Being broke and not having any kids

[Deleted]

I'm throwing a pity party for myself lately.

Due to our own fault, we're really broke lately. We really need to buckle down and get caught up on paying a few bills and putting money into savings. In the last 6 months or so we've had several things happen that have contributed to having much less in the monthly budget than we did prior - all things considered, I think we're about $600-700 less take home per month than we were last summer. It hurts, a lot. It took us until now to really wake up and realize a change was needed, so now we've got a little debt to dig out of.

Not the end of the world, but I've been so down in the dumps the last few weeks. I'm trying to lose weight and I'm exercising more/eating less, so I'm sure that doesn't help. DH has also been working a weird shift so I've had a lot of time home by myself.

I'm finding myself angry/frustrated with the lack of things to do that don't cost money, and then I'm getting bitter because I feel like we have nothing going on in our lives. We don't have kids and I'm not completely sure that I even want them - but lately I've been wishing that I had a family to spend time with on the evenings/weekends instead of spending them with TV/the internet. I feel like the reward for being childless should be that we have more flexibility to do other fun things with our lives, hang out with friends, not be tied down, etc. But I feel very tied down by the lack of money/free things to do in the winter/friends or family that live nearby. And then even getting together with friends often means spending money we don't really have right now. Even hosting a super bowl party in 2 weeks is stressing me out a little because we'll have to buy extra stuff and I worry we're getting to an age where it isn't appropriate to ask people to bring both a dish to pass and their own beverages. 

Anyone else in the same boat? What do you do to make your life feel more interesting/worthwhile?

Note: I don't mean to imply that life is only worthwhile if you have money or kids or both - but I feel like I'm not doing ANYTHING great with my life right now and it's really getting me down. I need something to focus on that makes me feel like I'm not wasting away my life/time.

Also things haven't been going great at work lately and I'm sure that's not helping either. I feel like I can do career OR kids but what if I end up with neither? So i may be being overdramatic as a combination of all these things.

[mrsfarmer]

We went through this a couple of years ago for about 10 months or so. It does get better. Just remember to celebrate small successes. As we paid something off, we celebrated even at home.

[rubytue]

There are times in life where there won't be anything exciting or meaningful going on. Its just part of the cycle, and I think its just something you have to accept. Instead, you find small things to do. Like the PP said, celebrate little things. Or do small things - take the dogs to the dog park, for example. Learn the fun in winter hiking (there is no bad weather, only the wrong gear). Those are the things I do when I get in a funk. I think we have all be there at one point or another. (hug)

[Deleted]

buckybells...I have been there, I have been there...oh how I've been there!

When we first bought our house, we were VERY strapped for about two years. I often felt exactly like you did - we are DINKS, we were making "good" money but we had debts that we needed to get out of, a mortgage payment that was really more than we could afford, and particularly in the winter (when you can't really get outdoors to do fun stuff), I'd often sit inside and be pretty miserable.

Here's what I did:
- Started reading more and started reading more challenging books, participating in book clubs via my library
- Volunteered my time at a local charity that I was always "involved" with but did much more for them - basically consulting for them pro-bono on some big projects that they were working on
- Spent a lot of time planning finances - this sounds silly, but when we had debts - I built all these little graphs and trackers to keep check on how we were paying off each, how much money we were saving by paying off early, etc.

I wish I had a more magic answer - but really I just focused on trying to find other things to shift my energy towards, and also spend a lot of time planning for when I didn't feel so strapped.

One tactical note: I am a pretty crappy cook, but even I hate to show up to a super bowl party or any other party empty handed. Your guests would NOT be offended if you asked them to bring things - even a quick note to each, like, "Hey friend, I can't wait to see you at the party next week! I'm wondering if you could bring two bags of chips to the party next week to pass around? We're going to do a potluck style, it should be fun. See you soon."

[Deleted]

Also...you can always make yourself feel a little better (at least I do) by imagining how much poorer you'd feel if you did have kids

College alone...yikes!!!

[fences]

Although our money situation is a bit more flexible, I'm also on the fence about having kids and feel like I'm "wasting" my life on tv and internet even though we do spend time doing other fun things.

And, I'm also worried that I won't end up with either kids or a great career even though I like my job, it's not a high powered career or anything.

So, just wanted to chime in and say that money may not be driving your feelings as much as you think.

Sent from my DROIDX using proboards

[Kore]

Volunteering with an animal rescue has been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. It can be a free way to meet new people & do something you feel really good about. I'm not saying an animal rescue, specifically, but are there any organizations you might be interested in helping?

