"I'm not a babysitter..."

[Deleted]

leaving

[cilantro]

Lily, I'm really sorry. That's extremely unacceptable behavior on his part. I would have been lashing out with probably unhelpful lines like, "You're right, you're not a good enough father to be the equivalent of a babysitter" or something I'd be so enraged.

I am sure there are a thousand articles out there about dads who pull those lines I'd be printing and sending to him regularly. I also wouldn't let this drop and just go back to accepting things and being nice.

I am sure other have better advice than me. Good luck.

[mommylikestattoos]

Omg I'd kill my DH if he said that!! No shit, he's the DAD not a baby sitter! I have no real advice except to try push a schedule for your days off together. Like every other day one person is responsible for a.m. duties while the other person does p.m. stuff. I would be completely unsympathetic if he stayed up too late the night before from playing video games. Good luck!

[justjen]

You should not let this go.

I think you either need to divide up individual duties, or alternate days for who's "on." It's not fair for you to do the lion's share all the time, and you'll only grow more resentful.

Can you just talk to him and detail the stuff you're doing vs what he's doing, and how it's making you feel?

I would be super resentful in this situation.

[havarti]

I don't have any advice for you because you are not the one who needs to change. Your husband on the other hand...

Do you have male friends or relatives who could be role models for your husband? Maybe someone besides yourself to encourage and teach him what it means to be a good dad and how much more rewarding that is than playing a video game?

I know my dad regretted not being very involved with my older sister when she was young and was much more involved with my brother and I.

[ssmjlm]

Oh whoah, not ok.

Is his opinion really that he's not a father, but a babysitter? Does he not understand what the role of a father is in raising a child?

This is probably mean, but I would be tempted to hand V over, head out for a few hours, meaning more than 1, and let him figure it out. And don't answer your phone/texts, etc. Get a massage, enjoy some ME time.

[anna7602]

I don't see how you could "just let it go and accept" given how resentful you are now. Those feelings aren't going to go away.

It's BS that he sleeps in all the time. Can you divide up a schedule of who gets up first, like every Tuesday you get to sleep in and every Thursday he gets to sleep in and then maybe on Saturdays or Sundays you plan on both getting up early and doing something fun outside the house as a family- a hike or whatever? Or maybe you each get some scheduled "me" time on the afternoons of the days you get up early. So, for example, if you're up early on Thursday with your child, then that afternoon, you get to do your own thing- go to the gym, get your hair cut, get a pedicure, whatever- and he gets to do whatever he pleases for a solid 2-3 hour block on afternoons of days he gets up early. It seems like with 4 days off together, you have a lot of flexibility to try different arrangements and see what works best.

DH and I try to follow this kind of system on weekends, when he doesn't actually have to work, and I have even negotiated whole weekends "off" since he has been travelling so much for work. I'm flying off by myself this coming weekend and he's on full DD duty for 2.5 days. Knowing that is coming up has made me feel much less resentful of the fact that he was gone last week when DD came down with a stomach virus and then gone again this week when I came down with the same virus.

[Deleted]

Your DH is being a twatwaffle. If my DH did that I would be really really upset. I'm honestly a little ragey on your behalf right now. You need to just leave the house. Bring her to him in bed and say, " You are in charge, I will be back around supper" and go out. Seriously. At least once every 4 days off.

Do you guys ever do family activities like the zoo, children's museum or play ground together? I find my DH looks forward to these types of outings so much that if I plan one, he will BUST ASS to get us out the door, and will totally handle bath time, breakfast, clean up and diaper bag, if I get the outfit together, and get his coat on. DH can be much lazier if we are just hanging out.

[Deleted]

Keep talking. Involve a third party if he remains clueless.

That, or decide "You're not a hooker" and give up sex. I mean, that can be outsourced, too, and it's about as good of an idea as hiring a new dad.

[dottyblue]

Honestly, my DH and I had several come to Jesus talks about similar issues, though my DH never denied he was a dad and had responsibilities. I don't know how old your LO is, but my DH was overwhelmed by having a kid and didn't know what to do with a newborn at all. I spelled it out to him that he needed to work at a relationship with our DS and that it wasn't going to just happen. He needs to be actively parenting and meeting our DS's needs. I also told him the video games had to stop being a 4 hour+ per day thing or I was going to get rid of them. Thankfully he took me seriously and things are much better now.

