I had a serious BF who went from "yeah, a couple of kids would be nice" to "I don't want to get married or have kids, ever". That and some other things drove us to counseling. Our counselor said I needed to decide how important marriage and kids were to me.
We ultimately decided we wanted to try and have kids when we realized it was just something we really wanted in the end. Honestly though for years it was never a given and I think we would be happy either way. That may have been swayed more though b/c we knew I only have one ovary now and we needed to prepare ourselves for the realization that we may end up childless due to IF.
What really struck a cord with me was DH's clock sort of went into overdrive last year when he turned 39 and realized that 40 was on the horizon and what did he want to look back on his life and see. I was fine waiting longer or not at all, but when he showed a desire to the one side, it made me evaluate where I was.
I don't know that we're the typical on the fence couple, since we knew that even if we decided to try and have a child that it may not happen. And we had also discussed the lengths we would go to have a child and had determined that we probably would not consider more invasive IF procedures or adoption personally.
We hit a point where we ran out of excuses why we needed to wait longer. We said that we would try for a year and if we didn't have any luck, then we would be happy without kids. We were never the couple who always talked about kids and I truly believed that we would have been happy either way.
I was a definite yes on kids before we got married but now I'm wavering. I've just realized how much responsibility they are and it scares me. I'm 28 now and hoping I'll be more gung-ho sometime before I turn 35. If it doesn't happen, we probably won't have them.
We're still on the fence. We both have very active lives and busy careers. It's hard to figure out where a child could fit in our lives right now, and we aren't really making any preparations to change that. Which makes me think we will be happy either way. I'm glad we still have time to change our minds, though.
I never wanted kids but DH always did. We finally came to a point in our relationship where I had to decide to either have kids or end it. There was no point in continuing on if I knew kids weren't something I wanted, especially since we'd already been dating for many years and were starting to talk marriage. I thought more and more about life with vs. without kids and decided that I did want them, I just wasn't ready at that point. We were together 8 years before we had kids. Now I can't imagine my life without them (says the mom who has been up since 5am with a very hyper 2 year old)!
ETA: I think it helped that we did a lot of traveling and felt comfortable in our careers and our position financially. Most of my doubts re: children were caused by fear that we needed to fulfill our dreams first so waiting several years post-marriage until we were stable financially and had done a lot for just the two of us really helped.
We're still on the fence. We both have very active lives and busy careers. It's hard to figure out where a child could fit in our lives right now, and we aren't really making any preparations to change that. Which makes me think we will be happy either way. I'm glad we still have time to change our minds, though.
Pretty much describes us. We never discussed it much while dating. It has been a conversation more recently last year or so, since everyone around us is having children. I don't see how we could fit a kid right in our life though, we both have demanding jobs, daily workouts- which we cannot give up due to health issues. I have friends with kids that don't get enough sleep and I know I can't get any now with my schedule..up at 4, bed at 10. We are still pretty young yet, figuring we are 30 got a while to decide whether we want them or not to make the necessary changes. I know people say you just make it work, but without family support around, I don't see a positive right now.
I think I aged into it. In my 20s, I was pretty set that I would be happy never having children. Maybe someday, but maybe not. Even our first year of marriage, I kind of felt like it would be very appealing to just be childless. Then somewhere around 31, I got a stronger urge to have kids. We started casually "not not" trying, and realized after a year that this wasn't going to happen as easily as we thought. That's when the desire to have kids really kicked in...when I thought it couldn't happen.
We saw a specialist, and thankfully minor medical intervention seems to have worked. I still think, if for some reason this didn't work, we would have let go before IVF or even adoption. Somewhere in between medication and IVF we would have decided that we'd have an amazing life without kids, too.
ETA: I think it helped that we did a lot of traveling and felt comfortable in our careers and our position financially. Most of my doubts re: children were caused by fear that we needed to fulfill our dreams first so waiting several years post-marriage until we were stable financially and had done a lot for just the two of us really helped.