I think that whether you have kids or not, there will always be boring slumps in life. Try to remind yourself that it isn't permanent. I hope things start looking up for you soon.

[ohbirdie]

I think I could have written your same posts. We are DINKS who make decent money and have WAY too much debt. It completely depresses me. We have no savings and want to move in the next two years, but have no money saved for a down payment. It is very depressing. I am also losing weight. I have found a work out buddy (because DH refuses to workout) and find myself very focused on these goals.

However, I am still totally bored with life and struggle to find things to do that are also within the budget. I started volunteering at my church and that has been good. However, my friends suck. They are either married with kids and are all consumed with their kids or else they are duds who are single and refuse to go out and do anything.

We have dubbed this year, "the year of the dollar". We are very focused on our money and I keep telling myself that it is only going to be short term. I need to sacrifice now to make up for dumb choices in the past.

Keep your head up. You are not alone.

[doobeedoo]

First of all, hugs. You are entitled to being in a funk every so often, it is part of being human, IMO.

Second of all, my last major slump happened after I had kids. I felt as though our lives had become infinitely less interesting and I spent way too much time at home covered in spit up, watching tv in my yoga pants, etc. So, naturally I wasn't feeling too awesome about my life. But I had to make a much more concerted effort to go out and do things that were not "routine" for a while and that helped tremendously. It passed after a while thank goodness.
I guess my point is that slumps happen, children or no children, so don't feel like you're being shortchanged by not having kids.

[rebekistan]

{{hugs}} We were there a few years ago and I see where you're coming from. It can sound kind of corny, but I think you need a hobby!

IDK if you like the outdoors, but we discovered some great hiking paths and had a lot of fun getting out for a few hours together. At one point, we were trail running and it was a lot of fun to do together. Once the snow fell, we bought snowshoes and backcountry cross-country skis (used ones from rental shops, or last years' models on deep discount) -- and we snowshoed and skied those trails. It was really worth the small $$ output involved, because it's still paying off for cheap entertainment. I think I paid $25 for my used snowshoes, $100 for MH's new ones on sale for Christmas; $150 for all my new (last years' model) XC ski equipment, and MH paid $100 for all of his used equipment. We bought them in two different years -- we started with the snowshoes, then moved on to XC skis.

I also tried to figure out some fun, inexpensive hobbies -- and got into cooking more. It's especially tied in to weight loss: learning low-fat ways to flavor food. I also learned how to bake whole grain breads, also tied in to having a healthier lifestyle. I bought some Cook's Illustrated books and a subscription, and a good whole grain bread book -- probably $125 total, but spread out over time as I wanted different resources.

Two years ago, I picked up "extreme" couponing. If you're on the MM board, you might like it -- there is a lot of strategy and number-crunching involved. Finding deals can be exciting, and it is definitely low cost although you make some mistakes in the beginning that might cost you a few $$. I learned how to do it by reading the "how to" posts on www.hotcouponworld.com. I've never paid a dime in learning how to coupon, there are so many resources out there.

[Deleted]

snarkshark's recommendations are really good - there is something about organizing and getting the house in order that is so relaxing.

I used freecycle and Goodwill primarily, and felt extra warm and fuzzy when I got to give something to someone who greatly appreciated it. Bonus was a super de-cluttered house.

[rebekistan]

Jan 20, 2013 13:38:44 GMT -5 ohbirdie said:

I think I could have written your same posts. We are DINKS who make decent money and have WAY too much debt. It completely depresses me. We have no savings and want to move in the next two years, but have no money saved for a down payment. It is very depressing. I am also losing weight. I have found a work out buddy (because DH refuses to workout) and find myself very focused on these goals.

However, I am still totally bored with life and struggle to find things to do that are also within the budget. I started volunteering at my church and that has been good. However, my friends suck. They are either married with kids and are all consumed with their kids or else they are duds who are single and refuse to go out and do anything.

We have dubbed this year, "the year of the dollar". We are very focused on our money and I keep telling myself that it is only going to be short term. I need to sacrifice now to make up for dumb choices in the past.

Keep your head up. You are not alone.

If you want to connect with your friends with kids, you could offer to go over their house and hang out after the kids are in bed. Get some take-out and have an adults' dinner and conversation. I love it when my kid-less friends do this. It's so nice to not have to find a babysitter and save a few $$ by not going out to dinner. One couple even comes over for our family dinner (they bring part of dinner) and we have a great time. I am so grateful that they enjoy spending time with our toddler, and that they're flexible enough to go with the flow and come over here. 

