Article: Planning wedding before you have a groom

[Deleted]

Well, this is special:

Married to the Plan. Still Looking for a Possible Groom.
By ALYSON KRUEGER

Kate Owens, a 34-year-old project manager for I.B.M. who lives in Clifton Park, N.Y., had planned her wedding for more than a decade before marrying last June.

She began planning in her 20s as a single woman with no boyfriend and no prospects. She watched as her friends were getting engaged and sending photos of dresses and rings. She began daydreaming, looking regularly over the next 10 years at the Maggie Sottero bridal collectiononline and the Dessy Group Web site.

Ms. Owens did not know if she would ever meet someone and settle down. Still, she printed pictures of hairstyles, flower arrangements and ring settings she found online. She looked up locations like Birch Hill, a serene farm outside Albany, and found a wedding planner, Shannon Whitney, who agreed to speak to her even though she didn’t have a ring.

“I had it all planned out,” Ms. Owens said. “Just in case.”

And she said almost every plan became reality, from the bridesmaids dresses to the outdoor wedding. “The big joke at our wedding was that I had booked the band nine years in advance,” Ms. Owens said. “I had gone up to them one night at a bar in 2003 and said: ‘I love you guys. I don’t have a groom yet, but when I find one will you play my wedding?’ They said yes that day and honored that commitment.”

Ms. Owens is hardly the only woman (or man, although wedding experts said it is usually the woman) searching the Internet to plan a nonexistent wedding.

Weddingbee, a site that sponsors forums for users to discuss all wedding topics, reports that in 2012, 14,974 members identified themselves as not yet engaged.

Anja Winikka, the director of TheKnot.com, said 40 percent of 20,000 brides it questioned in 2011 revealed they visited the site, whether they had a boyfriend or not, before becoming engaged. Thirteen percent created profiles, which means a “highly engaged person,” Ms. Winikka said. “You get a checklist and your planner and your budget tool, so they could have been playing around with numbers.”

Pinterest, a site where users can create virtual bulletin boards by “pinning” their favorite items, is imbued with wedding-themed boards with titles like “Yeah I’m single and...?;-),” “Someday my prince will come,” and “I want to get married. 2018?”

Claudia Hanlin, the founder of the Wedding Library, a boutique location in New York where couples can research vendors, said that one could look at Pinterest “and realize that there are far more people pinning pictures of weddings than there could possibly ever be brides.”

Single women, it would seem, have dreamed of their weddings as long as fairy tales have existed.

“By being obsessed with your fantasy wedding, it gives you hope that you are going to find your dream guy,” said Tatiana Byron, the owner ofthe Wedding Salon, a company that runs wedding trade shows.

The Internet has made it easier to plan and plot weddings in private. “I think women love the anonymity of visiting a wedding site instead of buying a magazine and having it anywhere in sight of your boyfriend or a guy you are dating,” Ms. Winikka said.

Many of these sites also provide an important forum for these women to communicate anonymously, something that may make them feel validated and encouraged. TheKnot.com, for example, has a “not yet engaged section,” where users message at length about whether it is appropriate for singles to go ring shopping.

But the Web’s influence on single wedding planning may go even deeper, said Ms. Whitney, who also runs Wedding Planning Plus, her own company. As single women see endless photos of weddings on Facebook and seemingly infinite ideas for wedding cakes, dresses, canapés, lighting, dance floor shapes and other details on wedding blogs like Style Me Pretty, Bridal Snob and Ruffled, the images become eye candy.

“When you watch a lot of commercials on television, all of a sudden you want that product, and you don’t know why you want that product, but it’s because you’ve seen that commercial 10 times,” Ms. Whitney said. “It’s the same with weddings. It’s just the way our brain works. We’re just programmed to want what we see and what’s around us.”

A desire to get every detail perfect inspired Caroline Royce, a 24-year-old freelance graphic designer in Minneapolis, to plan her wedding since she was 18, spending endless hours online. “I think that planning before I get engaged is just practical,” said Ms. Royce, who did not have a boyfriend when she began her research. “You can explore all these options before you ever have to, and by the time you get engaged, you already have a good idea about what you want.”

Pamela Prindle, 26, who has no boyfriend and who works in the accounting department of the Angel Fire resort in New Mexico, gave similar reasons for spending “a good portion of her day” on her Pinterest board titled “I’m single but still planning my wedding.”

“I have friends who aren’t really pinners, and they had their weddings, and it was the last day, and they still don’t know what they wanted,” she said. She, on the other hand, already has firm ideas for her wedding, displayed on her board, including napkins with favorite song lyrics written on them and a particular dress style. “I’m a very picky person when it comes to that,” she said.

