s/o marriage issues - H doesnt want kids and I do

[7costanza]

I'm mostly a lurker but need some advice. We have been TTC for about six months, and had a m/c the first month trying (january). We also had a surprise pregnancy last April that also ended in a miscarriage. Last night my H told me he isn't sure if he wants kids/is ready for them, and that sometimes he does and sometimes he doesnt. He said his reasons for not wanting a baby are that he likes being able to just do nothing or play video games on his days off, and he couldn't name any reasons why he does want kids. When I suggested stopping TTC he said no because he "already said we could have a baby"

Until my 1st pregnancy I wasn't really sure I wanted kids either, but obviously my feelings have changed. We bought a house in November because my H didnt want to have kids in our condo, and while i agreed i would have been fine staying there if kids werent going to be in our future. I'm not really sure how to process this and just feel really sad today. My parents never wanted kids, and my dad spent 95% of his time at home napping or tinkering with stuff in the garage and I do not want that for my children. I also don't want a marriage like my parents, where my mom was focused on me and my sister and my parents didn't interact much. Maybe this means we don't have kids, I love my H and can't picture leaving him over this.

I guess the obvious next step is counseling, but does anybody have any other suggestions or similar experience?

[hannamarin]

How old are you? Do you have time to think about it? Do friends of yours have kids?

[karinothing]

I think crackhabit brings up a good point.
Also, how has your DH handled your miscarriages? IS it possible that he is just afraid to go through the pain of another loss?

[LoveTrains]

Not wanting kids because "he likes being able to just do nothing or play video games on his days off," are perfectly valid reasons.

I think you need to clarify whether he isn't currently ready or doesn't want them - ever.

didn't emiliemadison leave her first H because he said he wanted kids but then when it came time to TTC said that he lied and never actually wanted kids?

I don't think its wrong to divorce your H if you really do want kids and he really doesn't, because IMO, no one should be forced into having children. I agree that if your H is just going along with it for you, it might be more difficult in the long run.

[downtoearth]

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

I think you don't need couseling until you two have talked more about this. I would just ask him to think about it a little and then talk with you about it next weekend - or whenever it works for both of you. At least he can then really think about how he wants to articulate and not say stupid things like he would rather play video games than raise a kid.

After that, I bet you'll have a better idea of what he means and wants and he might also.

[7costanza]

I'm 27 and he is 28. We've been married for 4 years if that makes a difference.

Good point about the miscarriages, I'm not really sure he dealt with them at all. At our anniversary dinner last night (where this whole thing came up) I asked him what the best and worst thing about the last year was. His worst thing was the process of selling our condo. With the 1st mc, we found out his grandma died within minutes of finding out about the mc so I think it was a lot to process.

[Deleted]

Jun 4, 2012 14:52:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

Yeah, playing video games definitely makes someone an unfit father. ::Eye roll::

Not wanting to give up free time is a valid reason to not want kids. It's one of my reasons currently, along with being unwilling to limit discretionary spending.

28 is still young. If he's not ready but thinks he will be eventually, wait a year or two and re-evaluate..

[7costanza]

Also, I agree that not wanting them ever and not being ready are very different. Thanks for pointing out that i need to clairify what he meant., you guys are absolutely right. We definitely need to talk more about this.

[noodleoo]

It sounds to me like he needs some time to process everything you guys have been through. Maybe take a few months off of TTC and just let it sit. Counseling might help, both to deal with the losses and communicate more about what you want.

I'm sorry for your losses.

[Velvetshady]

Jun 4, 2012 14:52:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

Do you "allow" your DH have have any hobbies or spend any time unattached from your hip? Goodness, who the hell would want to be married to you?

[kangaroo11]

Jun 4, 2012 14:52:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

Well, this baby growing inside me is probably fucked because I love my video games and I'm supposed to be its Mom!

[cjeanette]

Jun 4, 2012 14:52:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

^o)

[Deleted]

I probably would have crossed any gamers off my list, too. As for the OP, hold off on TTC until you figure out if he wants to be married to you or not. Not wanting a baby is often code for something else.

[chessie]

Men handle things differently then women do, he obviously needs more time. You guys are still pretty young and can wait a little bit. Spend some time on each other working on the relationship. Maybe not counseling, maybe at least communication and being honest with each other. The other thing is, people do have the right to change t heir minds, its only human nature..maybe he is afraid of another mc.

[anna7602]

I agree that it sounds like a lot has happened in a short span of time- the pregnancy losses, the condo you sold, the death of his GM. That's a lot to deal with and your H might just be feeling like he doesn't have any control over anything. I would definitely continue to discuss and explore this with him and not rush into assumptions about what this means about your marriage as a whole.

[busybodyk]

I'm not into video games but your DH's reason's for not wanting kids are the same as mine and I do want kids. I think its normal to not want your life to change. I think you got some good suggestions. Talk then give him some time and space.

[aurora]

Jun 4, 2012 14:30:06 GMT -5 7costanza said:

...My parents never wanted kids, and my dad spent 95% of his time at home napping or tinkering with stuff in the garage and I do not want that for my children....

I am sorry to hear about your losses. It sounds like you've had a rough year with two miscarriages, his grandmother's death, buying a house/selling a condo, so I think the others have given good advice on talking and taking some time before making decisions.

I did want to focus in on the one comment I quoted from you. I'm sure that was a really tough experience for you to go through. However, I want to assure you it doesn't always work out that way. My dad has been very open that he was never more than lukewarm about having kids, but once my sister and I were born we've been the center of his universe (in a good way). I would never argue that you should expect him to change, but just because he's not sure he's ready now doesn't mean he won't be in a year or so.

[downtoearth]

Jun 4, 2012 15:10:55 GMT -5 cjeanette said:

Jun 4, 2012 14:52:31 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I totally side-eye the video-games-on-days-off comment. What do you two do on your days off together? But if my DH played video games I wouldn't be with him, so I'm the wrong person to know if that means he's not Dad material.

LOL - that was totally a little off on what I meant. I meant that as a joke. Ha ha - and meant to put a emoticon after.

I just meant that it sounded like your DH was trying to process what he wants and needed more time and that it probably wasn't actually about video games so much as a bigger picture issue he was trying to work through but couldn't articulate without a little more thought.

[7costanza]

Thank you, everyone! We have a lot to talk about and work through, and I really appreciate all the suggestions and input.

[Deleted]

Perhaps the 2 miscarriages were too much for him to handle?

My SIL had one and when she got pregnant a second time her and my brother decided if she had another (luckily she didn't) they would stop trying because neither of them wanted to keep going through that pain.

[bqbride]

Jun 4, 2012 14:51:24 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

I don't think its wrong to divorce your H if you really do want kids and he really doesn't, because IMO, no one should be forced into having children. I agree that if your H is just going along with it for you, it might be more difficult in the long run.

As a person who absolutely does not (and has not) ever want kids, I totally agree with this. It's just not something you can negotiate. You either want to be a parent or you don't. No one who wants to should be deprived of the opportunity, and someone who doesn't want to should never be forced or guilted into it.

I was 1,000% clear with DH before marriage that I ABSOLUTELY did not want kids, and that he should NOT marry me if he thought he EVER MIGHT want them. If he changed his mind, we would split up so he could find someone to procreate with. It's that important.