can we please discuss this? I saw this on Facebook posted by The Stir this morning. I know there are plenty of families here that were an only child or decided to have an only child.
<address style="border: 0px none; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; display: inline; font-size: 10px; font-style: normal;">Posted by Andrew Kardon </address>on January 15, 2013 at 3:13 PM
I'm about to say something that's guaranteed to piss some people off. Not that that hasn'thappened before. Okay, here goes.
Parents who choose to have only one childare just being selfish.
Let me quickly put up a short disclaimer before everyone jumps down my throat. I understand some people are unable to have more than one kid due to medical or even financial circumstances. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the couple who choose to have one kid and then decide it's a lot of work and they like having their freedom, so they stop at one.
Yes, it's your life, so do what you want. But remember this: you're doing a huge disservice to your child by not giving them a sibling. A brother or sister is more than just a 24/7 live-in playdate. It's somebody to literally grow up with and experience going through childhood with. Someone else to share being your child, with all the ups, downs, and inside family jokes that includes.
When you were a kid and your parents came down on you for something or set the most totally unfair rules (9 p.m. bedtime?!?), who could you find comfort in? Yes, your brother or sister. Misery does love company after all.
But my issues with the "only child" go much more deeper than just what you're not giving your kid. It's what happens to these siblingless children. They get pretty obnoxious and selfish. Every single person I've ever met who was an only child had more of a selfish nature than others. I can't blame the kids, though. When you only have one kid, you're going to spoil them rotten and make them think they're the center of the entire universe.
These kids also don't seem to know how to play well with other kids. Yes, they can get along, but there's always something a bit off with them. They tend to relate to adults better than kids at times, which just causes some odd interactions on playdates.
When we had our first son, I was filled with so much love for this cute little guy that I couldn't fathom how I could love another child even close to as much. But somehow, having a second child actually grows your heart so you can indeed share an equal amount of love with them. My wife and I always say that the best thing we ever did for our first born was to give him a brother.
Sure my two boys fight like regular siblings now, but they are constantly playing together, sharing experiences, and completely cracking each other up all the time. A brother or sister just helps round out your childhood.
Of course, some people go the other extreme and pop out seven or eight kids. And that's a different problem altogether.
Do you think siblings make for a more fulfilling life?
Ok my personal opinion, based on my own experience, is that siblings do make for a more fulfilling life. Which is why we ended up having three kids and I would love to have one more (but probably won't . But I totally realize that that's all it is: my opinion. People decide to stop at one child for all sorts of very smart, valid reasons and they should not be made to feel badly about that choice or be bullied into feeling like they should have more. They are definitely not being selfish in trying to provide the best life that they can for their one child.
Trying to make someone else feel badly about their life in order to justify your own is a selfish action, on the other hand.
We're a one and done family. Part of it is money, part of it is age (DH will be 40 when she's born), and part of it was I never wanted a big family.
DH and I both have siblings. And we NEVER experienced any of the sibling fun that article refers to. Of course my sister is bipolar with sociopathic tendencies, so, in reality, it's like being an only child, since my sibling will never be able to fully function. DH's brother and him have never been buddies. In fact, BIL has screwed up his life so much, that even though he's the oldest, no one trusts him. MIL and FIL have both changed their wills to make DH the executor.
So no, for us, siblings don't make for a more fulfilling life.
I must say this article put a bad taste in my mouth. I grew up with a brother but we were never close and rarely played together. He was 5 years older than me and had his own friends. He spent his days around the corner at their houses while I stayed home and had my friends over. Now, we are grown and some shitty things happened during my teenage years while my brother was at college. He didn't come home to help my mother and me. He stayed at school away from the family trouble so he didn't have to deal with it. We never really recovered our relationship after that. He now live about 10 minutes me and I rarely see him. We get together for family dinners and what not or I call and visit my 1 year old nephew. We are no where close to being friends.
I plan to only have 1 child. I want to be a SAHM for at least the first 5 years. If we had two children and decided to do this it would put a strain on our family and our finances. I want to provide for our hypothetical child financially (college savings) and also be able to enjoy a lot of the things I didn't as a child (theme parks / travel etc). If we had two children we wouldn't be able to do this, at least not on the scale we want to.
ETA: I wanted to have 3 children when DH and I first got married. Then I had a miscarriage. That really changed my perspective on pregnancy and children. If we suffer another loss we are done trying to have a child naturally (decision we made together). We will likely either stay childless or look into adoption. Adoption is expensive and we wouldn't be able to afford more than one adoption.
Total nutjob there. Siblings do not automatically make for a more fulfilling life - that totally depends on alot of other factors. Only children tend to be leaders, and generally successful in life
We're a one and done family. Part of it is money, part of it is age (DH will be 40 when she's born), and part of it was I never wanted a big family.
DH and I both have siblings. And we NEVER experienced any of the sibling fun that article refers to. Of course my sister is bipolar with sociopathic tendencies, so, in reality, it's like being an only child, since my sibling will never be able to fully function. DH's brother and him have never been buddies. In fact, BIL has screwed up his life so much, that even though he's the oldest, no one trusts him. MIL and FIL have both changed their wills to make DH the executor.
So no, for us, siblings don't make for a more fulfilling life.
Sorry.
DH has two siblings that also have mental disorders. His childhood was spent in fear of what they were going to do to him next, and quite frankly, I think his childhood would have been 1000X better without them.
