Concerned. Help?

[Deleted]

My H has back pain that he is seeing a doctor for.  This doctor has said that there really isn't an option to help him with pain other than pain pills and possibly an epidural type injection.  Because of his age, they do not recommend surgery.

He came to me two weeks ago and handed me a full bottle of pain pills that he had just filled.  Said he'd been taking too many (10 or so a day, script says 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours as needed) and that he needed me to hold him accountable.  He spent that next weekend having two solid days of withdrawals as he did not take any pills.  Monday, he asked me to ration them out to him.  So I did.  He hasn't asked me for many, just normal amounts here and there.

Cut to today and I find 10-15 pills shoved in his wallet.  I put a note in his wallet occasionally to remind him to grab his lunch, which is why I found them.  I asked him why he had so many and he blew up at me.  Said he'd weaned himself off of taking so many, I wasn't his mother...cussed several times in the conversation and accused me of trying to have "power" over him and make him out to be the bad guy/a piece of shit.  He stormed off and I am sleeping in our guest room, typing this out.  I remained calm during our entire conversation and he could not calm down, even when I asked him to lower his voice and just talk to me normally for a second.

What the hell do I do now?  To make things more interesting, I am 39 weeks pregnant.

[EmilieMadison]

So, he admitted that he's abusing Rx drugs, but his solution was to have you hold him accountable. And then when you tried to, he lost his shit?
I think he probably needs go to rehab. He's an addict. With a new baby coming any day, you dont need him to be high/going through withdrawals. I would look into local resources for rehab and then give him his options: get help or GTFO.

[auggie]

What's the diagnosis for the back pain? How old is he? Has he tried physical therapy?

Would he be up for visiting a pain clinic? I would try to convince him to make an emergency appt with his MD and see if you could come along and discuss his difficulty controlling the pain and managing the meds. I'm sorry- sounds so stressful. Take care of yourself and the babe!

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I could've written this post 4 years ago. I'm so sorry.

The stress of a new baby will send any burgeoning addiction out of control. He needs help you cannot give him. And if he doesn't get out and get it now, you're going to be worried about his ability to care for the baby if you're out or sleeping. Or the baby accidentally swallowing one he misplaced. Trust me, it's so much worse when the baby is here.

He needs to get checked in somewhere immediately. With supervised medical withdrawal and a pain management plan he can live with. You will need help too. Find friends and family who can give you a hand. And I'm going to go ahead and suggest Al-Anon for you. It will help.

PM me if you need to, please. Hugs. This is so hard. You will get through it. If I can survive it, anyone can, I promise.

[mudslide]

I'm sorry that you are in this position. I don't have much advice for you. I feel like his dr needs to know and possibly get some sort of counseling or rehab type thing.

Do you have family or friends nearby? With the baby coming anytime you will need help. I know you can do this.

[Deleted]

Yes, he admitted he was taking too many and lost it when I did what he asked. I know him (we've been together for 12 years, married for 8) and he will not do rehab. He would probably agree to counseling if he believed there were a problem...which he doesn't.

He has two degenerative disks, pretty serious arthritis and muscle tearing. He's 30.

He's never had an issue like this in the past, which is why he's in denial I'm sure. I told him that just because he thinks he isn't having problems with it doesn't mean he couldn't possibly ever have an addiction issue. He said the pills in his wallet were to last him the rest of the week.

[Deleted]

Thank you for all of the supportive comments. I'm freaking out. This is shitty timing.

[Deleted]

My parents are total meddlers with no boundaries. They mean well but they'll never let it go if they know what's going on. Seriously...it would take forever for them to get over this even if H took all of the right steps. I have no desire to involve them.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry. PPs have made some good recommendations. Please find some support for you, friends, family, neighbors, etc.

[Jalapeñomel]

Is he in PT? How often does he go? Does the physical therapist know about his RX issues?

Good luck...this is a vicious cycle, and I hope that your DH can find the help he needs and some pain relief.

[soveryexcited]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through- at 39 weeks pregnant you should be focusing on yourself, not your husband. Has he had addiction problems before with something else? I definitely agree that he needs to go through rehab. So sorry.

