So, a new update on my dad.

[eav2c]

Not really a whole lot to share but I'm in the midst of a minor breakdown and need to vent anyways. So, my dad got out of rehab a week ago and has been staying with my brother and his wife. They had finally kind of stepped up their game which I am thankful for. It has gained me some time to get things figured out for the next step for my dad. Unfortunately, there isn't assisted living that he can afford. Many older adults pay for assisted living by cashing in on their life insurance policies. We were seriously considering doing this since there are no other options. Well, apparently my dad let his life insurance lapse a few years ago. That really makes me sick. I don't care about money or anything but I do care when it could have drastically improved his living conditions and would have helped to afford him the care he deserves. So, for now, assisted living is out of the question. We can still apply for VA benefits but the problem with that is you cannot apply until he has spent one night in the facility. That makes things complicated since he doesn't have the income to pay it nor the savings (we don't either). There is some housing for elderly in our area but the waitlist is at minimum a year. 

I found a senior living community that provides meals and covers all utilities for $1,650. They also come in and clean and give fresh linens every week. What it doesn't have is nurses or people to help give him his medicine but right now it is the only thing that is affordable. Supposedly my dad can barely bathe which makes me wary about moving him into this place but my H and I discussed every option and it is not feasible for my dad to move in with us. Not only do we not have a bathroom he can access (due to stairs) but we don't have a bed for him. Not gonna work. We were supposed to close on Feb. 15th but now they are saying as late as the end of March. We could accommodate him easily at our new house but it's looking like we might have nearly two months till that. 

My brother called me today and said he needs me dad out. Can't do it anymore--it's putting a strain on his marriage and has drained him financially. I have offered numerous times to order and pay for takeout for them and to order supplies and whatever they need off of Amazon and they continually say no. I don't think it's fair to play the "we have no money game" when I am trying to help feed them and make their situation better. I realize what a huge undertaking it is of them. My brother said we "have to" have my dad down here in a WEEK. To get the place for my dad we need a $500 deposit. We have to sell my dad's car to get that money. I got a buyer and guess what... brother convienently hasn't followed through with that. I don't know what he expects from me? I am doing everything in my power to make it work but he pulls the "I'm too busy" card. So, he wants my dad out yesterday but won't go meet some guy for 5 minutes to transfer the title and pick up money? Step one: get the damn money. If my brother cannot do that, I don't know how he expects me to get my dad a place down here in a week or less?!? He also insinuated that my H and I should be willing to give up our house (and savings) for this. Just not happening. I know you all might side eye this but my dad didn't give two shits about when he got old and sick. I'll do whatever I can to help my dad without bending and breaking. My H works too damn hard everyday to provide for us and I'll be damned if anyone expects me to spend what little savings we have and lose this house. Sure, I'll help as much as we can, whether that be financially or whatever, but I cant throw out thousands of dollars for living for my dad when he didn't care at all about his well being when he got older. I mean, we're 25 years old. I don't think any person is equipped at 25 to care for a family and then their elderly father or FIL. I'm not blaming my dad but it's hard to not have a little bit of resentment and anger towards the situation. 

Not really sure what else to add. My dad is doing okay. He called and sang me happy birthday on Saturday and that was the first time he sounded good. Otherwise he is still battling pneumonia and doesn't have his pain killers (Gold Digger took them all). I'm not sure when he can get a refill but he is in pain and can't really get out of bed because of it. My brother said he isn't really eating and is messing his pants daily. It sounds like a really rough situation. I'm hoping to get him into this place soon and he can stay there until we at least get our house and then move him in with us? I don't know. I need to try and get nurses in to help him when he gets down here. I don't know where to begin with that because as of now he has no medicare (my brother never faxed in the documents they needed to start that next month  *-)) and dealing with the VA is rough. 

Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks. <3 You are so appreciated.

[muppetinma]

I've got nothing to say but (hug) (hug2)

[nls0412]

Oh wow, that's a heavy load on your shoulders. I'm sorry. I hope your brother stops being a douche and steps up. He could make this situation easier on both himself and you, while benefiting your dad. I hope he realizes that. I'll continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[spaghetticat]

What's shitty situation. I'm so sorry.

