Its slow, and I have some venting to do (LONG)

[starrieskies]

I feel like shit.  I'm miserable, and I can't shake it.  I find myself drinking (not a lot, but a drink nonetheless) every night.  I can't sleep, I can't concentrate at work, DS has been in rare form lately with his attitude and I feel like he's feeding off my negative energy. (Does that sound stupid??)

I am so ready to be done with my marriage.  I never thought I would say that and be completely at peace with it, but I am.  I spend 90% of the time annoyed with H and the other 10% completely checked out.  I'm paranoid about everything from my cell phone use to what I do on my kindle.  I know he's gone through my phone more than once and read the journal I used to keep, and the only place I know he won't have access to my  browsing history is at work. 

He knows something is "amiss".  I'm sure of it because he actually went through the garbage in my car and started asking me where certain candy wrappers came from...  I'm sure he thinks I'm cheating.  If I move the seat forward to keep DS from putting his shoes all over the back of it, H gets in the car and instantly asks "who was in your car?" 

I want out. I'm done.  Unfortunately I can't for the life of me figure out a way to move my timetable up.  I'm not thrilled with the plan that my mom and I came up with, but I know it will work and I know that it's temporary.  It doesn't have to be ideal, it just has to get us out.  But our timeframe for bringing it all to completion is not flexible at all.

I'm not looking for anything out of this post, I just had to get this off my chest because I'm miserable and my friends are so intertwined with H's friends that I am afraid to say anything to them.  The only one that I can truly talk to without worrying is my bff, and I don't get to talk to her as much as I would like.  I'm just venting, so if you made it through this, thanks.

[fussbucket]

Maybe it's time for another consult with a lawyer and ask, what's the fastest way this can get done and what do I need to make that happen? Because if there's no reconciliation in sight (and thank GOD if that's the case) then that's your new game plan.

It sounds like you're stressed because you feel powerless, but the fact is you're not. Maybe we're just talking studio apartment in two months instead of two-bedroom in six. Is moving in with family for a month or so an option? Talk to people.

[gault]

If you've already gone through this on TIP, I apologize (shitty memory right here)

Is it possible to see a counselor or an EAP person to get another pov and new ideas for moving up your timetable? I know how utterly miserable it is to know your life CAN be better and WILL be better, but to still be stuck in the present. It's horrible and I'm really sorry that you're feeling it.

What you can do in the present that is free is check out some books from your library, or read some articles online that will help you with peace of mind and the anxiety you're feeling. I know it's hard because you feel like you can't bring anything into the house or read articles online etc, but maybe you can read that stuff during your lunch hour. Anything to refocus a bit and feel a bit better until you can move on. I'll come up with some examples.

[starrieskies]

The thing is, right now the plan is to move in with family, but we can't make that happen until summer. I've been over it with my mom a couple of times since our initial discussion and it's just not possible yet.

I've completely written off so many red flags over the course of our relationship. It's humiliating to think of all of the things that I've glossed over. I should have come to this realization a long time ago... Now it feels like it's almost too late. I feel defeated.

Oh, yeah, and I tried to call my therapist to make an emergency appointment for this week and she's on vacation. I'm striking out today.

[smock]

Can you ask your H to move out?

[starrieskies]

I could, but I don't think he'd go. And if he did, he wouldn't help out with the mortgage. I can't afford it on my own. I've crunched a million numbers and I just can't keep the house. TBH, I don't really want it.

[Deleted]

Sorry starries, what about other family or friends? Could they help you out? It makes me seeth that he is reading your personal journal and your browser history. WTF.

[starrieskies]

Unfortunately, the only other family I have in the area is my oldest sister and the only time we talk is when she calls me because she needs money. I refuse to submit DS to her ridiculousness. Everyone else lives out of state. And as I said most of our friends are intertwined. Asking one of "our" friends to help me out puts them in an akward position.

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I got a few hours of good sleep last night and it made a big difference. I was feeling very defeated yesterday and helpless. Today I still feel like the deck is stacked against me, but I realize that if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be worth it.

Thanks for letting me vent. It really helped to get this off my chest. And writing it out helped me kind of organize my thoughts.

[partiallysunny]

When do you plan on leaving again, starries? I can't remember.



I find it hilarious that he know something is "amiss" and thinks it must be because of someone else. Not that he's just a douchbag and you don't want him anymore. There has to be someone else.



Hang in there. You know we'll be here to cheer you on and lift your spirits when you need it.

[Muddled]

Have you made an appt with a lawyer? Do it. It might help you to get through the next few months if you are actively working towards the end goal.

[starrieskies]

Well, I had a response written out twice, but apparently the proboards bear doesn't like me.

PS, I'm planning on leaving this summer. Hopefully closer to June than July.

Muddled, that is a great idea! I am sure that your right. I think I was getting frustrated with feeling like I am stuck. Forward movement will definitely help with that. I got a new referral today, I just need to call and set up an appointment. I wasn't thrilled with the lawyer I met with last time, although I'm sure she would do a good job, I think I want to talk to at least one more.