MIL/shower vent & WWYD?

[ladygrey]

My best friend and my mom are co-hosting my baby shower next month. I told them that I would prefer not to have two separate showers for each of our families, and made sure that the key females from DH's family were included in the guest list, which also includes my family and girlfriends. 

At Easter dinner, MIL offered to throw a shower for their side of the family. I said "Thanks, that's so gracious of you, but there is already a shower planned and you all are invited. I really don't think a second shower is necessary."

My mom called MIL last night to confirm some addresses for the invitations and found out that MIL is going ahead with plans for a second shower anyways, despite my wishes. WTF?!? 

I really want to tell her AGAIN that I would prefer not to have a second shower, but don't want to seem ungrateful. I don't like baby showers in the first place (I was hesitant to even accept the offer for the first shower) and I would probably have to start adding items to my already-small registry if there is to be a second shower. This just makes me uncomfortable and I feel like it looks gift-grabby.  

WWYD? Try to decline graciously (if there is such a way) or suck it up and go along with the second shower?

[whitterbugk]

How big is their side of the family?

I didn't really want a second shower either, but since they have a large-ish family and wanted to invite some women from church, it made more sense to just give in. It made them happy and kept the costs down on my first shower, which my college-student sister was throwing for me.

[ilikedonuts]

I would have my husband call her and ask her why she basically ignored what you said. Then he would be telling her that a second shower is not happening.

I'm not the nicest person though, but I will not be bullied or steamrolled into something I don't want if I feel really uncomfortable and awkward. Its not like you are telling your MIL she can't go to your shower or invite her family. You were already planning on inviting them to the main shower.

[nonsenseabound]

If I felt strongly about not having two showers, I would have DH call up his mom and deal with it. I had two showers just to keep one as MIL free. It was nice.

However, I would be concerned with my MIL trying to steamroll me. Especially if she think she can steamroll me in future decisions about my kid as well. I wouldn't want to set a bad precedent.

[cricketwife]

Part of me understands you (bc your MIL is kind of ignoring your wishes), part of me thinks you're being unreasonable. Showers are part of our culture. They're also a gift, in essence. When someone gives you a gift, it's rude to refuse it. Even if it goes straight to the donation pile, I think it's rude to refuse a gift. I get that this has another layer, in that the receiving of this "gift" requires a bit of your time, but unless you have to travel a long distance, I'd just let them give you the second shower.

[vanillacourage]

Any chance she feels responsible for the tab for her side of the family, versus sticking your mom and best friends with the costs to invite DH's side?

I understand your feelings but soon to be grandmas get excited. Is this her first grandchild?

[mie]

If you feel strongly about it, Iʻd have your DH step in and talk to his mom about it.

[ECB]

This isn't a hill I'd die on. 

[ladygrey]

DH's family isn't huge, but I think MIL would invite some of her friends (who I met one time - at our wedding) as well.

This is the 4th grandchild for his parents (1st for mine) so it's not their first rodeo.

Thanks for all the honest opinions. DH and I are going to discuss tonight and hopefully come to a resolution.

[mrssandro]

Apr 8, 2013 17:02:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

This isn't a hill I'd die on. 

I am here as well.

[6fsn]

She wants to celebrate THIS grandchild. Roll with it.

[Deleted]

Roll with it is the easy answer except for the fact that it sets the precedent that your MIL can completely ignore your wishes with no consequences. Not something I'd want to do with my first child on the way.

[dancingirl21]

I wouldn't worry about people thinking you are gift-grabby. That's the point of a registry, after all. On the bright side, 2 showers means more things you won't need to buy, right? Think about the MM side of things!

[lolo]

I decided not to have a baby shower. My mom and sister offered to throw me one (which is normal in the Midwest, where my family is based) but I told them it just wasn't my thing. I definitely don't regret it (and I don't think they were hugely surprised).

As others have said, you need to decide how important this is to you and act accordingly.

[ssmjlm]

I would just let it happen. It could be like my MIL who didn't want anything to do with planning a shower, but was then calling my shower hostess to request additional invitations for people we don't know even AFTER we asked her if there was anyone outside of family she insisted on inviting.

[chia]

Suck it up, and accept the second shower graciously.

[catbus]

I am with others who say to roll with it, and I disagree this sets a precedent for her to ignore your wishes. I would guess that when you declined her offer of a shower, she took it as an obligatory polite decline, i.e., "Oh, you don't have to do that..." I doubt she's trying to ignore your wishes.

[ECB]

Apr 9, 2013 11:43:04 GMT -5 catbus said:

I am with others who say to roll with it, and I disagree this sets a precedent for her to ignore your wishes. I would guess that when you declined her offer of a shower, she took it as an obligatory polite decline, i.e., "Oh, you don't have to do that..." I doubt she's trying to ignore your wishes.

I agree.  And even if she is one to disregard your wishes - I'd rather save my "stand" for a truly important issue.  Like "NO- you will NOT be in the delivery room!", "No, you can't move in w/ us for the first 3 months", or "Do NOT take my baby from my arms w/o asking.", or.... a million other issues.  I'd make my stand over the actual baby - not a shower.

[Deleted]

Different people will be invited to the second shower, right? Just go with it. You can add things to your registry and return them for diapers and other necessities if push really comes to shove. Nobody will think you are being gift grabby; a lot of people have more than one shower. I had three (my friends, my mom's friends, and some neighbors insisted on throwing me a neighborhood shower). Most people had no idea how many showers I was having or how many people were invited to each one anyway. Someone would have to be a super nosy busybody to find out or to judge your level of gift grabbiness based on the size of your registry. Plenty of people have big registries just for the completion discount.