Boundaries w/ dh friends question

[southerngirl]

DH has a bff since way before we met. They used to work together and at one point dh lived with him. Well dh gets pissy every once and a while and gets mad at said friend. Friend has been known to lie, do what is convenient for friend only, and can just be all around selfish. 

Well..... about 2 months ago friend came in to where I work (he was there for another reason and stopped to talk to me) and mentioned that he just bought 2 cars at an auction and he got a ridiculously good deal on one of the trucks and asked if we were still in the market for a newer car for dh. I told him we are not actively looking but are looking to upgrade. DH called friend looked at truck and fell in love. We made it clear we wanted to buy the truck from him. Friend did not give a selling price at this point, he said he paid $6K but kbb says it's worth about $15K. He said he needed to wait 10 days for some warranty he bought on it to make sure nothing is wrong with truck and then he would tell us how much he wanted for it. Well one day about a week later he text dh and says "I put it on CL to see what I could get for it and I just sold it for $8K".

DH was livid. He said he never wants to talk to friend again. Well then he logged into friends auction acct (very good friends, he has usernames and passwords for everything b/c dh has used the service as well) and found out he only paid $2K at auction not $6K, aaaaaand he posted it on E-bay the same day he talked to me about it and listed it for $8K. So again, he feels lied to and it didn't even make sense as we wanted to buy the truck and were waiting on friend to give us the price.


DH has not talked to friend since at all. Not even to tell friend that he is upset with him. Friends girlfriend has sent me text about 6 different times trying to get together and I have been stalling b/c I feel it is not my place to basically tell her that dh is mad at him. I have asked Dh several times if he thinks he is gonna get over it and that's why he doesn't want to tell friend but he says he is done with friendship.

So, would you tell the girlfriend the details of what went down and let her know? I hate not being honest with people so I don't want to continue stalling with her like everything is ok. I can't make Dh call his friend either. WWYD?


 

[Deleted]

I understand why your DH is mad but not talking to the friend is pretty juvenile IMO. Either talk to him and work it out or cut your losses and move on but don't drag it out. If it was my friend I would just cut my losses and move on. I don't want dishonest people in my life and from what you've said this seems to be a reoccurring trend.

[southerngirl]

I completely agree that dh is acting juvenile. I am sick of being in the middle. Maybe a smack upside the head will work

[Deleted]

Is she an actual friend of yours (that you would continue a friendship with beyond hanging out with your DH and his BFF? If not, I'd just stop responding. If your DH decides to get in touch at some point, he can make that move. If you just stop responding to her texts, she'll get the hint.

I would not tell her the details. That's just going to create drama and as you know, it's not your place.

[southerngirl]

Jan 20, 2013 12:40:33 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Is she an actual friend of yours (that you would continue a friendship with beyond hanging out with your DH and his BFF? If not, I'd just stop responding. If your DH decides to get in touch at some point, he can make that move. If you just stop responding to her texts, she'll get the hint.

I would not tell her the details. That's just going to create drama and as you know, it's not your place.

She is not really a friend of mine. We have hung out once just ourselves. 

[Deleted]

DH's "friend" sounds pretty awful, I'd ignore the girlfriend and recommend DH cut this friend loose, after a discussion about why (versus the "silent treatment.") I have no time or space in my life for people that are useless like this "friend" seems to be.

[thedutchgirl]

Ok, that guy isn't a friend, and your H is right to cut him out.

I probably simply wouldn't respond to GF. If she gets insistent, just reply with "we aren't interested in getting together, thanks." Or something similar.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Why is your DH friends with this person in the first place? It's so weird to me that your DH went snooping, too.

Let your H handle it. Ignore the girl's texts.

[AAM2012]

You should be glad he sold the truck to someone else. If he lied about the price he purchased it for who knows if he would lie about the condition/prior history of this vehicle.

[southerngirl]

Jan 20, 2013 14:43:04 GMT -5 @songforyou said:

I would tell the GF. It's not as if your husband is trying to keep it a secret. I'd just say, sorry, but I'm not sure when we'll be able to get together, since I don't think H and BF are in the best place right now. I wouldn't provide any more details than that, even if asked, but I wouldn't let my husband's friendship issues cause me to treat someone poorly either (either by playing games or by ignoring her).

This is where I'm at. I feel like crap giving her the cold shoulder... She didn't do anything wrong. But I don't want drama or to start a fight with dh.

[southerngirl]

Jan 20, 2013 16:29:44 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Sounds like she's as much of a drama llama as he is. multiple texts/emails to you, when you two are at best very casual friends?
You don't owe her an explanation that will break open a confrontation between dh and the exbff.
"I'm sorry, we're busy! Thanks!" is enough.

You are good. She is drama which is why we are not good friends. The text were her trying to make plans for New Years, then asking about a wedding for friends brother which DH doesn't want to go to anymore, now trying to make plans for superbowl party. Our families try to get together b/c the kids play and of course the guys were such good friends. That's why it puts me in such a weird spot b/c DH never told friend (or ex friend I should say) that he was upset about what went down. He just didn't reply. So his GF doesn't know what is going on. 

[ECB]

I'm with SueSue on this. All of her responses.

[Deleted]

Cell phone? Just block her number. Easy peezy.

[southerngirl]

Ya'll are awesome, thanks so much for the perspective. 

[livinitup]

No, I would not explain. That would be very, very bad. But I would stop being a go-between, too. "Thanks for the invite, as you can see. I cc'ed your SO and my DH so I expect them to plan the get-together. If now, next time."

Rinse, repeat.

You are married to an adult. You need to treat him that way. Even if it's weird with a friend. Adult. Really.

[Deleted]

I'm with Sue Sue, but I don't even think I'd say I was busy since that's not true and implies maybe you'll be free sometime in the future. I think I would just respond with a simple "No thanks" to requests to get together. And if she asks why I'd either not respond or just say "I'm not comfortable discussing it."

They both know why you don't want to get together. I would be in a hurry to end this toxic relationship.

[ECB]

I'm going to add - I think your DH might need to do a little soul-searching as to why this guy is his "BFF". 

[moolarkey]

Like a couple others, I think she trying to use you to get information. She's contacting you on the premise of getting together but actually it's to get to your H and/or get info from you. Block her phone number and don't respond.

[IrishBelle]

I agree with the others about the girlfriend but don't you think its weird that your DH has his friend's passwords for "everything'? I hope the friend doesn't have all of DH's passwords.

[pitterwoo]

I don't like not responding to texts at all, it just doesn't sit well with me. I would probably use "now's not a good time"

[Deleted]

Stay out of it. If you don't want to ignore her, tell her that she or her boyfriend need to contact your DH if they want to set something up.

[southerngirl]

Jan 20, 2013 18:59:15 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm going to add - I think your DH might need to do a little soul-searching as to why this guy is his "BFF". 

I think he has which is why he is done with the relationship. They met in their late teens and are now 35. The guy hasn't always been a jerk. The guys were very close, DH looks at friends mom as his own and when friends brothers are in town we all get together. I think that is why he didn't end the relationship before, but this last crap he pulled was the final straw. 

[southerngirl]

Jan 20, 2013 20:27:31 GMT -5 IrishBelle said:

I agree with the others about the girlfriend but don't you think its weird that your DH has his friend's passwords for "everything'? I hope the friend doesn't have all of DH's passwords.

That's a good point. I'll check with DH. The reason DH had friends passwords is because friend is the one who uses the service and he lets DH check things so if we wanted to take advantage of any good deals friend would get it for us. DH doesn't have bank acct information on the guy. They are very trusting of each other, DH has a key to friends house and garage too so I don't think it's weird.