How does your husband/partner feel in all this?

[pisces6226]

Hi Ladies! I've been lurking for about a month or two on the board and I thought you might have some insight. I've been off bc since November. We are on cycle 2 of trying to get pregnant. I read TCOYF and felt overwhelmed with temping so I wanted to start with fertility friend just telling me a rough fertility window based on period history (I'm aware this is not really an indicator of when I ovulate). So, the goal this cycle was to just have sex as many days as possible during the week it flagged (this last week). The beginning of the week we managed every day and by the end of the week we aimed for every other day. Closing out the window Sunday and Monday my husband wasn't into it and couldn't finish. This hasn't really been a problem in the past.

He said he was feeling like there was too much pressure to perform because he can feel my energy about wanting to get pregnant/being afraid it will take a long time. I was venting this weekend that I'm a little wigged out that I don't like how little control I feel over this process. Even if we get it all right, things still might not work out that month. I didn't think that sharing my fears of not getting pregnant would turn into pressure to perform on his end this soon. What's going to happen if 6 months goes by? 

I think I'll be flipping back through TCOYF and starting with OPK's next month. At least there will be more sense of control and not just throwing darts at the wall. 

Have any of your husbands/partners expressed their own fears concerns about trying to get pregnant? Has your energy about temping, tracking periods, fertility windows affected them? I guess I was so wrapped up in my own bubble that I didn't stop to think about how he was feeling about it. I just assumed he was fine.

[vmars]

You shouldn't be putting so much pressure on yourself and DH to have sex if you aren't in the mood/he's not in the mood. We can have sex every day but then we get exhausted quickly. It's better to just relax a little and not worry if you didn't have sex for 2 days when you think you may be fertile.

Also, Temping and opks will help focus your efforts to have sex during the right time of the month instead of when an Internet app thinks you could be fertile. FF doesn't know when you are going to ovulate and it has been wrong 2 out of 3 times I've used it predicting my fertile time.

[annabear07]

At the beginning DH didn't want to really analyze anything with me because I didn't want to feel the pressure of sex with a purpose all the time. We are now in cycle 5 of trying and he has really embraced my need for data. I temp and chart and keep him updated with how it's looking. I had him look over my charts with me to show him what a good cycle and not so good cycle look like. I think he appreciated that insite and figured out that I just want to do what I can to help the uncontrollable along.

I hear you on loosing energy neat the end of the fertile window. This is why I temp, so I make sure that our energy is wisely spent and then we can relax and just have sex when the mood hits us otherwise. It can seem intimidating at first but temping for me is really freeing. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!

[HoneySpider]

DH didn't want the pressure in the beginning so we decided to "just have fun with it" for a few months and try and have sex more often. After maybe 3 cycles I started charting/using OPKs/temping and for the most part, I kept that to myself...didn't see the need to add stress for him because it already felt stressful enough for me. He did know general stuff, like when I was o'ing and such, and he was invested, but obsessing over every little detail with me wouldn't have been helpful.

After several cycles with nothing happening, I decided to call my obgyn and set up an infertility consult to start exploring if there was an issue. They couldn't get me in for a few weeks so in the meantime we had one last shot at it happening naturally. At that point I knew what was going on with my body and I wasn't temping or even really charting (sort of half-assing it), just using OPKs. Sure enough, that last cycle I got a BFP.

I think that it's good to know what's going on with your body but you can get to a point where you are stressing too much about it, especially if your cycle is regular and you pretty much know what's going to happen.

[thoseareradishes]

The degree to which temping is a pain in the ass varies for everyone. In theory, it is very simple- wake up, temp, put in FF. But in reality, there are the issues with waking during the night and getting 3 hours of sleep vs temping at the same time, obsessing over chart, etc. I think I have temped 8 of my 11 cycles, and I hate doing it but it really helps me understand my cycle and get our timing better. I think it is worth doing for at least 3 or 4 cycles to figure out your cycle patterns.

