XP: Slap some sense into me, TIP!

[bullygirl979]

Is there such a thing as being too independent?

My STBXBF told me a few weeks ago that I am "difficult" to be in a relationship with because I am "too independent". I really didn't think there is such a thing.

I mean, I live my life like I have myself to depend on. I am willing to ask people for favors or help when I need it, but if I can do it myself, I try to.

Is this such a bad thing?

[broc]

Did he elaborate?

[bullygirl979]

He just said that he gets frustrated because I "dont NEED anyone". That I will try to do things on my own instead of always asking him. I mean, if I really can't do something, or if I really do need the help, I will ask. I am not afraid to. But why ask someone for help if I really can do it myself?

I want someone to add to my life, not hold it up. Part of me thinks that he is really co-dependent and gets frustrated because I don't NEED him like he wants me to.

[bowies]

My BFF is a very independent person and had this fight constantly with her XFI. It's not that she was too independent and he was too dependent, it's just that they didn't mesh well. It's OK, it happens. It also turned out that once she met a guy who was a better fit for her, she wasn't too concerned about asserting her independence anymore, AKA, she actually wanted to be with him.

May I ask why he's a STBXBF and not an XBF?

[flamingeaux]

May 30, 2012 19:28:00 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

He just said that he gets frustrated because I "dont NEED anyone". That I will try to do things on my own instead of always asking him. I mean, if I really can't do something, or if I really do need the help, I will ask. I am not afraid to. But why ask someone for help if I really can do it myself?

I want someone to add to my life, not hold it up. Part of me thinks that he is really co-dependent and gets frustrated because I don't NEED him like he wants me to.

yuck. Good thing he is your STBXBF.

[livinitup]

May 30, 2012 19:28:00 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

I want someone to add to my life, not hold it up. Part of me thinks that he is really co-dependent and gets f because I don't NEED him like he wants me to.

That's called a healthy relationship.

And yes, DH really loved that about me. Still does.

He's the wrong guy. It's him, not you.

[statlerwaldorf]

I agree with everyone else. Each person required a different level of independence. It sounds like you two are just not right for each other.

[bullygirl979]

May 30, 2012 19:43:09 GMT -5 bowies said:

May I ask why he's a STBXBF and not an XBF?

You may.

He lives with me which makes the splitting somewhat sticky. Plus, I have a feeling that things will get ugly when we do split so I want to have a good exit strategy in place.

[Deleted]

IMO no you cant be too independent. I have heard the same thing throughout my life, but i have no regrets. A lot of men have an issue with it, but all that means is that you arent with the right one,.

[broc]

Before you break up with him, you should buy like, a dozen jars of pickles and hand them to him to open one by one with a completely straight face.

[Deleted]

I like Broc's idea personally.

Sounds like you two have different ideas of how involved you need to be in every moment of each others' lives. Also, I hate this whole, "Men only feel like men when they're being protective/ strong.". If you want a damsel in distress there are plenty of women out there willing to play weak and helpless for you and fulfill your archaic sense of gender roles. Stop telling normal, healthy, independent women that they're too strong. Rawr.

[bullygirl979]

Broc, I love it!

And Feinicstine, I think you are right. His XW was a hot mess and the loved that he got to play the
"savior". He has said that it is hard to be with me because I don't need saving, lol

[gbck]

It's nice to be needed...
it's not nice to tell someone you expect the to PRETEND to need ou.

I mean, I'm capable of mowing the lawn. The Mr. is better at it. He mows the lawn, I'm grateful. ta-da!
I don't 'need' him to mow the lawn, I could figure out his fancy-schmancy-mower if I HAD to...but I prefer him to do it (It looks better). He doesn't ask me to pretend to need him.

I bake. The Mr. has figured out how to make cookies--he doesn't NEED me to make cookies. I make him cookies anyhow becuase I like to bake for him. He's grateful, I'm 'better' at it...he doesn't pretend he was flailing in cookie-less-helplessness.

[maucat]

Ugh, savior complex. IMO, that's an automatic red flag. No one is a good partner when they go in looking to save their partner.

[bullygirl979]

May 31, 2012 1:25:13 GMT -5 maucat said:

Ugh, savior complex. IMO, that's an automatic red flag. No one is a good partner when they go in looking to save their partner.

Yeah, well he claimed that he was "over" it and looking for someone to be his equal. Now that he has it, I am "too indepedent" for him. Looks like he isn't "over it" after all.

[ECB]

May 30, 2012 20:35:15 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

he got to play the
"savior".

AH, there you have it. Yeah - you aren't the person for him.

[Deleted]

I'm late to this thread, but I agree with others. I think it's healthy that you take care of yourself and ideally want a partner who adds to your life and not "holds you up."

[Muddled]

The very best relationships, IMO, are those that occur because you WANT that person in your life, not because you NEED them.

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't know that there's anything wrong with him. You're just not a good match.

[bullygirl979]

May 31, 2012 7:40:59 GMT -5 Muddled said:

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't know that there's anything wrong with him.

Thank you for saying that there is nothing wrong with me. There is A LOT wrong with him, hence why I am breaking up with him.

[Muddled]

May 31, 2012 7:49:24 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

May 31, 2012 7:40:59 GMT -5 Muddled said:

There's nothing wrong with you. I don't know that there's anything wrong with him.

Thank you for saying that there is nothing wrong with me. There is A LOT wrong with him, hence why I am breaking up with him.

I have no doubts.

In general, I believe that a man should value independence in a woman, but everyone is different. Anyway, wrong or not, you two are not a good fit and I'm glad you are moving on. Or will be soon.

[bullygirl979]

May 31, 2012 7:53:07 GMT -5 Muddled said:

May 31, 2012 7:49:24 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Thank you for saying that there is nothing wrong with me. There is A LOT wrong with him, hence why I am breaking up with him.

I have no doubts.

In general, I believe that a man should value independence in a woman, but everyone is different. Anyway, wrong or not, you two are not a good fit and I'm glad you are moving on. Or will be soon.

Thanks. It is just hard because I am feeling very cynical lately and really wondering if there are any "good" guys left in this world.

[Deleted]

Yes - there are plenty so don't give up.

[mortomo]

I am the same way as you. I lived by myself taking care of my son for so long that I just do what I need to do and don't rely on others. It's made me very independent. My FI has said multiple times that he finds that aspect of my personality attractive. He doesn't want someone that's needy or dependent. I lean on him for some things (as he does to me), but not because I'm needy...it's because he's better at those things than me. We've found a balance.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

[PEACHYS REVENGE]

YOU ARE AN IDIOT

[bullygirl979]

May 31, 2012 8:37:40 GMT -5 @PEACHYS REVENGE said:

YOU ARE AN IDIOT

AND YOU ARE A PANSY ASS