[Deleted]

Thanks for the replies so far, guys

I definitely need to find somewhere else to volunteer. I do BB/BS but I'm just not into it (and honestly never loved it anyway) and the other stuff I've done in the past hasn't clicked. I know there has to be something out there I would both feel passionate about AND have fun doing, but haven't found the right thing yet. I should focus more on finding it.

I think it's probably true that "money" isn't the biggest issue, though it's making things more difficult for sure. I am really frustrated with my career - I'm almost 5 years out of grad school and feel like I've hardly made any steps forward - and I guess I just need to figure out what is going to be the long term direction in my life - figuring out my career and making something happen? Having kids? Being closer to family? Something else? I don't know but I worry that I'm doing nothing to figure it out and make it happen.

I'm not "glad" others feel/have felt this way but I'm thankful I'm not alone in it.

[imojoebunny]

If it helps, we have kids, enough money to throw a party for today's game, people are still bringing stuff because they ask to, including a keg of Sierra Nevada.  We only invited people without kids for the most part because DH cannot take heards of kids.  In general, I don't give a rats ass if people have money or not, as long as they are interesting and nice. By interesting, I mean they like to do what they like to do, not that they traveled recently to Bolivia.  Be yourself, live within your means, and the people you want to be friends with will follow.  

[rebekistan]

Ditto the organizers! Especially if you're interested in saving / making money. I recently went through all of our books with Bookscouter, an app that scans your book's barcode and tells you how much different online bookbuyers will pay you for it. Out of our 100+ books, I could only sell back about 10, but we made $35 or so -- and I didn't feel bad donating them to the library. You could also clean out and set items aside for a yard sale in the spring. Tag them and box them up now so you're ready to go when it's yard sale season. And if there's something of value, put it on ebay before the yard sale so you can get rid of it sooner and get more $$ for it.

[Deleted]

Personally, I like potluck events, they can be really fun. Potluck for the Superbowl sounds great. One of our favorite holiday parties is thrown by a friend of our where the guests bring apps or deserts and the hosts provide the main meal. Everyone has a great time and there's always an awesome assortment of really good food.

On the tightening of the budget, check out what's going on the in community, give something new a try. Our local paper always has a list of community events from dance classes to film screenings, many of which are free. Do you live near a university? Sometimes there are lectures or other events on campus for no or low cost that are open to the public. Don't be afraid to get a little creative.

[rebekistan]

Jan 20, 2013 13:52:15 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Thanks for the replies so far, guys

I definitely need to find somewhere else to volunteer. I do BB/BS but I'm just not into it (and honestly never loved it anyway) and the other stuff I've done in the past hasn't clicked. I know there has to be something out there I would both feel passionate about AND have fun doing, but haven't found the right thing yet. I should focus more on finding it.

I think it's probably true that "money" isn't the biggest issue, though it's making things more difficult for sure. I am really frustrated with my career - I'm almost 5 years out of grad school and feel like I've hardly made any steps forward - and I guess I just need to figure out what is going to be the long term direction in my life - figuring out my career and making something happen? Having kids? Being closer to family? Something else? I don't know but I worry that I'm doing nothing to figure it out and make it happen.

I'm not "glad" others feel/have felt this way but I'm thankful I'm not alone in it.

You're not doing nothing -- you're obviously thinking about it right now, which is a step in that direction. I'm a big believer in doing what you love and the rest will fall into place. During that time in our lives when we didn't live near friends or family and didn't have a child, MH spent a lot of his time learning how to code software. He just liked doing it, and after years of practice (just because he wanted to do it), he decided not to be a lawyer anymore and got a FT job in web development. He is so much happier now. I'm not saying that you need to find a new career, but you never know where pursuing your interests might lead you -- and now is definitely the time to do it if you don't have kids and think you might want them! 

[Deleted]

I have been there and kind of still am still there. I read a lot, cook, hang out on here too much. Luckily this time of year I work basketball games, which I enjoy a lot and it brings in a bit of extra income. I actually spent 6 hrs doing that yesterday. I struggle with missing my sister a lot.

Sent from my DROID3 using proboards

[Deleted]

Before I had kids, I had something going on 4 weeknights a week. A (cheap, community association) yoga class, a bible study potluck group that met at our house, a part time job one night a week, and a volunteer gig (practising English with a refugee). I did have boring periods, and I still do, but keeping busy helped a lot and didn't cost much. For our weekly potlucks, I generally made crockpot soup and other people brought salad, bread, and dessert.

Volunteering is really satisfying once you find the right venue, and if you hunt around, you can find great deals on random interesting classes. And the library is great - some even carry zoo and museum passes.

