I get what Quesera is saying, completely. I think, lol. Your stepdaughter had a terribly dysfunctional family life and is suffering consequences from that. Everybody understands that. You seem really, really anxious about it, and about her reactions, thoughts, words, deeds etc. I THINK what Quesera was saying is that your (very understandable) anxiety and insecurity about all this may in fact be exacerbating some of it. The steadier you are in the face of adversity, the steadier this girl can be, because she sees how it can be. The more upset and frantic you are over her comments about you to her friends, for example, the less steady she can be, and the less secure she can feel. She felt she had to write you a three page letter proving she loves you.
There was a scene in the movie "Terms of Endearment" where the mother is dying, and she is talking to her sons, one of whom is a PITA obnoxious kid who will not show any affection to his mother and blames her for her divorce from his father. She tells him "I know you love me; remember that. I know you love me". What a gift. This kid loves you. It's clear she does. KNOW that, in your heart, and let her know you know it. You don't love her just when she's good; you love her. Even when she's a shit. Regardless. and the calmer, and more clear you are with her, the calmer and more clear she will be too. Anxiety and insecurity are infectious agents, if you are expressing those others will catch them.
I brought my anxiety to this message board not to her. people really should give me a little more credit than that. who else am I going to talk to? so that I don't burden her with it. quesera said my kid was fucked up, she said that I called her fucked up and that I think she is fucked up. I didn't appreciate that callous language nor did I say fucked up. I said she is messed up from a dysfunctional family. I said her idea of normal is messed up.
I have not once been upset or frantic in front of her. hell I am never frantic, that just isn't me. I came here to blow off steam and get ideas, not to be judged
I have been to the counselor with her, maybe I need to go again. I thought about writing a letter back, but the letter isn't about her relationship with me. it is about her relationship with her dad. I have already emailed him (he is out of town until tonight) and told him he needs to talk to her, even if she will sit and pout. not sure how he will go about explaining that husband sleeping on the couch is normal when it isn't. sadly he and his ex divorced about 10 years later then they should have and the children are paying the price, heck so am I
are you sure she thinks sleeping on the couch is normal? I am thinking she just liked the one on one time with dad, like she felt she was his main girl and she just wants some dad hugs and one on one time, even if its just watching tv together.
he tried to hug her the other, that didn't go well at all she pushed him away and hugged me instead.
Feel free to ignore this if you think it wouldn't work, but what about setting up a Dad/daughter movie night/sleepover? Where they take over the living room, watch movies, and fall asleep on the couch together. I know you don't want to reinforce that Dad sleeping on the couch is normal, but it feels "safe" to her and she might like knowing that Dad, in his new marriage, CAN sleep on the couch with her. Not because he HAS to, because he's married to a hose beast, but because he WANTS to, with his daughter.
I am going to push back on you a bit on this because your DH spending time with her one on one is key to this whole thing. Like I said in my post, it doesn't need to be anything big and fancy. It needs to be a couple of hours of SH's time. So one night every other week, after her homework is done, your DH takes her out for a shake or something for an hour. It doesn't have to happen on the weekend. The important thing is the time. Either this is a priority or it isn't. If it isn't, you and your DH can't complain. Your SD is telling you what she needs. Now it is up to you to figure out how to give it to her.
And if the counseling isn't working since she doesn't actually talk to the counselor, stop doing it weekly for a couple of months. Boom, there is one night every other week that your DH can spend one on one time with her.
(I think this is part of the sleeping on the couch thing, she got to spend one on one time with her dad. Not that she actually liked him sleeping on the couch.)
And, even thought my kids biomom may not parent the way you would and may not be the best parent in the world, she is their mom and I am sure she misses them when they are not with her. There are plenty of non-custodial parents that would love to have 3 weekends a month with their kids. So no, you didn't get dealt a bad hand, you got dealt a hand that gives tthe kids time with their mom. (sorry, that comment just rubbed me the wrong way.)
100% the bolded. Excuses are excuses. There is time somehow somewhere, even just a dessert out him and her alone. Everyone will make sacrifices for this to happen but if it is a priority you all will make it work. And if it has to cancel, then an alternative make up date must be set so she has something to look forward too. If she doesnt want to talk thats sine but if she just wants to sit happily in silence with her dad then let her!
I am sorry my comment about non custodial parent visitation rubbed you the wrong way, but I don't think abusive parents should be allowed as much visitation as this woman has. At least not this abusive parent. She is dangerous and has done things that could have killed them, when I say we were dealt a bad hand, we asked for supervised visitation and didn't get it.
Feel free to ignore this if you think it wouldn't work, but what about setting up a Dad/daughter movie night/sleepover? Where they take over the living room, watch movies, and fall asleep on the couch together. I know you don't want to reinforce that Dad sleeping on the couch is normal, but it feels "safe" to her and she might like knowing that Dad, in his new marriage, CAN sleep on the couch with her. Not because he HAS to, because he's married to a hose beast, but because he WANTS to, with his daughter.
how do we do that when we only have them on school nights? what do we tell the other 3 children?
