Post by hurricanedrunk on Jan 27, 2013 10:13:32 GMT -5
I had a group of high school friends who were pretty close. In the first year of college a couple things went down and we got into a huge fight involving the entire group. Some on one side, some on the other and some in the middle. I was furiously mad at two of the girls and it consumed me. After several run ins and drama I realized it takes a lot of work to be so angry at somebody. I started to make amends, let go and forgive. It was a life lesson for me and I've been good about not finding myself in that situation again. Fast forward several years and I find myself having these same feelings now towards SIL. H & I recently helped her out financially/ loaning her a vehicle when we really weren't in the best place ourselves. At the begin several conditions were agreed upon and most of them had not been met. She wasn't ungrateful just really inconsiderate of our resources and time. We finally have our vehicle back and despite trying I am having a hard letting go of my anger about this.
So do you hold grudges against people? Anyone that you just cannot forgive and let go of the anger towards them?
I do and I been working on it. But I really feel there are thing that just cannot be let go. Any strikes against my family or my marriage is not something that I just can forget ever. So IDK, trying to be less bitter to these people, be "civil"..but other then that, I am careful and limit my contact with these people. Unfortunately it is family, so it makes it very difficult, especially with both sides having kids. It is what it is though.
Post by spunkarella on Jan 27, 2013 10:23:52 GMT -5
I am incapable of holding grudges, even when people have been really shitty and aren't very sorry. I chalk it up to a crappy memory and my tendency to give everyone second and third and fourth chances.
I just can't get myself worked up over something that happened years ago that I can barely remember anyway. It's too much work and I don't see the real benefit.
I am kind of a grudge holder, yeah. But I have an exceptionally long fuse, and a low tolerance for unecessary drama, so I rarely find myself angry enough at people to have a grudge to begin with.
Interestingly, I have found myself more worked up/angry over discussions on this board than anything in real life for the last several years. LOL
No. I forgive quite easily. But I am human of course and certainly can feel resentful at times.
But I have also gotten better about not putting myself in awkward positions. I don't loan money for one. I am happy to gift it if I am in the position to do so.
I've also gotten better about just saying no to things that I would resent--even small things like I don't attend MLM parties-people can guilt me into buying Mary Kay or Pampered Chef or whatever, so I just don't attend and I don't have the annoyance with the friend afterward.
I would recommend distancing yourself from SIL for a little while. The anger will start to dissipate now that the situation is over. And solace yourself with the fact that you learned not to put yourself in the situation again.
Are you angry with her or are you partially angry with yourself, too? But your own admission, you weren't in a position to do this, but you did it anyway. I would imagine there is some "why did I trust her?" going through your head, too.
To answer the question, I try not to hold grudges. Life is too short to waste energy on that. Lesson learned, don't do it again. If you need to distance yourself for awhile to calm down, that is fine.
Yep, I'll never forgive my MIL and BIL/SIL for how they acted toward me when DH and I got engaged and their subsequent actions at the wedding and our first year of marriage. I tolerate them now, but except for the fact that they're DH's family, they would have been cut out a long time ago.
I forgive pretty easily and don't hold grudges, but I will say that someone's past behavior absolutely will influence my attitude toward them in the future. If I am deeply hurt by someone and they don't apologize or recognize that they were hurtful, I just don't have as much to do with them anymore. I don't feel active animosity though, just more of a sense of "They weren't the person I thought they were. Too bad." If circumstances changed and we had the opportunity to grow closer again I wouldn't hold the past against them.
I can only think of 2 people with whom this has happened in my adult life.
Edit: I also recently cut a toxic family member completely out of my life and will never have anything to do with her again. I still wouldn't say that's a grudge, though; I am doing what I need to do for my family and myself.
Yes. I don't actively let it consume me, I just cut them out of my life. I realize this is probably just as unhealthy.
This is me too. One example is I have an old friend I cut out because his drinking was just too much. He still goes into my DWs restaurant and asks about when I'll call him. I don't know how many times she's had to tell him it isn't going to happen.
However, I hate my SIL and I wouldn't care if she got hit by a bus. I think it comes down to the fact that I've never had someone publicly say such nasty things about someone I love. She said some really mean and completely unfounded things about DH. She never apologized and it was pretty much the last straw in terms of cutting off DH's family.
I'm almost disappointed in myself for being so angry about it. I think my anger stems from the fact that she barely knows DH and just married into the family a few years ago, DH has invested a lot of time and money into his family, and she took whatever information BIL gave her and twisted it around and made shit up about my husband. A guy who had done nothing but try to help BIL for years. She basically took a very small and private part of DH's life, made it public, and then proceeded to tear him down... all based on second hand information she received from my mentally unstable BIL.
I can't be under the same roof as her. I've actually considered going to therapy over this because it's not normal to dislike someone this much.
Post by jennistarr1 on Jan 27, 2013 10:46:35 GMT -5
For me, an apology (and honesty) goes a long way. So in those cases, I easily let go of those things.