[Deleted]

It's still perfectly fine in my circle to have potluck. Our friends are hosting Super Bowl bc they have the biggest house but everyone is bringing a dish and their own drinks. I think it's more fun that way for something like Super Bowl anyway.

[cricketwife]

I have so been where you are and kind of still am...though we finally decided that we think we want kids and are going to TTC later this year.  Whatever you decide will be right for you.

To the money issue -  I'm a HUGE proponent of the envelope system when you're trying to take control of spending/pay down debt.  HUGE. It's a PITA especially when you first start, cashiers will look at you like they've never seen a dollar bill before, people behind you in line will think you're taking too long getting your money out/putting it away, but YOU will be in control of what you spend.  You may want to consider that.  Also, keeping track and celebrating your little successes along the way will help you stay focused.

to the superbowl potluck -- I don't think anyone will mind that.

YES, to ogranizing as suggested by PPs.  It fits so perfectly with your weightloss, debt payoff theme.  I really believe these things all sort of flow together.  I think I got about $100 for used books froms powells.com and bn.com (for some old "textbooks")  Hint - it you have any classic literature, they count as textbooks and you may get some money for them.  We're not talking a lot but it does add up and help you free up space at the same time.  Furthermore, it's  project to type in all those ISBNs to see which ones they will accept so that will give you something to do

for free/cheap stuff to do -- thedatingdivas.com  is a great website for free/cheap "dates"  It is geared to date nights with your husband but I found that it gave me ideas of free things in general that don't necessary have to be dates with your DH.  Another idea - I have a couple of girlfriends and we do a "porch of the month" club where we literally just sit outside and drink (cheap!) wine on the porch about once a month. So cheap and such great time together.  In the winter, we bring it inside by the fire...or of they don't have a fire, we don't care.  We basically know that none of us wants to spend a ton of money and we just want to be together so it works for us. 
Last night DH and I did exact what one PP suggested - we had dinner at our friend's house while the kids watched a movie upstairs and then went to bed.  We hung out downstairs.   We brought dessert and a bottle of wine ($15 total - cheap wine is ok in my circle of friends lol) and they made the main meal. 

I know that this is crazy long.  I hope something in here is helpful. Finally, remember that the holidays are over, the weather has been really bleak (around here anyway) and a lot of people have the doldrums  -- it's just that time of year.  It will get better!

[Deleted]

I love potlucks--making party food is awesome, and it is great when the host will share the fun.



We typically will tell friends we are providing the main dish (chili, taco bar, subs, etc.) and drinks, but invite them to bring a snack to share. (I'll still make a few apps and desserts, but I love the extra variety).

[scout8]

We are living CF after IF kicker our asses. I have definitely struggled with some of these feelings. What has helped me the most is to stay busy. I think there are lots of free cheap things to do, many of which have already been mentioned. I think it is easy to get stuck in a rut, especially during the winter. DH and I try to put together a list of fun things we want to do every few months. Then, we work our way through the list. It helps to get us out doing things.

A few free/cheap ideas:
--volunteering, keep trying different things until something clicks for you
--hiking
--walking tours (we have a book with a bunch of walking tours in our city)
--free concerts, free nights at museums, etc.
--church (I have started doing a lot with my church. I am agnostic, but I started going to a Unitarian church and I fit right in there).

We have lots of CF friends, but we still see our friends with kids a lot too. As another poster said, we usually head over around the time the kids go to bed and then have dinner.

I also agree with the poster who said that exercise will probably help you feel better too.

Good luck. I think it is so easy to get in a funk this time of year.

[pantsparty]

I am LOLing a bit here because lately I've been aware how much free time I have. H and I don't plan on having kids. I was thinking this weekend, "Is this why people have kids? To fill their time?"

I get being frustrated regarding money. H and I have some big savings goals this year, which means we're cutting back on eating out and travel. So sometimes a weekend can feel very boring if you don't get out, get dinner, go to the movies, etc.

What type of personal and joint goals do you have? This year I am considering going back to school, investing more time and money into my part-time shindig, picking up a skill, and volunteering. For me, it is easy to start to feel complacent and depressed if I don't have something other than work going on.

I agree with using Groupon to try to find activities at a lower cost. I also use Goldstar to find lower-priced event tickets.

[Deleted]

Is there any kind of fitness activity that you would like to peruse? I joined a running group (really, just a Facebook page organized through a local bike shop). I've met a lot of great friends , and it's a fun, free activity.



I also turned a hobby into a side business. It is something I enjoy, and I like that it feels more purposeful. Is there anything you could peruse along those lines--decorating cookies, making greeting cards, sewing, etc?