Team, with all due respect, I think you're in a difficult situation that has you on the defensive, but you're being defensive with the wrong people (us). You were that way yesterday. We are not the enemy.
To answer your questions, you have the sh*t job of being the step-parent who has to deal with the fall-out emotionally from the divorce. You have this mess of a stepchild, obviously. All you can really do is love, try to understand her, and the fact that she wrote a letter, reaching out, is huge.
You cannot right the wrongs of her mom and dad, and you don't have to fix everything. What you can do is continue to be patient, nice, and cut this girl some reasonable slack. I just think that being a step-parent must suck sometimes and I do not envy you.
thank you for understanding,I really appreciate it.
he tried to hug her the other, that didn't go well at all she pushed him away and hugged me instead.
Do you feel like she is opening up to you? What if you asked her if she wants you to go to counseling with her? And her choice if dad comes too. What if dad tries daddy dates and you are no where around when he invites her and when it is time to go? Could it be the way he is asking? If he phrased it more as a favor, "i was thinking how much fun it would be if you and me went to dessert together tonight. A sundae with hot fudge sure would hit the spot!" OR does she want dates with YOU alone?
yes I do feel like she is opening up to me I have asked her if she wants me to go counseling she says no, same thing when dad asks if he can go. she still says she wont' speak, he has been with her and witnessed her sitting there not speaking for 50 minutes I wasn't around when he asked her to go get pedicures, so I don't know how he asked, but I do know he was very hurt by her reply. unfortunately dessert is out of the question, doctors orders. I have taken her out alone lots of times, we actually do quite a bit together when we can, remember there are 3 other children in the house, it makes it harder.
I have even talked to her about my experience as the oldest of 4 and how hard it was.
I get what Quesera is saying, completely. I think, lol. Your stepdaughter had a terribly dysfunctional family life and is suffering consequences from that. Everybody understands that. You seem really, really anxious about it, and about her reactions, thoughts, words, deeds etc. I THINK what Quesera was saying is that your (very understandable) anxiety and insecurity about all this may in fact be exacerbating some of it. The steadier you are in the face of adversity, the steadier this girl can be, because she sees how it can be. The more upset and frantic you are over her comments about you to her friends, for example, the less steady she can be, and the less secure she can feel. She felt she had to write you a three page letter proving she loves you.
There was a scene in the movie "Terms of Endearment" where the mother is dying, and she is talking to her sons, one of whom is a PITA obnoxious kid who will not show any affection to his mother and blames her for her divorce from his father. She tells him "I know you love me; remember that. I know you love me". What a gift. This kid loves you. It's clear she does. KNOW that, in your heart, and let her know you know it. You don't love her just when she's good; you love her. Even when she's a shit. Regardless. and the calmer, and more clear you are with her, the calmer and more clear she will be too. Anxiety and insecurity are infectious agents, if you are expressing those others will catch them.
Thank you for saying it without being a dick.
I'm sorry TW, for the language. That was unnecessary.
thanks for the apology your terminology put me on the defensive. it is a delicate situation with the history of abuse, I am very protective her her and her siblings
You are in a crappy situation in a blended family dealing with issues that you had no hand in creating, with children you didn't create. They are struggling. Not only are DH's kids dealing with the emotional fallout of the divorce, having a less than stellar biomom - who they still love because she is their mom even if she lets them down and puts them in danger - which adds to their confusion and hurt, spending time in 2 homes, having to live with a SM and step siblings, it is a mess. I get that. I do.
But, at some point, you will need to 1. breath 2. accept that some of this is just teenage girl stuff and 3. realize that the whole family will need to make sacrifices to make one on one time work. You have 4 kids at home? Wendesday (or whatever day) becomes kid night. Week 1 is kid 1. Week 2 is kid 2. Week 3 is kid 3, week 4 is kid 4. It is as simple or as hard as you make it. The weeks that it is your kid has "parent night" your DH holds down the fort, the weeks his kid has parent night, you hold down the fort. I think all kids benefit greatly from one on one time with their parents, even in a non-divorce situation.
I get that you are worried but take heart in the fact that she is reaching out to you. (and the pushing you DH away when he tried to hug her, kind of a teenage girl thing too. But all the more reason for him to try to spend one on one time to find out the best way to make teh connection with her even though it is harder and more time consuming than a hug. That may be a big part of it too, that she sees him making the effort in spite of all her barriers and walls.)
Poor thing. Numbers 1 & 2 sound like she's missing doing stuff with dad more than anything. Can your DH make a concerted effort to do more one on one things with her for a while?
the problem is that when he offers, she makes a face and turns him down. He is active in her girl scout troop,but that isn't one on one. he never misses a concert or awards assembly. she wants the old dad back and he is gone forever, for the best, but the dysfunctional family she started out in has really left an impact.
So he needs to keep asking her and set up situations where she has to hang with him (picking her up from school/activity/friends house and swinging by to get ice cream/hot chocolate/erc.) it's entirely possible she needs/wants him to prove that he wants to do stuff with her by not taking No for an answer.