What do to next w/ my marriage?

[winnied]

*poof*

deleted, because I don't want people responding to a month-old issue today. Thanks for your help!

[vanillacourage]

If you're dancing around the idea of a separation, I'd hope your DH would try marriage counseling even if he wasn't initially sure it would do anything.

Life's too short to feel like shit 5 months out of the year.

[cjeanette]

Feb 13, 2013 10:20:26 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

If you're dancing around the idea of a separation, I'd hope your DH would try marriage counseling even if he wasn't initially sure it would do anything.

Life's too short to feel like shit 5 months out of the year.

This.

It took my H actually moving out for me to agree to counseling.  He has been asking for 3 years.  Not ideal.

[mrshandy]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

What specifically are you fighting about?

If you could wave a magic wand and make whatever changes you wanted to your marriage what would you change?

Are you open to presenting your H with an ultimatum? Counseling or you're out. And then actually following through.

Have you worked with a doctor to treat your SAD ? Have you or your H actually been diagnosed with it?

[shopgirl07]

Which one of you has SAD? Or is it both?

Do all of your issues and fights go away during the nicer months?

[Deleted]

I would definitely see a counselor on your own. They should be able to help you work through if it's SAD, a marriage issues, etc. Hopefully they would help you see all your options. It does concern me that he's not willing to go to counseling.

[winnied]

He's opposed to counseling.

Neither of us have ever been diagnosed with SAD (it's his assumption that's what this is). I have a history of depression but nothing major in almost 10 years.

I don't want a legal separation. I just want something, I guess, where we are apart so we can appreciate each other more? I'm not sure.

We fight over small things. Some examples are, say, I'll ask him to help with something and then it'll seem like he has a problem with it, or a "tone", or is upset about it and vice versa. We seem to always think the other person is being an ass first. This morning we fought because I reminded H he should be working out (he wants me to remind him, he said so) and then he went on about how he doesn't have time because I encouraged him to get this second job (that's honestly like 12 hrs a week, while he's in grad school), and the one physical activity he likes (swimming) is apparently a 3 hr process and if he does that during the day he has to work at night. If he has to work at night he claims I mope about it (I disagree, but who knows) even though he doesn't work at night unless I remind him (again, per his request.)

See? It's such small, stupid things that we practically make up. I don't get it.

[aspentosh]

I agree that life is too short to have this happen for months... every year.

I'd get him to do counseling. It honestly can't hurt, so why wouldn't he try it??

What types of things are you fighting about? Is it just stupid stuff and nit-picking or something that is a big deal?

If it's cold where you are and you're not getting out of the house as much, I get that. I hate being cooped up and not having my space from H. Could you try taking daily walks (bundled up if necessary) to just get out and clear your head.

::hugs:: I actually really like you as a poster and am sad you're dealing with this.

[raangoli]

What is it about counseling that he is opposed to? Maybe even if just you went in for counseling, it might help.

I think mrshandy had a good question - I think you both need to think about what it is you would like to change.

I am sorry you are going through this.

[Deleted]

This is a bad month for MM marriages! I do think the weather makes it harder to be happy. I've been in a giant funk since the holidays and I'm certain it has a lot to do with being cooped up in the house (though that's not the entire issue in my case).

Do you see a counselor? Would you be willing to on your own? If you're contributing to the issues, maybe there is something you can work on yourself to make things better on your end. Specifically, name calling and such is never acceptable behavior IMO and if you're doing it, maybe seeing a counselor to figure out how to stop would help your marriage.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it sucks to have tension and constant fighting in your home. Are you guys really happy the rest of the year?

[winnied]

Neither of us have ever been to counselors (ok, I went once with my mom b/c she was being abusive...) so it's totally new for us. I think he looks at my family (brother and mother see a counselor) and sees failure. He came from a very happy, normal family so I think he worries he'd admit failure if he went to a counselor.

I'm in theory willing to see one on my own but I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. My brother and mother's experiences have colored my opinion of it, too, although I admit that's ridiculous. It's just a hard thing to get over.

I go running every day outside so I'm getting decent outside time, I may just very well be an asshole.

[Deleted]

Going to counseling is NOT failure.

With that said, I haven't found it to be a magic cure either. My limited experiences with counseling have not been life changing, and marriage counseling did not help in my case. I think it's something people owe it to themselves to at least give a shot, though.

I doubt you're an asshole. And a run outside is great, but probably doesn't replace sunshine and fresh air and things to do outdoors the rest of the time. IDK, for me even if I get a little sun, the cold and lack of fresh air really get to me. I just want to sit on the couch all winter and I don't even know if I have "SAD" per se, I just have winter slump issues.