Ditto vegas, the above was very important to us. We were able to do a lot in our 20s, which is why I said in my original response that we "ran out of excuses" to wait. DH and I started dating when I was 16 and he was 18. We took our sweet time getting married since we wanted to pursue career and financial goals. We got married when I was 26 and DS was born three years later.
I'm still on the fence, but DH wants kids. I'm not so set on not having kids that I would deprive him of never having kids. For a long time though he told me he was okay not having kids, and I was okay with that as well.. We don't have kids yet, and we aren't TTC...yet. AH! Scares me.
ETA: I always thought I would eventually have this burning desire to have kids... Once we got married I'd have it (nope). Once we moved out of our tin-hut of a trailer I thought i'd be ready (nope). Once I had a "real" job (nope)... I'm 28, he's 31.. At this point I don't think i'll ever have a burning desire, but I've accepted that he wants kids, and i'm okay with that.
Before getting married at the ripe old age of 23, I was completely eh about having kids, but assumed we'd have them someday. Shortly after getting married, the inexplicable baby fever hit me, and I wanted to have a baby. Several years of that, and the timing was never right. We're both pretty immature, & live like college students.
A few years ago, I was in a total rut. I felt like life was on hold, waiting for the timing to be right to have a baby. I hadn't considered what life could be like if we didn't have kids until I saw that post. It was a bit of a profound moment for me. I started imagining our life with just us, and to my surprise, I loved it. It felt so free & fun. I thought about it for a few more days before bringing it up with my H. The more time that passed, the more "right" it felt. I felt as though a weight had been lifted from me. I felt younger, like I can do anything, and have this entire fun life to look forward to. I have 9 nieces & nephews, and they all adore me. I'm the "cool" aunt. It's such a fun role, & I love them dearly.
I've since opened myself to new experiences, found incredibly rewarding volunteer experiences, and made new close friendships. I'm more focused on building & maintaining friendships, since my friends are what I'll have when I'm old. Though either way, everyone should focus on building strong friendships so they're not a burden to their children for entertainment & emotional support as they age.
Anyway, that was a few years ago, and I haven't wavered at all since then. My H & I feel great about the decision, knowing that we made the choice vs having it made for us. I know we would cherish our child if we had one, but I'm in love with the life we're building together sans kids.
We pretty much just decided that we preferred our lives the way they are now. There were already a ton of reasons in the "no" column for us, but eventually it was just more about wanting to continue the status quo.
For me I think I always knew I didn't want children. I really just never had the patience to be around them. The few times I baby sat I dreaded it. The older I got the more it was obvious to me, that children weren't my thing. I can admire them from afar, spend a little bit of time with them but the idea of being around kids 24/7 is not something I can handle. I also never had a desire to change my life style to accomodate kids.
My H is different. He and his first wife wanted kids, they tried and were unable. They were very young when they got married and as he got older he came to the conclusion that he was enjoying his lifestyle and didn't want to start having kids in his 30s.
When we met I was very clear that kids were not in my future and he was fine with that.
I've always felt strongly that I couldn't be a single mom, that having a child alone would be incredibly difficult for me (emotionally as well as financial concerns); I just like my space and quiet time. With DH, I knew I had a partner who would be incredible with children and is a good support no matter what my mood is. And DH 'gets' that I need alone time to recharge, he does too at times, so we know to balance each other. I knew when I married him that children would be a part of our future, even taking the risk that life is uncertain and something could happen to DH. My son is amazing to me, but he doesn't make me feel somehow more complete or as if life was lacking something before he came. For me personally, I didn't need a child to be fulfilled, but am glad that life has brought me both DH and our son.
