SD left me a letter

[StormyDixon]

3 pages long telling me she doesnt hate me, she is just so messed up it breaks my heart.  My husband and his ex wife are mostly to blame.  I am glad she opened up, but here is what she is dealing with, I am not sure I can help.

1.  she misses the days when her parents were married and her father slept on the couch and he let them take turns sleeping on the couch with him.  how sad for her that she thinks dad sleeping on the couch is normal
2.  she misses the days when he had visitation and he was a disney dad.  Now that he has full custody of course he has rules and expectations
3.  she is jealous of her siblings and neice.  Jealousy of the neice really caught me off guard.  I think that is really just irrational hormonal/growing up stuff.  I remember my girls being jealous of their baby cousin when they were that age.

She sees a counselor once a week, but refuses to speak during the sessions.  At least she opened up to me, even if it was on paper.

I am so sad though, I wish there were more I could do for her.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Could you go to a counselor visit with her?
Or maybe you could write a letter back. I HATE talking to people face to face about my feelings (although I can just great with the therapist, which is weird). I often write Jason letters when we are fighting, because it's more comfortable for me. Maybe you guys could get a journal type of communication going.

[hopecounts]

Poor thing. :-(
Numbers 1 & 2 sound like she's missing doing stuff with dad more than anything.
Can your DH make a concerted effort to do more one on one things with her for a while?

[luckyval]

The fact that she was willing to turn to you speaks volumes.

It is sad that she sees the days of her dad sleeping on the couch as normal. But, in time, I hope she will appreciate the normalcy you and your H are trying to offer her now.

I don't have any advice except to keep yourself available to her, it sounds like trust in adults may be an issue and you can be one she can trust. Don't offer your opinions, just let her vent when she needs to

Good luck - it's sounds like you're doing everything you can as a step parent. I can't imagine that's an easy role

[sake]

Is family counseling an option? Maybe you could all talk together with a counselor and she would open up more.
Could your H try to schedule some time with her doing something that she really likes to do? My dad would always take the day off work on my last day of summer vacation, and we would do something special every year. I still meet up with him on the day before school starts, and we usually go out to lunch or something.

[revolution]

I think you should write a letter back. She has opened up to you so she loves you and trusts you. Ask her what you can do for her.

Her dad should have rules and expectations, but it sounds like she could use some of her fun dad back too. Maybe they can set up a date for the two of them and reconnect and have some fun together.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:43:38 GMT -5 Ohhmm(bligo) said:

Could you go to a counselor visit with her?
Or maybe you could write a letter back. I HATE talking to people face to face about my feelings (although I can just great with the therapist, which is weird). I often write Jason letters when we are fighting, because it's more comfortable for me. Maybe you guys could get a journal type of communication going.

I have been to the counselor with her, maybe I need to go again.  I thought about writing a letter back, but the letter isn't about her relationship with me.  it is about her relationship with her dad.  I have already emailed him (he is out of town until tonight) and told him he needs to talk to her, even if she will sit and pout.  not sure how he will go about explaining that husband sleeping on the couch is normal when it isn't.  sadly he and his ex divorced about 10 years later then they should have and the children are paying the price, heck so am I

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:44:24 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Poor thing.
Numbers 1 & 2 sound like she's missing doing stuff with dad more than anything.
Can your DH make a concerted effort to do more one on one things with her for a while?

the problem is that when he offers, she makes a face and turns him down.  I told him to take her for pedicures and she was appalled that he would consider sitting in the chair next to her.  He is active in her girl scout troop,but that isn't one on one.  he never misses a concert or awards assembly.

she wants the old dad back and he is gone forever, for the best, but the dysfunctional family she started out in has really left an impact.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

But it's YOU she reached out to. You should at least keep the line of communication open, even if it's to give suggestions for her relationship with him (and the other women have had great ideas).

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:45:43 GMT -5 luckyval said:

The fact that she was willing to turn to you speaks volumes.

It is sad that she sees the days of her dad sleeping on the couch as normal. But, in time, I hope she will appreciate the normalcy you and your H are trying to offer her now.