That article is stupid. My mom was an only child and she is one of the most self-less people I know. I don't think she fully understands sibling rivalry or the complexity of her children's sibling relationships, but she was very close to cousins growing up. I can think of lots of pros and cons to being an only child or a child with siblings.
I don't even know what to say. At least I know *i'm* not selfish because there were other factors as to why we're one and done.
But really. What pisses me off about this is that a part of my guilt about only having one is some of what he wrote. Are we doing a disservice to DS by not trying to have another child? But the flip side to that is that we are in a better spot to give DS more (life experiences, that is. Not material objects) because he is an only. If we had more, it would be really hard on us financially.
Reality is - you can't win. People who choose to not have kids at all are selfish, people who only have 1 are selfish, people who have 10 are selfish. People like this ass will always find something wrong in what other people choose to do.
To the point "these kids don't know how to play well with other kids." specifically: My kid has spent the last 4.5 years of her life in very densely populated urban areas. I am pretty sure she has learned a lot more about how to play well with other kids on any given day at our local playgrounds than some kid who only knows how to play with his/her sibling in their 10,000 acre backyard in middle America.
Furthermore, eff the writer again.
I have three siblings. I love them all in different ways and am close to them in differing degrees. I am fully aware that life is a total crapshoot when it comes to whether you will actually like your own siblings or not and am also aware that when you luck out, a sibling is an awesome, irreplaceable thing. Regardless, it is not everything there is and it is not how I define myself or my life. The claims in this article are as absurd as people who say that mothers who work are "outsourcing raising their children" and shortchanging their kids in some way.
It is annoying to read articles like this that insist that kids need siblings. Who knows how their relationship will be? If you're happy with one, keep it at one! I've also met several people who had a second kid due to pressure from family and friends and greatly regretted it from a financial standpoint.
My brother and I are not close. He never got the whole "us against our parents" thing as a kid and had zero interest in hanging out, playing or talking with me. I was 5 years older and so some of our experiences were different but I've seen plenty of siblings with similar age gaps who are close while my brother acts like we didn't grow up in the same house.
Does this dude's argument about bonding with a sibling even matter, considering that technology is probably going to replace human interaction completely within the next few decades?
Let's be honest, because when he says "parents" are selfish, he really means "mothers" because birth control is still the primary responsibility of women. And this hard work that scares parents away from mulitples is really an attack on the mothers ability to achieve the perfect work-life balance to successfully raise - or want to raise- multiple children.
I have two sisters. The youngest one (13 years younger) I love to pieces. The other one (four years younger)I don't even like. She's a terrible person and she made my childhood hell. Flame away, but I would have had a happier childhood without her. Since she's the one that supposedly enriched my life based on the article, I'm saying this is BS. IMO the most loving parents are the ones who have the number of children they can afford and meet the financial/emotional needs of.
Post by imojoebunny on Jan 22, 2013 9:23:56 GMT -5
I just don't think this is accurate. There are trade offs to everything. Only kids get benefits kids with siblings don't have and those with siblings have other benefits. One is not better than the other.
Of course my sister is bipolar with sociopathic tendencies, so, in reality, it's like being an only child, since my sibling will never be able to fully function.
Me too! My sister, though I love her, causes a lot of pain in my family. We've never been able to have a fun, loving, sibling relationship and I seriously worry about what's going to happen when my folks aren't around anymore.
Ridiculous. When DH and I were thinking about having kids, we were always one and done, and frankly for all of the writer's "selfish" reasons.
DH has two sisters, one is great and one is a complete trainwreck that burdens the family emotionally and financially even at 50 years old. I have a brother and we weren't close growing up. We didn't play together or have this great relationship. We aren't even that close now, we see each other at Christmas.
Ridiculous. I'm an only child, and I'm pretty sure I had a fulfilling childhood. My parents were solidly middle class - if anything, it would have been selfish of them to have more on their income. They didn't stop because they were too lazy to have more, or even because they couldn't afford it - more kids just never happened for them. It worked out, though. They were able to give me so much more, from ice skating and dance classes, to music lessons, camps, a car to drive to my part-time job, tickets to the theater, help with study abroad opportunities. We may have been able to pull off some of that if I had to share with a sibling, but probably not as much.
And I resent the assumption that only children are obnoxious and selfish. It's all in how you raise your kid - my H has six siblings, and his youngest sister is one of the most selfish, entitled, spoiled people I know. While I have the ability to be an asshole sometimes (really, who doesn't?), my parents raised me to be generous and sensitive to the feelings of others.
Yes, I'm very selfish to not risk my life again just so my child can have a sibling. I developed a rare autoimmune disease during pregnancy and was given a 40% chance of survival. I'm so selfish.
"It's what happens to these siblingless children. They get pretty obnoxious and selfish. Every single person I've ever met who was an only child had more of a selfish nature than others."
So, here's the thing. You don't know the sibling status of everybody you meet. People are always shocked to find out I'm an only child because I "don't act like one." And that's just the people who know. Think of all those other folks I have regular contact with through work. My brother or sister or lack there of has never once been a conversation topic.
Ugh, I was just starting to convince myself that it was okay to be one and done. We had a rough morning, and I just generally find being a parent completely exhausting and overwhelming. I can't imagine how DD's childhood would be better if I were even more overwhelmed.
Crazy. I love my sister now, but childhood with her wasn't exactly warm and fuzzy. I'm 7 years older than she is, so that may play in to it, but really each family has to do what is right for them, and that's not being selfish.