It’s helpful, Ms. Byron said, if the bride has a clear idea of her wedding needs. “It’s much easier to give the bride what she wants because I know what she wants,” she said.

But there is also a downside.

First, what some single women imagine may not be feasible and may actually be a waste of effort. “What brides don’t realize is while you might want a pumpkin soup, if you’re getting married in Miami in February the chef might say, ‘I know you love pumpkin soup, but it’s not in season right now,’ ” Ms. Byron said.

Even Ms. Owens recognizes that many of her plans, like the dress she picked out, didn’t make sense once she actually married. “When I went to go pick out my dress, all the Maggie Sottero dresses were so heavy,” she said, “and I thought, ‘Summer wedding in June, I can’t do that.’ ”

Another problem is the not-quite-bride is not taking into account a future partner and what his needs and considerations might be, Ms. Byron said. “Even though you have all these ideas and you’ve done your homework and you are prepared as a single girl,” she said, “you have to understand that marriage is a union and you have to take your other half into consideration.”

Ms. Prindle, for example, said that if she met someone she wanted to marry, she doesn’t think his input would matter. “I figure, this is what it’s going to be,” she said.

Ms. Owens said that once she was engaged, her fiancé, Shawn Owens, was initially frustrated “because he’s like, ‘This is not your wedding, this is our wedding.’ ”

But Mr. Owens, 34, said he didn’t fret. “I knew she would listen to my ideas and do her best to incorporate me — and us — into the planning, and she did,” he said. “And as time went on, the fact she had so much planning done ahead of time, I realized how low-stress this planning process was going to be on me, and us. It freed up a lot of time and anxiety so that the result was we could better enjoy the excitement and each other’s company leading up to our big day.”

For some, it may present an obstacle in finding and keeping a partner, said Lisa Morse, a clinical psychologist in Manhattan whose clients include many single women. “Finding somebody who wants to be plugged into your life exactly the way it is, and all the choices you’ve made, is not so easy,” she said.

Some would say planning so far ahead is the definition of putting the cart before the horse.

“I think for anybody it’s much easier to plan a wedding than it is to form a meaningful relationship that is going to lead to a fulfilling marriage,” Dr. Morse said. “And so I think for some people this becomes a way of taking away their anxiety or refocusing their anxiety away from their real concern, which is meeting somebody.”

www.nytimes.com/2013/01/27/fashion/weddings/planning-a-wedding-while-still-looking-for-a-groom-field-notes.html?smid=tw-share&pagewanted=all&pagewanted=print

[Deleted]

I think it's funny that they mentioned NYE on The Knot. That board had some crazy bitches back when I first found The Knot, so much drama, not much wedding planning.

[Kore]

Maggie Sottero & Dessy? She really did start planning 10 years ago.

[Deleted]

I have a few friends who pin wedding, baby, and child related things all the time on Pinterest. Some are single and some are in a relationship but not engaged or pregnant. I guess it never bothered me although I tend to unfollow all wedding related pinboards because I just don't care.

Getting an account on the Knot and actually booking vendors is a whole other level.

[mbcdefg]

That certainly won't scare a guy off.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 10:09:09 GMT -5 Kore said:

Maggie Sottero & Dessy? She really did start planning 10 years ago.

[steph96]

Talking to a wedding planner before even dating someone is a completely different level of crazy.

I always wonder if these wedding/marriage crazy people are more likely to settle with the wrong guy just so they can finally achieve their goal.

[fuddyduddy]

Jan 27, 2013 12:11:04 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

That certainly won't scare a guy off.

Yeah, I'm kind of amazed someone married her (the woman mentioned in the article) knowing how neurotic she was about wedding planning.  

[twodogsandababy]

I hated planning my wedding. Everything about it. I ended up loving it, but the actual planning part was just so tedious. I will definitely never be doing that again.

[missajane]

Jan 27, 2013 10:09:09 GMT -5 Kore said:

Maggie Sottero & Dessy? She really did start planning 10 years ago.

I wore a Maggie Sottero.  7 years ago this July.  *flips hair and saunters away*  

[Deleted]

This woman should meet my mom.

After H and I got engaged, my mom sent me an envelope of things she'd saved over the years - pictures of dresses, invitations, programs, etc. One of the programs was from when I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Why was my mom planning my wedding since I was TWELVE?

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 12:51:36 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

This woman should meet my mom.

After H and I got engaged, my mom sent me an envelope of things she'd saved over the years - pictures of dresses, invitations, programs, etc. One of the programs was from when I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Why was my mom planning my wedding since I was TWELVE?