As for my H, he doesn't mind me charting. I'm at the time of month where I am worrying about getting our timing right, because we are EOD people during my fertile week, so I want to make sure we cover most of my fertile-ness. I try not to talk to him too much about it. Some guys don't like the pressure, which is understandable. Maybe try for EOD or 2 on, 1 off or something like that, to take some of the pressure off him. Also try to initiate throughout the month, so he doesn't feel like you just want to go at it when you are fertile.

Good luck and welcome!

[Deleted]

I think it might be easier to do EOD instead of ED. Also, if you have been off bc for just a few months, your cycles may not have adjusted yet to even predict the fertile window. I think you should start temping and maybe use opks. If you get a positive, then you can try ED. I was so stressed and anxious the first month. My H really wants a baby but during BD, he's just in the moment I guess. Maybe try to put less pressure on him by spicing things up like it's just not for ttc.

[pisces6226]

It's interesting that sex with a purpose has been more exciting for me and stressful for him. I've more into it than I usually am and I thought that would make it better for him. I guess all of my initiating and excitement is coming across as pressure/anxiety. I'll try to keep initiating frequently next month so he doesn't notice a shift. And not telling him when I think the fertile time is. It's interesting how your perspective on sex changes when you're hoping to get pregnant. I appreciate your comments ladies and I suppose this was a good lesson to learn. Next month will be different!

[Cricket0619]

I don't think at the beginning my H fully understood what all goes into ttc. Now that it's been 5 cycles he has been more interested and asking questions. I have explained the opks, EWCM, and a fertility monitor to him now and he kind of gets it. It has been stressful the months that I wasn't sure when or if I ovulated because it seemed like there was a lot of guessing even though I was using opks. This month wasn't as stressful because I felt more on top of things and O was easier to detect then other months.

[simpsongal]

It sounds like you overdid it a bit. DH felt overwhelmed by the information at first but he's more interested now that we're on cycle 4.

TTC sex is the worst, for both of us. The lack of lube is awful and it always feels compulsory. Ditto OPs - try EOD and use OPKs for more accurate information. I've been off BCP for 5 months and noticed far more pronounced signals this cycle than any other (CM, mood swings, acne ). Sometimes it takes time for the body to adjust.

ETA: I've found you can allay a lot of concerns about the future of your relationship and sex life by having a good time during the luteal phase (when the pressure is off and it's all about fun).

[Jalapeñomel]

DH still thinks that we will just get PG even after a long time. I think he really worries that our sex life will be just about baby, not about anything else, and I think that´s a legitimate concern. He also worries that our relationship will just become about baby and not us anymore.

[belovedbride07]

DH is about as "into" the whole TTC process as I am. We charted to avoid for several years, so we were both used to temping and analyzing my charts. We both get burned out when we have lots of compulsory FW sex, but we're pretty open about it and make it work.

[awick14]

I temp and such but I keep things to myself. DH is more relaxed about it then I am and he doesn't want to know much about my charts.

I also don't tell him when my FW is I just try and initiate then. (I try an initiate throughout the month as well so it's not so obvious)

[aliciar6]

DH is reallly great about wanting to know as much as possible about TTC. So when I read TCOYF he asked a lot of questions and he learned a lot of things in the process. For us, since I have so many anovulatory cycles we don't really get that focused on a particular week where I might be ovulating. I think that helps keep a lot of the pressure off of either of us. The other thing that is helping is we both have always been "want to do it every day" people so sex never has that compulsory aspect to it. That may change the longer we are together or after having a child.

Initially he thought as soon as I went off BC I'd be pregnant, he didn't know that even if all is working properly and everything timed right, there is still only about a 20% chance of pregnancy. He's also an engineer and loves details and planning so me keeping him in the loop about everything seems to work better for us.

[Deleted]

I'm trying to not put pressure on either of us in this process. DH is totally into ttc. He is actually more excited then I am. He understands that I use OPKs to get an estimate day of ovulation. He was disappointed when I told him my doctor told me we should only have sex once every 24 hours during my "fertile period" lol. He's excited to become a dad so I don't think he minds all the ttc talks and vents I throw at him.