If I remember correctly, you like scrapbooking, yes? My cousin found a group in her town that meets up.



Meetup.com has a lot of great groups in my area--the hiking group is great. I also go to the professional women's mixer.

[Doggy Mommy]

We don't have kids, and things have been tight around here for a while. We're doing ok, pay the bills, make it work, and can still go out to eat and to the occasional movie, but for the most part we stay home. We've done a few things to have extra "fun" money.... I started tutoring, so I have some cash to use how I want. DH sells stuff on eBay (like he'll find rare CDs at Goodwill for $2 sell it for more). Having that extra money is awesome. Some cheap things we like to do are go downtown on weekends to grab a bagel and walk around or get ice cream in the summer, go to different parks with our dog, I go to book club once a month, invite friends over to watch movies and have snacks, go to the library, drive to different parts of town just to check it out and walk around, stuff like that. It isn't a Caribbean vacation, but we have fun.

The good thing is that we have learned so much about living within our means. We aren't perfect, but we're doing better now than when we made a lot more money. We sold one car, paid off the other, paid off debt, refinanced, lowered our bills etc. We are really hoping that DH's income will improve sometime this year, and we are so much more motivated now to keep living within our means and save for our goals.

[smiley]

DH and I are in the same position as you. We are child-free and are working on paying off our debts. We have little in savings and we live paycheck to paycheck right now. We have a good income but made some bad choices a few years ago that we are still paying for.

I agree with everyone else to find something that you are passionate about and volunteer. DH and I recently started going to church on Sunday mornings and I feel so much better about myself during the week. The sermons have really been hitting home with me lately and make me want to be better. I know it's only an hour out of my week but I find myself being a little nicer to certain people and doing things with more passion.

Get involved, pick up a hobby... I found this website (The World Needs More Love Letters) and love their mission. I plan to start participating in their monthly letters and writing some to leave around our tri-county area.

Also, a pot luck is 100% okay. Give your friends a heads up now. Tell them you will provide a major dish like pulled pork and ask them to bring their favorite sides or other appetizers. If each couple brings 1-2 dishes you'll have plenty of food and a variety for everyone. I think a pot luck is a great idea and we tend to do something like this for every family get together.

[krystee]

I am in the same boat. It's especially bad now because H doesn't get home until 8 p.m., so I am stuck home with the dogs, since they've been home alone and crated all day.

My boredom is one of the main reasons we've decided to move and to have kids. I want busy nights and weekends, with lots of people and family around. I want to do something besides TV and internet at night. (I'm sure once we have one, I'll be missing the nights of TV and Internet, but I'm willing to cut back a lot!). In the meantime, I am working on a bunch of other goals:
1. Working out at least twice a week (this isn't a lot, but it's more than I was doing)
2. Started a book club with two of my friends. To get it moving, we just picked a day and said we'd talk about all the various books we read that month. Now that we've had more time to get organized, we'll pick the same book and read it. It was really fun! You can do it at someone's house (someone brings wine, someone brings apps or a dessert), and it's free.
3. Working on my blog (this has slipped in the last few weeks)
4. Organizing. H and I just went through our office and got rid of three garbage bags' worth of crap. I feel amazing.


Also, we are trying to be more intentional with money. We do not have the money to go out as much as we used to because we're focusing on other goals, including some debt payoff and saving up to move. So we do some advance planning and pick places we've really been wanting to go, so when we do have a date, we're excited and it's worth the expense.

Since you want to move ahead in your career and you haven't found the right volunteering fit, maybe you could instead join the association for your field and get active in your local chapter. You could volunteer with them, and it would be something that builds your resume amd opens doors to new opportunities.

Good luck! I know it is very disheartening. And the weather does not help at all.

[keweenawlove]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Winter always seems to get to bed too as far as cheap things to do so we end up spending way too much time watching TV. I'm always up for a girls night though

I agree with what everyone's said on potlucks. I know I'm a little younger than you but that's still the norm for my circle. I tend to host because not many of my friends have places big enough to have a bigger group over. Our last one, I just made a big pot of chili and everyone else brought something else. Sometimes we'll even do group dinners where everyone brings a different ingredient and we cook together.

[marylou]

I've definitely been feeling the same way ever since we moved here! I got a second part-time job to not only help bring in more money, but to give me something "social" to do that doesn't cost money. I got burnt out around the holidays and had to quit (and then lost my full time gig, but that's irrelevant here!) but for a while it helped with feeling so helpless.

I've also been trying to work out more. There are some great workout videos on YouTube, and the weather has been nice enough to go running.