Care to discuss? Praising/not praising children

[biblionerd]

I posted a couple of links on FB that I thought were interesting and my inlaws are in a complete tizzy. At first I balked when I started reading the articles- just because of the titles mainly I think (which I think are purposely dramatic and not exactly what they are saying), but I realized they do have very valid points. Just wanted to get some other peoples' opinions! I'm convinced by what my inlaws posted that they didn't even read/comprehend the article, but maybe I'm just heartless... 

parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/too-much-praise-is-no-good-for-toddlers/?smid=fb-share

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200909/parenting-dont-praise-your-children

[Deleted]

I've heard of this idea, mostly through DS1's Montessori school that he attended from age 1-3. They were big on noting achievements specifically, not just "great job!" all the time. Instead, you did that all by yourself! or, What a tall tower you made! or, Look how tidy your playroom is now after you picked everything up!

I try to make positive remarks to DS1 all the time (to counteract the corrections and nagging) when he is behaving himself. I try to say, you're being so helpful, you're playing so nicely with your brother!, thank you for bringing your plate into the kitchen. The Monti newsletters they sent home were really an eye opener for me. So I really try to make specific comments to him instead of blanket praise.

[tuck]

I'm guilty of overusing "good job." When she shows me the fifteenth "abstract" painting she's made in a row, I really don't have anything else.

I do try to praise her for trying hard instead of just being awesome, though.

ETA: I also try to thank her for doing things instead of just a general statement. So, something like "Thank you for cleaning your play area. I really appreciate that you didn't complain when you did it."

[Deleted]

Jan 26, 2013 0:39:57 GMT -5 tuck said:

I'm guilty of overusing "good job." When she shows me the fifteenth "abstract" painting she's made in a row, I really don't have anything else.

I do try to praise her for trying hard instead of just being awesome, though.

Yeah, it's hard.  Sometimes I just say, I like the colours!
x 15

[biblionerd]

Jan 26, 2013 0:35:02 GMT -5 @starbound said:

I've heard of this idea, mostly through DS1's Montessori school that he attended from age 1-3. They were big on noting achievements specifically, not just "great job!" all the time. Instead, you did that all by yourself! or, What a tall tower you made! or, Look how tidy your playroom is now after you picked everything up!

I try to make positive remarks to DS1 all the time (to counteract the corrections and nagging) when he is behaving himself. I try to say, you're being so helpful, you're playing so nicely with your brother!, thank you for bringing your plate into the kitchen. The Monti newsletters they sent home were really an eye opener for me. So I really try to make specific comments to him instead of blanket praise.

I'm trying so hard to do this. Linus walks around all day doing things and saying "good boy". It doesn't even make sense a lot of the time so I don't know if he's just really proud of himself or really doesn't know what it means. It was cute, but now I just kind of feel bad for I guess polarizing things- good vs. bad. Like I realized today HOW MANY times I said good boy or good job. It was obnoxious and I started to realize just hollow praise. So I say good job when he gets up from finally laying still so I can change his diaper. It was more valuable to say "thank you for laying there nicely so I could change your diaper and not get poop all over myself", etc. etc. Instead of saying "good job" when he gave Fiona a toy I tried to say "that was very nice that you shared your toy with your sister" or "look how happy that made her!". I think (largely) that's what the articles were saying and it just made me realize I'm being a lazy praiser lol. 

[biblionerd]

Jan 26, 2013 0:41:27 GMT -5 @starbound said:

Jan 26, 2013 0:39:57 GMT -5 tuck said:

I'm guilty of overusing "good job." When she shows me the fifteenth "abstract" painting she's made in a row, I really don't have anything else.

I do try to praise her for trying hard instead of just being awesome, though.

Yeah, it's hard.  Sometimes I just say, I like the colours!
x 15

Haha! Luckily Linus is young enough that I don't think he really even cares what I say, just how I say it. When he colors I usually end up just smiling and saying "Yay!!! It's pink" and he claps and goes on his way lol.

[Deleted]

Jan 26, 2013 0:42:15 GMT -5 biblionerd said:

Jan 26, 2013 0:35:02 GMT -5 @starbound said:

I've heard of this idea, mostly through DS1's Montessori school that he attended from age 1-3. They were big on noting achievements specifically, not just "great job!" all the time. Instead, you did that all by yourself! or, What a tall tower you made! or, Look how tidy your playroom is now after you picked everything up!

I try to make positive remarks to DS1 all the time (to counteract the corrections and nagging) when he is behaving himself. I try to say, you're being so helpful, you're playing so nicely with your brother!, thank you for bringing your plate into the kitchen. The Monti newsletters they sent home were really an eye opener for me. So I really try to make specific comments to him instead of blanket praise.