I guess I don't know the right answer, but I would at least give counseling a shot if I were you. I don't read your post and thing "OMG her marriage is over!" but I don't think you sound like you're happy either. There has to be something that can be done to help that KWIM?

[Deleted]

If he truly thinks he has seasonal affective disorder, then he needs to see a doctor because there are things that can be done to treat it. And if it's not actually seasonal affective disorder, then at least you have a starting point.

[SusanBAnthony]

I vote you go to counseling yourself. Seems like a easy first step (maybe not easy for you personally, but easy in terms of not further rocking the boat with your marriage by insisting you h come with you, or separating).

Do you have an EAP at work? If so, they can recommend someone in your area who is covered by your insurance.

I have a friend who is a counselor. She has said jan/feb is absolutely her busiest time of year. Whatever conflict people has, it blows up after holding it together through Christmas, with winter blues thrown in. So you are definitely not alone!

[krisandgrace]

I think DH and I probably fight more in the winter as well. If you think you have SAD what are you doing to help treat it? I hit my worst in February/March every year. I have my d levels checked during the winter; I take 2,000IU daily to get into a normal range. I also have a light therapy box on my desk at work. Both of those things do help

 As for counseling I see a cognitive therapist when I feel like I need help with something. I have found she has helped me learn how to approach things better. For time apart, can you make plans to hang out with a girlfriend one or two nights a week? Sometime I need a break from DH and hanging with a friend for dinner or a stupid movie really helps.

[shopgirl07]

It seems to me that at this point, you're both more worried about appearances and perception that the actual state of your marriage.

You don't want to talk to anyone about it because people think you're a perfect couple and you don't want to go to counseling because that would be seen as a failure.

So what's left? You both don't think the other even wants to be married anymore so I'd say it's time to take some action.

[sweetnsour]

Maybe you can think of one nice thing to do for him a day? Sometimes I think you fake it till you make it. Especially since you guys don't seem to be fighting about anything major. Since you said you have a temper, have you thought of being less reactive. For instance, when he gets a tone, ask him if he is okay instead of getting mad back?

[heygrey]

I have seasonal affective disorder and just getting the right amount of vitamin d in the winter makes a world of difference, my doctor saw no need for counseling or stronger medication unless the vitamins didn't help. And really you don't need a doctor to give you vitamin d, just grab a bottle at the pharmacy and take one everyday. I'm more lethargic and depressed in the winter. I can't imagine how h and I would be if we were both dealing with SAD.

I don't think this is a marriage ender for you, but I would start taking steps on your own to improve yourself. If your h sees a positive change in you hopefully he will follow suite.

[winnied]

Feb 13, 2013 10:58:56 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

It seems to me that at this point, you're both more worried about appearances and perception that the actual state of your marriage.

You don't want to talk to anyone about it because people think you're a perfect couple and you don't want to go to counseling because that would be seen as a failure.

So what's left? You both don't think the other even wants to be married anymore so I'd say it's time to take some action.

If I didn't care about the marriage I wouldn't even fight anymore, I'd just get a divorce. 

I don't want to talk about it to friends/family because I don't want to invite more people into my marriage when they would obviously pick sides. This is common knowledge, I think, that you shouldn't run to your mother/best friend when you have marriage woes.

What's left is that we love each other and made a commitment. I fully realize that marriage has its ups and downs, ranging in duration and the like.

[evans]

I think that you are in a pattern and aren't sure how to break free. Is there something really bothering you that you are saying (or you might not even be aware of)? Because I know that when this happens to DH and me, there is an underlying issue. I find once that is dealt with things start improving.
It sounds like you both have unsure or negative views of counselors. There are some great ones out there so I would give that a try. If you're not ready for that, at least talk to your doctor if you think SAD is a real possibility.

[Deleted]

This might sound kind of weird because I know that this is probably the last thing you want to do right now. But when I feel like this (out of step with DH, irritate at life in general, a little blue because of the weather), I try to bend over backwards to be nice and sweet to him. Compliment him, take (slightly) exaggerated interest in his day and activities, cook his favorites meals, initiate sex often, plan fun things for us to do just the two of us, etc. Basically just making an effort to make him feel loved and appreciated. It has the effect of encouraging him to reciprocate by being nicer and more thoughtful to me which in turn has the effect of making me start to genuinely feel back in step with him. Kind of like a "fake it till you make it" type thing. Does that make any sense? It always works like a charm for me.

[heliocentric]

I'm not clear which of you might have SAD, but please see a doctor and get treatment. Why suffer needlessly?

I'm also not clear how your DH can suggest that YOU seem like you don't want to be married, but then HE refuses to get counseling to help your marriage. You both have work to do here, but it doesn't seem insurmountable if you're both on board.

[winnied]

heygrey, I'd like to give the supplements a shot. How long do they take to work? A week or more? I want to have and idea so that if it's not working I can pursue counseling. 