I would definitely approach your DH from the perspective of this being what your DD needs, and he's failing at his job as a PARENT, not babysitter, by not spending time with her. I would also probably lay out a plan of your expectations for the next four days you are home. He should get up with your DD at least one morning. Video games should be limited to 1 hour (maybe 2) at night. Perhaps plan an outing for them (kick them out to go to the park, etc).

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I know it's frustrating.

[Deleted]

To those suggesting I just leave her with him and go out...I feel guilty doing that because he still just tries to surf the internet or take her out with him to smoke cigars or whatever and then he gets mad at her whining because she wants him to play with her. I know he wouldn't hurt her, but I just feel like since she doesn't see us at all for three days out of the week, one of us should be engaged with her when she wants us to be on our days off. I guess I just feel like it isn't fair to her to leave her with him if he isn't "into it."

[ryry]

Can you talk to him about it? I totally understand your frustration--in some ways, my husband is similar. He just doesn't think to get on the floor and play with DD unless she or I ask him to. He wouldn't think to make her dinner or brush her teeth if I was there...unless I ask him to. I spent the first few months of DD's life really taking sole responsibility, and I let him off very easy...and as a result, it took him a long time to feel comfortable in his ability to care for her on his own.

I think the "I'm not a babysitter" comment is not fair to anyone. He's right, he's not a babysitter. He's a dad. He doesn't get to clock out or leave the kid with mom because he's not a babysitter. He needs to be taking a more active role in your daughter's life because she will pick up on this. You have to discuss this with him, because your resentment (which is justified) is not going to just go away.

Can you just leave him with her for half a day every week or so? Or ask him specifically to get up with her one morning so you can sleep in? I can probably count on one hand the number of times DH has gotten up with my DD instead of me, but he knows that when I ask him to, it's because I need him to step up.

I've stopped expecting DH to read my mind, and I've stopped expecting him to do things like I would. That helps a lot, because it takes the pressure of him. I don't feel guilty if I go out for half a day and leave DD with DH. He's just as much a parent as I am, and I want her to be as attached to him as she is to me.

Are there things that your DH would really enjoy doing with her? My DD is a little older than yours, but blocks are dad's territory. I'll play blocks with her if she asks me too, but that's what dad does. We also bought this little nerf rocket launcher thing (sounds much more dangerous than it is) that is totally something DH would love, and they have so much fun playing with that together. A lot of my DH's problem is he just doesn't know what to do with her, because he's not a natural "kid person." It drives me crazy, but he's getting better about not leaving everything to me.

ETA: Saw your reply about why you don't want to leave her with him. Totally valid reasons--but he needs to get his act together. Your DD is starting to get to an age where she is aware of everything and will start to imitate things too. If he is ignoring her to play on the internet, she's going to see that. If he's smoking cigars (what??), she's going to want to imitate what he's doing. He doesn't have to be teaching her something every second they're together, and he doesn't need to be dad of the year, but he needs to pay attention to her. He would never hire a DCP or babysitter who would do that, he can't do it either.

[Deleted]

We had the same issues. Counseling helped. Another thing that helped was DD herself; as she got older, H enjoyed her more.

[justjen]

Apr 3, 2013 10:44:33 GMT -5 @246baje said:

The response to "I'm not the babysitter" is "you're right you are her Dad and that behooves you to get off your ass and help me raise her".

I approve the use of "behooves."

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 10:50:07 GMT -5 ryry said:

Can you talk to him about it? I totally understand your frustration--in some ways, my husband is similar. He just doesn't think to get on the floor and play with DD unless she or I ask him to. He wouldn't think to make her dinner or brush her teeth if I was there...unless I ask him to. I spent the first few months of DD's life really taking sole responsibility, and I let him off very easy...and as a result, it took him a long time to feel comfortable in his ability to care for her on his own.

I think the "I'm not a babysitter" comment is not fair to anyone. He's right, he's not a babysitter. He's a dad. He doesn't get to clock out or leave the kid with mom because he's not a babysitter. He needs to be taking a more active role in your daughter's life because she will pick up on this. You have to discuss this with him, because your resentment (which is justified) is not going to just go away.