[charlielove]

I've been wondering how things are going. So sweet that he sang Happy Birthday to you. You are really young to be dealing with all of this, but you are doing a damn good job nonetheless.

[erniebufflo]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this!

[eav2c]

Jan 28, 2013 14:11:40 GMT -5 nls0412 said:

Oh wow, that's a heavy load on your shoulders. I'm sorry. I hope your brother stops being a douche and steps up. He could make this situation easier on both himself and you, while benefiting your dad. I hope he realizes that. I'll continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

I told my brother today that it is really short-term that my dad stays with him. My brother will have no obligation at all to my dad when he gets down here, none. He just needs to hang on 30 days. All I need is 30 more days but he won't do it? The Gold Digger drained my dad's account into the negatives. In order to get my dad moved down here without causing too much of a financial burden, I need to have two months of his income (just a small list of things we have to pay for: $1000 community fee, $1,650 for first months rent, a flight, and we need to move his furniture down here). He only has an income of $2,200 a month (but is already down $400 for next month so he will only bring in $1,800). There is no way we can move him down here on $1,800. My brother doesn't get it though. He then started to threaten that he was just gonna move my dad into a facility up north and that my dad "wouldn't be coming down here at all." Sigh.

[Deleted]

Call your husband's HR dept or your insurance company. I know at my job they offer a discount at certain places to help take care of family members even if they are not on your policy. I know your insurance company can be a pita but a discount or a referal to a good afforable nursing company would probably help a lot.

You are a strong girl and a fabulous daughter, this is a lot to take on. (hug)

[EnchantedSoul]

Have you contacted social services or the council on aging? They may not be able to open a case but perhaps they could point you in the right direction.

[eav2c]

Jan 28, 2013 14:17:58 GMT -5 @beth422 said:

Call your husband's HR dept or your insurance company. I know at my job they offer a discount at certain places to help take care of family members even if they are not on your policy. I know your insurance company can be a pita but a discount or a referal to a good afforable nursing company would probably help a lot.

You are a strong girl and a fabulous daughter, this is a lot to take on. (hug)

Oh Beth, you rock! That is great advice. I guess maybe I need to come to grips with things but I don't know that we can do a nursing home. When we looked it was doubly more expensive than assisted living and I guess a part of me wants to believe he doesn't need that... yet? Either way, thank you for the wonderful advice. I'm relaying this message onto my husband now. I'm hoping he will take tomorrow off so we can figure things out and get things a little more more concrete.

[eav2c]

Jan 28, 2013 14:21:17 GMT -5 EnchantedSoul said:

Have you contacted social services or the council on aging? They may not be able to open a case but perhaps they could point you in the right direction.

Yes. They failed me miserably. I called and talked with them 3 times and every time they made it seem like they were definitely gonna open a case for elder abuse and were gonna help us with resources. They did diddly squat. They never even went and interviewed my dad like they said they were! There is feces all over the floors and walls of my dads apartment and I reported all of this to them and the social worker and they still released him from the hospital and rehab. I am shocked they would let someone just go given some of things we reported. It's kind of shocking. The last thing they told me was "contact legal aid."  ^o)

[claralou]

oh Eav. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now. Wish I had something useful for you, but I don't. Big hugs to you. 

[EnchantedSoul]

Jan 28, 2013 14:24:59 GMT -5 eav2c said:

Jan 28, 2013 14:21:17 GMT -5 EnchantedSoul said:

Have you contacted social services or the council on aging? They may not be able to open a case but perhaps they could point you in the right direction.

Yes. They failed me miserably. I called and talked with them 3 times and every time they made it seem like they were definitely gonna open a case for elder abuse and were gonna help us with resources. They did diddly squat. They never even went and interviewed my dad like they said they were! There is feces all over the floors and walls of my dads apartment and I reported all of this to them and the social worker and they still released him from the hospital and rehab. I am shocked they would let someone just go given some of things we reported. It's kind of shocking. The last thing they told me was "contact legal aid." 

Oh wow, they do suck.  What about those agencies where you live?  Have you tried 211?  I think that number for United Way is nationwide?  I'm sorry, I'm out of suggestions at the moment. 