I don't have any advice except to keep yourself available to her, it sounds like trust in adults may be an issue and you can be one she can trust. Don't offer your opinions, just let her vent when she needs to

Good luck - it's sounds like you're doing everything you can as a step parent. I can't imagine that's an easy role

thank you and no it is tough.  the part about my husband sleeping on the couch for 10 years makes me sad for him, I had no idea it had such an impact on the children.  it just goes to show, the husband/wife relationship should be strong and primary, otherwise the kids get messed up.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:47:24 GMT -5 sake said:

Is family counseling an option? Maybe you could all talk together with a counselor and she would open up more.
Could your H try to schedule some time with her doing something that she really likes to do? My dad would always take the day off work on my last day of summer vacation, and we would do something special every year. I still meet up with him on the day before school starts, and we usually go out to lunch or something.

we have done family counseling for a year and the focus turned to the two with the biggest issues for more individual counseling.  it sucks there aren't enough days in the week for us all to go, but she needs the one on one, it was "prescribed" by her physician, she has serious weight issues. her younger brother is bipolar and he goes too. 

[Deleted]

I second the journal idea. Buy one and make it just yours and hers. And YOU put adult-type vents in there that she'll understand, like "oh today at work sucked, I'm so glad I can come home to my family" and stuff like that. It might help her realize it's okay to have days where everything sucks, lol, if an adult opens up about that. Plus it'll keep all the letters back and forth contained in case she's worried her dad will see it.

Good luck.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:50:07 GMT -5 mooselovah said:

It sounds like she needs a weekly dad date for a while. Dinner, coffee out, maybe they could take karate or cake decorating together. But something that I all there's and she doesn't have to tell her friends.

My dad used to show up to almost every sports game I had and pick me up after practices. He was gone a lot - so without saying anything it was our time and I knew he cared.

You must be a wonderful step mom - she is opening up to you. You deserve a hug for being there for her.

they already take karate together and as for decorating cakes, that is her thing, she won't even let us in the kitchen when she is creating one of her masterpieces.  her dad is at every single improtant event in her life.  the weekends are tough as they are with their biological mother all but 1 weekend out of the month, which leaves him scrambling to do things with all 4 of them on the one weekend we have them.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:52:28 GMT -5 Que? said:

I don't think she sounds that messed up. I think for a 13 year old girl, she's incredibly articulate and in touch with her emotions. She's so self aware, and obviously wants help. She obviously loves and trusts you, and this seems like a very repairable situation to me. She's still straddling both worlds and I think she's telling you she's ready to move forward. You have done something right with this kid, I think you should trust yourself with this.

the messed up part is that she thinks her dad sleeping on the couch was normal.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:53:44 GMT -5 Ohhmm(bligo) said:

But it's YOU she reached out to. You should at least keep the line of communication open, even if it's to give suggestions for her relationship with him (and the other women have had great ideas).

she did say in the letter that she appreciated me running "interference" between her and her dad, that one surprised me, I feel like I am meddling most of the time

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:57:10 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

I second the journal idea. Buy one and make it just yours and hers. And YOU put adult-type vents in there that she'll understand, like "oh today at work sucked, I'm so glad I can come home to my family" and stuff like that. It might help her realize it's okay to have days where everything sucks, lol, if an adult opens up about that. Plus it'll keep all the letters back and forth contained in case she's worried her dad will see it.

Good luck.

what a fantastic idea, I think i'll talk to her about it and see if she is willing.  perhaps for her though it needs to be something she can do from her phone

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 11:53:55 GMT -5 mekiakoo said:

I'm glad she is talking to you about this. That's very good.

I would write back. I think it's a good idea to be able to talk about things (between you two) and see how things go before deciding to do anything (like sending her to a counselor).

she already sees a counselor

[Deleted]

GOOGLE DOC!!

[Deleted]

Being someone she can talk to is being there for her.  Unfortunately you can't undo what going through a divorce has done to her.  SHe will have to take that long road alone.  Having people she knows love her even when she's acting out, even when she's a mess will mean that she has a shot at recovering eventually.  Have patience - it will pay off.

[kcr1972]

Sometimes it is easier to lash out at the one we want the most help from. It sounds to me between the letter and her being ugly to you that she really needs you, and wants you. I was the same way to my stepmom for a long time but today I respect her more than most anyone in this world.

[nomad100]

I'm glad to see that she is willing to let you know exactly what is going on with her. That is a HUGE step in a positive direction. I like a PPs idea of a shared journal/note space either online or in an actual notebook.

As for activities with her dad, while she says she missed Disney Dad, don't discount the one on one times he can spend with her. Like the two of them out for dinner every other week. Or doing the shopping together on Saturday morning. The most important thing is that it is just the two of them for an hour or two (or more). And during that time, your DH really needs to listen to what she has to say about whatever it is she wants to talk about (cake decorating, the color of the sky, what games she is playing on her phone, the fact that March Madness is just that madness, whatever) and to not try to direct the conversation, unless she isn't talking to him at all.