Post by fortnightlily on Jan 24, 2013 9:53:55 GMT -5
I'm 7 weeks pregnant, planned, and still extremely ambivalent
I grew up just assuming I'd have children, but never having that maternal instinct. Never played with dolls, never was that into kids, etc. DH and I have been married over four years. I'm 30, he's 42. We always talked about it, but were waiting until we felt 'ready'. Well, that feeling still hasn't hit -- no biological urges to speak of -- but based on our ages we kind of felt like we shouldn't wait any longer. We moved across the country to be closer to our families, are starting to look at houses, etc., so it's the natural next step.
DH has lots of nieces and nephews and is fantastic with kids, and I do think it would be kind of sad if he never got to be a father. I think I would've been happy either way. This whole process is very very foreign to me and quite scary. It would be so much easier if I had just woken up with baby fever one day
Before getting married at the ripe old age of 23, I was completely eh about having kids, but assumed we'd have them someday. Shortly after getting married, the inexplicable baby fever hit me, and I wanted to have a baby. Several years of that, and the timing was never right. We're both pretty immature, & live like college students.
A few years ago, I was in a total rut. I felt like life was on hold, waiting for the timing to be right to have a baby. I hadn't considered what life could be like if we didn't have kids until I saw that post. It was a bit of a profound moment for me. I started imagining our life with just us, and to my surprise, I loved it. It felt so free & fun. I thought about it for a few more days before bringing it up with my H. The more time that passed, the more "right" it felt. I felt as though a weight had been lifted from me. I felt younger, like I can do anything, and have this entire fun life to look forward to. I have 9 nieces & nephews, and they all adore me. I'm the "cool" aunt. It's such a fun role, & I love them dearly.
I've since opened myself to new experiences, found incredibly rewarding volunteer experiences, and made new close friendships. I'm more focused on building & maintaining friendships, since my friends are what I'll have when I'm old. Though either way, everyone should focus on building strong friendships so they're not a burden to their children for entertainment & emotional support as they age.
Anyway, that was a few years ago, and I haven't wavered at all since then. My H & I feel great about the decision, knowing that we made the choice vs having it made for us. I know we would cherish our child if we had one, but I'm in love with the life we're building together sans kids.
Things like what were listed in that thread, and your post above, are why I know we'd be totally fine without kids, too. More than fine, we'd be great. I confess, there was a brief moment after I got my first positive test when the only thought in my head was, "Shit! What have we done!"
Post by lintscreen on Jan 24, 2013 10:07:12 GMT -5
I never had a very strong desire to have kids. DH always wanted them but we talked about it and both of us decided we'd be totally fine without them. As time went on, some close friends and relatives had kids and it took away a lot our fears about it. We saw friends having kids and they still traveled and had social lives and they made it look somewhat easy. Then we decided just to go off BC and see what happened. It took us a year to get PG and when it happened, we were both scared out of our minds. I've never doubted our decision.
Post by hokiegirl82 on Jan 24, 2013 10:07:27 GMT -5
I used to be a never-ever. I have never really liked kids and honestly until about a year ago I could never imagine myself as a mom, and had no desire to have children. H and I bought I house together when I was 23, got married when I was 25, and I knew there was no way I would even think about having kids until I was at least 30 - I wanted to be married for awhile and enjoy my time with just H before even considering kids. H was "take it or leave it" about kids - he would be ok to having one someday, but would also be ok not having any kids - he basically left the decision up to me. Honestly, there were times after being married that kids annoyed me so much and after thinking about how drastically our lives would change with a kid, and how expensive they are, I would like "no way, I'm never having a kid." But, after having friends have babies, and talking to different people about being a parent, and thinking a lot about what it might be like to be a mom, I finally decided early last year that I was ready to start TTC in the near future. I think what changed my mind the most was being around a lot of women and friends at work who had babies and I saw the joy they got from having a child. I thought about what if I look back in 20 years and regret not having a child - I am also way more open to the idea of having a drastically different life. H and I have traveled, done some really great things, have our careers and house set, and I have changed a lot over the past couple of years and feel ready for the responsibility of a child. We are going to start TTC in the next couple of months, and I am excited about where our lives will go with a child.
