Ugh. Help me respond please? (OP DDed)

[Deleted]

Hi!

I DDed due to all the personal ranting, but thanks everyone!

[Deleted]

You are not mean but your response kind of led her into combining the trips. If you could only go back in time and respond with, "It sounds like fun but I can't since I am going in late May to visit [best friend] and baby."

Maybe you can try "I don't think that would work out because I would feel bad about you sightseeing alone and not spending enough time with you. ( "

And then text "Let's plan another trip together soon!"

[Deleted]

don't lie.

just be honest and tell her that your husband was already planning on sharing a hotel room and doing his own thing so you're booked for this trip.

if you want to be nice, you can throw her a bone and suggest London for 2014 or some other domestic weekend trip this year.

[callie]

Aren't you staying at your friends house? Just say "That would maybe work if I weren't staying at K's house but all I'm looking to do this trip is spend time with her, the baby, and help around the house."

[audette]

I'd let her know that your husband is likely joining you and sharing a room would not be a good idea.

And then suggest planning a different trip later.

[bunch]

Yuck. Go ahead and book tickets and tell her it's too late?

[callie]

Sounds like that's what you should tell you sister

If she can be overbearing or pushy, there really isn't a delicate way to tell her.

[bunch]

Is it crazy to think she already knew that you'd being going to see your friend and is just trying to be a pain?

[Muddled]

Does she live out of town? I would say something like, "It's not going to work this time, but let's plan something else."

Unless you don't actually want to see her...



eta- I assume she lives in town since you are seeing her for her birthday. I think the response still works though.

[dr.girlfriend]

Yeah, your response doesn't sound like "No thanks" to me. It sounds like, "Hey, how about a week earlier!?"

[bunch]

At least you got it over with. She sounds like a lot of fun.

[anna7602]

Your sister sounds a little like my brother. I just flew back to NY for 4 days and begged out of seeing him with a flat and simple, "I have too much to do, I can't. I'll see you next time." I could have been honest and said, "I am only there for 4 days, will likely be jet-lagged and I'd rather not spend an entire day traveling on NJ Transit to and from your house (since you would rather poke your own eyes out than drive into the city)" but that would have left things open for him to argue and I just wasn't up for that.

Simple and direct is the best way. Her feelings are going to be hurt anyway, but at least she won't be bantering back and forth with you about your choices (maybe?).

Also, I didn't answer your other post, but I think this is a solo trip for sure. There is a lot of appeal in just picking up and going somewhere to focus on what you want to focus on, without spouses or siblings sidetracking you or making you feel like you need to divide your attention.

[boiler717]

Jan 31, 2013 20:08:50 GMT -5 bunch said:

Is it crazy to think she already knew that you'd being going to see your friend and is just trying to be a pain?

This, especially with her follow up response

[morningmania]

I think I would be booking my tickets immediately before anyone else wants to try and tag along on a trip that you really want to go on your own.

[aspentosh]

She sounds like fun

If you're staying at your friend's house, then I really don't think it would make sense for her to come along.

[ECB]

Feb 1, 2013 8:03:34 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

You should say "no, I don't do YOU." Why are you tapdancing around this person? Who cares if she chooses to be upset about it and doesn't talk to you for months, that sounds like a win for you cause she doesn't sound all that fun or pleasant to be around.

This was kind of what I was thinking.

[dexteroni]

I didn't think your first response was misleading, but I can see how an overbearing person would try to use it as a way in. If I were you I wouldn't even reply to her shitty followup.

I know it's only been a couple days, but have you and your DH decided if he's going with you?

[liveintheville]

Do your husband and sister get along? Could you foist them off on each other to sightsee and stay out of your way and not complain?

[Deleted]

Jan 31, 2013 19:57:01 GMT -5 v said:

Jan 31, 2013 19:37:57 GMT -5 callie said:

Aren't you staying at your friends house? Just say "That would maybe work if I weren't staying at K's house but all I'm looking to do this trip is spend time with her, the baby, and help around the house."

I was planning on staying in a hotel unless my friend wanted me to stay with her for whatever reason.

She's welcome to go to London whenever she wants, of course, but I don't see my friend often, want to give her my full attention, and don't need the annoyance of others coming along and complicating plans... You know?

Do you mind sharing a room with her? If it were me I'd just tell her upfront that I'm going there to help my friend and meet her baby, not sight see and have fun. But she's welcome to come along and share a room if she's fine going off on her own during the day and possibly doing her own thing for dinner.

[Muddled]

Jan 31, 2013 21:57:42 GMT -5 v said:

I didn't mean to leave it open! So I guess I have myself to blame.

So I texted her back, and was like "I really think this trip is just going to be about seeing [friend] and helping her out, and I think I'm going to stay at her flat [lie]. How about 2014, or we could go somewhere else after my hearing in October?"

And I got back a passive aggressive "Helping her out? I thought you didn't 'do' babies?"

Sigh. I can't win with her, ever.  (Which is part of the reason why I wouldn't want her there with me, even if we were meant to do different things.  There would be trying to intrude on my plans and/or drama.)

LOL. Tell her it's not about the baby. It's about the fact that your friend has asked you for help so you are going to help.

But actually just ignore her. She sounds like a real peach.

[sweetnsour]

I vote for ignore her otherwise she will keep picking at your responses.

[jennistarr1]

If you don't mind, i would like to come to London with you as well...I've always wanted to go and since you'll be going over there to see your friends baby, I figured now would be the best time to go!

[cilantro]

Ooh...I like playing off milsaroo's response for a reply: "I don't, just trying to do the good friend thing..."

[dexteroni]

Feb 1, 2013 12:09:16 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Feb 1, 2013 10:30:04 GMT -5 v said:

Sadly, I am pretty certain that she's trying to turn this into a "You didn't visit my children enough or help me out enough when I had babies, but you'll fly to London to visit [K] as soon as she has a baby?" thing so I can't engage on that.  She didn't speak to me for six months ago a few years ago when K got married the first time and I mentioned in casual conversation to my sister that K was thinking of having her bachelorette party in Mykonos.  That turned into a "You'd think of going to Mykonos for that but you only see my daughter once a month?" thing that was a six month incident.  And the bachelorette party didn't even end up being in Mykonos.

She's not a terrible person, she just has unfortunate jealousy/competition things.  Particularly with respect to K for some odd reason.

Then let her stop talking to you if that's what she chooses to do. It's not incumbent upon you to manage her expectations regarding what you do, where you vacation, how you spend your time, what friend you choose to help/visit. If she chooses to be jealous and upset, well, good luck with that. You are giving her too much power.

Agree with this 100%.

[jerseyjaybird]

Feb 1, 2013 12:09:16 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

Feb 1, 2013 10:30:04 GMT -5 v said:

Sadly, I am pretty certain that she's trying to turn this into a "You didn't visit my children enough or help me out enough when I had babies, but you'll fly to London to visit [K] as soon as she has a baby?" thing so I can't engage on that.  She didn't speak to me for six months ago a few years ago when K got married the first time and I mentioned in casual conversation to my sister that K was thinking of having her bachelorette party in Mykonos.  That turned into a "You'd think of going to Mykonos for that but you only see my daughter once a month?" thing that was a six month incident.  And the bachelorette party didn't even end up being in Mykonos.

She's not a terrible person, she just has unfortunate jealousy/competition things.  Particularly with respect to K for some odd reason.

Then let her stop talking to you if that's what she chooses to do. It's not incumbent upon you to manage her expectations regarding what you do, where you vacation, how you spend your time, what friend you choose to help/visit. If she chooses to be jealous and upset, well, good luck with that. You are giving her too much power.

This is very good advice.