Update...Long

[simplyinpenguin]

So when H came home on Friday, I immediately went after him about the text he had sent me (not in an attack way, more like "so can you explain the text you sent me this afternoon?"). Of course it blows up into a huge fight. I'm telling him what's griping me about the text and he's yelling back at me, demanding more examples. I immediately pulled up all my locked texts from him that accused me of cheating on one guy or another. He gets even more pissy because I'm "just trying to find an excuse to make him look bad". Then he started yelling some more and then finally asked "Oh do you want to leave me? Is that it?" "Yep." That shut him up soooo fast. He was definitely not expecting that.

I went on to tell him how we just keep going in this cycle where we blow up, we agree to make changes, and then he goes back to the same ol' b.s. that gets me resentful all over again and I was just tired. I told him, "Even now, you're making the promises to change and I know for a fact that it won't last. I don't love you anymore, I am not sexually attracted to you anymore. I'm done."

Yet here I am, 3 days later, in my home because I can't find a place to stay. And sure enough, my fears are coming true. He thinks everything is fine again. He keeps talking about how we're going to do this and that and then do this and I'm like "whoa, time out. I can't even be sure there's an us at that point."

So the agreement is that we're going to try marriage counseling. However, I want to be separated while we go just because I want NEED to get away from him, just so I know I'm making the right decision.

But I need to get out now because the bombshell is still floating in the shared space, he's now actively trying TOO hard to win me back, but yet he thinks I'm just going to remain with him. No, I need a separation. Especially to decide if I want to put up with 20 more years of being accused of cheating while I still have my looks...

[Deleted]

Why can't he be the one to leave? Doesn't sound like counseling is going to do anything but good luck anyway.

[dfl]

Are you afraid of him at all? I'm nervous that once he realizes it's over he'll go off the deep end and try something to hurt you or him or both of you....

[simplyinpenguin]

I'm trying to find a cheap alternative living place first. One that will take one maybe two cats. I have a temp place to stay, only 2 weeks at most, but it can't be right now.

I just want to go just to see what it's like and just lay it all out with a 3rd party.

He shouldn't be the one to leave. After all, I am the one who wants to leave him. Plus my name isn't on the house one iota so obviously, we know whose home it really it.

[simplyinpenguin]

No luck yet with the job search, but after February 23rd, I will have a lot more opportunities to either get a 2nd job or be able to leave that place for good.

nicbreeful, we've been sleeping in separate rooms forever so it's just another familiarity to him.

I think he realized that I wanted to leave, that I was just too tired to put up with him anymore, that's when the lightbulb clicked in his head that he can't coast anymore. Unfortunately it's too late in my book.

[simplyinpenguin]

As is I can't get a watressing job until after the 23rd. It's when I'm going to get my food handler's card, something required by recent law, so therefore I can't get hired as a waitress until I get the card. Hence the 23rd of February. It's the only available class to me thus far.

[Jalapeñomel]

Do you not have any friends that would be willing to let you sleep on their couch?

Good luck.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry simply. I agree that it sounds like you are done and that counseling may not be worth it. I hope you can find a place to stay, sooner rather than later.
Also, and this isn't as important right at this moment, but is there a reason the house is only in his name?

[simplyinpenguin]

I don't have many friends that can spare couches at the moment. I do have a friend who will let me stay with him for about 2 weeks but nothing more but it can't be right now. Maybe in a week or 2...guh...but I need to find something before that.

[flamingeaux]

Do you have any friends that could take your cats for a while? and you could stay at a motel/women's shelter? Or maybe see if your vet might be willing to board them on the cheap due to extenuating circumstances?

[Deleted]

Have you talked to a lawyer? Just because you said you want out doesn't mean you should leave.

[simplyinpenguin]

I haven't talked to a lawyer yet. I just want to get the seperation process going. I do have money for a hotel, but I can only stay there for at most 3 days before the excess money runs out. I've been hoarding my money very slowly, but it's going to be a long climb (hence why I believe that after the 23rd, my opportunities will increase).

Since the talk on Friday, we've been living together still but the whole dynamic has changed. We haven't touched or said much to each other. I've been camping out in another room while H remains in the living room and watches tv. I'm more peeved by his attitude of "everything's fine" when he can obviously see on me that everything isn't.

[imoan]

You need counseling... but you need individual counseling.  With his anger management issues and verbal abuse, you should not be attending marital counseling in a relationship with active abuse.

[thisisnicole]

Just FYI, in my state, filing for a legal separation and a divorce cost the same. If you file for legal separation and then divorce, you pay the $435 (for my state) fee twice.

Just a thought...