I'm trying so hard to do this. Linus walks around all day doing things and saying "good boy". It doesn't even make sense a lot of the time so I don't know if he's just really proud of himself or really doesn't know what it means. It was cute, but now I just kind of feel bad for I guess polarizing things- good vs. bad. Like I realized today HOW MANY times I said good boy or good job. It was obnoxious and I started to realize just hollow praise. So I say good job when he gets up from finally laying still so I can change his diaper. It was more valuable to say "thank you for laying there nicely so I could change your diaper and not get poop all over myself", etc. etc. Instead of saying "good job" when he gave Fiona a toy I tried to say "that was very nice that you shared your toy with your sister" or "look how happy that made her!". I think (largely) that's what the articles were saying and it just made me realize I'm being a lazy praiser lol. 

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's easy to fall into that pattern.  I have taught kids (violin) since I was 19 and hearing these Moms saying "great job!" all the time (when their kid was a lazy so-and-so) really got to me, as someone without kids.  I taught in a wealthy area and not to generalise, but it was those mums who were all up their kids' business and hovering and over-praising for the tiniest things.  The kids were spoilt AS.  Helicopter parents?  Anyway, I swore to not be one of those mums.  Some days I am, I know, but I think I'm gradually getting better at it.

[ashleydl83]

I think now that the boys are getting older and I can see their differences, I feel like I have a healthy mix of the two. Everything used to be general praise, but now I focus on praising their strengths and focusing on encouraging them when they show weakness in another area. I feel like it's a disservice to praise them for every single thing.

ETA: I have so much more to add, but my brain can't seem to put it to words.

[nilex0102]

Jan 26, 2013 0:39:57 GMT -5 tuck said:

I'm guilty of overusing "good job." When she shows me the fifteenth "abstract" painting she's made in a row, I really don't have anything else.

I do try to praise her for trying hard instead of just being awesome, though.

ETA: I also try to thank her for doing things instead of just a general statement. So, something like "Thank you for cleaning your play area. I really appreciate that you didn't complain when you did it."

 The first part made me CH

i also try to use a lot of positive praise for doing things well and being specific so he knows what he did well. But like Star there also is a lot of nagging and correcting. And IMO there are things that just don't work for every kid so you have to figure them out as they come up.

[creamsiclechica]

I'm not sure if I'm qualified to be commenting on this yet, since I'm a FTM and my kid is only 10 months, lol, but I've been reading a few articles about this lately, and trying to incorporate some of these methods now to get in the habit. I always feel myself wanting to yell out "Good Job!" and that's it when A completes a new skill and begins perfecting it. And although she's still really young, I've tried to start myself on making it a different kind of praise, something more like "It's so thoughtful of you to share your paci with the dog," (hahaha) or "You really tried hard to stand!" Maybe it seems silly to be saying things like that now, when she mostly likely isn't taking it all in. However, maybe starting it now will make it easier for her to understand later and me and DH to take a serious approach with. Does that make sense at all?

[devotchka]

I've read the research on the idea that praise makes kids try less because they feel like they are told they are good at everything (and as a result, they aren't as good at things anymore that they might have actually been good at!) and it makes total sense to me. In fact, I feel like I can relate. When I was 8 or 9, I was a pretty prolific little art-making kid. I loved drawing and painting up the wazoo. At school and at family gatherings, adults and sometimes kids too used to tell me all the time "you are a great artist" - which always really surprised me. I was always thinking - I'm just a kid, how can I be a "great artist"?

It's interesting, because it really sticks out in my head. It's sooo ingrained in our US culture to talk like this though, it's a difficult habit to get out of. I find myself telling M that he is doing a great job all the time too, it's ridiculous, but it's so hard not to!

[tuck]

Cream, I think it's awesome that you are starting so young! This way you'll already be in the habit and it won't be hard our feel forced even she's older.

[tuck]

Regarding being a great artist: holden refers to herself as holden the artist and talks about how she is a great artist all the time. Her idea of a great artist is someone who really loves to make art, so in that sense, she is. We just roll with it.

[devotchka]

Jan 26, 2013 1:31:28 GMT -5 tuck said:

Regarding being a great artist: holden refers to herself as holden the artist and talks about how she is a great artist all the time. Her idea of a great artist is someone who really loves to make art, so in that sense, she is. We just roll with it.

That's so cute and funny!!! I think when I was 8 or 9 I just thought people were faking it and just saying that to be nice (or being "phoney" - ok I'll stop it with the lame Catcher in the Rye puns ) ---I guess I was kind of a pessimistic kid? Or just mistrusting? LOL

[devonpow]

There s a great book called "Nurture Shock" that addresses this, as well as a few other interesting concepts (like how attempting to raise your children "color blind" actually can have the opposite effect, an interesting chapter on children lying, etc)..... I try very hard to praise the effort... "I like how you kept trying until you figured it ou", etc., but it's easy to forget.

