If you were ever on the fence about kids

[heliocentric]

We were on the fence for years, but looking back I think we were forcing ourselves to be on the fence when we were really on the "no kids" side. We stopped pressuring ourselves to decide "for good" and said we'd not have kids now and wait a few years and reconsider. We kept doing that and are now 40 & 42, so our proscrastination has pretty much decided for us. And we're happy with that. 

There are still times I wonder if the decision was right, but I tend to overanalyze everything. I am sure we would be good parents and love a kid, but we are not unhappy without kids. Plus I like to imagine a regular day with a kid in the mix and quite honestly I feel exhausted and cranky just thinking about it.

[Deleted]

We're still on the fence. I think DH is more consistently in the "no kids" camp although I think he really means "no kids right now". He often will refer to having a kid someday or what he'd teach his son or how he'd be protective of his daughter. He's great with kids (they LOVE him, they'll walk right past me to hang out with him) and I know he'd love the crap out of a child the same as he loves the crap out of our dogs - I imagine even moreso, lol.

I am on the fence personally - lately I've been leaning a bit toward "yes", for the better part of the last year I've been very "no", and this is a usual pattern for me. I never grew up playing with dolls, never liked hanging out with kids, never had an interest in having them. It sounds ridiculous but adopting my second dog really was when I started leaning toward having them. It brought out something maternal in me I think. I think my current stance is more related to worrying about being "left behind" when all our friends and family have kids - I can see all future family parties being centered around grandchildren/cousin's children and I don't know where I'll fit into that (I don't have any nieces/nephews yet so maybe that won't actually be an issue once they arrive). I'm not sure how I'll relate to friends having kids and being the only couple without them. And I don't know what we'll do with all our time over the years, we are unlikely to ever have the budget to travel extensively or live some posh lifestyle, so I don't want to just spend our whole lives hanging out at home watching TV on the weekends while everyone we know is creating family memories.

But the idea of having children is far more appealing to me than I think the reality is. The day to day crazy scheduling, laundry, screaming baby, driving older kids to activities, running in circles basically is what is our holdup. I'm also not convinced DH and I are a good "team" and I worry we won't be able to handle having a kid together as well as so many of you seem to. I'm afraid we'd end up stressed, snapping at each other, and I'd feel the larger burden of the childcare, even though we both work full time. So I'm just not sure that my desire to have kids (which is minimal) is worth the potential to completely blow up everything we've got going on right now. IDK. I figure until I have a better answer to that, we're staying childless.

[IIOY]

I never wanted kids and, frankly, couldn't stand kids. Let's be honest: kids are expensive assholes. Then I met H and at some point while we were dating, it suddenly occurred to me that he would be a great dad. I can even remember the precise moment this occurred to me. After that, I sort of grew into the idea that maybe kids weren't such a bad thing.

I will say that after both of my children were born, it took me a while to bond with them. I wasn't one of those love-at-first-sight moms, so it took a little bit of time for me develop that crazy maternal love that goes beyond a feeling of simple responsibility. I also still can't stand other people's kids. However, my kids enrich my life in innumerable ways, they are awesome, and I love them to pieces.

[Deleted]

We could have gone either way. I never felt like I HAD to have kids. I did reach a point where I actively wanted them, and DH did as well. I wouldn't say either of us had baby fever, but we did definitely cross a line from being on the fence to desiring children.

Before we started TTC we did agree on what measures we would be willing to go through if we had fertility issues. We agreed at that time that we would go as far as IUI but not as far as IVF or adoption. We did not have fertility problems and I can't say for sure one way or the other whether we would have stuck to our agreement if we had. I think we would have, though. Neither of us has ever felt that kids were an indispensable part of our future together and I still think we would have been just as happy on the path not taken.

That's not to discount the love I have for DD1 and my excitement for DD2. I'm very happy in how things have worked out for us. I just don't think this is the only way we could have been happy in life.

[SJ]

We both always knew we wanted kids "someday", but as "someday" gets closer & closer it becomes more and more terrifying to get off the fence.

Mainly because we love our lives right now and if age wasn't a factor in TTC/childbearing, we feel we could happily live like this* for at least another 10+ years.

* by "this" I mean working hard, playing hard, lots of travel, lots of food/booze/late nights, tons of social activities, strong friend group, disposable income, urban lifestyle etc.

[phunluvin82]

Jan 24, 2013 9:05:23 GMT -5 kaylie said:

I was a definite yes on kids before we got married but now I'm wavering. I've just realized how much responsibility they are and it scares me. I'm 28 now and hoping I'll be more gung-ho sometime before I turn 35. If it doesn't happen, we probably won't have them.

