, etc...because my H works way more hours than I do. BUT, he absolutely DOES NOT get to tell me that I don't work as hard, or suggest that I get a part-time job. Oh hell no.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
The whole point of marriage is to support each other... whether that be financially, emotionally, etc. Your H is not supporting you at all. This isn't a partnership.
Split shared expenses by % of income Sell the car and buy a cheap used vehicle
Read Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach for help with discussions as to your values, goals and emotional relationship with money. He sounds like he is not ready for full financial partnership. Did your CC debt cause him some concern about joint finances?
My H and I have a general 50/50 split, but we also make almost exactly the same income. That's the only scenario in which it works out, honestly. As we've been married, it's becoming slowly more joint. Maybe you'll find that happens to you, but I would be very concerned if it doesn't.
It really sounds like your H doesn't think of you as a partner. He doesn't trust you with his money? He wants to make sure that you are solely responsible for your SLs, but jointly responsible for all house expenses?
I'm wondering if the age difference when you started dating (you were 17/18, he was in his early 20s) made him see you as immature and see himself as the authority figure.
What are his spending and saving habits? What are his financial goals other than screwing over his wife with an unfair financial burden? What was your credit card debt for? Are you both spendthrifts? Savers? A mix of both?
When you got married, you made a promise to each other FOR LIFE. I'm not naive enough to think that all marriages stay together (I'm divorced and remarried), but I'd have a big problem with my partner acting as if we were each completely separate financial entities who didn't need to help one another.
If your plan is to keep finances 50/50 and he doesn't want to "help" with your student loans, you should not be married. That may sound harsh, but being married means you have given up some options on your student loans like Income Based Repayment and will not benefit from your student loan tax deduction since it's going to go to buy a lawnmower instead of helping your very tight financial position.
I think you can keep separate finances and there are lots of good reasons for doing so, but you still need to have shared goals and a fair split of mutual expenses. When DW and I got engaged, I had $13k in CC debt and $57k in student loans and she had pretty reasonable assets. Our agreement was that we wouldn't co-mingle her assets (they are in her own account, I am beneficiary upon her death) so they will not be considered marital property, and that I would be responsible for paying off my CC debt. Fortunately, this was more important to me than to her and she's very supportive of us sharing financial responsibilities. I was able to finish paying off my CC debt a few months after we got married, and once I did that we merged more of our finances.
If he's not willing to help you with your student loans, will he fund a Roth IRA for you instead? You aren't able to save as much for retirement and emergencies as you could if expenses were shared more and that puts you in a vulnerable position. A Roth is a way he could help without worrying you'll spend the money on shoes.
I have a feeling there are probably some questionable spending habits going on in your marriage with you, him, or both that have led you to this point. If that's the case, take care of that ASAP. It sounds like you both own more car than either of you can afford, and have both had consumer debt in the past. You need to explore the reasons behind those issues together, and not just deal with financial issues by acting as if you are not married.
Are you sure he doesn't have a lot of credit card debt he's hiding from you? This whole situation is crazy! You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart about what you both want. What are his/your goals for the future?
Post by RoxMonster on Jan 14, 2013 19:25:32 GMT -5
Yeah it is an issue if he feels he can't trust you with money (HIS issue; you are not doing anything wrong). H and I don't personally like splitting finances; we think of all the money as "our" money and have one checking account, one shared savings, etc. But I respect couples who like to keep it split. Having said that, as you know now, the split is not fair, and beyond that, I don't think he respects you. He definitely doesn't consider your marriage a partnership.
I would sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he gets on board with you, I would also recommend Dave Ramsey (someone else mentioned him too) as well as possibly a financial advisor. If he is having trouble getting on board with you, in that case I would see a marriage counselor to try and work through his trust issues when it comes to money and you.
After 6 years, he should trust you with "his" money. When my now-husband and I moved in together (while dating), we did not merge finances. However, since I had a car payment and he made almost 3 times what I did, you'd better believe he paid more in terms of household expenses. If we only lived in a house where I could afford 50% of all bills, we'd be living in a studio right now.