Can you just leave him with her for half a day every week or so? Or ask him specifically to get up with her one morning so you can sleep in? I can probably count on one hand the number of times DH has gotten up with my DD instead of me, but he knows that when I ask him to, it's because I need him to step up.

I've stopped expecting DH to read my mind, and I've stopped expecting him to do things like I would. That helps a lot, because it takes the pressure of him. I don't feel guilty if I go out for half a day and leave DD with DH. He's just as much a parent as I am, and I want her to be as attached to him as she is to me.

Are there things that your DH would really enjoy doing with her? My DD is a little older than yours, but blocks are dad's territory. I'll play blocks with her if she asks me too, but that's what dad does. We also bought this little nerf rocket launcher thing (sounds much more dangerous than it is) that is totally something DH would love, and they have so much fun playing with that together. A lot of my DH's problem is he just doesn't know what to do with her, because he's not a natural "kid person." It drives me crazy, but he's getting better about not leaving everything to me.

I have talked to him, many times, and he always says he is going to do better and he never does. He was an only child and I think he is just used to doing his own thing. He also was never around kids, so it could be that he feels that he doesn't know what to do with her...but it just seems to me that it should be that hard to pick up some books or toys and just start reading and playing. I don't get it. 

[dcn]

Wow. No I would not let that go. That would not fly in our house at all. Agree with the others who suggested taking turns sleeping in.

If he can't figure out what to do with her at home, could he take her to the zoo or park or something?

[savan]

Apr 3, 2013 10:51:28 GMT -5 swizz said:

I'm sorry, you lost me at "stays up until 2am playing video games."

Yeah no.

Any chance you can prearrange who will get up and take turns? DH and I do that with the dog and seems to help. I don't have to wait for him to figure out the dog needs to go out, he knows that his day is X and my day is Y and we just split the responsibility.

DH has a hard time realizing things need to get done, so it helps to have prearranged expectations.

If he's still being a twatwaffle, y'all need to involve a neutral third party, 'cause it ain't cool.

I agree with this.  There is no way I'd be acceptable with that arrangement.  I'm also mean so I'd be depositing the baby on DH's chest while he's still in bed and walking out the door.  It sounds like you guys are long over due for a talk about responsibilities and expectations.

[spankswife]

Can you tell him since you do all of the child rearing, he should do all of the working? Not to really follow through on, but just to put in perspective to him that your family balance is off. Or make plans for a full day on a tues or thurs so he can see how much work you really do?

As far as not being angry - can you go down to 2 shifts a week, to help redistribute your balance? Have you guys had a serious talk about it when you are not already angry?

[londoncalling]

You are going to need to address this or else you are just going to keep adding fuel to the fire of your resentment.

We alternate weekend mornings, and if someone misses their morning due to circumstance, they are offered the ability to nap during the kids' naptime. It's not your fault that he chooses to stay up late playing video games. Maybe if he knows that he has kid duty in the morning he will plan appropriately the night before.

And he's right. He's not a babysitter. He is her father and has 50% of the responsibility of caring for her and the home. You work the same hours and the same job, so it's not like you are home eating bonbons all day while he has a long, stressful job that he needs time to recoup from.

We discuss the chores, errands and activities for the coming weekend on Friday night and divvy them up ahead of time: including who has the kids for what (grocery shopping the kids can tag along, but cutting the grass he needs to be kid free for).

[littlemermaid]

If he expects you to do everything with the child then you should become a stay at home mom and he can go get a second job to cover the loss of your income. If he wants to play old school where the man brought home the bacon and the wife took care of house and kids by herself then he should man up and get another job and you stay home and raise your daughter and take care of the home.  See how he likes that idea.

Otherwise I really think you need counseling, if he won't go then go yourself.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 10:59:43 GMT -5 littlemermaid said:

If he expects you to do everything with the child then you should become a stay at home mom and he can go get a second job to cover the loss of your income. He wants to play old school where the man brought home the bacon and the wife took care of house and kids by herself then he should man up and get another job and you stay home and raise your daughter and take care of the home.