[EnchantedSoul]

Everyone sounds like they are doing lovely. I've always worked with very young children and can remember the big push for praise and building resiliency in young children. When I worked in daycare, the company I worked for were pioneers in the resiliency project.

We were taught to use positive statements ie telling the child what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do. In my current line of work, we build off of the child's strengths to get them to behave in other domains of their lives.

For many, many people, this is not a natural way of parenting. I'm very thankful for the experiences my jobs had given me early on. I'm confident that this knowledge has made me a more effective parent. My 7 yr old is well behaved (for the most part), he is courteous, emotionally well balanced and capable of expressing himself in a pro social manner. We constantly get praise from strangers when we are out in public. I guess other folks have children that behave like hoodlums in public.

Anyhow, it can be a fine line. I understand people who do not want to over praise their children and some who don't want to praise at all. Many of my clients parents feel like the child she do as they're told without any kind of reinforcement. I respect that and for some children, this works. Others, not so much.

Some of the therapists that I work with, have the worst kids. Some of them refuse to correct their children or require them to behave in public because they are stifling them. Personally, I feel as if they are doing their children a disservice. The world as a whole, will not cater to their children and I feel it is important for people to be able to function appropriately in society.

I guess I've said my piece Thanks Biblio for sharing the article.


Sent from my iPad using ProBoards app

[kdrake8]

Wow, I'm glad I read this! Thanks for sharing those articles - and the experiences too. That's something I have never even considered yet.

Cream, you're such a natural mom! I would never think to do this on my own! I will start now though

Thanks for being inspiring, beautiful ladies!

[vthokie]

I try to do this with A. I took a class on praising students in a similar way, so I try and do this with my kids at school ("good thinking!" "I see what you are saying" and all that jazz), and carry it over at home. With A, I just try and name what she is doing. "Nice standing!" "Thank you for sharing" "What a good jumper!" Don't get me wrong...there are definitely some good girl's in there, but I'm trying to work on it. I think as she starts to do more things it's a bit easier to specify her actions over just generalized praising.

[mamasaurus]

I would agree that "good job" by itself is empty praise. I usually use it with other stuff, like, "Good job opening the box." I mean, she will sit there for ten minutes trying to open things, and she works on it until she gets it. She DOES do a good job. It also isn't the only way I praise her. I also say things like, "Look at that! You figured out the new cup," or "You're working so hard! You can pull up! You can do it!" I guess that's more encouragement, though. I guess I shouldn't be telling her she's strong or smart, either, according to them, but it's not like those are the only things I say, or like I say them to her all day. There is such a thing as moderation.

Anyhow, she loves it when I clap and smile when she does something, and I'm not cutting it out just because she may or may not have control over the thing she just did. I mean, walking for the first time has more to do with instinct than skill, but you bet I am going to get excited with her when she does it. I am not going to say, "Strong effort! Your persistence has paid off, little one. Now try to walk with compassion."

I think not putting your kid down is a bigger deal. I don't think people are trash-talking their babies, but I know I have seen parents of 2 and 3 year olds tell them in public that they are being little jerks or little idiots, or say, "Oh, COME ON!" when they are slow doing something like putting on a jacket. Maybe it's easy for me to say because I don't  have a child that age, but I don't plan to publicly embarrass Babysaurus for not being good at dressing herself before she even hits kindergarten.

[kandrze1]

Jan 26, 2013 9:42:54 GMT -5 vthokie said:

I try to do this with A. I took a class on praising students in a similar way, so I try and do this with my kids at school ("good thinking!" "I see what you are saying" and all that jazz), and carry it over at home. With A, I just try and name what she is doing. "Nice standing!" "Thank you for sharing" "What a good jumper!" Don't get me wrong...there are definitely some good girl's in there, but I'm trying to work on it. I think as she starts to do more things it's a bit easier to specify her actions over just generalized praising.

Same here. I try really hard to give specific praise to my students instead of saying "good job" fifty million times a day, so I try to apply the same to praising Em. I have to remind myself sometimes, but it's something I try to keep in mind.

[fusion]

Jan 26, 2013 6:53:52 GMT -5 devonpow said:

There s a great book called "Nurture Shock" that addresses this, as well as a few other interesting concepts (like how attempting to raise your children "color blind" actually can have the opposite effect, an interesting chapter on children lying, etc)..... I try very hard to praise the effort... "I like how you kept trying until you figured it ou", etc., but it's easy to forget.

oo it's only $2.99 on kindle. Thanks for the rec!

[TrudyCampbell]

Jan 26, 2013 6:53:52 GMT -5 devonpow said:

Devon that book sounds interesting, thanks!