[Deleted]

He has done PT in the past but the doctor didn't recommend it now that he has an actual diagnosis after the MRI. He did recommend that he lose some weight/get in shape and build the muscles/strength on the sides of his spine, so he has been going to the gym religiously and working with a personal trainer.

[sonrisa]

Help him find other options to manage the pain. Acupuncture can do wonders to help back pain.

[Deleted]

Good idea sonrisa. I'll suggest alternatives to him. He's a wonderful husband and is so excited about the baby. I hate that we now have this distraction. Things were pretty damn close to perfect until he dropped this one on me.

[sugarbear]

Jan 22, 2013 0:16:47 GMT -5 @cindylouwho said:

He has two degenerative disks, pretty serious arthritis and muscle tearing. He's 30.

I am 36, and have all of these issues. I finally had surgery and it has been absolutely the best decision. Once you get the other stuff figured out, tell him to see another doctor.
ETA: I managed the pain for about 5 years with acupuncture, PT, and epidural injections. These do work, and the combo was magical for me, until it was clear that this would be a chronic condition.

In the meantime, I don't have any advice. I'm really sorry. Sounds like something needs to happen quickly, though. How would he react to an ultimatum?

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2013 0:32:50 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

Jan 22, 2013 0:16:47 GMT -5 @cindylouwho said:

He has two degenerative disks, pretty serious arthritis and muscle tearing. He's 30.

I am 36, and have all of these issues. I finally had surgery and it has been absolutely the best decision. Once you get the other stuff figured out, tell him to see another doctor.

In the meantime, I don't have any advice. I'm really sorry. Sounds like something needs to happen quickly, though. How would he react to an ultimatum?

He doesn't respond well to threats.  I hate to back him in a corner, but will of I need to.  With his line of work, I don't know if surgery is a good option as he has a very physically demanding job that he loves.  I will definitely ask him to get a second opinion from another doctor.  It won't hurt anything, that's for sure.  I'm glad you found a solution to your back pain! Maybe there's some hope for his.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2013 0:38:55 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Jan 22, 2013 0:36:13 GMT -5 @cindylouwho said:

He doesn't respond well to threats.  I hate to back him in a corner, but will of I need to.  With his line of work, I don't know if surgery is a good option as he has a very physically demanding job that he loves.  I will definitely ask him to get a second opinion from another doctor.  It won't hurt anything, that's for sure.  I'm glad you found a solution to your back pain! Maybe there's some hope for his.

Would telling him that he's not allowed to see the baby until he's clean prompt him into stopping the drugs?

I think it would create resentment, tension and hostility between us.  I don't know how I'd keep my family out of it if I were to do that.  I don't want to push him away by involving multiple people.  Our child is something I am not willing to make an ultimatum over.  It seems really cruel.

[EmilieMadison]

Your baby's safety and wellbeing IS worth making an ultimatum over. He's combative, doesn't respond well to "threats" or ultimatums, would likely refuse rehab, and is actively abusing Rx pain meds. I'm sorry, but this is more than a distraction. This is serious. As soon as you add a baby to the picture, it wont just be about what he wants and what you want. You can't trust him to care for the baby/not lose his temper/be responsible when he's using and the withdrawal makes him irrational and aggressive which is also unsafe. 

I hope you understand the seriousness of this. He's clearly in denial, but it sounds like you kind of are, too.

[sugarbear]

I'm assuming he'd be a candidate for a discectomy? That's what I had, at L4-L5 and L5-S1. I don't have a physical job (LOL. I'm a teacher), but I am still very active. My surgery has not limited my lifestyle at all.

I guess the thing is for me, is that I don't think I could leave him alone with the baby if I had any doubts that he wasn't completely sober. And at that point, whether he wants to go to rehab or not is irrelevant. He would no longer be an active participant in parenting our child (not to mention our relationship).

I'm sorry.