I told him he should start working an extra day a week so I can cut back and he adamantly refused. 

[littlemermaid]

Apr 3, 2013 11:01:26 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 10:59:43 GMT -5 littlemermaid said:

If he expects you to do everything with the child then you should become a stay at home mom and he can go get a second job to cover the loss of your income. He wants to play old school where the man brought home the bacon and the wife took care of house and kids by herself then he should man up and get another job and you stay home and raise your daughter and take care of the home.

I told him he should start working an extra day a week so I can cut back and he adamantly refused. 

 What would he do if you just cut back on your hours?  Maybe if you just did it without him giving you permission then he'd have to step up to the plate and work an extra day.

[havarti]

What would happen if you cut internet at your house?

Also, taking the baby out for a cigar smoking date? What the what? My jaw dropped through the floor to the basement. I would be hulk smashing shit if my husband did that.

[anna7602]

Apr 3, 2013 10:54:01 GMT -5 @lilly said:

Apr 3, 2013 10:50:07 GMT -5 ryry said:

I have talked to him, many times, and he always says he is going to do better and he never does. He was an only child and I think he is just used to doing his own thing. He also was never around kids, so it could be that he feels that he doesn't know what to do with her...but it just seems to me that it should be that hard to pick up some books or toys and just start reading and playing. I don't get it. 

Can you start with scheduled activities? Start by sending him off to the zoo, kids' music class, library story hour, baby swim class, whatever activities are appropriate for your LO's age? Then he is away from home and other distractions and can really focus on the activity at hand and on your child. I think that might be easier than getting him excited about the idea of playing at home when he doesn't even know where to begin.

I also think that as hesitant as you are to leave them together, maybe the more you do so, the more he will feel confident/interested/engaged in the time he spends with your daughter.  He's not going to turn into awesome engaged dad overnight.

[Deleted]

Apr 3, 2013 10:47:18 GMT -5 @lilly said:

To those suggesting I just leave her with him and go out...I feel guilty doing that because he still just tries to surf the internet or take her out with him to smoke cigars or whatever and then he gets mad at her whining because she wants him to play with her. I know he wouldn't hurt her, but I just feel like since she doesn't see us at all for three days out of the week, one of us should be engaged with her when she wants us to be on our days off. I guess I just feel like it isn't fair to her to leave her with him if he isn't "into it."

Have you told him that this level of interaction is simply not acceptable to you? What did he say to that?
Or was that when the babysitter comment came up?

I think what I might do in this situation is start small. Tell him how much it bothers you and then ask him to spend at least one good solid hour of quality time with her, during which he should play with her, read to her, take her out somewhere, etc. No tv, no cell phones. Hopefully, as he gets used to it and she gets older/more interactive, he will start to enjoy spending time with her and will increase the time he does spend with her on his own.

[havarti]

Is this a late April Fool's joke? You're too smart a woman to let a man treat you and your child like this.

[anna7602]

Also, not trying to be provocative here, but the "threaten to be a SAHM" thing is not so cool. Even SAHMs deserve an engaged co-parent.

[h]

So he is working three days a week and then getting four days a week to essentially sleep in, goof off, and stay up late playing video games? That would so not be okay with me. I would tell him he can either share childcare and household responsibilities with you 50/50 when you are both off, or he can work 5 days a week and you can use the extra money to hire help so that you get a break on your days off without having to put up with his crappy attitude in return.

[barefootcontessa]

I am so sorry Lilly. I agree with littlemermaid: if he is going to expect you to do everything related to childrearing then you are going to quit working or at least cut back dramatically. I would give him a time frame and then follow through. I do not see how you are going to avoid feeling resentful otherwise. Do you have any idea of why he is so uninterested in his daughter? Does he tend to avoid adult responsibilities in other areas?

[Mrs.Syntax]

Apr 3, 2013 11:09:01 GMT -5 anna7602 said:

Also, not trying to be provocative here, but the "threaten to be a SAHM" thing is not so cool. Even SAHMs deserve an engaged co-parent.

You're right, and to me, SAHM'ing would be totally hellacious without any kind of break from responsibility. I have a great H who shares duties really well when he's not at work, and even still, I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out sometimes.