Thanks for your help and listening, ladies. I very much appreciate it.

I've been trying to do more with our love languages and his is physical touch. The problem is, I don't really want to be cuddly when we're both being assholes, KWIM?

I've been working on being less sensitive with his tone/attitude, he also gets pissed if I even ask things like "are you mad?" or "are we okay?" It's like I have no way of knowing if we're ok because he's a fairly stoic person to begin with.

[kershnic]

Feb 13, 2013 11:18:58 GMT -5 winnied said:

I've been trying to do more with our love languages and his is physical touch. The problem is, I don't really want to be cuddly when we're both being assholes, KWIM?

I've been working on being less sensitive with his tone/attitude, he also gets pissed if I even ask things like "are you mad?" or "are we okay?" It's like I have no way of knowing if we're ok because he's a fairly stoic person to begin with.

You're on the right track with the physical touch, and others have said you just gotta fake it till you make it. Being affectionate makes you want to be affectionate more; having sex makes you want sex more.

You and your husband are really not communicating effectively about what you're each thinking and feeling. A good couples counselor will help you express yourselves more clearly and work on listening to each other. If you each have good underlying communication skills you can do this work yourselves too, but you both have to commit to working on it.

[aspentosh]

Feb 13, 2013 11:36:19 GMT -5 kershnic said:

Feb 13, 2013 11:18:58 GMT -5 winnied said:

I've been trying to do more with our love languages and his is physical touch. The problem is, I don't really want to be cuddly when we're both being assholes, KWIM?

I've been working on being less sensitive with his tone/attitude, he also gets pissed if I even ask things like "are you mad?" or "are we okay?" It's like I have no way of knowing if we're ok because he's a fairly stoic person to begin with.

You're on the right track with the physical touch, and others have said you just gotta fake it till you make it. Being affectionate makes you want to be affectionate more; having sex makes you want sex more.

You and your husband are really not communicating effectively about what you're each thinking and feeling. A good couples counselor will help you express yourselves more clearly and work on listening to each other. If you each have good underlying communication skills you can do this work yourselves too, but you both have to commit to working on it.

Hopefully if you two are loving on each other, there won't be time to be assholes. I know when I am cuddling up to H and we're holding hands, I tend to be less stressed and overall just happier. Less likely to make a snide remark or nitpick. KWIM?

[jerseyjaybird]

Feb 13, 2013 10:51:01 GMT -5 @angryharpy said:

If he truly thinks he has seasonal affective disorder, then he needs to see a doctor because there are things that can be done to treat it. And if it's not actually seasonal affective disorder, then at least you have a starting point.

This. So sorry that you're struggling.

[heygrey]

Easily within a week. I felt better within a couple days, but it continued to improve still. Even now if I forget a few days in a row (and h gently reminds me that I'm crazy, haha), I can notice a difference within a day. It may not be the miracle cure for everyone, but it helps me so much.

[chickens987]

This sounds really cheesy, but I've found it to be really true when we're in a grumpy cycle with each other. We learned it at our pre-marital counseling class:

It takes 5 POSITIVE (not neutral) interactions to negate a single negative interaction
A simple explanation of the difference between a neutral and positive interaction is: "Honey, can you take out the trash"
Neutral: OK/Fine
Positive: Sure/Yes and I will take out the recycling too/etc

So if you guys snip at each other once, you are bound to continue to be grumpy, even if you think you discussed it or whatever. I've actually tested this theory and it seems to be true :)It couldn't hurt to give it a try and see if you both feel a little better.

[Deleted]

You should definitely go see a therapist by yourself if he won't go with you. My opinion is that while some people obviously have more issues than others, life is hard and we all need some outside help from time to time. It doesn't have to be some big intense thing. You might go for 3 visits and get some ideas for communicating better and be good to go.

Good luck!

[hannamaren]

I really think you need to sit down and talk about it.
I told my husband that I didnt think our interactions were positive and that he was forgetting to treat me nice and yes, I had to say the word "divorce" to get him to listen, but he listened. It has been over 6 mths and our lives are so much better.
We had similar issues - nothing turning into fights.
Example "you forgot to preheat the oven"
Me "whatever, I forgot"
Him "why dont youthink? What is wrong with you? Where is your head?" And more mean things. Then I would get upset and it would turn into a big fight.
I reminded him that he would never talk to his friends, coworkers, colleagues or strangers that way and he is supposed to love me the most. I was not innocent in all this.
For the first little while, he had to make an obvious effort not to say mean things or snap, etc. but now it is our habit to be normal, kind to each other.

Also, do his parents have a good marriage? If yes, this is something I use for my H. I will say "would your Dad say this to your Mom?" And it has changed our behaviour.