The things I can think I still hold a grudge for, person never recognized how they hurt me nor apologized. So when things reoccur (as history often repeats itself), I find myself retelling the story of what they did in the past
I just adjust my expectations of the person I the future. I also try to speak up more. MIL was was saying things to each of her kids that was opposite of what was told to her about a certain situation. They were all upset and talking to each other, but not saying anything to her. She started doing it again with DH one day with me there. I called her on it. She has been better ever since. Please note: she usually only did this with one person n the room and no witnesses so he could deny later what she said.
Are you angry with her or are you partially angry with yourself, too? But your own admission, you weren't in a position to do this, but you did it anyway. I would imagine there is some "why did I trust her?" going through your head, too.
To answer the question, I try not to hold grudges. Life is too short to waste energy on that. Lesson learned, don't do it again. If you need to distance yourself for awhile to calm down, that is fine.
I really think you hit the nail on the head here. Part of my anger is at myself and H for thinking we could trust her, I just didn't realize it. And if she does need help in the future we won't feel comfortable providing it for her even if we can afford it. H& I talked at length about it and we're on the same page which is good because he's the one who has to deal with the crying phone calls. We don't see her on a regular basis and won't until things calm down for us.
I hold grudges. I don't think it takes a lot of energy. It isn't like the elementary school drama that takes all your energy. I either just cut ties with that person or if it is someone I have to see, I just never really let down my guard and try to limit contact. I know it isn't healthy, but it's just what I do.
Post by badtzmaru22 on Jan 27, 2013 18:58:36 GMT -5
There are some things my MIL has done that I will never forgive her for, and I don't feel like I have to. I don't let it consume me, but it does prevent me from trusting her completely. I am civil to her and don't cause more drama, but I have to protect myself as well. I don't care what anyone thinks of this. If you knew the details, you'd wonder why we haven't just cut her out entirely.
We invited my husband's friend and his family (wife, 1 yr. old, 2 dogs) to stay with us when they moved here from TX. We told them we were in the process of moving and had to show the condo so we only asked that they keep their stuff picked up and help pay for groceries. They wrecked our condo and ate our food without repurchasing any of it. Their kid broke our wireless router we had bought a month before.
When we got to the new house we told them not to put the animals (we have two dogs as well) in the backyard unattended because we needed to check the fence and we didn't know our neighbors. DH and I had to run an errand and when we came back one of our dogs was trying to climb over the fence and they were inside sleeping. I confronted the husband and he got mad at me for "disrespecting" him so I ended up kicking them out.
I held a grudge for awhile because I felt like we did them a huge favor and were taken advantage of. Now I just realize it's how they are and am glad I no longer have to deal with them.
There are some things that I will never forget and yes at times I do hold it against them. My biggest issue right now is MIL. I am trying to tolerate her but some of the things she has said and done are in the back of my head and I don't think it will ever go away. It's sad, I try not to hold these grudges against her but she turns around and does / says the same things again and it brings back all of these bad feelings.
I don't ever forget anything. I am rarely actively angry about anything for long, but I do keep things in the back of my mind in case I need to use them later.
I forgive pretty easily and don't hold grudges, but I will say that someone's past behavior absolutely will influence my attitude toward them in the future. If I am deeply hurt by someone and they don't apologize or recognize that they were hurtful, I just don't have as much to do with them anymore. I don't feel active animosity though, just more of a sense of "They weren't the person I thought they were. Too bad." If circumstances changed and we had the opportunity to grow closer again I wouldn't hold the past against them.
This is pretty accurate for me too. I think I forgive too easily sometimes, but if people aren't really actively a part of my life I'm not likely to pursue them, even if I'm not angry anymore. I wouldn't call that a grudge, but I guess I wouldn't rush to try to be close to some people again.
I hold grudges. I don't think it takes a lot of energy. It isn't like the elementary school drama that takes all your energy. I either just cut ties with that person or if it is someone I have to see, I just never really let down my guard and try to limit contact. I know it isn't healthy, but it's just what I do.
I don't see how this isn't healthy. To me, what isn't healthy is keeping in contact with toxic people if you don't have to. Cut 'em out!
Yes, I do. I haven't yet learned how to let things go, and it does affect me negatively. I know it is worse for me than it is for the person I don't like. I also have a habit of holding grudges against myself in a way-my mind likes to bring up stupid things I have said or things that I think made me look like an idiot. This is a part of low self-esteem though, and I'm trying to learn to let stuff go.
I joke a bit that my grudge-holding is genetic. My family has practically taken it to an Olympic level. My mom and her 3 siblings all hate each other, and have since childhood, and don't remember why.
Not really. I am still mad at H's uncle for effing up my vacation plans a couple years ago (he manages the schedule for the family beach house, and he double-booked). But really, he's kind of a crappy person and I have no desire to interact with him.
That sounds really bad. I am going to make an effort to be nice to him the next time I see him.