This is very similar to my feelings...except substitute 30 for 28

Now that I have a career and a household to run, and an H that travels for work frequently, I feel a lot differently about the idea of parenting than I did when I was younger, freer, and living with roommates...the work and responsibility that it takes to raise a child was much more in the abstract to me then than now. 

I really thought I'd be more firmly on one side of the fence or the other by now...but I feel like the more time I give it, the more completely uncertain I am unfortunately.  Sorry OP, I'm realizing this probably doesn't help, lol!

[martygras]

DH and I originally wanted kids, we were all about it and bought a house big enough for a future family. As things have gone on I now have a career as opposed to a job, and we both enjoy having the freedom to travel/make irrational decisions. We don't want to give up that freedom which allows us to go to things like the Final Four and the Rose Bowl at the drop of a hat.

Plus we enjoy having dogs without having to worry about how kids will interact with our dogs.

[phunluvin82]

Jan 24, 2013 13:28:45 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

This is a concern for me as well.  Some things would have to be ironed out and some things would have to change before we could have a baby without it taking a major toll on our marriage IMO. 

ETA: messed up the quote function...but was referring to bucky's last paragraph.

[Wines Not Whines]

Jan 24, 2013 9:21:53 GMT -5 halfpint said:

I think I aged into it. In my 20s, I was pretty set that I would be happy never having children. Maybe someday, but maybe not. Even our first year of marriage, I kind of felt like it would be very appealing to just be childless. Then somewhere around 31, I got a stronger urge to have kids. We started casually "not not" trying, and realized after a year that this wasn't going to happen as easily as we thought. That's when the desire to have kids really kicked in...when I thought it couldn't happen.

This pretty much what happened with me. If we weren't able to have kids, I think I still would've been happy. I had a fulfilling life pre-kids and I would've continued on that path.

What it really came down to, for me, was imagining my life 10-15 years in the future. I saw kids in my life. I've never been a baby person, and I never had baby fever, but I guess I had kid-fever.

[Lucille Bluth]

There's a good book that I read called Maybe Baby, which is interesting if you're on the fence.
www.amazon.com/Maybe-Baby-Infertility-Childlessness-Ambivalence/dp/0060737824

[Muddled]

We have been on the fence for years and have finally decided that we would be good either way.

I'm helpful, aren't I?


eta- I will add that I always thought the biological clock was a horrid horrid myth, but I now think there is something to it. It didn't hit me until about 32 and it is overcome-able, but there is definitely a bit of a pull there.

[Deleted]

I was never on the fence, but like h (are you seriously my twin??), I knew having kids were in my life plan. It was a matter of when and how many, not what if.

Even still, I think I would have had an awesome life without kids, so we really could have gone either way-- but I can't imagine life without my daughter now that she is here.  

I definitely don't think everyone is destined to be a parent, and far too many people are parents who should not be.  

[Kore]

champagna: I know! How was that 3 years ago?

[aurora]

I've just gradually wanted them less and less each year that goes by in my life. I also think I would be a terrible mother and that I would resent all of the needs my kids would have, so I don't want to subject anyone to that. I am very much hoping my younger sister has them, though, because I think I would enjoy being an aunt.

[msmerymac]

I could have gone either way in my early 20s. My now-husband has always wanted kids. I'm not sure that necessarily changed my mind, or if I just realized I felt the same way.

[Doggy Mommy]

I don't have the feeling that I definitely don't want kids, but I've also never had a feeling like I do want/need kids. Sometimes I think it would be fun, but I don't think it's right for us. We really enjoy the life we have together and we feel content the way things are. Also, DH has some health issues and he feels very strongly that he doesn't want to risk passing it on to a kid. It would also be a financial burden (we're doing fine but don't have $1000+/month extra for daycare) and we're getting old (35 and 41). We're happy being crazy dog people.

[hannamaren]

Jan 24, 2013 8:54:03 GMT -5 @choco said:

We hit a point where we ran out of excuses why we needed to wait longer. We said that we would try for a year and if we didn't have any luck, then we would be happy without kids. We were never the couple who always talked about kids and I truly believed that we would have been happy either way.

This was us exactly. 

[aurora]

Jan 24, 2013 16:21:28 GMT -5 Kore said:

champagna: I know! How was that 3 years ago?

Two things:

1. I have apparently lurked for a long time, since I remember that thread.

2. I miss volenti.

[Deleted]

Jan 24, 2013 9:10:31 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

We're still on the fence. We both have very active lives and busy careers. It's hard to figure out where a child could fit in our lives right now, and we aren't really making any preparations to change that. Which makes me think we will be happy either way. I'm glad we still have time to change our minds, though.

This s where we are.  We were hard core trying, then DH's dad got sick and it made us reconsider.  We are confident we will be happy either way.  We also wish that we would have had kids years ago when we were hung and stupid,  before the scary stuff started happening.