There is also nothing wrong with you doing the same. Why not start a tradition of going to the bookstore or whatever every couple of weeks, just the two of you?

Good luck and keep us posted.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 12:10:27 GMT -5 kcr1972 said:

Sometimes it is easier to lash out at the one we want the most help from. It sounds to me between the letter and her being ugly to you that she really needs you, and wants you. I was the same way to my stepmom for a long time but today I respect her more than most anyone in this world.

I pray someday this will be us
thanks for your kind words they moved me

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 12:11:58 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

I'm glad to see that she is willing to let you know exactly what is going on with her. That is a HUGE step in a positive direction. I like a PPs idea of a shared journal/note space either online or in an actual notebook.

As for activities with her dad, while she says she missed Disney Dad, don't discount the one on one times he can spend with her. Like the two of them out for dinner every other week. Or doing the shopping together on Saturday morning. The most important thing is that it is just the two of them for an hour or two (or more). And during that time, your DH really needs to listen to what she has to say about whatever it is she wants to talk about (cake decorating, the color of the sky, what games she is playing on her phone, the fact that March Madness is just that madness, whatever) and to not try to direct the conversation, unless she isn't talking to him at all.

There is also nothing wrong with you doing the same. Why not start a tradition of going to the bookstore or whatever every couple of weeks, just the two of you?

Good luck and keep us posted.

as easy as that seems to most people, we only ahve them one weeknd out of the month.  during the week, she has counseling on mondays, scouts on tuesdays, karate wed and thurs (all of this is her choice, except for counseling) then to her mothers on friday, returning late sunday.  she doesn't get home from school until 5pm and she has homework that she works on for about 2 hours each night.  Plus there are 3 other children at home.  when I say there isn't enough time in the day, I really mean it.  we have asked her if she wants to drop scouts or karate and she loves both and wouldn't give up either.  she even said she wishes she could do karate every night.  we do karate with her (well I did until I blew out my knee but hopefully will be back end of april)

fate and family court dealt us a bad deal when it comes to her mothers visitation

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 12:15:17 GMT -5 Que? said:

Mar 28, 2013 11:58:13 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

the messed up part is that she thinks her dad sleeping on the couch was normal.

Why are are you so fixated on this point? Of everything I said, your response is that? I'm really confused.

Yes, it's fucked up that your H slept on the couch for ten years, and no doubt it had an effect on his kids. I'm just kind of wondering why you're belabouring that point.

I'm not trying to be a dick, but maybe I am I don't know. I'm one step away from thinking you're creating unnecessary drama.

I am one step away from thinking your reply was unnecessary.  I said she was messed up, you said you didn't think so, I told you why I thought she was messed up.  do I need to make it any clearer?  perhaps I do.  she spent the first 8 years of her life in a terribly dysfunctional family that included not only her father being banished from the marriage bed, but verbal, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her mother and maternal grandmother.   if you think I am belaboring that point, fuck yes I am, it messed her up, which is why she has been in counseling for several years now and will be for several more.  which is why she has eating issues, which is why she has self esteem issues, which is why I worry about her as if she were my own.  her own mother is a piece of shit and she knows it, she is having trouble dealing with the many, m any times her own mother lets her down.  I could write a book, but I won't.  trust me honey, there is enough drama just having that woman involved than anyone person deserves to be subjected to.  your replies are not at all helpful, the other ladies offered real good advice, you offered judgment.  I hope you are never in my shoes

[janiejones]

StormyDixon Quesera wasn't belittling you when she said your SD isn't as fucked up as you think. That was a hopeful message.

[partiallysunny]

Mar 28, 2013 11:57:10 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

I second the journal idea. Buy one and make it just yours and hers. And YOU put adult-type vents in there that she'll understand, like "oh today at work sucked, I'm so glad I can come home to my family" and stuff like that. It might help her realize it's okay to have days where everything sucks, lol, if an adult opens up about that. Plus it'll keep all the letters back and forth contained in case she's worried her dad will see it.

Good luck.

I love this idea! Maybe not even ask her. I feel like she'd do a teenage brush off thing. Maybe just get a book, write a little something in it for her about the exchange/how it will work along with a bit about your day and leave it on her bed with some stickers and glitter (if she's into that sort of thing) for her to decorate. Tell her to leave it in a certain location (in you nightstand drawer or under your pillow) if she wants to write back. Then, of course, make sure you check that location every night.