LOL

My mom didn't plan my wedding, but from about junior high she started buying things for my future home. By the time I moved to college at 17 I had every basic thing you would need in a house. I had full sets of dishes, linens, etc. It was all stuff she had bought on clearance, estate sales, antique shops, etc. A lot of my kitchen stuff is old school, vintage Pyrex and stuff. I don't know if she was trying to make it easier on me, or make it easier to get rid of me. lol

[Awkward]

LOL. Ok, I'll confess to having a wedding board on pinterest and perusing wedding dress sites. But I think there's a big difference between browsing for fun and actually choosing which styles and venues you want. My board is full of cutesy wootsey details and grand looking mansions, which is completely different from what I see my wedding to SO being, should we get there. I think it's weird to say that a single or married woman shouldn't even view wedding things.

I may do a lot of things, but never have I ever posted on NEY, used the checklist, budget calculator, or researched local venues. I need to draw the line somewhere.

[mskitkat]

I'm guilty of having a baby pinboard, even though I'm not pregnant. I find that hyper planning non-real things is very soothing for me. It takes my mind off real life problems I can't control. So, planning a nursery takes my mind off my utter terror of TTC, you know? I'd imagine it's something like that.

[sillygoosegirl]

The only thing I had in mind for my wedding before I met DH was Star Wars music for the recessional. Fortunately, he is a geek too.

Though I suppose if I'd ever really stopped to think about it, which I didn't, I would have known I wanted a wedding similar to those that I'd already seen in my family... only without the Catholic priest...

[lilibet]

Jan 27, 2013 13:02:04 GMT -5 Awkward said:

LOL. Ok, I'll confess to having a wedding board on pinterest and perusing wedding dress sites. But I think there's a big difference between browsing for fun and actually choosing which styles and venues you want. My board is full of cutesy wootsey details and grand looking mansions, which is completely different from what I see my wedding to SO being, should we get there. I think it's weird to say that a single or married woman shouldn't even view wedding things.

I think the looking part is ok, the girl in the article lost me when she got a wedding planner. That said I never really thought about my wedding much other than a period where I was sketching fashion ideas and sketched a dress. My actual dress many years later was similar to that sketch.

I do have a baby board on pinterest but it is a hidden board and we are ttc. I'm with the pp who finds planning stuff, or at least thinking ahead, soothing.

[regina22]

How is this different than the people who pin fabulous designed rooms of mansions, when they rent a one bedroom apartment and make less than $25k a year? Sometimes it's fun to fantasize. And getting married some day is probably more of a likelihood than winning the lottery and having a $10M home in the hamptons to decorate.

I agree, it's a problem if they rush into marriage too soon,because all they're thinking about is a fantasy day, not the realty of being married, but that's not really my problem.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 12:51:36 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

This woman should meet my mom.

After H and I got engaged, my mom sent me an envelope of things she'd saved over the years - pictures of dresses, invitations, programs, etc. One of the programs was from when I was TWELVE YEARS OLD. Why was my mom planning my wedding since I was TWELVE?

My mom had been saving invitations, etc. since forever too. I think one was my cousin's wedding from when I was also 12!

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 14:08:47 GMT -5 regina22 said:

How is this different than the people who pin fabulous designed rooms of mansions, when they rent a one bedroom apartment and make less than $25k a year? Sometimes it's fun to fantasize. And getting married some day is probably more of a likelihood than winning the lottery and having a $10M home in the hamptons to decorate.

I don't think anyone is up in arms about single people making pin boards. It's the people who are booking vendors and buying stuff.

I would give someone who rents a one bedroom apartment the side eye too if they started interviewing builders, asking real estate agents for home tours, or buying fixtures for their someday dream home that they can't use right now.

[drloretta]

I see no problem with it.

A friend had an idea journal well before Pinterest, and would cut out pictures from magazines of everything from wedding dresses to dream living rooms.

And having lived close to Annapolis, I've heard many a story of women who booked the USNA chapel 4 years in advance of their graduation and just planned to have a man by then.

[mbcdefg]

Pinning and looking around before being engaged is fine.

Booking a band and hiring a planner is nuts.

[Deleted]

This is my future SIL to a tee. Now that they are engaged, it's game on in a kind of scary and intense way, because she has spent years planning out several different dream wedding scenarios. The problem is that her view of a "normal" wedding has become warped by boards on Pinterest. If every single thing isn't unique and individual and doesn't scream "this is so us!!!!" It's not worth it to her. So every step of the process is becoming more involved and detailed.