[eav2c]

Jan 28, 2013 14:37:01 GMT -5 EnchantedSoul said:

I will try that!! Ty <3 Any suggestions help!

They do suck and I'm shocked they haven't followed through. I'm sure they are slammed but they gave such false hope.

[dojo]

Jan 28, 2013 14:17:21 GMT -5 eav2c said:

Jan 28, 2013 14:11:40 GMT -5 nls0412 said:

Oh wow, that's a heavy load on your shoulders. I'm sorry. I hope your brother stops being a douche and steps up. He could make this situation easier on both himself and you, while benefiting your dad. I hope he realizes that. I'll continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

I told my brother today that it is really short-term that my dad stays with him. My brother will have no obligation at all to my dad when he gets down here, none. He just needs to hang on 30 days. All I need is 30 more days but he won't do it? The Gold Digger drained my dad's account into the negatives. In order to get my dad moved down here without causing too much of a financial burden, I need to have two months of his income (just a small list of things we have to pay for: $1000 community fee, $1,650 for first months rent, a flight, and we need to move his furniture down here). He only has an income of $2,200 a month (but is already down $400 for next month so he will only bring in $1,800). There is no way we can move him down here on $1,800. My brother doesn't get it though. He then started to threaten that he was just gonna move my dad into a facility up north and that my dad "wouldn't be coming down here at all." Sigh.

Does your brother think that having your dad down there with you is a luxury to you or something?  The way he's speaking it kind of seems like he does!  What is the option up north?  Is it at all feasible?

[rxbeth]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this and I don't think you're being selfish at all by not giving up your house. I think your brother is being selfish by not keeping your Dad for a few months so that you can get things set up appropriately. Have you explained this to your brother? Sorry if I missed it but I'm doing a lot of speed reading.

[eav2c]

Dojo- He really does talk like it is a luxury! My brother has a house and a spare bedroom. I get it's a burden and all but I'm not asking for forever. Perhaps I'm being selfish but it's totally unrealistic to expect me to take my dad given we cannot accommodate his basic needs such as a bathroom he can access but they can! I feel like its a no brainer. There aren't really options up north. Everything is more expensive than here so I cannot fathom him going into a facility up there. I think my brother will send my dad back to his apartment and I think that's fucked up.

[kandrze1]

I'm really sorry you are going through all of this. It's a lot. It's so hard sometimes to deal with siblings and coordinate everything when a parent needs assistance as they get older. I watched my father fight and try to work with his uncooperative siblings for years to help his mom. It's rough. I hope it gets better for everyone in your family soon. 

[carawestt]

I'm sorry you have all this on your plate.

[cat19]

I have felt with the VA and it is rough. I wish there were something that could be done to wake your brother up. Why the hell are you supposed to sacrifice everything and he isn't able to give anything? I want to slap him for you. (((Hugs)))


**crop dusting all y'all since 2011**

[ruby412]

Thank you for updating us and I'm sorry this continue to be a huge struggle for you guys. I just can't even imagine going through what you are dealing with. You are so strong and dealing with very mature issues at such a young age. Hope things start to look up very soon.

[jenbelle]

Jan 28, 2013 14:13:53 GMT -5 charlielove said:

I've been wondering how things are going. So sweet that he sang Happy Birthday to you. You are really young to be dealing with all of this, but you are doing a damn good job nonetheless.

This. you are an awesome daughter.

[Regina Philange]

Whatever you decide to do we are behind you. Sorry you are going through this.

[bean47]

Hugs. I wish I had something helpful to say but know I've been thinking of you and wishing the best.

[Deleted]

I cannot imagine dealing with this at 25. I am so sorry, but you are doing an awesome job navigating this shit storm.

[tuck]

Jan 28, 2013 16:00:50 GMT -5 Regina Philange said:

Whatever you decide to do we are behind you. Sorry you are going through this.

This.

[hass2001]

Jan 28, 2013 14:13:53 GMT -5 charlielove said:

I've been wondering how things are going. So sweet that he sang Happy Birthday to you. You are really young to be dealing with all of this, but you are doing a damn good job nonetheless.

This!! Sorry you are having to deal with all of this. Your brother needs to suck it up. It sounds like you will help when you can get into your new house. For now, your brother needs to do his part.