Because I've looked at kids (of all ages) and thought "Aw, that's a cute kid!" but I've never looked at a kid (of any age) and thought "Aw, I want one of those."
Post by kangaroo11 on Jan 24, 2013 10:17:14 GMT -5
I knew I didn't want kids a long time ago. People would say "Oh, you'll change your mind." I'd laugh and reply to ask again when I was 30. I was certain I was fine without kids.
Then I was 30 AND my last grandparent passed away without any great-grandkids, which was something she'd really wanted. I felt the urge to be a parent suddenly. DH and I talked about it. He was the one who originally wanted kids, but since I didn't, he decided he was ok without. Now, I wanted a kid. We decided to try for a few months and see if it happened. If we weren't successful, we wouldn't do IVF or anything.
We got pregnant our third month and it's still crazy knowing that baby sleeping in the crib next to me is mine.
We were on the fence, but definitely leaning toward not having them ever. But then one day I realized that we needed to have a child. It was like a switch flipped in both of us, not even kidding. I never understood the biological clock thing until it happened to me. But we're one and done, I can assure you that, lol.
I used to REALLY want them, then I went through a couple of years thinking we shouldn't have them, and now I'm back to wanting them again. I realized that my IMAGINED version of our life without kids was much more exciting than our real one. The reality is that we don't have the kind of jobs or enough savings to let us take tons of fabulous trips, we're not the kind to go out to bars every night and have wild nights...instead, we go to pretty casual restaurants for dinner and do some long-weekend trips fairly close by, both of which are still feasible with kids. Also, I think DH will be a great dad and our parents will be amazing grandparents, and I want to see all of them in those roles. Also, I love other people's babies, so I'm pretty sure I'll be crazy about my own.
Post by sosteadilygo on Jan 24, 2013 10:33:53 GMT -5
I have never wanted to have biological kids, I haven't had that instinct of wanting to be pregnant. For a while, H and I decided we didn't want to have kids at all because we didn't feel like it would complete us at all. We have decided before we are 35 (we are 28 now), we are going to go through the adoption process.
It's seriously cheesy, but reading "My Life in France" by Julia Child pushed me into the repro camp. I had been on the fence for a long time, as had H. We both saw the benefits of being parents and of being child-free. I liked kids, but didn't necessarily feel like I needed to have my own. At the end of her book, Child writes about how difficult it was on her after Paul (her husband) died after they'd been together so many years. She said that they had always been neutral about having kids, and there were times she wished they had but other times she really enjoyed their independence. But when her friends, sister, and Paul were gone, she really wished she had children and grandchildren to fill the void. She felt alone.
I don't think that's a good reason for a person who's leaning more toward not having kids, obviously.
While we were never on the fence about whether to have them at all, we were on the fence about how many to have/whether to have another. I know that what helped us the most was thinking not just about what we want right now, but how we envision our life 10, 20, etc. years down the line. When we pictured our family in 10 or 20 years, we pictured three kids in it, so we made that happen. With us, it was never an "I want a baby right now!" feeling--it was about knowing that we ultimately wanted a family with multiple kids in it, and that in order to get to the place we want to end up, we needed to have some babies.
That said, I tend to think that if a person is on the fence both about whether they want a baby now and whether kids fit into their long-term life vision, it is probably best not to have them. Kids are awesome, but they are too much work, too expensive, and too generally all consuming to bother with if you don't really want them.
My husband would have been content without. He knew that I felt my life wouldn't be complete without one. He will openly talk about how although he never would have pushed for them, he did wonder if he would ever regret not having one.
If I didn't have such a strong desire to have children, there's a good chance we wouldn't have had any.
That said, I think he'll be a natural even though it's not something he's really "dreamed" about. He's looking forward to this new chapter in our lives, yet still can't quite grasp it yet, if that makes sense. I think he's one of those men who won't feel like a father until the baby is placed into his arms.