Help me help my dad

[amberlyrose]

Sorry for the long post, I don't know where to start.

My family is coming up this weekend and we are all flying out to Scotland on Monday.

I need to have a heart to heart with my dad but I don't know how or when to bring it up.
He clearly has some form of depression and I'm worried about him. When he was moved from one job to another last August (pretty much a demotion based off his attitude), I really worried about him hurting himself or spiraling off the deep end but thankfully I had bought the tickets to Scotland that same week so he had something to plan and look forward to, which has kept his mind off how much he hates his job.

I can't afford to keep buying tickets to Scotland to keep him happy, though.
He has always been an Eeyore type the past 8-10 years, but this year it has gotten 10x worse to where my mom just avoids certain topics with him and my sister doesn't want to be home. Whenever I talk to him on the phone, he is usually complaining about something at work or talks about regrets and what ifs. He needs to go to a therapist but he is too proud to do so. I'm the closest to him (always have been), so my mom and I have discussed me bringing this up to him. I just don't know what to say that won't make him feel worse or like he's failed.
He doesn't see that he's actually done a pretty damn good job raising three kids or is a loyal and supportive husband. To him it is based on what he didn't accomplish or what he should've done differently. Now his regrets are coming out as to who held him back- my mom, his in-laws, his dad, us kids.. It sucks.

He was on wellbutrin when he was trying to quit smoking and was pretty happy and energetic, but he weaned off of them after he cut the smoking completely. I don't want to suggest any ADs but I think he needs them.

How do I even start this conversation? Do we talk before we leave and tell him to not worry about work or life but when he gets home he needs to talk to his doctor? Or do I wait until we're home so its not on his mind the whole trip?

Ugh. Being an adult kid is rough. I wish my dad could be the same guy I remember him as when I was 5.

[Deleted]

I have depression to and I know how hard it can be to approach someone who has it. My family pretty much thinks it's all in my head and my husband doesn't understand it either. My H thinks I should just be "happy".

I would start off by saying that you love him but you have noticed that he doesn't seem to be enjoying life or isn't happy anymore. Suggest maybe he take a depression quiz online so he can realize he does have a problem. That may be your biggest hurdle there. I would ask him if he's tired of feeling like crap all the time because he doesn't have to feel that way all the time. Then suggest either counseling or AD's. I think all he needs are AD's but if he's willing to go to counseling, then that's great.

I hope I helped a bit but I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. People with depression don't always know that how they are feeling isn't normal. I didn't for a long time then figured it out. I'd point out that he also seemed to be in much better spirits when he was on the Wellbutrin. That's couldn't hurt. Good luck!

[hopecounts]

I would discuss it after the trip.
If he seems more himself during the trip you can use that to bring it up in a non-threatening way (You seemed happier than you have in a long time when we were in Scotland and I'm worried about you.

[amberlyrose]

Thank you guys for the suggestions.

Ugh.. I don't wanna do this. He's supposed to be the grown up, not me

[glassofsyrah]

I totally agree that being a grown up sucks. Also, maybe you will have more one-on-one time with him during the trip so you can see first hand how he is behaving and what he's saying. Possibly the way to broach the subject is just that he seems different than usual...you don't seem yourself lately, etc. Maybe that will come off less accusatory. I haven't been in this situation exactly so I am not quite sure.  Good luck.