[Deleted]

Also I will say I think things like Pinterest have taken this whole process a step further. Everyone I know used to flip through wedding magazines and say "oh someday, this will be pretty." My future SIL actively searched wedding boards on Pinterest, pinned stuff, posted stuff on my Mom's FB wall, sent us links to wedding stuff she liked, etc.

Like I said she had a few dream scenarios picked out. They got engaged and she has picked one of those scenarios. Something about is different in terms of how active it is, I guess, compared to flipping through a magazine.

But she also informed me the second time we met that she just wanted to get married and have kids, and then told me what names I could not use for a girl, so maybe she is an extreme example haha.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 14:48:24 GMT -5 @mrsbecky07 said:

But she also informed me the second time we met that she just wanted to get married and have kids, and then told me what names I could not use for a girl, so maybe she is an extreme example haha.

[macmars45]

I met a girl in college who was getting a bachelors degree in general ed because she wanted to be a SAHM/W. She had no boyfriend/FI/H or prospects of one at the time. ^o)

I know that's not the same as planning a wedding without a groom, but it's similar. Also, it's still really weird to me even 6 years later.

[Deleted]

Jan 27, 2013 16:50:26 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

I met a girl in college who was getting a bachelors degree in general ed because she wanted to be a SAHM/W. She had no boyfriend/FI/H or prospects of one at the time.

I know that's not the same as planning a wedding without a groom, but it's similar. Also, it's still really weird to me even 6 years later.

Oh yeah there was totally a girl in my sorority who was explicitly in college for her MRS degree. And then she graduated before she met someone so she stayed on to get a Master's. Eyeroll.

At another sorority sister's wedding, I ran into one of the girls from my sorority who I was never really friends with. We just had different circles of friends. She had not seen me in several years. I had moved out of state and was pursuing my Ph.D. at the time and had other interesting, non-relationship-related things going on in my life. Her FIRST words to me that day were, "So, are you engaged yet?" 

I was like  . "No, I am busy pursuing a career right now."

I should mention that I was 23 at this time.

[ladygrey]

I lurked on The Knot for almost two years before DH and I eventually got engaged. I never went as far as booking vendors, but I did a ton of research and picked up on recommendations from local brides. It made the wedding planning process go so smoothly since we had a short engagement (7 months) - I already knew what I liked and who I wanted to book for our wedding.

[raangoli]

Some people are just straight crazy.

[aprilsails]

I created a Knot account a year before our engagement in order to get a questioned answered on P&E about my cousin's bachelorette party planning. I then kept on lurking and started coming up with ideas. DH and I were very committed at the time and had a probable timeline for getting engaged and married so it wasn't like I was overstepping.

[audette]

Jan 27, 2013 13:05:03 GMT -5 @champagna said:

Jan 27, 2013 12:59:09 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

LOL

My mom didn't plan my wedding, but from about junior high she started buying things for my future home. By the time I moved to college at 17 I had every basic thing you would need in a house. I had full sets of dishes, linens, etc. It was all stuff she had bought on clearance, estate sales, antique shops, etc. A lot of my kitchen stuff is old school, vintage Pyrex and stuff. I don't know if she was trying to make it easier on me, or make it easier to get rid of me. lol

Aww, these stories are so cute!

Fwiw, I've started doing this on a smaller scale for my girls. I'm saving certain pieces of jewelry for them and a couple handbags. Just small things. They're only 2 and 7 yrs old. lol.

To me, this type of thing is completely different than planning a wedding out before a groom is even contemplated, though.  It kinda mooshes the concept of a hope chest with the pracaticality of "they're not always going to be under my roof, let's make this easier for everybody when they do head off".

When I left for university, my sister and I ended up renting an off-campus apartment.  It came completely unfurnished.  So our place ended up being a modge-podge of hand-me-downs and garage sale finds from the last month or so before we left for school.  Mom was darn near frantic that whole last month trying to find us everything we'd need.  (of course, mom took it to a whole new level by even creating a spice collection for us to take with us - she found and cleaned a bunch of old teeny bottles/cannisters and then filled them from her spice stash...  mom also wrote a cookbook for us that included all the family favourites, and needed many of those spices) It was very much a scramble, because frankly, neither my sister and I (nor mom and dad) had the money to furnish an empty apartment with completely new items.  I was working 7 days a week that summer trying to save up for university expenses. So we got grandma's old couch, and one of my parents old armchair and some end tables from the 70's at a garage sale, and dishes, etc from several other garage sales, etc.

Most parents can reasonably assume their child will leave home, and that said child will probably have use for some household items.  Not everyone gets married, or if they do, has exactly the type of wedding they might have predicted.  And, a wedding is about more than one person...