[mrlittlejeans]

What does your DH say about this? Would he be willing to sit down and talk to her about it? Maybe set up a weekly daddy/daughter date?

[nomad100]

Mar 28, 2013 12:16:58 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

Mar 28, 2013 12:11:58 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

I'm glad to see that she is willing to let you know exactly what is going on with her. That is a HUGE step in a positive direction. I like a PPs idea of a shared journal/note space either online or in an actual notebook.

As for activities with her dad, while she says she missed Disney Dad, don't discount the one on one times he can spend with her. Like the two of them out for dinner every other week. Or doing the shopping together on Saturday morning. The most important thing is that it is just the two of them for an hour or two (or more). And during that time, your DH really needs to listen to what she has to say about whatever it is she wants to talk about (cake decorating, the color of the sky, what games she is playing on her phone, the fact that March Madness is just that madness, whatever) and to not try to direct the conversation, unless she isn't talking to him at all.

There is also nothing wrong with you doing the same. Why not start a tradition of going to the bookstore or whatever every couple of weeks, just the two of you?

Good luck and keep us posted.

as easy as that seems to most people, we only ahve them one weeknd out of the month.  during the week, she has counseling on mondays, scouts on tuesdays, karate wed and thurs (all of this is her choice, except for counseling) then to her mothers on friday, returning late sunday.  she doesn't get home from school until 5pm and she has homework that she works on for about 2 hours each night.  Plus there are 3 other children at home.  when I say there isn't enough time in the day, I really mean it.  we have asked her if she wants to drop scouts or karate and she loves both and wouldn't give up either.  she even said she wishes she could do karate every night.  we do karate with her (well I did until I blew out my knee but hopefully will be back end of april)

fate and family court dealt us a bad deal when it comes to her mothers visitation

I am going to push back on you a bit on this because your DH spending time with her one on one is key to this whole thing.  Like I said in my post, it doesn't need to be anything big and fancy.  It needs to be a couple of hours of SH's time.  So one night every other week, after her homework is done, your DH takes her out for a shake or something for an hour.  It doesn't have to happen on the weekend. The important thing is the time.

Either this is a priority or it isn't.  If it isn't, you and your DH can't complain.  Your SD is telling you what she needs. Now it is up to you to figure out how to give it to her.

And if the counseling isn't working since she doesn't actually talk to the counselor, stop doing it weekly for a couple of months. Boom, there is one night every other week that your DH can spend one on one time with her. 

(I think this is part of the sleeping on the couch thing, she got to spend one on one time with her dad.  Not that she actually liked him sleeping on the couch.) 

And, even thought my kids biomom may not parent the way you would and may not be the best parent in the world, she is their mom and I am sure she misses them when they are not with her. There are plenty of non-custodial parents that would love to have 3 weekends a month with their kids.  So no, you didn't get dealt a bad hand, you got dealt a hand that gives tthe kids time with their mom. (sorry, that comment just rubbed me the wrong way.) 

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 12:31:00 GMT -5 janiejones said:

StormyDixon Quesera wasn't belittling you when she said your SD isn't as fucked up as you think. That was a hopeful message.

I am sorry,but I see this as belittling and judging

Why are are you so fixated on this point? Of everything I said, your response is that?

I'm just kind of wondering why
you're belabouring that point.

I'm one step away from thinking you're creating unnecessary drama.

[StormyDixon]

Mar 28, 2013 12:44:21 GMT -5 luckydog said:

Mar 28, 2013 11:51:22 GMT -5 StormyDixon said:

I have been to the counselor with her, maybe I need to go again.  I thought about writing a letter back, but the letter isn't about her relationship with me.  it is about her relationship with her dad.  I have already emailed him (he is out of town until tonight) and told him he needs to talk to her, even if she will sit and pout.  not sure how he will go about explaining that husband sleeping on the couch is normal when it isn't.  sadly he and his ex divorced about 10 years later then they should have and the children are paying the price, heck so am I

are you sure she thinks sleeping on the couch is normal? I am thinking she just liked the one on one time with dad, like she felt she was his main girl and she just wants some dad hugs and one on one time, even if its just watching tv together.

yes sadly, they all think sleeping on the couch is normal.  even the boys mentioned it as being normal and doing it themselves when they are married.  sadly when their mother tells them things like "when your daddy is tired of being married to teamwilliams and comes back to me, he can sleep in the guest room and we will put in a pool"  that tends to mess up a kids idea of what marriage really is.  now that she is living with her mother she tells them the same, except "he will buy us a house with a guest room for him to sleep in"