[Deleted]

I am not in denial. I want what is best for our family. If that really is not allowing him to see the baby, then I am willing to do what it takes. I am going to call a counselor tomorrow and make an appointment. I appreciate the advice and I won't let this get brushed under the rug. It's just shocking to go from happy and normal one day to an issue like this the next. It's hard to digest.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2013 0:45:55 GMT -5 sugarbear said:

I'm assuming he'd be a candidate for a discectomy? That's what I had, at L4-L5 and L5-S1. I don't have a physical job (LOL. I'm a teacher), but I am still very active. My surgery has not limited my lifestyle at all.

I guess the thing is for me, is that I don't think I could leave him alone with the baby if I had any doubts that he wasn't completely sober. And at that point, whether he wants to go to rehab or not is irrelevant. He would no longer be an active participant in parenting our child (not to mention our relationship).

I'm sorry.

I'll have him explore surgery further.  It seems like its going to be the only real solution for the long run. Thanks!!

[textbookcase]

I'm sorry. I hope he can get some help and support through this

I agree with pps, try to find other ways of pain management for him. My H has 3 herniated discs in his back and is in constant pain. He doesn't like taking medication and won't have the surgery because he doesn't want to go through it, so he's found some techniques that help - stretching, chiropractor, etc.

[Deleted]

Jan 22, 2013 0:50:55 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

what emilie said. You are locked into denial. This is not a distraction. And you don't want to tell your parents or ask them for help because they'll quite rightly remember he's a drug addict who cannot control his addiction and can't admit he's even got one. You're painting yourself into a spot where only the status quo can be maintained.

I will do something about it, I promise.  Counseling appt made tomorrow to discuss things further and make a plan of action. I have no desire to watch my marriage go to shit.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Cindy, I know it feels like it came about overnight but it's been building for a while. The best thing you can do is insist, under any circumstances necessary, that he get help. I would suggest a counselor for you. Maybe you might want to mention this to your ob in case the stress creates problems during labor. I was six months pregnant when I found out and wound up on strict bed rest for severe gestational hypertension a month later. In hindsight I wish I had told people at the time who could help.
Whatever happens, please don't try to do this alone.

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate it. I'll update when I have some news.

[snakeoiltanker]

He needs to check himself into a clinic. Opiate withdrawal and addiction is awful. I'm sorry.

[basilosaurus]

So, he has a legit unresolved pain issue, goes without pain meds, then needs too many to feel good again? Thus didn't sound like rehab type addiction.

People in pain don't want to be. They may get addicted to being pain free and want help controlling. But going cold turkey is a really really bad idea because they'll end up in fucking abject pain. Which they then overtreat because they're miserable.

Hiding it is bad. I get that. But there's a reason sop is to treat pain by schedule, before you feel it.

Absolutely trust your gut, but from your op, it seems there is legit reason for his actions.

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My father is a recovering alcoholic and prescription drug addict (Oxycontin). My stepmother finally told him that she would leave him if he didn't get help.

He immediately went into rehab and has been sober for nearly five years.

The bottom line is the addict has to be the one to choose to get clean and until they hit that point where they say, "it's time" they're going to use every manipulation and every excuse in the book to explain why they still drink or still use. Or else they lie and say they aren't drinking and using.

I would sit down with him and have a very serious conversation about your concerns and let him know that he MUST be clean in order to have a relationship with you and your child. I'm glad you're going to counseling and, as others have suggested, Al Anon works for a lot of people as well.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[RBL]

How is he getting so many pills to last him 10-12 pills per day for a month?

H had a discetomy at 25 years old (he could barely walk at the time) and still has back problems. He's been seeing a pain management doctor for the past couple of years and has been on pain killers. But the cotor can only percribe so much in a 30 day window. Also, the pharmacy/our insurance will not cover more then a certain amount in a 30 day period.

Has your husband gotten second/third opinions from other doctors? Why is surgery not recommended? Has he tried the back injections? Did they provide any relief for him? If he is in so much pain and not able to function, I would push a bit more about the surgery or other options.

[partiallysunny]

I also agree with Emilie. This is how my dad started on his addictions. Same issues, except he did have the surgery (which he says didn't help/made the pain worse). You can't trust him around a child until he find the right way to manage his pain. End of story.