Feeling anxious about changing relationships with parents

[7costanza]

I am really nervous about how my relationship with my mom and In laws is going to change when the baby gets here. Especially my in laws, I've posted recently about how weird they are - my MIL said my baby already had a "hard on" and my FIL gave me the creepiest belly rub ever - and I'm so worried they are going to want to be at our house all the time. I have a hard time thinking of what to say in the moment when they are weird and inappropriate, and want to work on this before I deliver but don't know where to start. My H and I also need to talk about how to tell people it's time to leave when one or both of us has had enough. They were at our house for 4 hours a few weeks ago to help my H fix a leaking toilet, which was about 3.5 hours too long.

My mom keeps telling me how I'm going to feel when I see the baby, what he's going to be like, how much she hates how some pregnant women walk, how babies shouldn't use pacifiers, and on and on. At least with her I feel more comfortable telling her to back off but the constant judgemental attitude is wearing. I can only imagine how much worse its going to get.

This turned into kind of a vent but how did your relationship with your parents and in laws change? And do you have any tips for helping me be better at speaking up (and just thinking of something to say) in the moment when I don't like something? I feel like I have no control over a lot of stuff right now and I'm kind of freaking out and want to come up with a plan to deal with this stuff in advance. I'm actually thinking about scheduling a therapy session to deal with some of these anxieties.

[Deleted]

I find myself saying "a lot has changed in the 30 years since you had kids" if the advice gets to be too much or I'll just flat out tell my mom "thats your opinion and thats fine, but he's my kid so I'll make the final call."
My MIL is surprisingly great with holding her tongue if she does have an opinion-but she had 9 other grandchildren already so she either was told to MHOB or she understands that things are not the same anymore.
But if something was creepy or odd, I would have no problem saying "did you really just say that" or "do you know how weird that sounds?"

[havarti]

I was not physically capable of entertaining guests for more than an hour at a time the first couple of weeks. Once I took 15 minutes to wipe down the kitchen counters and put dishes in the dishwasher and I was completely exhausted afterwards! So we were completely up front with people and told them that visitors couldn't stay for more than an hour (and we only let a few people visit a day -- not a steady stream).

Also, if I was feeling overwhelmed I would excuse myself to nurse and blame it on the baby being distracted (which was technically true in my case, but I would still use it as an excuse if I wanted to get out of the room!)

None of this really addresses your long-term issues, but maybe it'll give you a couple of outs while you work through the new relationship.

[Deleted]

Sorry to be blunt here, but set some boundaries with your ILs/parents and stick to them. Just learn to say "no." I know this is hard for some people, but it sounds like you're going to have to learn to say "no" to stay sane. It's a powerful word, use it.

If your mom says something judgmental/controlling, reply with "thanks for the advice, but that's not how we've decided to do xyz." There's the "no." If she keeps going, rinse and repeat ad nauseum. "I already said no, let's talk about something else" then change the subject. If you refuse to engage her, she will eventually learn that YOU make the decisions for your family, not her.

With your creepy ILs (I remember your belly rub post, ick!), set some boundaries. If FIL goes in for rub, take two steps back, cross your arms over your belly, and say "please don't." There's the "no." If he keeps coming in for the rub, take two more steps back with a stronger "I said NO."  When they ask to come over, say "that's not a good time, let's do [xyz better time] instead." Don't phrase your responses as questions, such as "how about next week?" because a question implies your request is optional. Make YOUR decisions about YOUR family NOT OPTIONAL.

This will be hard and will take practice.  But you're about to be a parent, and will need to own the word "no." As in:

"no, you may not have cookies for dinner."
"no, you cannot hit mommy/daddy/the cat."
"no, scissors are not toys."
"no, you may not have a coed sleepover at 15."

Consider your families practice for being parents yourselves.  You don't have to be mean, there are plenty of ways to say "no" without being mean. But IMHO you should cultivate your delivery of the word "no" before you're that mom in the supermarket who's trying to reason with her tantrum-ing toddler who wants a Snickers bar for lunch.  Like, "sweetie, please stop yelling, okay?" There's no reasoning with people like your parents/ILs just like there's no reasoning with a tantrum-ing toddler.  Sometimes, the only thing that works is "no."

[Deleted]

I know this isn't really a good idea in the first few weeks, but later on, try to meet them out. When I'm planning to spend time with someone who is too much for me, I meet them at a restaurant or at a park. This way I can easily remove myself when I'm ready to go, it's not as easy to drag it out, and there are plenty of excuses to need to leave

[rex]

I had a reply and it disappeared.

I feel for you on this. My MIL does not know boundaries. My mother (who I am not remotely close to) is acting like she will even see this baby.

The key is to establish boundaries now before the baby comes. Have a discussion with your H so that you are on the same page, and then when one of you is uncomfortable the other can speak up.

My H and I have already had a discussion and he will be my advocate right after the baby comes. We agree on our boundaries and we know it could be hard at first.

[shadyblue42]

My mother-in-law used to come over unannounced all the time when I had my son, I just didn't answer the door.
With this baby, we moved 10 minutes away and there is a bridge that she doesn't like to cross so she tends to stay away.

I realize that this is in no way helpful to your situation at all.


Your husband should be the one dealing with his parents. More than likely all it will take is a heart to heart with them to let them know what the boundaries are.

[7costanza]

Thank you all! Just being reminded that I do have control and hearing how you dealt with this stuff is really helpful, and I am going to sit down with my H tonight and come up with a plan for setting boundaries now. Luckily his dad irritated him today by wanting to come over and check on some work we're having done on the house so I think he will be very open to talking to his parents.