At first, he paid our rent. I paid our utilities and cable/internet, as well as my own cell phone and car payment and car insurance. Eventually, as we got more comfortable, we moved things around, so we were each paying for things that made sense, given our incomes. Now that we are married, we have a joint checking and savings account, as well as individual accounts. At first, we put enough in (based on each of our incomes and other financial responsibilities) to cover all monthly bills. We still made debt payments and paid for gas, gifts, dinners and lunches out, etc with individual funds. We're now at the point where the vast majority of our income goes to joint, and we each have a little going into our individual accounts to spend as we wish. All "bills," including debt, come out of joint. But it's taken us a few years to get here. Which means you guys should be working towards a more equitable situation as well.
I like the 50/50 INCOME split that one poster mentioned. If you can put a certain percentage of your income in, that's great. If it's 50% and that will cover bills, wonderful. If it's 65%, do that. It's much, much more fair that paying 50% of BILLS.
Plenty of married people still keep separate finances, or somewhat separate finances. You need to figure out what works for you. However, given your griping in the OP, I don't think this is working for you.
Are you sure he doesn't have a lot of credit card debt he's hiding from you? This whole situation is crazy! You need to sit him down and have a heart to heart about what you both want. What are his/your goals for the future?
Why don't you charge him for your housekeeping fees? About $160 per month sounds good. Also, your cooking and meal prep..that's another $150 per month depending on how good your cooking is. Also, if he eats more than you, I would tell him to pay 60-70% of the grocery bill instead of 50:50. You can use call this your part-time job and use the extra income to pay down your sls. Or maybe he will see how the nickel and diming is ridiculous.
I think missy1 meant this tongue in cheek, but if you're absolutely set on sticking with this separate finances thing (which I could definitely not tolerate) - I do actually know a couple that did this suggestion and it worked for few years. They weren't married yet, but he made more and he "paid" her for her work around the house. They're engaged now and have ditched it in favor of joint finances.
Your budget looks okay but your husband sounds like a dick. When you have your MBA and you're making bank, he has no room to complain when things are still split 50/50.
Post by whitepicketfence on Jan 14, 2013 23:18:53 GMT -5
Do the two of you have any joint accounts? Given his credit history and his bizzare attitude toward the household finances, I'd be extremely concerned that he's racked up more debt and that his half of the finances are a mess.
It's time for a serious discussion with him. All account statements, bils, and credit reports need to be pulled. You two need a solid idea of all income that is coming into your home as well as where every penny is going each month. It's fine to have separate accounts but you need a joint game plan. If he is unwilling to have this discussion or to share this information with you, that is a serious red flag. At that point, I'd begin looking for a marriage counselor or possibly even a divorce attorney.
Post by phdprocrastinator on Jan 15, 2013 13:34:21 GMT -5
Did you do any premarital counseling? You might want to look into it now. I think what everyone is reacting to is that you're not a team. His attitude that you would spend all of his money on clothes is bizarre and betrays a certain level of misogyny if what you say is true and you don't spend much money on clothes, etc. (It looks like you don't have much to spend in that area).
Every couple has a different way of dealing with money that works for them. When you act as a team, both parties deal with making sacrifices they otherwise wouldn't but at the same time benefit in ways they otherwise wouldn't (e.g., when I get my PhD, we should be able to enjoy a level of income my husband wouldn't achieve on his own).
Here's an example from before we were married that might resonate with your situation:
My husband bought our house before we were married but after we were engaged. When we moved in together, I initially paid "rent" to him - since we had agreed not to merge finances until we were married. Then, we looked at our finances and my husband realized I'd never be able to pay off my CC debt while paying rent. Given that our JOINT goal was to reduce our debt, and my CC debt had the highest interest rate, we agreed that I'd take the money I was paying in "rent" and apply it to my CC debts so that the debt would be gone before we were married. In the end, this freed up a lot of money for the both of us to share.
Good luck dealing with your husband.
As far as your student loan debt, it's been a while since I've dealt with it, but could you consolidate it with a lower interest rate? 6.55-6.8% is really high. My highest interest rate on SL debt is 5.0%. Have you called the lender and talked about options?
Do you have any equity in your house? I know you've only owned for a year, but in our area the market has improved and our house was recently valued for $60000 more than it was last year. If that's the case, would it make sense to refinance your house and take the money to pay off your SL debt in one fell swoop? Obviously, your mortgage payment would be higher, but if the interest on your house is around 3%, you'll end up ahead in the long run. PLUS, your husband would pay 50%!